Mind Body Syndrome & the Highly Sensitive Person- exploring the connection

Cooler weather brings more mats in the yoga space, more mats brings more students, more students brings more distraction.  My natural set point of having an overly active/wandering mind has been in overdrive.  Even for me.  Thus, even the holding of Warrior 2, a pose I see at nearly every yoga practice, feels unbearable.  I twitch, move around, try counter poses sorta hoping no one else notices my fidgeting, desperately wanting to get out of the pain that resides in my body.  Not the typical aches/discomfort that begets a nearly 50 year old body, but the pain that I now know originates when my brain gets in this cycle (cue, MBS or also known as TMS….I’ve discussed this cycle in the past writings) but the reminders of  “be with your breath. Be present” that makes so much sense to me, right in this moment feels like the teacher is speaking greek & I…. quite certainly do not.

Mind Body Syndrome or formerly known as TMS: Tension Myositis Syndrome (TMS) is a psychological condition that causes physical symptoms, such as chronic back pain, fibromyalgia, and gastrointestinal problems. The symptoms are not caused by any other medical conditions and are often unexplainable.

While it’s great to have a name to this “unexplainable” syndrome, the “cure” of it is no more under control for me than it was when I first learned about it a few years ago.  I have the tools, I have the information, I have techniques, and at times I am really able to accept it. There is hope in the experience of time, albeit brief, of being nearly pain free.  But mostly, I am still learning to accept and reprogram the faulting “danger” messages looping around in my brain, causing me to have shooting pain in my hip flexor (used to be piriformis, MBS/TMS is characterized by pain moving around from place to place) causing me to lose sleep again, and challenges my ability to sit without discomfort or do poses in yoga that I have been able to do in the past, or run… any distances….without pain.

Yoga has felt like a blur lately.  I show up.  I sit at the top of my mat when class begins, and I quickly close my eyes as to try to turn my thoughts inwards instead of focusing on the myriad of distractions in class.  Difficult part is this technique helps when I am less in this MBS loop, and what can calm my inner thoughts other times, only exacerbates the MBS symptoms when I am in the cycle.  My inward landscape is a labyrinth of thoughts & emotions, most of which I keep to myself.  And so the question comes to me, how do we teach ourselves and others to sit with discomfort and accept that balance of sitting with it without overly identifying with it so that it overstays its welcome?

I’ve been “sitting with” this for at least 10 years, though to varying degrees I am certain I have been “sitting with” this for most of my life.  Writing that, and acknowledging this cycle, feels overwhelming. Being born or molded into a HSP (or highly sensitive person as a former friend once illuminated my understanding of my being) has a concerning flaw in its design.  Not only do we pick up/take on emotions of those around us, but also avoid speaking one’s own truth or push down feelings/emotions to protect or not worry those around us.  Then, to add insult to injury, the fault of “being too sensitive” is often placed squarely on the HSP rather than those around who aren’t caring or attune enough to see that pattern taking form.  While it is something I have been working on in my life, it isn’t perfect by any means and at times, when I am overwhelmed, it isn’t something I can control or see happening…until it’s too late and I’m in this cycle all over again.

In a clinical setting, I often discuss with clients the tragic flaw with this seemingly sensitive and pleasant personality trait.  When you defer consistently to the other’s happiness, by pushing down your thoughts or feelings, you are then the one person in the room who is left feeling unhappy or at a minimum unheard.

I so wanted to have this all figured out and be on the other side saying “yeah, that was me, and I figured out a way to peace and contentment by doing A-B-C”….. I wanted that to be my story or my timeline.  But in trusting my journey…. I am choosing to speak along the way, and hope there is value in my vulnerability of acknowledging I do not have it all figured out.  I am trying.

I have been this person described above my entire life.  Quiet and introverted and sensitive- all traits I am both proud of and embrace, yet frustrate me. Growing up, they certainly made me different and awkward.  As an adult, the traits make me really great as a therapist, and hopefully pretty advantageous as a mom, but the spiral of dysfunction can go off the rails beyond those settings. While this is in no way meant to be a pity party for me or anyone who both is HSP or has MBS, if that is where you, the reader, think I am going with this I am story, sorry to disappoint.  My writing is more to help others understand, how we who fall into these areas function.  For those of you who may love someone, or know someone who is HSP or who has MBS, I hope you can take to heart your own responsibility for how you interact with those people. Yes, you can help.  And can hurt.

1. 1.  Ask questions. how has your pain been?  What can I do to help?  Tell me about the ways that you are able to relax and accept your pain & when it has been less for you.
   2. Never, ever, ever, say someone who is HSP is “overly sensitive.”  Would you prefer those of us who are HSP to refer to you as being “void of sensitivity” or a “heartless a-hole?” Of course not, that’d be unkind.  So please have some compassion for those of us who are trying to have that same sense of compassion for ourselves & this often-problematic trait.  
   3. Understand the physical pain we feel is real, and even though we “look” ok on the outside, doesn’t mean the pain isn’t real and possibly excruciating at times.  The physical sensation of pain MUST always come from the brain.  ALWAYS. But with MBS, there is no physiological explanation for the pain existing.  It doesn’t make the pain any less real.  It actually makes it even more frustrating because there is no easy/quick fix. 
   4. Know there is help out there for anyone diagnosed with MBS, specifically.  For more information on this diagnosis and treatment available…. www.unlearnyourpain.com

 

Wishing all who read this today- or in the future- peace in your journey.

Hustling for Worthiness

On a flight recently across country, I decided in my infinite wisdom to start Brene Brown’s book “The Gift of Imperfection.” If you are not familiar with her work at all…it isn’t exactly “light” reading, and thus I should have known it would awaken some sort of emotions in me.  Trapped in this metal capsule hurdling through the air, and yes that is the best possible way I can describe flying in my opinion, and sharing an uncomfortable finite amount of space….I thought, hey why don’t I explore more of Brene’s research.  Surely this can help me be a better therapist, because after all…I am certain (at this point) I have dealt with all of my own shit……

Gulp.

Quickly it became glaringly apparent I indeed still have my own shit to manage.  At some point, I had tears flooding down my face as I began to delve more in-depth on the subjects of shame & vulnerability, two subjects sure to clear a crowd at any cocktail party!  Although I was familiar with her work from her highly regarded & viewed Ted Talk and appearance on Oprah’s Super Soul Series….nothing prepared me for how reading her written words would affect me.  As someone who feels like she has a fairly secure image of self and likes to believe that she has done her own “work on self”….although I have been gently (and sometimes not so gently challenged on this subject)…her words are a reminder of the importance for each of us to continue to do work on ourselves.  At times, the depth of the pool seems infinite.

As therapists, this can be a horrible experience.  I know I am not alone.  I am being honest.  I would much rather sit in someone else’s story and support him/her, than sit in my own.  I am able to do with no judgment, and I’ve been told and feel a great sense of compassion.  With my own, however…. I desperately want to run from, and have done so literally and figuratively for years.  But as the book so eloquently states, we either stand in our own story and own it, or we stand around it hustle for our worthiness.  

Yuk.

I am reminded of the probably countless times in my life when I have done this.  With friends.  With family.  With boyfriends.  With myself…. Sometimes subtly in what I was/am willing to accept, and sometimes not so subtly in self-destructive behaviors.  To some degree…. so many of us do that what I am describing… instead of sitting in the uncomfortable state of being, we do whatever we can to numb the feelings and wish and hope and pray and think it somehow either isn’t affecting us or will get better…. if only we are “enough”……

There is a huge part of me who truly does walk the walk in what I discuss and research and teach clients.  I fully embrace the connection of mind/body/spirit and a commitment to service.  There is an equal part of me who wants that in its entirety to be the answer to peace & happiness.  I have been talking about this for several years, and for the most part it helps.  A lot!  But what I have found is this….Unless we are really willing to do the “deep dig” as Brene states, and unearth or shine light on the darkness that is within each of us, we can’t truly expect to experience the joy, and happiness and peace so many of us are longing to live.

I am aware that I project a positive and calming energy.  And for the most part, that is true.  But when I tell friends, or write about it, or talk with clients, I am very clear that I work really hard to be where I am.  I don’t wake up every day thinking “wow my life is perfect, I am so grateful.” Rather, there are certain truths I have grown to accept, and certain things I have learned to ignore.  Some are necessary for day to day functioning, some are trivial and not really worth drawing attention to for the most part, but some are in that category of “deep digs” that I really have preferred for years to ignore.  And the truths I have chosen to ignore….that is where the work continues to need to be done.

What truths are you ignoring?

A lifetime of ignoring behavior, part of me thinks I could have chosen to do so forever…..  Endlessly seeking the quick fix…the medical intervention in the hopes (though given little) that my daily struggle could be resolved without my having to really do work……However, I was prompted to finally do, again, another dive, after my publicly discussed 8+ year struggle with chronic pain….

Wait, what?   I am sure most who are still reading this blog are thinking…what on earth does my chronic pain have to do with hustling for worthiness?  For nearly a decade, I have been to countless doctors/medical professionals/practitioners seeking help to alleviate chronic pain I have.  From the traditional to the obscure, from the inexpensive and quick fixes to the extraordinary investment in both time and money, from the strictly medical model to the eastern medicine perspective…I have explored what I thought was it ALL!

Chronic pain is a difficult subject for those who haven’t experienced it to understand.  And while I am cognizant in the fact that I’ve become really really good at hiding what is really going on inside, our bodies keep the score.  We can push shit down for a while, but at some point, as if it’s our bodies internal gauge of saying “hello…. don’t ya think you should deal with this stuff?”, at some point it becomes necessary to address.   From a professional perspective, I know the human condition= shit.  Some glorious days, some tragic.  But we do not exist in the human condition without having collected some clutter or debris or trauma along the route in life.

My clinical self knows this.   I know this!  I am a master of getting clients to look at issues from this lens, and although intellectually I understand I am not immune or separate from others experiences, a part of me truly bought into the belief that my pain was purely physical.  And why wouldn’t I?  Not one, NOT ONE!  Doctor (until now) ever even explored this possibility.  Not one.  I really wanted it to be physical for the most part, because if it was…I could do a procedure or treatment or take a pill or do an exercise or get a specific massage or stretch the pain away.  If it was physical, then I didn’t have to address the “deep dive” issues we all have brewing beneath the surface….However, in nearly a decade…. (I am repeating so you understand the inherent absurdity  I can see now)…. I have had very little relief.  Little.  And somehow, at 46 years old, this was to be an acceptable truth I must live with though there was not clear physiological reason for my pain.

So…. about 2 months ago…. with great humility, I hit my rock bottom.  I looked in the mirror and questioned if I could live the rest of my life-like this.  Sobbing….I couldn’t envision looking at myself at 56…or 66….or….knowing the pain would still be present.  I just didn’t know if I could endure it for much longer……That’s scary!  And in the moment I felt I was at my weakest…..a path I couldn’t have anticipated unfolded in front of me.

I was running from the pain.  Sometimes literally (or attempting to do so) and more often figuratively, and what I so passionately did not want to face was the source of the pain. Yet…..Every day.  When I woke.  When I went to bed.  When I sat in sessions with clients.  When I went on vacation….. drove in the car.  Did yoga.  Sat with my kids watching movies.  Ran.  Pain was there.  If not physiological in origin, than it was emotional….and if I didn’t want to acknowledge it, my body would continue to send me messages….texts…emails…sirens….. billboards….until I listened….

What are you running from?  What are you trying to turn away from and hope/wish/pray it will one day just go away? 

Ugh…..Right?

How could I not see this?  And equally important, why did NO one in the medical community ever even ask me about this or pursue this connection?  No one!  There is actual data and science to support this…it isn’t quackery, yet as a society, we are so conditioned to only look for physical (when pain or chronic conditions present) as if that is the only part that matters or influences our beings….8+ years no one addressed with me, and thought my existing in chronic pain was acceptable.

With great joy, I am here to report that I am finally seeing the connection.  Finally having some relief….and having some peace in my inner self to match that exterior I so readily project to the world.

While I cannot fully explain the path that I am embarking….though one day I truly hope not only to be able to explain it but to offer to my clients (and the world! hey, gotta think big!) I am so grateful to have someone finally giving me hope.

But the key is this…. truly…. we all have somethings that we hide from the world.  Thoughts.  Memories.  Truths.  And if we keep them from the world and don’t examine/process/deal with them…we inadvertently provide the perfect environment for shame to grown and flourish.  And in contrast, when we talk about it…when we step into our own truths and own our stories….when we are vulnerable….we take control back and no longer are governed by shame and guilt and hustle to feel worthy……

LIBERATING!!!!

Final thoughts…can you get to this space to accept as your new truth?  

“You are imperfect, permanently & inevitably flawed….and you are beautiful”   author?  who knows on the internet, really…but what an amazing place to be…..

Peace…..

 

5 Simple steps to “unlearn” Body Shaming

In college I didn’t weigh myself and I didn’t own a scale.  My diet consisted of a bagel in the morning and a diet Dr Pepper, an Otis Spunkmeyer chocolate chip cookie for lunch and probably a diet Dr Pepper, and dinner was chicken and rice or pasta and possibly water (on a rare occasion I would eat a salad from the cafeteria but only if they had red peppers because I am slightly obsessed with them) and shock tarts candy late night at UDF run, and Milano’s turkey submarine sandwiches anytime I could afford them, and a minimum of 3 days a week I drank without any concern of calories or how many was too many.   I didn’t exercise regularly.  The only memory I have of doing so was this….

• Crammed in my sorority house living room, with my best friend, archaic tv set with a ….wait for it…VHS version of Cher’s aerobic tape.  Now…if you have never had the privilege of working out to Cher, let me say, it was by far the BEST time I have ever had working out.  Perhaps because it was utterly ridiculous to be watching her in I am not kidding….lingerie that was supposed to somehow be workout attire and her never ever even sweating as my best friend and I were about to pass out either from laughter or exhaustion……. but faithfully for what I am sure was only a few short weeks of cramming for bikini season in the annual Dayton to Daytona trip post graduation….we plopped in that VHS tape and did our best to work out so we could bare being in a bikini among our peers for a week straight.

Perhaps that started my own 2 decade + struggle with body shaming.

When I look back at the photos from that time period, I was fairly small.  I have no idea how much I weighed but I do know we all shared clothes and I always thought my friends were small, but I didn’t see myself that way.  Somehow I had convinced myself that my genetically inspired boobs were too big, or my I’m sure these are great “birthing” hips, were somehow “wrong”…..

Fast forward……20+ years later.  I own a scale and force myself to only weigh myself once a week.  I have been a vegetarian for 5+ years.  May be more…. I exercise daily.  Daily…and I do mean daily.  Over the past 10 years, I started running and have completed many races of distances from 5K- full marathons.  I walk my dog, aka Layla the Wonderdog at least 2x daily.  And 2 1/2 years ago I started practicing yoga and now do a minimum of 3 days a week.  And drinking?  Maybe 1 day a week and the caloric count and how am I feeling after drinking it is ever-present.

So the frustrating part of me, and something I want to share with others, is all awhile I am doing all of this, I still struggle not only with the probably 20+ lbs I have on me from college but the shame I feel about it.

• Shame for not being more disciplined in my eating/exercising.
• Shame for not weighing less.
• Shame for caring that I don’t weigh less.
• Shame for measuring myself against others.
• Shame for making excuses on days I really really really need sleep vs getting up early to exercise.
• Shame for somehow thinking my self-worth is connected to the number on the scale or the arbitrary size some dress manufacture put in my dress.
• Shame for ……… fill in the blank.

As I am putting the final pieces together to launch my (thankfully already piloted) online consulting/therapeutic business (strong peaceful women), I am forced to not only look at what road blocks have presented themselves in the path to its launch, but also how am I living what I preach to others.

Ugh……

It isn’t just that my weight is up, and my exercise has been sporadic over the past few weeks, it’s that I don’t feel well.  My piriformis syndrome that I manage through yoga and exercise is aggravated.  My eating, because of my increasingly busy schedule, is not planned out and regular in times and content.  And the “oh it’s summer and the 27th graduation party of the season, sure why don’t I have another beer” has happened.  Period.

And I sooooo want to be the embodiment of what I teach (and sometimes preach) to others….alas I am just like the rest of the world doing my best with what I have each day.  In yoga, yet again, I was reminded of the journey…not the destination….of peace. Even though I know it isn’t a “place”, and I teach others this concept, I forget sometimes.

So this is certainly not an exhaustive list but here is my version of steps to start “unlearning” body shaming behavior…..

• Focus on what your body can do, versus what it cannot.  Can you walk? AWESOME!  Practice gratitude and start (and may be stay!) there.
• Treat yourself for positive behavior changes with positive rewards.  Work out consistently for 2 weeks in a row.  Buy a new workout tank to show off your ever- toning arms of steel.  Or a pedicure to soothe your strong amazing feet!
• Be realistic with your workout, eating, drinking, life goals and make small consistent changes over time.  It is the best way to make life-long changes.
• Stop trying to be someone else.  You have ONE body- focus on learning to love (or at least appreciate) the body you live in each day/night.
• Look at yourself in the mirror each day and repeat these words……I am perfectly imperfect and beautiful in my imperfections.  

It is a journey.  I live it each day.  Somedays I am rocking it- I am eating well and working out and practicing deep breathing when my stress increases and sleeping well and helping others and going to church or walking in nature or …..practicing what I preach.  And truly, my lesson to teach others is just like you, I have to work at it.  If I had a magic wand or pixie dust to sprinkle over the world for help people find inner peace and happiness I would but….

What I have is my conceptual program of combining body, mind, spirit and service to find inner peace and happiness…and even I need to be reminded of it from time to time.

Hope for at least one person living with “body shaming”…this helped you to know you are not alone….

Peace….