Last year at this time I was training for the Berlin Marathon. I felt like I was managing my chronic pain issue (piriformis syndrome) & on target to run my first “world major.” I finished….but was in excruciating pain, and exceedingly slow.
Shortly after, I vowed I would never run another marathon. I liked the ring of “5” done. I dropped down to running half marathons, after all, that seemed much more manageable.
Last week I was told I cannot run at all. Nothing. Not even a 5k. Gasp. At least for now….. The conversation at my new Chiropractors’s office (where I’m receiving Active Release, Dry Needling and some sort of ultrasound wave therapy treatment thing) went like this….
“So…..I have this half marathon next month….” to which she responded “Um, no you don’t.” And I said “Um, yes I do….” and she said “Um, no you don’t.”
She proceeded to talk rationally (can you imagine?) about the repeated damage I’m doing by running through my injury, and for the first time in nearly 7 years….
Wait….let that sink in….7 years I’ve run through 4 full marathons and probably 10-12 half marathons and various other distance races…..in pain! And not the kind of pain you get at like mile 23 (EVERYONE gets something there)…NO! the kind of pain that, for instance, in Berlin started within the first mile……THE. FIRST. MILE. I’m stubborn. And I know, like so many humans, we are capable of enduring great pains, struggles, and heartache.
It never occurred to me that in asking my body to endure the pain, I was in essence creating more pain which has now left me with not only piriformis syndrome, but basically messed up my right knee, hip flexor, and hamstring. What? It never occurred to me that my adopting this “I need to suck it up and endure the pain”, I was actually creating more pain and weakness within my body.
So how do we sift through our experiences in life and the emotions that surface to best determine when we “shouldn’t” do something, even if we “can?”
I can run another marathon, I have proven repeatedly (unfortunately) I can run through pain. But should I? Would it be better for me/my body to consider a half marathon? A 10K? Or running just for fun? Is it all or nothing? I do not know…..As the doctor told me, I am following her therapy plan and taking time off from running in “hopes” that I’ll be running again. Right now, I am trying to be at peace with the today….and this part of the journey.
In clinical practice, this translates to the following examples.
- “Sarah” could continue to drink….but at the expense of her health, her job, her relationships, her overall wellbeing. So “should” she?
- “Hope” could stay in her marriage, but at the risk of continuing to endure abuse (or worse) and continuing to provide the example of a very dysfunctional/abusive coupled relationship for her child. So “should” she?
At some point, we need to listen to our bodies, or instincts, or our inner guide and decide if what we are doing is guiding us to something better, or if continuing to stay with something just because we “can” is leading us towards further harm and injury. While the above are extreme examples, sometimes the most difficult decisions are the ones we desperately don’t want to make. The all or nothing.
Human beings are capable of enduring amazingly difficult experiences in life: childbirth, grief, medically necessary treatment….. but the stark difference surfaces when we are enduring because we don’t know another way vs. there isn’t another way.
Now….. the “way” that has presented to me currently is doing anything I want, except running. For now. My challenge is to decide if I want to continue to just endure and gut it out and suffer through the pain, or find peace in believing there is perhaps a better way?
“Sarah”….. the “way” that has been presented to her is to attend AA regularly, and abstain from drinking. Her challenge is to decide if she would want to continue to put her life at risk for the momentary escape that alcohol offers, or to find peace in believing therapy, and AA and sobriety offer a better way?
“Hope”….the way that has been presented to her is to make the very difficult decision to leave an abusive relationship. Her challenge is to decide if she wants to stay married in hopes her husband who has shown no signs of changing and risk further abuse or possible death, or find peace in knowing choosing to leave quite often is a better way. No question.
Today….I walk with frustration. I do prescribed exercises with incredible discomfort. I bike with ambivalence. And I practice yoga with patience and gratitude. They are not my end point. Nor is running, surprisingly. Peace…..peace is my end point in my journey…..and in finding peace, and being ok with the sweet ambivalence of life, there I will find healing and grace…….(and oh how I hope that space includes running…..)
Being BRAVE means deciding when you shouldn’t, and when you should. And never ever confusing the two.
Peace…..
peaceinthejourney 