peace…..or trying to find while running with pain

Sigh……………………..

I was doing so well.
I had a great relatively pain-free race in Nashville in the spring and I feel like I’m right back where I started…..living with chronic and moderate to severe pain in my leg.  To be more specific and truthful, it really starts in my a– and goes down to my ankle. Sorry for graphic description, but that’s the truth.

This isn’t a new phenomenon for me as I’ve written about it before, and I’ve stated I’ve been living with it for the better part of 5 years.  I don’t talk about it nearly as much as I think about it because I’ve learned sympathy has a shelf life, and after a while no one really wants to hear about it.  But the truth is, it NEVER goes completely away.  NEVER.  I don’t wake up and “not” think about it, ever.  I understand what people living with a chronic condition feel like,  yet I feel like a wimp even acknowledging mine because well, it’s just piriformis syndrome and really, what’s the big deal?  Why don’t I stop running?

Since I started running, it’s been a bit of a respite for me, allowing me find my sacred place and strive towards having a more peaceful inner spirit.  In the beginning, I was forging the journey on my own as I didn’t really know many other runners.  Since then, I’ve both encouraged others to start or resume running as well as networked with other runners and found a wonderful community of like-minded people who share my love of the sport.

Writing that I have a “love” for a “sport” still feels foreign for me as I continue to struggle with my name being associated with being an athlete.  A lifetime of couch-potatohood is hard to escape as a persona.

So this weekend I signed up and ran CRIM.  A favorite road race in the area, it’s one of the largest 10 mile races in the country,and one of the largest races in the state.  It’s hilly, it’s hot, it lacks shade and it’s a tough course.  I know that going in as I’ve run it several times before, always thinking why on Earth and I running this again?

Even though they changed they changed the course this year in the first 2 miles (making the course even hillier, thank you very much!), I felt great for the first 7 or so miles.  Then without much warning, my leg began to tighten and I struggled for the last 3 or so miles trying to get my legs to get me to the finish line.

Every runner knows, anticipates, expects, acknowledges there will be some sort of pain that accompanies running, and more specifically running long distance races.  I understand and accept that.  What I struggle with is finding a way to accept my limitations and trust in my body (and in God) in finding a balance to push myself even when I feel like giving  up yet understanding when my body is giving me signals that I need to not push beyond what my injury can endure.

I don’t know how to do that very well.

On the race, I read a person’s shirt that read “The human body has limitations.  The human spirit has no boundaries.”  I love that.  I want that as my mantra.

I have read at other races “In my mind, I’m a Kenyan”……and in my mind, I am!  In my mind, I want to go and go and go and go forever, running brings my mind and body in such harmony I just want to continue on….but my human body is injured and honestly, it angers me that it isn’t cooperating.

So I’m trying to find peace and balance again.

Yesterday, I scheduled my weekly massage again.  I’m committing to weekly.  Today, I did stretches and strength training.  Tomorrow I will go back to running, slowly and cross train if need be.

Most importantly, I am remembering in my mind the saying the saying from the cheesie 80s movie Steel Magnolias, “that which does not kill me, makes me stronger.”

Not peaceful…..but finding my way back to the path……

Peace….and teenagers (another running edition) and cross country.

I love cross-country.  Why did I not run in high school?

I spent 4 days “up north” with 22 High School Cross Country kids this past week.  Let me start to clarify for those outside of Michigan a few things…..

What is “up north?”

• No, it does not necessarily mean the “Upper Peninsula, aka the UP” but it can be.
• Yes, it does include areas that aren’t necessarily “up north” but rather to the far west of the state (i.e. Saugatuck or South Haven)  that are actually more south than north of Metro Detroit.
• Yes, it does include most of the state of Michigan that is outside of Metro Detroit.
• Yes, everyone in Michigan understands the above unwritten rules.
• And yes, it is appropriate and commonplace (and perhaps enviable for those residing in other states) to use your hand as map for point of reference.

For clarification, I was actually in the northern mid section of the lower peninsula.  Far way for the traffic and the pace of the city, surrounded by pine trees as far as the eye could see.

I chaperoned my son’s cross-country camp along with 3 coaches.  Each day, the teens would run in the morning…..goof around all day….and then run in the afternoon.  They’d run up/down hills (something we don’t have down in the city), they’d run on the dirt roads, they’d run through the snowmobile trails, they’d run together, often silently gliding along with one another for miles and miles.

I decided to run most of the runs with them while I was there.  Yes, me….a 42-year-old late to running mother of 2 decided I’d try to keep up with these kids, many of whom had been running for longer than I had been!

I pushed myself to keep pace and often was just behind the kids, but thought to myself, “hey, I’m a 42-year-old mother of 2, I’m pretty happy I can even get out there and sorta keep up with them!” I tried to chit-chat with them along the way, forgetting sometimes that I am indeed a “42 year old…” and perhaps they didn’t really want to chit-chat with me, but they were all sweet and obliged.  At least to my face…..Sigh……

I left camp with a new appreciation of the sport.  Although I’ve been a runner, and a distance runner, for over 8 years, I sometimes still feel like there is still so much I need to learn about the sport.  I enjoyed seeing it through the eyes of the kids on the team.

When people are quick to judge all teens as bad, or trouble….I wish they could have had a few moments to see what I did for days on end.

22 teens, some with fantastic athletic ability and some who are in the sport perhaps for other reasons (to get in shape or to be a part of a team sport).  22 teens, most with high academic achievements and all with academic standards I think much higher than I had for myself at their age.  22 teens, involved in ministry and service and committed to serving God.  22 teens, goofy and gangly and all together beautiful.  22 teens, more concerned with having fun together on a run than pushing each other down.  22 teens, all waiting until the very last runner came back from his/her run to start with the next activity.  22 teens, more supporters than competitors and more family than just team members.

Why did I not run cross-country?

I was a cheerleader, a tennis player and a basketball player all for about a minute.  Basketball player?  Yes, really…..I’m 5 foot 3 inches on a “tall day” so really, not surprising that one didn’t last, eh?

But watching these kids, I was constantly reminded of my love for the sport, and the discipline each and every one has to have in his/her own way.  Discipline to run, even when their hurting.  Discipline to run, even if they aren’t the fastest kid on the field.  Discipline to run, not as a punishment for messing up in their sport of choice but rather because it IS THEIR SPORT OF CHOICE.  RUNNING.  SIMPLY FOR THE LOVE OF AND UNDERSTANDING OF THE BENEFITS OF THE SPORT.

Loved being a part of it.

Searching for a quote….this reminded me of the spirit of the kids, or teens, or young adults I had the privilege, yes, privilege to chaperone this past weekend….

“What defines us isn’t how many times you crash, but the number of times you get back up.” Sarah Dessen.   

It isn’t so much those who are gifted and win the race than impress me (oh yes….they are amazing, don’t get me wrong), but the kids who run the race, even if they know they have no ability (for now) to win.

When people ask me why I run the race (marathons) even if I know I have no chance of winning (ok, “people” really means my youngest son…..), I can explain it as simply as this……

If I focus on winning as my only goal, then I am missing the point of the journey…….

Peace, and Happy Running…… and go hug a cross county kid!

(not in a creepy way, however….)

peace…and running in the country, a true story….

When I started running, to say that I was regimented was a gross underestimate of my routine.

• I would always wear head phones and usually had a play list- having specific songs set at certain points of the run to get me through.
• I ran the same routes, over and over and over again.  The mere mention of deviating from my routes would send a certain level of panic over me.
• If running with friends, I usually would have to run on the left of everyone else.  Sometimes, it had to do with the Ipod headphone that was still in my ear, but not always.

I could go on, but you get the picture, regimented.

Runners, I have found, by nature are a regimented bunch.  And while routine can be helpful and in some ways necessary in order to achieve specific running goals, the need to stick with them at all cost can rob one of the joy of the journey.

Much to the elation of my running friends, I have learned to let go of some of my rigid ways.  I no longer wear an Ipod when running with others, and rarely wear when I’m running alone anymore.  I am happy to run on the left, right, behind or sometimes in front of others.  And I hardly balk at our “non route” routes and choose to embrace the not knowing where we are going as long as we end up with a certain distance.  Progress…..

So when my husband suggested we go for a run this weekend together, in the country, I naturally jumped at the opportunity.

Ok, that isn’t really how it happened.

When I refer to my “running friends”, my husband is not one of them.  Not because we are not friends, and not because he isn’t a runner…..rather our paces are dramatically different.  He is the hare, and I am the tortoise.

Typically, I am anxious running with people who are faster.  I inevitably feel like I need to speed up my pace and feel badly that the other person is slowing down his/hers.  End result= a horrible run.

This week, I decided to be in the moment and enjoy the run.  And rather than repeat patterns that ended in one/both of us having a bad run, I decided to be honest that in order for me to run with him, I needed to set the pace.  He agreed, without hesitation.

No Ipod.  I was able to listen to the birds chirp, and chat with my husband uninterrupted for an hour, a rarity for any of us who have school aged children.

Country Running….up/down/up/down with no traffic lights forced me to run harder, run stronger, and push myself because I had no external stimuli telling me it was now time for a break.  I ended up running 30 seconds faster per mile than I had been averaging in the past month.

So here’s our funny little running journey in God-knows-where, Michigan…..

I swapped the noise of ambulance sirens and cars honking, the necessary stops of traffic lights and crossing streets with a steady pace down the rolling hills in the country.  We came by a small horse farm, not a typical site on my training runs.  So what does an animal loving, city girl do?  Well naturally, I talked to the horses as we passed by and told each one how beautiful each one was…perhaps I was replacing the stop light breaks I get in the city with the conversation with the horses?   Maybe……

We continued on our path, turning down our next street, while keeping the horses to our left.  We came upon a stunning horse, close to the fence with her rear end facing towards us.  Both of us, without saying a word, were thinking “wouldn’t it be funny if she pooped right now?” (Yes….we were both thinking that!  Hey, we were in the country!)

No sooner did thought enter our minds did a HUGE toot! come out of this majestic, graceful animal sending her speeding away as fast as she could go looking back as if to say “Oh my gosh, who did that?”

I was uncontrollably laughing…..bent over holding my stomach kind of laughing……

The lesson I learned….had I not been willing to step outside my comfort zone, I would’ve missed the beauty of the journey.  And would’ve missed out on a funny story to tell…..

Quote for the day….”Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” Neale Donald Walsch.

Peace and Happy Running…..

peace in knowing…I’m not a Kenyan, even on a bike….

 

Marathon training in full swing, and this year I’m following a run fast/run less (think that’s the name) program.  I run three days (tempo, speed work, and long run) and cross train the other days. For someone who battles training injuries, this worked out really well for me in training for a half marathon in the spring, and hoping it works for the full marathon this fall.

blah, blah, blah….

So today, I wore my trusty Garmin (as I’m a convert to wearing one at all times I’m training now) and headed out on my bike.  About a half mile into my ride, I glanced down at my Garmin and realized I was riding the pace that my husband runs! 7 minute miles.  Ok, time to pick up the pace……faster and faster I peddled with my freakishly short legs…..

Next mile in, I glanced down at my Garmin, to my satisfaction I was riding faster than my husband runs, but still, slower than the “Kenyans” (or elite runners- Kenyans, Moroccans, Ethopians, or “Hanson” Runners) run at race pace for a marathon.  I was still only biking around a 5:30 minute mile.  Seriously!  How do they do it?

While I fought the use of the Garmin for oh so long, I am now really appreciating what it does for me to keep on track, monitor my own pace, and if I for a moment think I’m speedy….brings me right back to reality and acknowledge that I’m more tortoise than hair.  But happy that I get the opportunity to be in the race……

Love this quote…. “Run if you can, walk if you have to, crawl if you must; just never give up!” Dean Karnazes

That is all….run happy…..

Peace…..

peace….with frantic prepping for family vacations….

Week before vacation week.  Normally looks like this…..

• Frantically trying to schedule work/clients into limited time slots and hoping it all works out.
• Frantically trying to get my training runs in so I can “not” feel guilty if “perhaps” one of my training runs/workouts doesn’t happen on vacation.
• Frantically writing list after list after list hoping that I don’t forget anything before we leave.
• Frantically trying to remember to make sure cats are fed, mail is brought into house, plants are watered, and now…some fabulous doggy daycare place takes care of my pride and joy, our 2-year-old boxer puppy love Layla.
• Frantic all around……

Even with the frantic schedule, I have always been grateful for the opportunity to go on vacation.  It’s not about the destination so much as the opportunity to spend time with family. And not just the four who live in my house.

Flash back 14 years ago…..My Dad was getting ready for a bone marrow transplant.  Our youngest son was just over two years old, and we decided to go to Florida with my parents so we could take our son to Disney.  Ok, really, we decided to go to Disney so my Dad could see my son go to Disney.  For you see, in the world of loving someone with cancer, nothing in life is guaranteed.  While my son clearly has zero memory of going to Disney the first time, my parents and my husband and I have a very clear memory of going and the almost tactile symbolic nature of the vacation for my Dad’s cancer journey.

Flash forward 13 years later, we have continued to go on vacation with my parents nearly every year.  While the location has changed from the oh so indulgent (and equally non-memorable to my very young children) all-inclusive trips to the Caribbean and Mexico to the more practical but equally lovely trips to Florida, the importance of the experience has remained constant.

As I prepare this week, I remember how grateful I am for the donor who gave his stem cells to my Dad, enabling him to remain in remission for over 13 years.  I’m grateful to the doctors for the perseverance and compassion in his care.  I’m grateful for the lessons learned in the importance of family. Yes, I honestly think about this every time we set out for vacation.

So in my “frantic” week leading up to this year’s vacation, I’m trying to reflect on the following……

• Keeping in mind the fragility life, in particular my Dad’s life, reminds me to show the clients I work with the same compassion and support that my Dad and our family have been shown for nearly 2 decades.
• Having a busy schedule makes me more determined to get my training runs in and makes me work out harder.  I can be a lolly-gagger if given the opportunity.
• Lists keep me focused.  I LIVE by my steno notebook that helps me remember what I need to do, and feel accomplished when I cross things off.  I’m sure my iPhone has an “app” for that….but I’m old school.
• Remembering to trust my neighbors and friends to help us.  It’s a lesson in humility for me.  I’m reminded that we do no live on an island onto ourselves, and we need others.  I’m grateful for the amazing neighbors.
• Lastly, I am reminded to take time to get a slurpie for my kids, lay with my dog Layla (Ok, I seldom need a reminder for that because she is so darn cute!), and reminded to breathe….and relax….and get a pedicure (yes, getting for sure even if time is limited) because what gets done.  does.  and what doesn’t…probably isn’t all that important anyway.

I’m frustrated when people don’t take the opportunity to spend time with family.  Cancer entering our family made me face the uncertainty of life at and early age.  I’ve never taken relationships for granted.  It’s the “gift” cancer has given me.  Over the past year, I’ve watched a neighbor and an Uncle die.  Since then, I’ve watched their families work through grief.  It’s painful to watch.  My heart aches for them.  While I wish that I could take away their pain, I’m aware that this is part of their journey, and I cannot.

What I can do, and will continue to do, is honor their memories by spending time with my family members on vacation….and remembering that time is precious.  Vacation to me is this.  Simple.  Relaxing.  A million of moments that may seem commonplace to some, but to me, are priceless.

Final thought for today…..”I sustain myself with the love of my family” Maya Angelou.

I’m grateful that no matter how horrible I was as a child, and more probably as a teenager (Yes, I was horrible!)….my parents always loved me.  Focusing on that, helps to limit the frantic nature of this week leading up to the joy of vacation.  And who knows, maybe one day I’ll have a pre-vacation week without any “frantic” time whatsoever.

Maybe…….

Peace……….

Peace….and lessons learned from running a marathon

Reading that totally makes me laugh.  There are days I concur.  But mostly it just makes me laugh…..

I saw this video a few weeks back, and it sums up many conversations I’ve had about running and training to run marathons.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbiuns5_WXM

In 2005, I ran my first half marathon in Detroit.  I entered Ford Field (the finish at the time) feeling something north of elation!  I collected my medal, mylar wrap, water, banana and bagel and whatever other food they had set out for the finishers, and began my journey UP the stairs to see my family.  Yes.  You had to go UP the stairs after running 13.1 or 26.2 miles.  (they no longer have the finish on Ford Field, thankfully.)

Upon reuniting with my family, my younger son leans over to me and says 2 things (mind you, he is 3 years old at the time)

• Mommy did you win? (To which I replied, no.  I finished)
• Then why did you get a medal? (To which I replied, because I finished)

How often is our focus on “winning”, that in the process we miss the point or the purpose in the journey?

I spent countless hours training to run the race, knowing that there was no chance I’d ever “win”.  In actuality, the “winner” of the full marathon that year finished a few minutes after I finished my half marathon.  Yet, I couldn’t have been more proud of myself for finishing the race.

In order to get to the finish line…..we have to train for the race, and get the courage to even decide to train to run one.  If “winning” was the only purpose for deciding to enter a race and train to do a race, then there would probably be 4 Kenyans, 3 Moroccans, 2 Ethiopians and 1 Hanson’s running team member to ever show up at a race.  Seriously.  The top 10 is comprised roughly with that same population race after race after race.  Yet, for the Marine Corps Marathon, which I’m signed up for in October has roughly 30,000 people- many average people like me who don’t get paid to run, don’t have endorsements, don’t have a chance to cross the finish line before anyone else does…..but do it anyway.

Top 5 reasons I have learned from marathon running:

1. To set goals.  Whether it’s in running or in further ones education or in deciding to live a healthier lifestyle, it all starts with setting a goal.
2. Discipline.  Distance running requires sacrifice in what you can eat and do during a training season.  Sometimes, it requires skipping late night festivities in order to get in enough sleep to train the next day.  Discipline.
3. Patience.  Training season is 16-20 weeks long.  That includes daily workouts often covering the same course, leading up to the actual race.  Hundreds of hours of training, leading up to a few hours of a race…..patience.
4. Courage.  To combat all the negative messages we hold in our minds that prevent us from even trying something for fear of failing.  It isn’t that I’ve finished 3 full marathons, and 8 half marathons that I find amazing, it’s that I had the courage to even try.  I sat on the side lines for 30+ years of my life, and one day decided I didn’t want to anymore.  I’m proud of that and hope my children can see that in me.  Courage.
5. To have fun.  With all the griping I do about the monotony of distance running, the truth is it is really fun.  I have the best conversations along the way with my “running friends” and am able to see some beautiful cities along the way.  If it wasn’t “fun”…I would’ve stopped years ago.  Fun.

To leave today with the eloquent words of Ernest Hemingway is a great delight…..”It is good to have an end to the journey; but it is the journey that matters in the end.”

I couldn’t have said it any better.

peace and happy goal setting in your journey…..

peace….found in marathon training, again

9 miles.  That was our training run this past Saturday.

In the beginning, I think I looked like the image above.  Happy.  Springy.  Ready to conquer the loop at the park where we were running, only to have a short 1.5 mile in/out after.  Easy.

We arrived at the park, before 8 am, and the thermostat already read 76 degrees.  Humidity hung in the air, and the sunshine I had missed for nearly 6 months had all decided to appear on this morning.

Yes, I know, I complain when it’s too cold.  I complain when it’s too hot.  It’s like I’m high maintenance or something?  Truly….I’d prefer to run in the cold than hot, but as the road to Marine Corps starts with a June training schedule, this is what I have to work with for now.

Running outside does offer some spectacular advantages that we are always reminded of in our lives but far too often forget or ignore…

• Take time to stop and smell the roses.  Well, when running may be don’t stop but admire the ever-changing trees, flowers, and all the aromas that come with the natural beauty of your surroundings.
• Take time to separate from hustle and bustle of the world.  While it may be acceptable (I’m not sure why, personally) to text or talk on the phone while running in the gym, when you’re outside it is seldom seen and certainly frowned upon if done.  Rather than being hyper sensitive to the buzzing or ringing alerting one to an incoming text, you’re able to become hyper sensitive to your own rhythmic breathing connecting you to your body and soul on your run, while listening to the birds chirping, frogs croaking, and  bees buzzing around you.  (A) if there are bees, you might want to know where they are so you don’t get stung= bad running experience and (B) this is really only achievable if you get out of the city and go somewhere where the cars horns and sirens don’t muck up the symphony of nature.  I HIGHLY recommend this experience!
• Get out of your comfort zone!  For years, I ran the same exact course over and over and over and over again in training.  When my running friends would suggest another route, it would send almost a visible panic across my face and through my body.  We joke now at how “far I’ve come”….literally and figuratively speaking.
• Even in rain, or snow, or heat…..as long as your prepare properly you will be fine.   Rain will not kill you (typically….as sweet as I am I didn’t even melt.  SHOCKING!).  Snow is easier to run in than rain, and with proper layering, it is quite pleasant to run through the winter.  Heat= hydrate.  Sunscreen.  Repeat.

Along the course, the endlessly thinking/observing/analyzing person that I am came away with these observations….in no apparent order.

• Wave and say hello people!  Seriously.  I started a game early on in our run.  After few people waved or said hello after my friend Kristi and I did, I decided I was going to keep count of how many reciprocated our friendly gestures.  I said hello to EVERYONE.  May be a tad obnoxiously mid way as I couldn’t understand why there wasn’t a little “hey” or something as we ran by other runners/bikers/rollerbladers.   At the end of the run, there were less than 10 who actually said “hello” in something that would resemble a friendly manner…and 2 of those friendly souls were fellow running friends of ours so that slightly skews the pathetic results.
• Pace.  Pace.  Pace.  While it might feel great to run a full minute faster per mile than your training pace in the beginning, it catches up to you at the end.  We were cooked.  The last 2 miles were painfully slow and laborious.
• Hydrate.  Wow how I loved the water and Gatorade I had filled my fuel belt with this week.  Though I hate wearing the belt, as it messes up my fashionable running attire (I’ll get to that next), it is oh so necessary during long training runs, and even more so in the summer.
• Why do people still wear cotton shirts running?  Or long pants?  Or jeans?  Really?  I cannot imagine something more uncomfortable.  Dryfit/moisture wicking material is akin to wearing pads for football or shin guards in soccer…..it’s there to protect your skin while running.  Once expensive and exclusively made by Nike, ALL athletic attire companies make clothing now that is JUST FOR RUNNING so throw out the cotton t-shirts already.  It’s ok.  You can do it! I opt for cute running tanks from Lululemon right now and my favorite running skirts from Brooks.  I’m available for sponsorship from said companies, just saying…..
• Watch out for deer, turkeys, and other various wildlife while running in the country or at county parks.  They will not stop for you, so unless you want to seek medical attention, might be wise to turn off music (or at least down) and be aware of surroundings.  Turkeys:  6-8, Deer: 1.  Ducks/birds/squirrels/various other wildlife, too plentiful to count.
• Pomegranate & Blueberry Smoothies from McDonald’s are delicious!  Try one.  While I typically opt for chocolate milk made with almond milk post long run, this week we decided to try something new (SCARY for a self-professed control freak and routine follower) and WOW! Delicious!  And having read several articles touting this as an effective way to lower your core body temperature following a long run, I felt like I was doing something “right” in all the things I don’t do right while running….. I often…..

1. Go out too fast.  2.  Fail to stretch before or after running (shh…don’t tell my masseuse.  Oops.  Damn.  She reads this too!) 3. Fail to double knot laces (why don’t I do this?) 4. Wear a Garmin to keep track of my pace (I’m buying my own this week so I can stop harassing my husband to borrow his).

Most importantly, this week I re-learned this……life is a journey and right now, it’s about preparing for my next marathon.  Rather than focus on each individual training run, and how much weight I didn’t lose even though geez! one would think I would through all this running and training, I’m choosing to focus on the journey towards a stronger and healthier mind and body.

Wordy blog……but leaving with a poignant quote from a writer I aspire to be like one day…..

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” Ernest Hemingway

Peace and Happy Running…..