When 12:07 is the loneliest number that you’ll ever know……

Never has 12:07 minutes felt longer to me.  That is exactly how long it took me to run a mile today in a “mile challenge” at Orange Theory.

This might not seem significant to anyone else, except in my mind.  However, as I stepped up on the treadmill this morning, nervousness and overwhelming feelings of not being good enough ran through my head.  Before I even started.  Instantly, I was catapulted back to the “running the mile” challenge in high school.  How did this happen?  After all the “work” I feel like I have done on myself over the past few years, and in a moment I am reminded that perhaps there is still so much more work for me to be doing on myself.

I was last.  Absolute last in my group to finish.

(Now somehow I missed the memo that I could’ve walked it and done a lesser distance than the “runners”, but I worked so hard to call myself a “runner” after a lifetime of being a self proclaimed couch potato, even if I paid attention enough to see the option, I am pretty sure I would’ve run it anyway.)

As I continued to plot along, the group was cheering me on, literally cheering for me.  I know if it was someone else I would be doing the same, however, I felt embarrassed and ashamed.  Fighting back tears.  Instantly….. I was brought back to that insecure person filled with feelings of not being good enough.  As a person who likes to blend in, having an entire studio cheer you on was anything but comforting.  I wanted desperately to crawl out of my skin, and yet….I finished the workout and quickly existed as soon as possible.  Walking sheepishly past the front desk, embarrassment on my face…the ladies at the desk were also congratulating me for finishing the mile.  I so wanted to glide past them and exit the studio as quickly as possible, but…. not before I told them this:

• I have run and completed 5 full marathons
• I have run and completed 12+ half marathons
• I have run and completed several other mid distance races
• I have done most of the while struggling with a chronic pain condition.  One that has sidelined me for far too long, and one I have an ongoing hate/hate relationship with it as I learn to cohabitate with it and attempt to live as normal a life as possible.

 

Why?  Why did I need to tell them anything? Why?  

If I take a deep breath, and if I am honest with myself, rooted in this is the belief that I’m not enough.  That I need to be something better- or doing more- or proving myself in someway in order to justify my taking up space in the studio, at work, at home, in life.  That is a very difficult thing to write and to acknowledge.  But in that moment, I felt so small (I KNOW that was not any of their intent) and I felt like if I told them all of this, they wouldn’t look at me as being …….. weak. or slow. or fat.  or old.  ugh…….

This is what occurred to me today….. while I am actively reading and meditating and exploring personal growth topics, this morning was a keen reminder of the fragility of self that I wasn’t acknowledging.  Unlike the races I so boldly and unnecessarily blurted out finishing today, there is no end point in this journey.  And that’s the really tricky part, for me.  It was a minor set back, really inconsequential, but in the moment it felt HUGE!  The flashbacks of negative self talk, or being teased in school, of feeling utterly useless flooded into me just as if I had done no “work on self” at all!

I share this today, hoping whoever it reaches who may be struggling with not feeling good enough, or small, or worthless to know….I get it.  While I was REALLY there for a large portion of my life, it is nothing like it used to feel for me.  Recognition that the “work” I’ve been doing does help to shift that perspective.

When I returned home, I listened to some music, said a few “f— this”, cried actual ugly tears, got ready for work, hung out with my dog for a few moments, and set aside time for meditation, I was able to re-set….and remember the TRUTH.

• I am enough
• I matter
• I don’t need to justify my existence or worth to anyone else
• Happiness/contentment/joy is an inside job
• I am a work in progress.  And I thank God I am!  Else my work on earth would be done, right?

In yoga the other day, I left with the message to ponder….. that our souls choose certain human challenges for us to learn from in this life.  If I have not felt worthy at certain points in my life, for example….then it is my responsibility or task to learn that I am enough …… and I can try to numb it with a variety of effective but unhealthy methods (drinking, shopping, drugs, etc.) or I can sit with the feelings (YUK!) and apply the actual tools I not only research but TEACH clients, and grow in this experience.

This month, I am getting back on the “race train” and signed up for a 5k.  A start.  And while I might be one of the last ones to cross the finish line, in my rational self, I can honestly say….. that’s enough.

Would love to hear feedback……. what’s your story?

Sending you thoughts of peace and joy and the knowledge that right now- in this very moment- you are already enough!

Peace…..

 

 

 

 

4 Bags. Taking up Too Much Space in My Mind (and Closet)

4 bags.  I went through my closet yesterday and released myself of 4 bags of clothes, belts, purses, and shoes cluttering up my closet, and my mind.  4!

If you were to look into your closet, drawers, plastic bins or under the bed storage containers, how many jeans, dresses, skirts, shirts, belts…. how many things are you holding on to for the “one day this might fit” or the “one day I might have a use for this” occurrence?

As women, how many of us struggle with disconnecting our self-worth with the size of our clothing or the number on the scale?  So how is seeing clothes that do not fit any longer on a daily basis helpful in making this disconnection?

I have played this game for years.  I have moved clothes back & forth as seasons have changed, and brought the same clothes up/down stairs or moved from closet to closet, thinking one day I will fit back into those amazing pair of Ann Taylor dress pants or the Elie Tahari dress I bought for a charity event at my work over a decade ago.  I held on to them because they’re “classics” and I am charmed by the “what if I eventually lose the weight I want to lose”…then I will be able to wear these items again.  That mind-set isn’t helpful & doesn’t serve me anymore.

The truth is this.  As much as I thought having the reminder of how lovely each of these items were, and seeing them in my closets, would help me to eventually “fit” back into them, it actually had the reverse impact and served as a constant reminder of how badly I was failing at losing the weight so I could wear these items of clothing again.  This game I played in my head almost served as a measuring stick for my happiness….if only, if only I could do more than squeeze back into these clothing items, then all would be peaceful & joyful in the world.  It has nothing to do with happiness…but it was a concept I was buying into for years.

So 4 bags.…Gone.  This is how I did it.

First….

(1) Does it currently fit?

If answer is no, then into a trash bag to be donated to charity it went.  No.  Further. Discussion.  None.

If yes, it went into a separate pile for next evaluation….

(2) If yes, does it?

Serve a purpose (like yoga or running clothes) or make me feel good when I’m wearing it?

If yes, then back into drawers or closet.

If the answer was “no”, then into a trash bag it went to be donated to charity it went.  No. further. Discussion.  None.

4 bags.  

My closet is sparse.  My drawers in my dresser are much more organized and spacious.   But most importantly and significant, the negative chatter that would often happen in my brain when I would stare into my closet was silent this morning.

I was texting a friend of mine about my plan the other day, and she said she did the same thing!  And to her surprise, she began to lose weight soon after.  Now, if that happens, AWESOME!  But if it doesn’t…. I still feel so much more at peace knowing I was able to donate 4 bags of clothing etc that no longer served me to charity so someone else may benefit, and I was not constantly being reminded of an arbitrary ideal that I was striving for that truly has NOTHING to do with how happy I am or how successful I am in life.

Today… I sat out in the sun and ordered a few more items to fill the void in my closet that actually will fit me and will fuel my confidence rather than undermine it.  Until there is a day when we walk into the doctor’s office & their first request (after insurance and ID) is “Can you step on the scale please” and clothing stores replace their “sizes” with things like:

 

It’s up to all of us to seek our self-worth beyond the number on the scale and the size printed on the back of our clothing items….

Peace…….