letting go of the “If onlys” in life….

Ever become engrossed with the “if only” or “would it be nice if” so much so that you miss the beauty that is before you?

My husband graduated with his MBA this past weekend.  It was a huge milestone for not only him, but our family.  Two years of sacrificing time, money, sleep, and house hold chores/projects. Two years of planning outings/vacations/events around an extremely demanding school schedule.  It reminds me of marathon training in that unless you have done it yourself or someone close to you has, it is easy to underestimate the number of hours and weeks and months (and in this case years) of preparation that go into that one moment.  The moment your name is read (or in marathon terms, when you cross the finish line) and you are publicly recognized for your sacrifices and know that in some way, it is all worth it.

This past week, some people we would’ve liked to be present at his graduation or the party afterwards were not only “not” present, they didn’t even call to congratulate my husband.  It was painful.  I was trying to think why it bothered me so much. Why does their not recognizing his efforts even matter?  I don’t know if it is as much needing the appreciation, though deny all we might, we all need that in our lives.  Rather, the absence appeared to confirm the belief that in truth, we matter so little to these people that they couldn’t even take a few moments to call and say “good job!” ….and that is what is truly painful.

So where does the letting go part fit in?

When I sit back and reflect on “what if — was there?” or “What if things were different?”….I can, just like everyone else get marrowed down in my disappointment and sadness.  If I follow that path, if I choose to look at those who were not there, I would miss the beauty that this weekend really presented.

Graduation day was amazing.  To see all these brilliantly happy (yes, for sure some were probably “brilliant” as well) people all gathered to celebrate these great accomplishments was great to be a witness.  For our 2 boys, still in the midst of their education, to witness their Dad getting his diploma and recognized for his hard work, I hope, is something they will never forget.  One of my favorite quotes, written on the chalk board next to our monthly schedule reads “Nothing great is ever achieved without much enduring.” (a quote from my sorority years…).  Repeat…Nothing. Great.  Is EVER achieved, without much enduring.  If I had stayed stuck in my disappointment and the “what ifs”, may be I would’ve missed the opportunity to draw this parallel for my kids.  “See…all those nights Dad was up studying, was so he could reach this point.  Won’t it be great when we’re here for you one day?” A gift.  It was a choice…I had to make….focus on the what ifs, or celebrate in the now…..

So all of this was easy to recognize in some ways in the midst of the pomp and circumstance…but what about the next day?  When the fanfare wore off, the robes were put away and we gathered with our friends and family to celebrate the end of these past 2 years and the beginning of whatever the next chapter holds?

For a moment, I thought of those who weren’t present.  For a moment I felt the anger and disappointment welling up inside me…and then I looked.  I really looked out at our friends and family who were there.   And I realized, we have some seriously special people around us.  From the day my husband entered the program until the day we toasted with our family and friends at the local brewery, people have been there every step of the way.  I can’t thank them enough for their support.  In focusing on this, in focusing on the now, the “what if’s” all faded away.  They no longer mattered, because truthfully I have no control over the “what ifs“, so I choose to focus on the now.

Another favorite quote “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” Dr. Seuss

Love Dr. Seuss.  Brilliant.

Peace……

 

Flyer Nation…..it’s more than a school, it’s community.

“Invisible threads are the strongest ties.” Freidrich Neitzche

Community- a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals.

This past week or so, I have been almost giddy (yes, me…almost giddy) watching and reading all the coverage on University of Dayton’s basketball team. While I understand the “Cinderella Story” of the team sells, what I find even more interesting is the reaction to the stories posted in social media by my fellow alum.  While it is fantastic they are in the playoffs, and yes it is amazing, universally the pride we feel for others getting a glimpse of “why” we all love our college is what stands out! Community.

Walking through campus, I remember loving the feeling of recognizing faces if I didn’t know names and exchanging “hellos” with passersby as if it was a cultural, albeit unspoken, norm for the student body.  I loved that feeling.  Small enough to feel like you knew everyone but large enough to have the experience of being a second semester senior and meeting a new friend.  Community.… it was all around us at UD.  So when people wonder why such frenzied flyer love is flying (no pun intended, ok…maybe intended) so freely all around the nation, it’s this tremendous sense of community that we all feel is something larger than ourselves,like “invisible threads” that connect us forever.

Isn’t that what we all yearn for on some level, to belong to something larger than ourselves?

As a young child, my family moved often.  One might think my Dad was perhaps in the military for how often we moved, but in actuality it was banking.  I know, I know….what???  While I do not begrudge my parents for making difficult decisions to move myself and my brother in hopes for better job opportunities for my Dad, it was undeniably difficult for me to constantly be the new kid in school.  As a naturally shy and introverted person (yes, I really am!), I had very little experience with what it was like to “belong” to a community.  At UD, I found it. When my parents informed me they were moving once again at the end of my freshmen year, and offered for me to transfer to another college closer to them, I politely said, “Um…no way!” and stayed at UD.  Starting and completing school, for the first time in my life, with the same group of people….my graduation day remains one of my fondest memories to date.

So how do we take what we have had in our lives and long for in some ways, and transfer it somewhere else?  I think of it as once we know what works for us, why would we want to do anything else?

I worked for almost 14 years at a cancer support community.  Seriously.  Community.

I run with a great group of women (and sometimes guys depending on the event).  Community.

I joined a yoga studio with a strong sense of community at its core.  Community.

I volunteer and practice my faith in a church, that is also where my kids go to school.  Community.

So….while these past few weeks have made me more than just a little nostalgic for my days in college, and for spending times with my friends on the roof of my sorority house drinking beverages (shhh….I am sure I was 21 when I did this!), I am thankful for the lessons I learned about the importance of community and my ability to be able to translate that into my now “not so young” adult life.

For helping me to understand the sacredness of life…..I found community at Gilda’s Club.

For helping me to be both a mentor and student, encouraging others to reach their dreams of running a marathon….I found community in running with friends.

For helping me to deepen my practice of meditation and do something on a regular basis that I don’t feel necessarily proficient, understanding sometimes that isn’t the point….I found community at Citizen yoga.

For helping me understand that with God, no matter what I go through in life, I am never alone…I found community at Shrine.

This is one of my all-time favorite quotes…my college friends have a sense of why this author has importance to me…others I will just keep you guessing….

“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” Dr. Seuss

We are not meant to be islands onto ourselves, our need and gravitation towards others makes our experience as humans unique. Community. 

Peace…..& Go UD!