I love this image! The more I delve deep into the world of introversion vs extroversion, the more sense this makes to me. I have been taught to believe through messages in school, in media, and professional conferences (I will explain later) and seemingly everywhere I turn this: extroversion is the standard to which we all should aspire.
Often confused with being shy or socially awkward, which indeed I may be at times, introversion is much more about the process to which one processes thoughts and ideas and the world around us. While there have been times in history when we revered the great “thinkers” of the world, a shift has certainly occurred where we defer to the one in the room or group who responds first, loudest, and with the greatest sense of enthusiasm, none of which have been proven to be effective selective criteria to determine outcomes or results. Yet, this process continues in our education system, organizations, businesses, government, and even in families.
Two interesting definitions I found in preparation for this topic: “the quality of being shy or reticent” and “the tendency to be concerned more with one’s own thoughts and feelings than with the external things.”
Yes!
This is absolutely the reality in which I live, having significantly more thoughts swooning around my mind than I readily share with the world around me. Until recently, even though my education tells me there is no more of a way for an introvert to change to be an extrovert than the other way around (though I believe you’d be hard pressed to find any extroverts who have been told they should be more introverted, a reality introverts are faced with on a regular basis) ….part of me still wished I was born an extrovert. I wanted to be the gregarious kid in school who freely shared ideas, I wanted to be the outgoing and bubbly cheerleader who didn’t stop because others were looking at her, I wanted to be in theater or…. but as much as I desired to be any/all of these things….putting myself out there in these formats felt as foreign to me as it may be for others to sit in meditation, or spend the day just writing without outside stimuli, or walking in the park with no one else around me but the birds & squirrels and my dog. That is bliss for me, that is how I am wired, and to aspire to be anything different than who I am is an insult to how and why I was created. In my humble opinion.
I mentioned a Professional conference earlier. It is worth noting to show the great leaning towards extroversion as the ideal standard we shall all aspire to attain. The message continues today, even when we know introversion and extraversion are innate character traits and thus not possible, nor should we aspire, to change. A year ago, I attended a conference where Tony Robbins was presenting/speaking/doing his schtick. If you aren’t familiar with his work, I encourage you to look it up! The room was FREEZING, by his design. The music leading up to the event was LOUD, by his design. The energy was overwhelming, again, by his design. As he went through his standard schtick, engaging the audience, many of whom were into the jumping/singing/dancing/yelling thing….I was struck by not only my reaction but many others in the room. I wasn’t moved to dance, I wasn’t moved to sing, I wasn’t moved to shout out responses or jump up and down, and left thinking certainly there was something wrong with me because I didn’t. The larger than life personality, who has a cult-like following clearly was giving the message that this IS the standard to which we all should aspire. To be successful, I caught myself thinking, I need to figure out how to be like him. Every fiber in my body was saying, this is not me, so may be there is something wrong with me.
I went for a walk after the session ended. Feeling crappy…was this his intention, I wondered. I listened to music, lost in my own thoughts…and suddenly thought….Wait! While this may work for some, I know in my heart I could take every advanced class he offers and spend thousands of dollars to try to “improve” myself, but I will not change the reality that I am wired for introversion. This is who I am. And the bigger “a-ha moment” is this: I don’t want to be like him, or anyone else. Here’s why….
I am a good listener. I have great empathy and a calm with my clients, my family and my friends. I enjoy writing and reading and contemplating the great mysteries of life: like what happens after we die or why doesn’t broccoli takes like chocolate? I am imaginative and creative and introspective. I like quiet, and comfortable reading or listening to music or baking or walking my dog ….all of which I am totally content doing alone. I have known heart ache and the feeling of wishing I was something more than I am, allowing me to really truly empathize with clients in a way that I may not if I was something other than who I am. I am slow to respond at times, but rest assured when I do , it is with great intention and thought and not just the first thing that comes to mind. Being introverted is a gift for me, professionally and personally and I am grateful for this new perspective that has allowed me to see it this way.
I am grateful to the people in my life who encouraged me to start writing in a public format, nearly 6 1/2 years ago. At the time, blogging was relatively new and it was more of an experiment in vulnerability than a great literary achievement, for me. When I look back to 179 PUBLIC blog posts I have published (many more have remain in draft form) I am even amazed at the vulnerability (Brene Brown would be so proud) I have shown in this format. Body image issues, depression, anxiety, grief, thoughts on suicide, most of which I haven’t felt open enough to talk with friends and family about, I have been able to do in my writing. It isn’t so much of “fear” of sharing, or feeling awkward or shy…more so of needing a way to express myself on my terms, and in my time. That is the key: allowing space for everyone to participate in the conversation. While I am not suggesting every person needs to blog or write or create in a quiet intentional way, (ok, I think that’d be amazing if we all did!) I am suggesting that we as a people work more effectively when we celebrate each other’s differences and strengths & aspire to find effective ways for ideas to surface for all members at the table, vs deferring readily to the loudest, most animated or first to respond.
While I’ve been told in my life, often, that I am guarded, I never really understood why. The thought process that used to leave me feeling “less than” changed when I started reading the work of Susan Cain. To be able to think about and process thoughts, vs having to react or comment or have an opinion on something on the spot isn’t something that works for me, or other introverts.
The “I’m not enough” mentality in me that can quite easily get triggered has long been intermingled with this observation and understanding that society greatly values and relegates those who are born extroverted as having accomplished some form of greatness when in fact they are just doing what comes naturally to them. And that is awesome! We all love a lively extrovert. However, as introverts, we are often told to try harder to be more “outgoing” when every fiber in our bodies is telling us otherwise. I still vividly remember attending school conferences for my sons when they were younger, and being told there was a desire by the teachers for them to participate more in classes by raising their hands or being more animated in class discussions. As recent as last year, in the 10th grade, my younger son had a teacher who would not only give points to students who participated with “enthusiasm in class” but would take them away if a student didn’t participate DAILY in class. I want to say now, are you freaking kidding me? What does that have to do with his getting an education? They’re both smart, creative, compassionate, charming, funny young men…who are both introverted. One should NEVER be punished for being who you were created to be.
I wonder….. have any teachers ever thought to take points away if a student didn’t spend time each day in quiet contemplation, or thinking about the meaning of life, or writing the next great novel or ……
I wonder….have any teachers ever thought to reward students who are creative, and quiet and doing their work alone, but with purpose and meaning?
We have such a long way to go……
peaceinthejourney 