Advice on my son’s 18th.

My oldest turns 18 today.  How can that be, right?  Thoughts of EVERY parent I am certain.  I will try to not linger for too long in that trite trap of nostalgia, rather offer some words of advice for all those launching the nest soon…..

I remember holding my sweet child, who arrived into my world 3 days but what seemed like 3 years late.  He was perfect.  In that first moment he was laid on my chest and I looked into his beautiful eyes, I was in love.  Pure love.  I hoped he felt my love, I hoped he felt the love of God, I hoped he would have friends, and I hoped he knew how special he already was.  Simple.

18 years passes in such an instant, and in the stillness of the night, I worry sometimes that no matter how hard I tried to protect him from harm and hurt that i felt as I child, it still happened.  This by far has been the most difficult reality for me to come to peace with in my life.  As a parent, we would gladly take it all to spare our kids, but cannot.   Sometimes…..when I go in to tuck him into bed late at night….I can still see glimpses of that beautiful angelic baby face I fell in love with nearly 18 years ago.

I am not sure if he, or anyone reading this blog, will take any of my “advice” to heart, but in some small way I continue to hope my candor in my writing will bring peace in someone’s life who needs it.  When I say “I’ve been there”….I truly mean it.  As a teenager I made many decisions I regret, I struggled with depression and anxiety, and there were times I was not sure my being alive really mattered at all.

So when I say…I’ve been there, I truly mean it.  Thankfully I am here to write about it.

So in no apparent order, here is what I wish my 18 year old self knew…..

• Life is amazing.  Choose wisely what you do, where you go, and with whom you surround yourself.  And yes, college & beyond is so much better.
• If you want to backpack around Europe for awhile, do it!  I regret I never did, and once a mortgage and grad school and a child and ….. just do it!
• Take care of your body.  Only you have the ability to change what you don’t like, and learn to love what you cannot change.  I will never be taller than 5’3″.  And I learned to embrace it.
• Don’t overvalue people who undervalue you.  I spent years learning this.  300,000,000 some people in this country alone, if “friends” around you don’t treat you well….move on!  Don’t settle with people who don’t appreciate what you have to offer in their life.
• Don’t change to please others.  I admire my son for learning this early on….I wish I had his wisdom and sense of courage at the age he does…..and hope he never loses sight of his individuality, even if it means he has to lose some people in the process.  “Be who you are and say how you feel, those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.”  Dr. Seuss.  Brilliant!
• Dream Big.
• Work hard.
• Make decisions as if it all matters.
• Find peace.  pray. meditate. find peace.  be still with your thoughts.
• Don’t burn bridges.
• Exercise.  Work through your problems or worries rather than burying them.
• Find people in life who like you for you, rather than convincing them to do so.
• Laugh.  Often and much.
• Cry…it’s why God created tear ducts for us.
• Don’t waste time eating bad food, drinking cheap drinks, or hanging out with toxic people.
• Today is called the present for a reason, it’s a gift….don’t waste a moment for tomorrow is never guaranteed for anyone.  Cherish every moment.
• Never, ever forget, most of all….you are loved.

My peace comes in knowing our human experience is something that is more universal rather than unique,  and while struggles are something we all wish we didn’t have to experience, they are what makes us who we are and perhaps allows us to show compassion for others on their journey.

So….happy birthday to my beautiful baby boy blue- and to all those who are out there in the world trying to find themselves….know that is part of the fun in the journey!

Peace……

 

“Mom is college better than High School?”

I have a son who’s a college senior.  How~Did~This~ Happen?

It seems like just yesterday we walked him into his kindergarten class, prodding him to take the obligatory photos with parents and grandparents all holding back tears as he started his academic journey.

In a blink of an eye……those years are gone….and we’re now helping the same son decide between colleges, a seemingly daunting and elusive decision.

In his restless desire to exit high school and more importantly start “real life”…..

Wait……. wasn’t this just me?  My parents dropping me off at the University of Dayton, driving off as I stood outside of Marywood Hall……filled with emotions, both a sense of excitement and a sense of FEAR!  I remember that moment….captured in time.  It was the start of 4 of the best years of my life.

And yes, son, COLLEGE WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN HIGH SCHOOL . I should state, however, I went to 3 High Schools.  3.  So, my opinion might be slightly biased.

Looking back, the days and months and years I spent in college were absolutely fantastic!   Not because the act of going to college in and of itself, rather because of what the experience allowed and encouraged me to do.  I took classes on philosophy and religion and literature and art and astronomy….none of which were in my major, but in a profound way shaped the person I am today.  I volunteered on campus, I worked at a day care center with kids, I volunteered at Dayton Hospice facilitating support groups, I rushed a sorority, I went to social with fraternities, and went to parties in the “ghetto”……I soaked up as much of the experience as I could, and looking back, I wish I would’ve done even more!

Both the author of the above article and I agree, it isn’t so much where you to to college that matters, but what you do with that time that makes the difference.  How committed to the process of learning, exploring, living life are you?  What causes or organizations or events are you willing/wanting/committed to being a part of in college?  How much do you want to realize the person you are really meant to be? 

Because is isn’t so much what happens in our life that matters…but what we choose to do with it that makes all the difference! 

My wishes for my son, and for all the HS seniors contemplating their college choice is as follows….in no certain order….

• Explore the area you will be living in for the next 4 (or so) years.  Go to the local diners, find the hidden gems only the locals know.  Really immerse yourself in the city or town where you are living.
• Take that random class that is out of your comfort zone!  Study Shakespeare or World Religions or ………. Now is the time to expand your horizons.
• Go out of your way to make “new” friends.  Even if you are going to school close to home, we continue to benefit from meeting new people.
• Get involved!  Join a club, play an intramural sport, rush a fraternity or sorority, volunteer!  College is more than just what is learned in the classroom.
• Choose your major, carefully!  Choose something that you LOVE so as the saying goes “Love what you do, and you’ll never work a day in your life!”
• Stay up late!
• Sleep in!
• Ask the “stupid” question in class.  Others, I GUARANTEE, have the same question.
• Exercise.  Debunk the theory of the “freshmen 15”, and instead exercise to manage stress & anxiety that naturally comes with starting college.
• Keep in contact with your HS friends.  They are your foundation, less you forget.
• Skype/Facetime/Text/Email/Call your parents and your family.  OFTEN.  This transition is as hard (if not harder) on them than on you.
• Take risks, but not with your behavior.  Be smart.  Be safe.
• Try new things.  Food.  Activities.  Music.  Cultural events.  This is the time for you to spread your wings and really see who you can be (who you already are!)
• Be in the moment.  Practice mindfulness & meditation and if you don’t know what that is, learn!  It will work wonders on quieting your mind, reducing your stress, and allowing you to truly enjoy the moment.
• Remember….more than anything….Nothing in life is too big to cope with when you have friends and family who love you.  And no matter how far you go, we are always, always with you in your heart.
• Last, for today, know that you are more than your school, more than your major, more than your degree.  You are uniquely Y-O-U and that is all you ever have to be!

Sigh….there.  My list.  Not exhaustive, but a start.  I am sure there will be a million more “little tidbits” of advice I will have for him, and ones I will forget and kick myself for not sharing…..and I’m sure he will NOT LISTEN TO MOST OF THEM.  But then again…..Did I?

 

Peace….and happiness….to all beginnings…..