When 12:07 is the loneliest number that you’ll ever know……

Never has 12:07 minutes felt longer to me.  That is exactly how long it took me to run a mile today in a “mile challenge” at Orange Theory.

This might not seem significant to anyone else, except in my mind.  However, as I stepped up on the treadmill this morning, nervousness and overwhelming feelings of not being good enough ran through my head.  Before I even started.  Instantly, I was catapulted back to the “running the mile” challenge in high school.  How did this happen?  After all the “work” I feel like I have done on myself over the past few years, and in a moment I am reminded that perhaps there is still so much more work for me to be doing on myself.

I was last.  Absolute last in my group to finish.

(Now somehow I missed the memo that I could’ve walked it and done a lesser distance than the “runners”, but I worked so hard to call myself a “runner” after a lifetime of being a self proclaimed couch potato, even if I paid attention enough to see the option, I am pretty sure I would’ve run it anyway.)

As I continued to plot along, the group was cheering me on, literally cheering for me.  I know if it was someone else I would be doing the same, however, I felt embarrassed and ashamed.  Fighting back tears.  Instantly….. I was brought back to that insecure person filled with feelings of not being good enough.  As a person who likes to blend in, having an entire studio cheer you on was anything but comforting.  I wanted desperately to crawl out of my skin, and yet….I finished the workout and quickly existed as soon as possible.  Walking sheepishly past the front desk, embarrassment on my face…the ladies at the desk were also congratulating me for finishing the mile.  I so wanted to glide past them and exit the studio as quickly as possible, but…. not before I told them this:

• I have run and completed 5 full marathons
• I have run and completed 12+ half marathons
• I have run and completed several other mid distance races
• I have done most of the while struggling with a chronic pain condition.  One that has sidelined me for far too long, and one I have an ongoing hate/hate relationship with it as I learn to cohabitate with it and attempt to live as normal a life as possible.

 

Why?  Why did I need to tell them anything? Why?  

If I take a deep breath, and if I am honest with myself, rooted in this is the belief that I’m not enough.  That I need to be something better- or doing more- or proving myself in someway in order to justify my taking up space in the studio, at work, at home, in life.  That is a very difficult thing to write and to acknowledge.  But in that moment, I felt so small (I KNOW that was not any of their intent) and I felt like if I told them all of this, they wouldn’t look at me as being …….. weak. or slow. or fat.  or old.  ugh…….

This is what occurred to me today….. while I am actively reading and meditating and exploring personal growth topics, this morning was a keen reminder of the fragility of self that I wasn’t acknowledging.  Unlike the races I so boldly and unnecessarily blurted out finishing today, there is no end point in this journey.  And that’s the really tricky part, for me.  It was a minor set back, really inconsequential, but in the moment it felt HUGE!  The flashbacks of negative self talk, or being teased in school, of feeling utterly useless flooded into me just as if I had done no “work on self” at all!

I share this today, hoping whoever it reaches who may be struggling with not feeling good enough, or small, or worthless to know….I get it.  While I was REALLY there for a large portion of my life, it is nothing like it used to feel for me.  Recognition that the “work” I’ve been doing does help to shift that perspective.

When I returned home, I listened to some music, said a few “f— this”, cried actual ugly tears, got ready for work, hung out with my dog for a few moments, and set aside time for meditation, I was able to re-set….and remember the TRUTH.

• I am enough
• I matter
• I don’t need to justify my existence or worth to anyone else
• Happiness/contentment/joy is an inside job
• I am a work in progress.  And I thank God I am!  Else my work on earth would be done, right?

In yoga the other day, I left with the message to ponder….. that our souls choose certain human challenges for us to learn from in this life.  If I have not felt worthy at certain points in my life, for example….then it is my responsibility or task to learn that I am enough …… and I can try to numb it with a variety of effective but unhealthy methods (drinking, shopping, drugs, etc.) or I can sit with the feelings (YUK!) and apply the actual tools I not only research but TEACH clients, and grow in this experience.

This month, I am getting back on the “race train” and signed up for a 5k.  A start.  And while I might be one of the last ones to cross the finish line, in my rational self, I can honestly say….. that’s enough.

Would love to hear feedback……. what’s your story?

Sending you thoughts of peace and joy and the knowledge that right now- in this very moment- you are already enough!

Peace…..

 

 

 

 

How running a marathon changed my life & why you should find your own “marathon” too!

Fear has two meanings:

• Forget everything and run
• Face everything and rise

You choose.

If you’ve made it past the title of this post you’re either:

• Curious about running a marathon
• A marathon runner
• A family member/friend reading just to be supportive, which is lovely too….
• Caught my purposeful use of quotation marks around “marathon” and are curious what I meant

What is your “marathon?”

I grew up with the clear belief that I was not an athlete.  I’m not sure where that belief emerged from and how it took hold.  In reflection, however, a deeper truth bubbled to the surface.  It wasn’t so much that I was un-athletic, rather my insecurity and anxiety and introversion that influenced my relationship with sports or activities in general. The fear of putting myself out there for others to see me, to really see me, was so frightening that I chose to hide behind the contrived belief that I was un-athletic as a safer way to navigate through my formative years.

When I started running/walking in my mid-30s, it was more as a way to relieve stress & have a few moments where no one needed me.  More specifically, I longed for a few moments where someone wasn’t saying “Mom! Mom! Mom!” or “What are we having for dinner?” It was a few moments of an escape for me.

I never even considered training for let alone finishing a marathon.  What would I have to draw from over the course of my life to make be think that was possible?  Nothing!  If someone had suggested that I write a book (and understand what I was writing about) on quantum physics, that would be more believable!  As a clinical social worker with a background in psychology and religious studies, that would be a magnificent stretch to even ponder.  However, somewhere early in the process, something shifted in me and I started to believe the unbelievable.

With each step on my training runs, each day I’d log my miles, each new pair of shoes I’d purchase, each small run I’d participate in and complete, each blister or sore muscle I’d take notice of along the way, my mindset started to shift from there is no way, to what if? What once seemed impossible became possible by my DAILY ritual of participating in the process.  The daily ritual of training runs, cross training, and even rest days IS what made the difference in my belief system.  The trite bucket list item of “I want to run/complete a marathon” became a reality for me.

In the fall of 2006, I ran and completed my first marathon in Detroit.  I joined the group of less than 1% of the world’s population who has completed this distance.  I DID THAT!  ME!  The:

• Un-athletic Me
• Picked last in gym class Me
• Didn’t make “insert sport here” Me
• Didn’t try out for “insert sport/activity here” Me

I that fall….I completed the first of my 5 full marathons.  And while I did not set any momental records or place with any significance that day, I cannot explain the emotions that came pouring out of me as I crossed the finish line that glorious October day.

What once seemed ridiculous became a reality and regular activity for me for the next decade.  Marathon running has taken me and my husband to many cities in the US (and Berlin in 2014), enabled me to inspire others to train for and complete many marathons on their own, and allowed me the privilege to fundraise & encourage others to do so for a favorite local charity.  Had I not started somewhere, and trusting in the process even though I wasn’t always certain of the destination, none of that would have happened.

And here is the biggest secret I want to share….the marathon itself is NOT the most important part of this story.  It isn’t the most important message of my story.  It is the challenge of the limiting belief: “I am not an athlete” that allowed me to more fully acutalize my human potential.  We are more than our beliefs.  We are more than our history.  We are more than the negative memories/concept of self we bring into our adulthood.  We are all so…. much….. more….

So what is your marathon? What are you dreaming of doing but allowing fear or self-doubt or limiting beliefs prevent you from taking the next step?  What are you waiting for to start?

 

It has been said having a goal without a plan is just a dream.  As humans, we have ready-made countless ways to procrastinate:  facebook, twitter, insert social media here, sleeping, etc….  Imagine what you could achieve if you started a daily ritual today and committed to a plan for your dream?

How do you do this?

• Daily ritual (small steps towards your “marathon”, daily)
• Accountability partner/s- someone/s whom you check in with regularly to support you in your process
• Positive messages in your periphery as much as possible (I can do this! messages on your mirror, on your phone, in your wallet, etc.)
• Dream of something that seems unattainable and try it anyway!  Who cares if you fail!  On one’s death-bed, I’m certain we may regret the things we did not do rather than the things we tried, even if we failed in our attempts.

Life is a journey worth LIVING.  Are you LIVING or merely EXISTING in yours?

Would love to hear about your own “marathons” & how you took the “impossible dream” into your reality.

Peace……..

 

 

 

Why an “attitude of gratitude” is garbage. Simple steps to making it your “practice.”

Several years ago, I started posting every day in November messages of gratitude.  While I am cognizant other people mostly see me as a positive person, and I’ve been referred to by clients as “little miss sunshine” and “hippie/peace-loving therapist”…. lovingly, I’m sure….. my outside persona has not and does not always fit what is stirring inside of me.  That scary, dark place as it has been referred to by a dear friend.  As life ebbs and flows, my mindset does as well.  And while I believe this is part of the human condition, I also know from decades of clinical practice, we cling much more readily to negativity than we do to positivity, or in this specific example of humanity, gratitude.

When I started this practice, I was at a crossroads, a tipping point, a shift where I was almost buying into the belief system that I needed to be happy in order to feel grateful.  Sure, on Thanksgiving, like the rest of the US population, and in my prayers, I  would be able to conger up a few ancillary items for which I was thankful, but was I really a grateful person?  Really?  Was I a fake?

More concerning with this logic is the flawed sense of permission I was giving myself to not be grateful because I wasn’t happy and my life as it wasn’t filled with the commercialized ideal of happiness I was inundated with no matter how much I tried to resist it.  You know the list….. I’ll be happy when:

• I have a bigger house
• I have more money
• I lose weight
• I can fit into that “insert item”
• I can run a “x” minute mile
• I have …….
• I am …….
• I ……..

Truth is….none of that is necessary for gratitude, which authentically sets the framework for a happy life.  None of it is necessary.  When we are aiming for happiness in the superficial, we are in essence building our home on quicksand.  Happiness is fleeting.  It is here for a moment, and then gone.  But gratitude, being thankful for the gifts of life- the true gifts of being in a beautiful moment in time, and expressing our gratitude and kindness towards others, that is sustainable and real and genuine.

While November is my outward example and reminder to show others the practice, it is truly something that I practice the entire year.  Yes!  Gratitude is important beyond the month also known as “Thanksgiving” or that other holiday that seems to be forgotten before Christmas or Hanukkah.  Who knew?

So how does one cultivate this practice?  Truly it is a practice.

My conversation in my head looks like this:  I’ll be happy when…

• I have a bigger house.  Auto Correct:  I am GRATEFUL for having a roof over my head, and for the knowledge that it is by grace that I don’t know homelessness or despair.
• I have more money.  Auto Correct:  I am GRATEFUL for having enough, and for the knowledge that money does not buy me happiness.  Some of the greatest joy I haven known, have cost me exactly $0.  Hearing beautiful music, walking in the forest, feeling the sunshine on my skin, and looking into the eyes of my children…. bliss.  More money, begets more things and more things create clutter in my already very active brain and life.  I have enough, and I am grateful.
• I lose weight.  Auto Correct:  I am GRATEFUL I have enough food to eat, and have never known hunger.  And although I am not at the point where it doesn’t affect me at all, I am practicing saying I am enough, exactly at the weight I am.  I am strong.  I eat healthy.  And one day I will wholeheartedly believe those words.  And continue to work on refusing to define my worthiness by what the scale reads.  Ugh.  This one is hard.  It’s a work in progress.  But I refuse to define my worth by what numbers I read on the scale.  I am enough.  I am grateful.
• I fit into that “insert item.”  Auto Correct:  Yoga pants, bikini, fitted dress.  I have a laundry list.  I am GRATEFUL I have acquired a variety of sizes in my life, and have the ability to donate clothes that no longer fit my style (or yes, size) to others who can use them.  Yes.  I donated 3 bags filled!  I am grateful.
• I run “x” minute mile.  I am GRATEFUL for the 5 marathons and over a dozen half and other distances I have run.  I am grateful my body enabled me to get to the finish line, and my brain stayed with my body when I wanted to quit.  I no longer assess my self-worth by whether I run a 10 minute or longer mile vs a 8 minute mile.  I spent years really thinking if I ran faster, somehow it would change my life. Truth, NO ONE CARES.   So why did I spend so much time focusing on it?
• I have….. For me material goods have never been a huge motivator in my life.  And I am GRATEFUL!  It isn’t so much of a mind shift as an acknowledgment that it’s ok that I don’t subscribe to the consumerism that our culture promotes.  I don’t know the trendiest purses, or make up lines, or shoes, or….. and for some time I thought there was something wrong we me, what female in our culture doesn’t know all of that stuff?  Me. I am GRATEFUL, for ignorance in this….
• I am…. enough.  I am GRATEFUL, while there is still so much I want to learn and experience and become, today I am grateful I am enough.  Exactly the way I am, I am enough.
• I …..am GRATEFUL.  For the blessings in my life.  Both answered and unanswered prayers.  Often really for the unanswered ones, I’ve learned the most.  For quiet moments when my mind is still.  For seeing the beauty in the simple – and content in pure moments of peace.  For not always getting my way, and for learning to voice my opinion when it really matters, and learn to compromise when it’s necessary or needed or I must.  For sharing in the struggle and the progress of so many trusting clients…. for being in their sacred space.  For the love my family shows me, and for my learning to allow my faults to be seen (often in a public forum!) and the confidence to no longer be consumed with presenting an image that is acceptable to others….for learning to just be myself.  I am GRATEFUL for the work I’ve done and the work that remains….as there is still life to be LIVED!

Phew…see….. easy.  We can all stay “stuck” in the search for happiness….. but I challenge you, look inside….spend some moments, daily….looking around for all that you have to be grateful for in your life.

If you are reading this blog, if you have a laptop or desktop, if you have a roof over your head, ate too much, too warm…. you have much to be GRATEFUL for tonight.

Peace…. and all the best on your journey of practicing gratitude….

An open letter on Gun Control

Are you a gun owner?  This blog might make you angry and for the first time in a long time, I really don’t care who I offend.  The truth is I have been silent for far too long, so many of us have been, and sitting in complacency allows bad things-tragedies-horrors-mass murders to continue to happen in our world.

Sunday night, my family watched a Netflix documentary on the Boston Marathon Bombing.  It was emotional, seemingly more so than I had anticipated.  My husband & I have both run multiple marathons, and he has run Boston 2x.  That year, he didn’t.  My best friend did, however & I was terrified.  Watchign the video from that day brought it all back, and I thank God every day that my family was ok, and my best frined was not injured or killed.  Others…. were not so lucky/blessed.  I remember going to bed Sunday night thinking, Thank God nothing like this has happened in a while (as I write that, I am totally aware having a standard of “in awhile” is absolutely pathetic and intolerable and unacceptable but that is what went through my mind, that is where we are as a world) …. and then Monday morning I woke up with a text saying “did you hear about Vegas?”

What is going on? 

Are you a gun owner?  Why do you own them?  Do you hunt?  Do you need multiple guns to do that?  Do you need 1000s of rounds of ammo to do hunt?  Do you need semi automatic weapons to hunt?  What is it with the guns that you are willing to allow this to continue for your “right” to “own guns”?  I don’t understand and really, am trying to do so….

It isn’t enough to get involved when you are actually personally affected by violence anymore.  We are ALL affected.  If you go to concerts, church, cafe, clubs, marathons, peaceful protests, school….as I have done ALL of them too…we are all affected.  Vegas.  I could’ve been one in that crowd.  My kids could’ve.  It could’ve been YOU.  Or your kids.  Or your wife or husband or daughter or son or parent or….. is that when you STEP UP?

I cannot imagine this was our Founding Father’s vision when they developed the 2nd Amendment Right to Bare Arms.

How does one manage to purchase 1000s of rounds of ammo?  Was it to absolutely eliminate the “herd” somehow, because that is actually what it appeared he was doing.  Those poor people were all sitting ducks- no possible way to defend themselves.  No idea that going to a concert was going to end their life….. And Why is it necessary to have multiple guns?  Do you just look at them in wonder of their “beauty”?  Please help me, and even more so those who were actually affected personally by gun violence to understand why this is necessary.  Why are we not all – every single one of us in America- shouting from our roof tops DEMANDING reform so this doesn’t happen tomorrow or the next day or the next day?  When are we going to stand up and look at this and say It’s Enough?

I’m one mom of two teenagers, who is terrified for their future.  Why do we live here?  It’s scary to think doing day to day things is now a serious question of “is it really worth it to go to a concert, because I may not come back home tonight…..”

My greatest fear is this will once again just be another “mass murder” and nothing, nothing will change because the NRA and gun lobbyist are too influential and in the pockets of our governmental officials, and we as the PEOPLE of this beautiful nation are allowing this to continue.  We are standing up!  We are absolutely demanding that something MORE be done!

It is NOT ok to wait until you are personally affected to say enough is enough…..Vegas….could’ve been me and it could’ve been you or someone you love, so when are you going to say, enough is enough?

I welcome comments.  Please by both sides, help me to understand why owning semi-automatic weapons is necessary and is it important enough for you knowing that others can also obtain them who “might” act this way in the future….. and for those of you who are feeling similar to me, how to we rally up and do something?  Our future generations need us to find a way to make the change…..

If not now…then when?

Peace……

4 Bags. Taking up Too Much Space in My Mind (and Closet)

4 bags.  I went through my closet yesterday and released myself of 4 bags of clothes, belts, purses, and shoes cluttering up my closet, and my mind.  4!

If you were to look into your closet, drawers, plastic bins or under the bed storage containers, how many jeans, dresses, skirts, shirts, belts…. how many things are you holding on to for the “one day this might fit” or the “one day I might have a use for this” occurrence?

As women, how many of us struggle with disconnecting our self-worth with the size of our clothing or the number on the scale?  So how is seeing clothes that do not fit any longer on a daily basis helpful in making this disconnection?

I have played this game for years.  I have moved clothes back & forth as seasons have changed, and brought the same clothes up/down stairs or moved from closet to closet, thinking one day I will fit back into those amazing pair of Ann Taylor dress pants or the Elie Tahari dress I bought for a charity event at my work over a decade ago.  I held on to them because they’re “classics” and I am charmed by the “what if I eventually lose the weight I want to lose”…then I will be able to wear these items again.  That mind-set isn’t helpful & doesn’t serve me anymore.

The truth is this.  As much as I thought having the reminder of how lovely each of these items were, and seeing them in my closets, would help me to eventually “fit” back into them, it actually had the reverse impact and served as a constant reminder of how badly I was failing at losing the weight so I could wear these items of clothing again.  This game I played in my head almost served as a measuring stick for my happiness….if only, if only I could do more than squeeze back into these clothing items, then all would be peaceful & joyful in the world.  It has nothing to do with happiness…but it was a concept I was buying into for years.

So 4 bags.…Gone.  This is how I did it.

First….

(1) Does it currently fit?

If answer is no, then into a trash bag to be donated to charity it went.  No.  Further. Discussion.  None.

If yes, it went into a separate pile for next evaluation….

(2) If yes, does it?

Serve a purpose (like yoga or running clothes) or make me feel good when I’m wearing it?

If yes, then back into drawers or closet.

If the answer was “no”, then into a trash bag it went to be donated to charity it went.  No. further. Discussion.  None.

4 bags.  

My closet is sparse.  My drawers in my dresser are much more organized and spacious.   But most importantly and significant, the negative chatter that would often happen in my brain when I would stare into my closet was silent this morning.

I was texting a friend of mine about my plan the other day, and she said she did the same thing!  And to her surprise, she began to lose weight soon after.  Now, if that happens, AWESOME!  But if it doesn’t…. I still feel so much more at peace knowing I was able to donate 4 bags of clothing etc that no longer served me to charity so someone else may benefit, and I was not constantly being reminded of an arbitrary ideal that I was striving for that truly has NOTHING to do with how happy I am or how successful I am in life.

Today… I sat out in the sun and ordered a few more items to fill the void in my closet that actually will fit me and will fuel my confidence rather than undermine it.  Until there is a day when we walk into the doctor’s office & their first request (after insurance and ID) is “Can you step on the scale please” and clothing stores replace their “sizes” with things like:

 

It’s up to all of us to seek our self-worth beyond the number on the scale and the size printed on the back of our clothing items….

Peace…….

5 Simple steps to “unlearn” Body Shaming

In college I didn’t weigh myself and I didn’t own a scale.  My diet consisted of a bagel in the morning and a diet Dr Pepper, an Otis Spunkmeyer chocolate chip cookie for lunch and probably a diet Dr Pepper, and dinner was chicken and rice or pasta and possibly water (on a rare occasion I would eat a salad from the cafeteria but only if they had red peppers because I am slightly obsessed with them) and shock tarts candy late night at UDF run, and Milano’s turkey submarine sandwiches anytime I could afford them, and a minimum of 3 days a week I drank without any concern of calories or how many was too many.   I didn’t exercise regularly.  The only memory I have of doing so was this….

• Crammed in my sorority house living room, with my best friend, archaic tv set with a ….wait for it…VHS version of Cher’s aerobic tape.  Now…if you have never had the privilege of working out to Cher, let me say, it was by far the BEST time I have ever had working out.  Perhaps because it was utterly ridiculous to be watching her in I am not kidding….lingerie that was supposed to somehow be workout attire and her never ever even sweating as my best friend and I were about to pass out either from laughter or exhaustion……. but faithfully for what I am sure was only a few short weeks of cramming for bikini season in the annual Dayton to Daytona trip post graduation….we plopped in that VHS tape and did our best to work out so we could bare being in a bikini among our peers for a week straight.

Perhaps that started my own 2 decade + struggle with body shaming.

When I look back at the photos from that time period, I was fairly small.  I have no idea how much I weighed but I do know we all shared clothes and I always thought my friends were small, but I didn’t see myself that way.  Somehow I had convinced myself that my genetically inspired boobs were too big, or my I’m sure these are great “birthing” hips, were somehow “wrong”…..

Fast forward……20+ years later.  I own a scale and force myself to only weigh myself once a week.  I have been a vegetarian for 5+ years.  May be more…. I exercise daily.  Daily…and I do mean daily.  Over the past 10 years, I started running and have completed many races of distances from 5K- full marathons.  I walk my dog, aka Layla the Wonderdog at least 2x daily.  And 2 1/2 years ago I started practicing yoga and now do a minimum of 3 days a week.  And drinking?  Maybe 1 day a week and the caloric count and how am I feeling after drinking it is ever-present.

So the frustrating part of me, and something I want to share with others, is all awhile I am doing all of this, I still struggle not only with the probably 20+ lbs I have on me from college but the shame I feel about it.

• Shame for not being more disciplined in my eating/exercising.
• Shame for not weighing less.
• Shame for caring that I don’t weigh less.
• Shame for measuring myself against others.
• Shame for making excuses on days I really really really need sleep vs getting up early to exercise.
• Shame for somehow thinking my self-worth is connected to the number on the scale or the arbitrary size some dress manufacture put in my dress.
• Shame for ……… fill in the blank.

As I am putting the final pieces together to launch my (thankfully already piloted) online consulting/therapeutic business (strong peaceful women), I am forced to not only look at what road blocks have presented themselves in the path to its launch, but also how am I living what I preach to others.

Ugh……

It isn’t just that my weight is up, and my exercise has been sporadic over the past few weeks, it’s that I don’t feel well.  My piriformis syndrome that I manage through yoga and exercise is aggravated.  My eating, because of my increasingly busy schedule, is not planned out and regular in times and content.  And the “oh it’s summer and the 27th graduation party of the season, sure why don’t I have another beer” has happened.  Period.

And I sooooo want to be the embodiment of what I teach (and sometimes preach) to others….alas I am just like the rest of the world doing my best with what I have each day.  In yoga, yet again, I was reminded of the journey…not the destination….of peace. Even though I know it isn’t a “place”, and I teach others this concept, I forget sometimes.

So this is certainly not an exhaustive list but here is my version of steps to start “unlearning” body shaming behavior…..

• Focus on what your body can do, versus what it cannot.  Can you walk? AWESOME!  Practice gratitude and start (and may be stay!) there.
• Treat yourself for positive behavior changes with positive rewards.  Work out consistently for 2 weeks in a row.  Buy a new workout tank to show off your ever- toning arms of steel.  Or a pedicure to soothe your strong amazing feet!
• Be realistic with your workout, eating, drinking, life goals and make small consistent changes over time.  It is the best way to make life-long changes.
• Stop trying to be someone else.  You have ONE body- focus on learning to love (or at least appreciate) the body you live in each day/night.
• Look at yourself in the mirror each day and repeat these words……I am perfectly imperfect and beautiful in my imperfections.  

It is a journey.  I live it each day.  Somedays I am rocking it- I am eating well and working out and practicing deep breathing when my stress increases and sleeping well and helping others and going to church or walking in nature or …..practicing what I preach.  And truly, my lesson to teach others is just like you, I have to work at it.  If I had a magic wand or pixie dust to sprinkle over the world for help people find inner peace and happiness I would but….

What I have is my conceptual program of combining body, mind, spirit and service to find inner peace and happiness…and even I need to be reminded of it from time to time.

Hope for at least one person living with “body shaming”…this helped you to know you are not alone….

Peace….

 

Giving up Dieting.

My strength is my weakness.  My weakness is my strength.  

I cannot remember a day when I didn’t think about my weight, about what I was eating, or shouldn’t be eating, or drinking….about what others thought of me.  It has become so much a part of who I am, I sometimes forget that others may not share this self destructive practice.  Though it is significantly less an issue than it was when I was younger, it persists.

I remember years ago suggesting to others whom I worked with who’re diagnosed with cancer, and more recently to clients dealing with anxiety and depression, to try yoga and explained the benefits.  I. Had. No. Idea.  None!  

I spent the past 10 years running, only.  Running was a way for me to work through my body image issues, focusing on what I could do rather than my limitations.  It has been transformative.  As my chronic pain condition got worse, and forced me to re-evaluate my long distance running….I searched for another outlet.  One door closes….one opens.  I found yoga 2 years ago….and a fight for my time and attention between the two has ensued ever since.

This weekend.  Packed in like sardines in this warm, energetic space with 40+ others… different genders, different races, different ….well different in many ways…. listening to our teacher instruct not only the poses but giving us thoughts to ponder as we hold Warrior 1 or Warrior 2 or Downdog or Eagle….

I become inspired.  A new level of letting go, I can feel it beginning…..

Midway through class, the words I remember were more about the unity of our human experience than our differences.  Though we may all “look” different, the human condition is alarmingly similar.  While we may think we are “the only person in the world struggling with ‘X’ issue” (I know,for I hear clients utter these exact words on a daily basis in clinical practice), we have far more in common with one another than we do differ as people.

For a few brief moments, I was no longer the creeping up on middle age woman who has struggled with her own self image her entire life, rather I am this collective body of strong, focused, struggling, vulnerable, giddy, grimacing, flawed and perfect people….Wow.  Powerful.  Another layer of my life long struggle with body acceptance is slothing off as gently as the beads of sweat pour off my face.

Class ended with this amazing song.  Tears welled up in my eyes…..

Epiphany! 

What if I am exactly who I am to be right in this very moment?  

In that moment, clearly I could feel this desire to stop dieting, stop obsessing, stop over analyzing my mistakes and just being uniquely and commonly me.

My strength is my weakness.  My weakness is my strength.  It/they are who I am and who we all are.  Strengths and weaknesses are the common bond that makes us uniquely human, and maybe not even unique at all.  And may be it was necessary all along for me to have the weakness, so that I could be humble & compassionate and help others.  And truly, I know there is NO DOUBT that is my strength.  To help others.  Being vulnerable, sharing my own struggles in life no longer scares me for I know I am, you are, we all are flawed yet perfect.

This weekend in yoga, I got it….and the struggle I’ve carried with me from house to house, city to city, relationship to relationship, job to job…..no longer had a place in my life.  No longer had control over me.  Freeing, right?

Because I know years of allowing myself to succcumd to these negative thoughts will not fade away forever without effort on my part to reframe and reshape them, my plan is not NOT DIET, ….exercise daily, eat healthfully daily, meditate/pray daily, practice acts of service/regularly, develop a healthier sense of self…….continuing on my journey to a stronger, more peaceful sense of self…..won’t you join me?

http://www.strongpeacefulwomen.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

2016- Make Resolutions that MATTER

Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.

Saint Francis de Sales

I’m sick.  Throughout all of the Christmas celebrating this year and now into the New Year, I’ve been sick.  Not with anything earth shattering or noteworthy, but enough to elicit the question from family members and friends as to what’s going on that I’m “sick again”…..and enough to force to to reflect as to what is going on internally that I’m not able to bounce back and recover as quickly as I have in the past.

I know what happened.  In addition to all the working, baking, cooking, cleaning, wrapping, coordinating, card swapping, decorating, etc that comes with the holiday season…..my world around me has been off kilter with worry of my cousin’s health, worry of conflicts with my extended family, new revelations in my extended family and the wonderful and unknown changes forthcoming, renovating/expanding our home, and milestones presented to our family in 2016 with our first son graduating and going off to college.

Ok….most of the list is normal, right?  Right of passages, normal family drama/stress.  Difference for me this year, I think I forgot how to honor all of it and allow myself to feel all of it quietly and process it.  Rather, I began to feel myself overwhelmed and pushed it all down and subconsciously made the decision I’d deal with it all at a more convenient time.

Our minds/bodies do not work that way.  Whether we want to deal with something/s or not, internally we are still processing the information.  If we don’t allow outlets or methods for our minds/bodies to process the information, the result can be just what I’m experiencing over the past few weeks, or worse…..which is where I fortunately woke up and realized I need to walk the walk and talk the talk and process in meaningful ways in 2016 so I don’t continue on the merry-go-round to nowhere that I typically prefer to avoid.

• New Year’s Day, instead of stating you are going on a diet to regain your “pre baby” or “fighting” weight…..try making healthy food choices DAILY that actually  resemble whole foods in their natural state.  By eating foods in the form that nature intended, over time YOU WILL lose weight, and not only will you feel better, you will maintain it by making small, consistent changes over time.
• New Year’s Day, instead of making the decision to start going to the gym every single day, working out for at least an hour only skipping for a death in the family or a national crisis…..try making the decision to be active every single day in some form and find an exercise you LOVE.  Studies show people are more likely to exercise when people find something they enjoy doing.  So walk, run, practice yoga….but whatever you do, find something you ENJOY!
• New Year’s Day, instead of complaining that your life isn’t how you want it to be, make a conscious decision to plan for 2016 to be different,and in what ways.

Client walks into my office last week.  Plops down on the couch and begins discussion, much the way it has been over past year…..lamenting over not having a girlfriend, not feeling good enough…when I asked him how long he thought he had been seeing me….this is how the conversation went….more of less….

“So ‘Mark’, we’ve been meeting for awhile now and the concerns you’ve been talking about have been the same each time we meet.  Any idea how long we’ve been meeting?”

“um, I don’t know…maybe 6 months or so?”

“Actually….it was one year ago last week.”

Silence………….for awhile……….

“what do you think about the fact that we’ve been meeting a year, about the same stuff?”

Quiet…..”I don’t want to be talking about this same stuff in another year.”

“Ok…..well then you need to make a plan to do things differently in 2016 if you want your life to be different.”

SIMPLE. RIGHT?

Truth is, most of us WANT our life to be different, but do very little to make a plan for it to be otherwise.

1. Want to spend time every day meditating?  You actually HAVE TO SIT DOWN AND MEDITATE.  You don’t get points in life for just having the desire.
2. Want to start a new business or change jobs?  You actually HAVE TO SIT DOWN AND MAKE A PLAN AND WORK THE PLAN. You don’t get points in life for having fleeting thoughts or unfinished work on your plan.
3. Want to focus on exercise and food and a lifestyle that you feel good in living?  You actually HAVE TO SIT DOWN AND DECIDE WHAT CHANGES YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE AND MAKE THEM. You don’t get points in life for mere intentions.
4. Want to make a real difference in the world?  You actually HAVE TO CHOOSE A CHARITY (OR A FEW) TO COMMIT TIME/ENERGY/MONEY/TALENTS TO AND START TODAY! You don’t get points in life for just re-posting someone else’s “go fund me” page.
5. Want to connect to your “higher power?” You actually HAVE TO COMMIT TO FINDING A COMMUNITY & ATTEND SERVICES/STUDIES/MASS/TEMPLE/ETC.  You don’t get points for just thinking about wanting to commit to a more spiritual life.

People who are happy in life aren’t happy by chance.  Happiness is a choice.  Decide, TODAY, you want to live a happy life and make resolutions that MATTER, supporting YOUR envisioned life.

 

 

So perhaps instead of spending the entire day or weekend watching football games of teams from schools you didn’t attend or have zero vested interest in whether they win/lose (unless you truly enjoy doing all weekend long), you might decide to spend sometime planning your 2016 with doable, achievable, measurable steps towards a life truly worth living, filled with small, attainable or perhaps even large, stretch resolutions that truly MATTER! Not only to you, but to those who surround the world around you.

Peace and happy New Year to all who this post may find.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We are all different: We are all the same

(click on above video, to view song)

We are all different, yet we are all the same.

My new business launched last week.  Strong Peaceful Women.  (www.strongpeacefulwomen.com)

I was hoping to have 8 women join to pilot the program.  I was astonished when I realized the ever-growing list blossomed to 25 courageous women, from all over the country, all wanting to learn more about my philosophy of combining mind, body, spirit and service for overall peace and happiness.  Huge honor.  Huge responsibility.

Quickly I have learned, their stories are MY story.  Their stories are YOUR stories.  For we are all different, yet all the same.  We all long for acceptance, we all long for love, we all long for peace, we all long for happiness.  Each with our unique challenges, but challenges we all face nonetheless.

I’m on a huge Kacey Musgraves kick, and found this song that spoke to me in each of our journeys towards finding love (which by the way….always, always, always, always needs to come from within before we are ever open to finding true love in another) and finding peace.

For over a decade, I worked in community.  I facilitated groups, I volunteered on fundraising committees, I corralled runners to join the “Gilda’s Runners” team and train to run a half or a full marathon…..all done in community.  I quickly learned the power of community.  Not in the common concept of “it takes a village”, yet not dislike it either.  It is in community where we realize….hey, others are struggling in this thing called life too.  I don’t need to struggle alone, and perhaps in having others along on the journey with me, I will find strength and courage in whatever I am facing in life.

But let us not forget, community is stronger when we become strong individually.  When we learn to love ourselves not DESPITE our flaws, but WITH our flaws.

“……We’re all hoping and we’re hopeless.  We’re all thorns and we’re all roses.  We’re all looking down our noses at ourselves. We’re all flawed & we’re all perfect.  We’re all lost and we’re all hurting….”

YES!

May be if we spent more time opening up to others about our REAL life, struggles and all, instead of posting on Facebook or Instagram or …… the life we WANT others to think we are living, we’d find a way towards loving ourselves just a little bit more, knowing we are all different, yet the same in this journey called life.

Love this one so much…think I’ll just end with that as my final thought today.

Peace…….

Getting to “shouldn’t.” A runners story of finding peace…. in the journey…..

Last year at this time I was training for the Berlin Marathon.  I felt like I was managing my chronic pain issue (piriformis syndrome) & on target to run my first “world major.” I finished….but was in excruciating pain, and exceedingly slow.

Shortly after, I vowed I would never run another marathon.  I liked the ring of “5” done.  I dropped down to running half marathons, after all, that seemed much more manageable.

Last week I was told I cannot run at all.  Nothing.  Not even a 5k. Gasp.  At least for now….. The conversation at my new Chiropractors’s office (where I’m receiving Active Release, Dry Needling and some sort of ultrasound wave therapy treatment thing) went like this….

“So…..I have this half marathon next month….” to which she responded “Um, no you don’t.” And I said “Um, yes I do….” and she said “Um, no you don’t.”

She proceeded to talk rationally (can you imagine?) about the repeated damage I’m doing by running through my injury, and for the first time in nearly 7 years….

Wait….let that sink in….7 years I’ve run through 4 full marathons and probably 10-12 half marathons and various other distance races…..in pain! And not the kind of pain you get at like mile 23 (EVERYONE gets something there)…NO! the kind of pain that, for instance, in Berlin started within the first mile……THE.  FIRST.  MILE.  I’m stubborn.  And I know, like so many humans, we are capable of enduring great pains, struggles, and heartache.

It never occurred to me that in asking my body to endure the pain, I was in essence creating more pain which has now left me with not only piriformis syndrome, but basically messed up my right knee, hip flexor, and hamstring.  What?  It never occurred to me that my adopting this “I need to suck it up and endure the pain”, I was actually creating more pain and weakness within my body.

So how do we sift through our experiences in life and the emotions that surface to best determine when we “shouldn’t” do something, even if we “can?” 

I can run another marathon, I have proven repeatedly (unfortunately) I can run through pain.  But should I? Would it be better for me/my body to consider a half marathon?  A 10K? Or running just for fun? Is it all or nothing?  I do not know…..As the doctor told me, I am following her therapy plan and taking time off from running in “hopes” that I’ll be running again.  Right now, I am trying to be at peace with the today….and this part of the journey.

In clinical practice, this translates to the following examples.

• “Sarah” could continue to drink….but at the expense of her health, her job, her relationships, her overall wellbeing. So “should” she?
• “Hope” could stay in her marriage, but at the risk of continuing to endure abuse (or worse) and continuing to provide the example of a very dysfunctional/abusive coupled relationship for her child. So “should” she?

At some point, we need to listen to our bodies, or instincts, or our inner guide and decide if what we are doing is guiding us to something better, or if continuing to stay with something just because we “can” is leading us towards further harm and injury. While the above are extreme examples, sometimes the most difficult decisions are the ones we desperately don’t want to make.  The all or nothing.

Human beings are capable of enduring amazingly difficult experiences in life: childbirth, grief, medically necessary treatment….. but the stark difference surfaces when we are enduring because we don’t know another way vs. there isn’t another way.  

Now….. the “way” that has presented to me currently is doing anything I want, except running.   For now.  My challenge is to decide if I want to continue to just endure and gut it out and suffer through the pain, or find peace in believing there is perhaps a better way?

“Sarah”….. the “way” that has been presented to her is to attend AA regularly, and abstain from drinking.  Her challenge is to decide if she would want to continue to put her life at risk for the momentary escape that alcohol offers, or to find peace in believing therapy, and AA and sobriety offer a better way?

“Hope”….the way that has been presented to her is to make the very difficult decision to leave an abusive relationship.  Her challenge is to decide if she wants to stay married in hopes her husband who has shown no signs of changing and risk further abuse or possible death, or find peace in knowing choosing to leave quite often is a better way.  No question.  

Today….I walk with frustration.  I do prescribed exercises with incredible discomfort.  I bike with ambivalence.  And I practice yoga with patience and gratitude.  They are not my end point.  Nor is running, surprisingly.  Peace…..peace is my end point in my journey…..and in finding peace, and being ok with the sweet ambivalence of life, there I will find healing and grace…….(and oh how I hope that space includes running…..)

Being BRAVE means deciding when you shouldn’t, and when you should.  And never ever confusing the two.

Peace…..

Want to join the Strong Peaceful Women movement?

“You always seem so calm and peaceful”…… has been said to me more times than I can count.  As wonderful as the compliment is to hear, the story of my journey to me has always been more important to than my destination.

While it would be easy to just believe I am “always calm and peaceful” or “little Miss Mary Sunshine” as I’ve been called by a client, I can assure you my inner struggle is filled with as much thunder and rain as rainbows and butterflies.  At some point some years back, I decided I needed to find a different path to peace and happiness and stop allowing the outside noise to clutter my inner symphony longing to be heard.  I couldn’t control the chaos that surrounded me (and still does) but I certainly could control the manner in which I chose to respond to it.

Dissatisfied with what I had experienced as a way to find “inner peace & happiness”, I decided to combine both what I learned in my psychology and social work programs, with what I intuitively knew made sense to me.  Ok, it wasn’t that simple…there was some trial and errors along the way…..but want to know what I eventually did find?

Peace and happiness were in my journey….one that combined aspects of mind, body, spirit AND service.  I already had the tools, in my control, I just needed to learn how to use them.

By combining the ability to positively affect the messages we receive and play out in our mind, utilizing running as a positive release for stress in my life, learning the benefits not only of strengthening my spiritual life through traditional religious practice but adding the practice of yoga and meditation AND continuing my active commitment to community service……I have found an effective and innovative way for LIFE LONG peace and happiness.

Really? 

Yes!

Now…..those close in my life would argue I am not sunshine and smiley faces ALL THE TIME…..but I do believe I actively work to make this my default position no matter what is going on in my life.

So are you intrigued?  Do you want to find another way towards inner peace and happiness?

You’re in luck!

I’m piloting a new program for free.  For what?  FREE!  If interested, the commitment is as follows.

• Commitment to weekly support group- via phone.  So if you were going to say “distance” was your excuse…… stop it!
• Commitment to start running or step up your running.  Beginners and casual runners preferred.  So if you were going to say “I’ve never really been a runner” as your excuse…stop it!
• Commitment to regular practice of yoga and/or meditation (in addition to your religious practice of choice, if you have a preference).  Beginners welcome.  So if you were going to say “I have never done yoga or my mind is too active to do meditation”….stop it!
• Commitment to weekly community service of some sort.  We will discuss simple and effective ways to get involved in your community.  If you were going to say “I don’t have time”…..we all have the same number of hours in a day, week, year…..so stop it!

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Albert Einstein

Do you want to find a way to change your life?  To change your path?  To find a new direction?  To live the life you know deep down inside you are longing to lead? 

Then message me and join the movement!

Peace……and happiness……always……

The Journey to the “Big 10~ 10k” is my “message”

Why does running the Berlin marathon one year to haphazardly training for the Big 10~ 10K in less than a year seem like the later is even more challenging?

A simple explanation would be piriformis syndrome. (though I’m not sure that’s the entire story….)

Living with chronic pain for nearly a decade has become commonplace.  And when asked how I continue to not only deal with the pain issues, but how i manage to continue to run. My answer is easy…..

Stubborn.

I started running when I was in my mid 30s, mostly to reduce stress and be a better mom, wife, social worker, daughter, friend…….etc.  In my running, I found peace.

I started running marathons for entirely different reasons.  Selfish ones.  For once, I wanted to feel what it was like to be an athlete.  I wanted to know what my peers had felt growing up, being recognized for their accomplishments and feeling proud.

Running my first marathon in 2006, I felt amazing!  Accomplishing something that less than 1% of the world’s population does made me feel strong- powerful- beautiful.

Beautiful?  Yes.  I finished my first marathon to “Beautiful” by Christina Aguillera.  Wanted to finish to “Gonna Fly Now” aka the Rocky Theme, but alas….I was slower than anticipated.

Slower….it seems so relative now but at the time I had this arbitrary time set in my mind that a marathon runner “should” finish his or her race.  Since then, I’ve not even come close to hitting my goals.

Taking a step back from marathon running feels like I’m quitting.  As if I am abandoning all my goals and giving up. Sure…I can still run, yes, I have pain, but my drive to run another marathon seems to be fleeting. How can I still call myself a “runner” if I can’t run marathons?

Fast forward……… in yoga class today,  listening to the beautiful and eloquent yoga teacher talk about “messages” yoga teachers send to students and messages we give ourselves, I practiced quietly and remained focused on the “message” of the day (ironically on the concept of “message”) and repeatedly reminded myself to let go of my expectations and just be…..I struggled.  And for a significant portion of class was close to having tears streaming down my face.  And in some strange way, it’s exactly what I needed.

I should back up…..I LOVE yoga.  And I HATE yoga.  Much like running, it’s a reminder to me of my inadequacies and challenges, and yet it teaches me patience and acceptance.  The yin and yang of life.

I want so badly to be a fast runner….instead I’m a runner plagued by injury and probably too many lbs. to be ‘fast.’  However, over the nearly decade now I’ve been running….I’ve inspired many to run and raised awareness and money for charity, so perhaps the “message” all along I was to understand was of the importance of giving to others.

I want so badly to learn how to do the perfect handstand and slim down to a waify-yoga like body (yes….we all know what a “waify-yoga like body” looks like) instantly!  Nearly 2 years into practice, I confront my fears of inversions each time I practice, and although I have built muscle where running alone did not provide, I am FAR from waify-like and still shutter each time I hear one of my beloved teachers say “let’s practice (insert inversion).” But each class….I hear a reinforced message of being in the moment and continuing to try to find peace with myself.  Perhaps that’s the message I was to learn, and to share with others.

Life is like that……wanting desperately for one thing and getting something entirely different.  Trying to control the outcome, and missing the entire journey. I LOVE and HATE when that happens…..

So preparing for this week’s Big 10~ 10k, all lubed up with my latest concoction of essential oils called “pan away”, my newest model of Newton running shoes (also an effort to reduce the pain in my leg) and my desperate attempt to remember to charge my iPod shuffle in attempt to have something to distract me as I run the race on my own……my hope is that I remember this……feeling like this relatively short 10k will feel like a marathon this week.  Some events/races/life situations are that way, right?

And although I’d like to have that journey include getting a medal for my race accomplishments or practice the perfect handstand……. maybe that isn’t my journey today, and maybe that isn’t the message I’m supposed to be receiving or sending today? Maybe, perhaps…..I’m but a participant on this path I have yet to fully understand, but for now my only lesson is to trust, to persevere, and to find peace…….

Someone asked me after I wrote this original draft “why does it matter if I run anymore marathons” as I’ve run 5 already.  “Run” may be a relative term for some of my races, but….I digress…..

I was reminded of conversations I had with a friend/professor who was diagnosed with stage IV cancer, years ago.  It wasn’t so much the diagnosis that was troubling to him at the time, rather what it meant in his life.  This brilliant man, who not only had his PhD but decided to get his MSW to teach in the social work department on the university level, took much pride in his intellect and particular ability to understand and more importantly teach statistics to those of us who struggled with the subject.  He was PASSIONATE about statistics.  PASSIONATE about the capabilities his brain could comprehend.  And here I listened on the phone as the metastasis in his brain made it increasingly difficult for him to remember if he had taken his latest meds, or eaten earlier in the day.  The cancer was affecting what he loved to do most in life….and there as nothing he could do about it.

I’m in NO WAY comparing my pathetic little problems to my dear friend’s very real and fatal ones.  However, my comparison is in an effort to understand how a problem affects us sometimes is more troubling that the problem in an of itself.  So perhaps….our “message” is to be still…and listen to what the “problem” is our life is able to teach us.

“Peace is that state in which fear of any kind is unknown.”

~John Buchan

May you find peace today…and always….. and Go Green!

(for a day, I will be a Spartan.  My beloved UD flyers are not in the Big 10)

Forward is a Pace……

Slowly re-entering the world of racing, in a slow turtle-like pace, I completed my second 10K of this season this past weekend.  Beautiful homes and picturesque water views were eye candy the entire course.  Stunning!

Runners and walkers of all ages, all sizes, all athletic abilities shared one common goal: to finish their race.  Ceremonial motivational signs like “you all look like Kenyans to me” or “worst parade ever” dotted the course, along with the token “free beer” stand in front of a local’s home.  All offering a moment’s distraction from the sometimes mundane experience of running a road race.  While all of the above have been at dozens of races I’ve done in the past (with the exception of the physical landscape, it was among the best I’ve seen)……simply the best motivational symbol I saw was a woman, a mom, someone similar to my age, wearing a simple shirt with this slogan on it……

Forward is a Pace.  

Best.  Shirt.  Ever.

While many of us slower runners dream of one day being fast, or faster, or perhaps not so pathetically slow…..isn’t that really the point?  To keep moving forward, whether one is on a race course or in life…isn’t that the point? To keep moving forward……..

• How often in life do we get overwhelmed and stuck in place?
• How often do we compare ourselves to others and when feeling “less than”, cease trying?
• How often do we give up on starting something new, for fear of failure?

Regardless of the journey, running or in life (sometimes these may co-exist, in my life they often do), there is power in remembering to just keep moving forward….or as Dory suggests…

Often, it isn’t in destination that we grow or learn, but rather the experience or the journey.   When we are faced with challenges, how do we adapt?  How do we find the strength within to keep going?  Few things in life have so clearly shown this lesson as running has for me.  With injury, with pain, with frustration, with disappointment….somewhere I have found the strength to keep moving forward.  While there isn’t prize money or a medal awaiting me (ok, well there typically is a “finishers” medal for everyone who finishes a race), the real prize is knowing that no matter what….I didn’t give up.  I kept moving forward.

I remember the first time I ran a half marathon, my boys were 4 & 8 years old.  My younger son asked me if I won the race.  I said no.  Puzzled, he asked me why I had a medal around my neck.  Smiling, I explained all finishers of the race received a medal.

A few days later, my older son asked me why I would run a race knowing I’d never win.

I sat for a few moments and thought to myself (really….really….thought to myself why did I do it? ha.) and the answer I gave them was something like this…..

Winning had nothing to do with it for me.  I ran because I could run.  I ran because knowing I could finish something that was really hard helped me with more than just my running…… it helped me to know no matter what I faced in life, I could find the strength to keep moving forward.

Ok, ok, ok….they were young and I’m sure most of what I said went right over their heads, but when you have a therapist as a mom, you seldom get an easy, simple response.  Occupational/familial hazard.

8 years later, my understanding of why I run races, often with some sort of injury or pain, has much more to do with my ability to channel my inner strength into a goal I want out of than my actual pace or speed for which I will achieve it.  Running or in life.  In my mind, I know where I am going, it just might take me a little time to get there….PACE is irrelative.

So if I’m slow, and I finish, it is better than Did Not Finish, and that’s better than Did Not Start! (Running lingo….)

So no matter what you are facing this week….my simple thoughts emulate the immoral words of Dory….”just keep swimming” or just keep moving forward….no matter your Pace……

Peace….and Happy Running……or Walking…..or Crawling Forward……

My weakness is my strength………

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” Ernest Hemingway

Each day we are given a choice, not in what happens to us (sorry), rather how we will react to what happens. A choice.

Nearing the end of a my morning yoga session, we are directed to pigeon prep, preparing for pigeon pose.  What is “pigeon” pose?

For someone who is living with chronic piriformis syndrome pain, pigeon pose is a love/hate relationship.  “Love” because I believe it is helping to stretch the muscle and help to release the pressure that the muscle is sending to my sciatic nerve (eventually)…..”Hate” because it is painful.  Horribly awfully painful.  As one of my favorite and trusted teachers leaned over me to gently push me further into the pose, tears streamed down my face as I was both conscious of the pain that accompanies this pose and continuing the meditative state that allows me to hold the pose, even with the pain.  That was my choice.  I couldn’t choose whether it was painful, but I could choose my reaction to it and whether or not I was going to stay in the pose.

When I tell people I understand your pain, your frustration, your hopelessness, I really mean I understand! I live with pain, daily.  There are days sitting is difficult, there are nights sleeping is almost impossible.  There are days I think I’d rather sit on the sidelines (or couch)…..if that didn’t actually cause me to be in pain.

The pain is my weakness…..but it’s also my strength.

In the moment of our greatest weakness, it is our mind that takes over to help find the strength to move forward.  Mind and body, working together.  Mind strong when my body feels weak.  While we may not have control over the pain (literally or figuratively) in our life, we do have control how we react to it.

Although I hold out hope for one day finding a “cure” that would allow me to live pain-free, for now, I welcome yoga and running and biking and walking as ways to keep my body active and meditation and prayer as a way to keep my mind strong.  I control what I can (my strength) and what I can’t, I let go.  My weakness (pain) has made me realize I am much stronger than I ever thought I was capable of being.  The formerly weak image of myself who could barely run a city block “healthy” is the same person who ran the Berlin Marathon last fall, in pain.  If our mind can conceive it, we can achieve it.

So what’s your greatest weakness?  How can you use the power of your mind to transform your thoughts on your weakness & turn it into your greatest strength?

One final quote, from an interesting source……

Peace……..

Lost in my mind…….

Lost in my mind.  Ever since I was a little child, I have spent a lot of time alone in my thoughts.  A dear friend of mine has said, and I quote, “it’s a scary place, what goes on in your mind.”  I am amused.  I disagree, vehemently. As a shy child, I remember vividly spending hours with my beloved cat Riches.  Now my dear Riches was my original “wonder pet” who, even though a rough and tough male orange tabby, allowed me to dress him up in my doll clothes and push him in a doll buggy.  He must’ve loved me.  We would spend hours sitting in my window seat together, contemplating the great mysteries of the world. As an adult, though I am much less shy and prefer to reframe myself as an introvert who has learned the importance of public speaking and engaging in larger social situations as both a necessity in life and at times enjoyable, I still spend an inordinate amount of time in my own thoughts.  I am happy to report that I do. Spending time in my thoughts allows me to bring a clarity inaccessible to me during the chaos that is often my day. My thought, no pun intended, is this…..why don’t others?  How do others process life around them?  How do others reframe negativity into something positive? In clinical practice, I often assist clients in re-training their brains to stop negative thought processes and replace instead with positive thoughts and messages.  Depending on presenting issues/severity of problems and age of client, this can be a challenge, but possible for EVERYONE. “Watch your thsoughts. They become words. Watch your words. They become deeds. Watch your deeds. They become habits. Watch your habits. They become character. Character is everything.” credited to Ralph Waldo Emerson & Buddha.  (both….and several others, really…how do we not know whose quote this is?) If we don’t spend time thinking about our life, both the road behind us and the path in front of us, how do we truly understand the meaning of where we’ve been and the potential of where we are yet to go?  While our mind and thoughts are always with us, why do we spend so much time busying selves, almost to avoid having time alone with thoughts. Found this article, and was shocked by contents.

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/07/27/sunday-review/no-time-to-think.html

In 11 experiments involving more than 700 people, the majority of participants reported that they found it unpleasant to be alone in a room with their thoughts for just 6 to 15 minutes. WHAT??? 6 to 15 minutes is too much? 

My homework assignment for all who read this blog (just like my clients who often get homework) is to spend a few more moments in your thoughts.  No agenda.  No plan.  No necessary outcome. Just allow your thoughts to come. Ways to implement into your life daily:

• Start the day off with 5 minutes of silence.  Sit in darkness, take deep/cleansing breaths & allow the mind to think about the possibilities for the day ahead
• Practice putting devices away when not “needed” and allow mind to be quiet in thought
• Take walks in nature, with or without music, and really look at the beauty around you.
• Read inspirational/positive writings/quotes/muse and allow your mind to soak up positivity and expel negativity
• Go out for a run, participate in a yoga class, take a walk and spend time just allowing your thoughts to wander (sorry yoga teachers, sometimes my mind does wander in class) for a few uninterrupted moments
• Dream.  Wander.  Wonder.  Create.  Envision.
• And be still with thoughts.

Enjoy…………and have fun getting lost in your mind. Peace……

Arbritrary comparisons. A recipe for unhappiness.

This blog post has sat in my draft folder for almost a week…longer than any other blog since I started over a year ago.  Think there is some hidden meaning behind that.  Maybe comparisons are a bigger issue for me than I’m willing to admit to myself.  Recently, I had a discussion with someone about the surprisingly competitive spirit that resides in me, something that shocks me every time it surfaces.  Having not experienced it growing up in athletics, I somehow didn’t even recognize how it manifests in me in other ways.  Primarily with my expectations of myself, in some completely “arbitrary” ways that I impose solely on myself…..

Ever have the feeling you are less than others?  Where does that come from in our lives?  So many socially acceptable norms in society appear to be purely arbitrarily assigned, and without challenge we blindly accept these as if they’re the only ones to strive to obtain.

Who decided it was ideal for a man to be over 6 foot tall?  Unless you are a basketball player, really why does height matter?  Shouldn’t each of us celebrate our bodies, and be thankful for whatever human form we are given on this earth?

Who decided that women should be a size “whatever” (this is where it personally gets touchy with me) in order to be ideal or perfect or attractive or appealing to others?  Shouldn’t it be striving for “health” vs a size or starving ourselves to fit into the perfect pair of jeans?

Who decided this?

Who decided an US family” is 2 parents and 2.01 (how does one have .01 of a child anyway?)?  How did that become the ideal? Setting up those who are single parents, or childless, in a same-sex relationship, or have above 2.01 kids as being slightly out of the norm and therefore “less than” others in society?

Who decided getting a medical degree or a law degree was the pinnacle of intellectual achievement in our society? How did we decide that being creative or doing something that is off the traditional track were less valuable in our society?  Where would we be without art, and poetry, and chefs and bakers and all of those beautiful things that make our life more interesting while we’re trudging through out days?

So in yoga, I was thinking about all the ways I compare myself to others…

My Inversions in yoga.  My house. My weight.  My parenting.  My relationships.  My running.  I could go on…..

But in thinking of how arbitrary the comparisons we draw in life with others, I thought of things in this way….using the one part of me I am really proud of, my ability to reframe my thoughts to impact my mood and perceptions of the world around me.  ***see note later…..

• Maybe I can’t do inversions right now (mostly because of fear) but I really do a kick ass triangle pose!  And who says that isn’t as awesome as a killer handstand? Who decided that is the measure of a true yogi?  arbitrary.
• I see the flaws in my house.  It’s too small, my basement isn’t finished….the list is endless.  I see how it doesn’t work for my family as it grows with the friends around us and my kids wanting to have their friends over rather than get into trouble doing God knows what on the streets…wait…what am I complaining about again?  I am blessed.  Who decided a house needs to be “x” number square feet and have …….. ?  arbitrary.
• Maybe I am not the weight I want to be, but shouldn’t I be thankful that I have too much rather than wondering where my next meal is coming from for me or my family?  My body supported 2 children to birth, and I earned every stretch mark or permanent reminder of that gift.  I’m strong, and healthy….and if it really becomes something I want/need to change, then will I put my effort to do so. If I was born in the Renaissance era, I’d be a goddess. (I’m so kidding)  Who decided a woman’s body should look anyway other than the way it does?  arbitrary.
• My family isn’t how I would like it to be….sure, I wish I had the Norman Rockwell painting holidays, but if I focus on what was depicted in a painting rather than the beautiful people in my life, family and FRIENDS! than surely I am missing the beauty of the great tapestry of people in my life.  Who decided Norman Rockwell was the ideal anyway?  arbitrary.
• Running….while it would be amazing to at a minimum beat the elusive Oprah time in the marathon (4:29:20)…and I’m still questioning how she did so when my best is 4:46….and I would think I”m in better shape than she is…but that’s beside the point……I need to accept my legs are short.  I have chronic pain issues.  And I have a million other things going on in my life.  Maybe the fact that I can continue running for nearly or sometimes over 5 hours is more of an accomplishment than beating Oprah’s time.  Who decided this was the ideal?  arbitrary.

When I hear clients, or friends, or my children tell me the “can’t” change the way they see things in their life, and watch as the fixation sets in…I remind them we all face challenges.  We all have aspects of ourselves, our lives, our relationships, etc we wish were different.  But when we really look at those things we want to be different, maybe it’s important to ask ourselves this question……

Do we want “x” to be different because we don’t like it, or is it because we are comparing ourselves to others in some arbitrary manner that really has little to do with us, and much more to do with standards set by someone else.  In order to truly be happy….we must FIRST focus on ourselves…and OK…stop there.  Focus on YOU!  Happiness comes from within…only there will you ever find happiness……

****From above……scroll back up if you forgot what the *** was about….I work at this EVERY SINGLE DAY.  It doesn’t just happen.

“Nothing external to you has any power over you.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

It’s Me?

A little delayed but the post-marathon funk has arrived.

I thought for sure I’d avoid this one as I’ve told myself I’m making the decision to have my 5th marathon be my last.  After all, it was BERLIN!  Kinda hard to top that one, right?  But the funny thing is, it doesn’t “feel” like my choice and thus, the  “post marathon funk” has firmly taken hold and I’m trying to figure out what the next step is for me. Continued thought of who am I if I am not a marathon runner training for another marathon?

Little history, not only was I NOT an athlete growing up, other than my short stint as a cheerleader and wanna-be-tennis player, but I firmly held on to the belief that I wasn’t good enough to be an athlete.  I held tight to that belief in my early 20’s, and into my early 30’s.  I would randomly go to the gym, only for the reason of wanting to lose a few pounds probably avoiding a few nights at the bar would’ve more easily enabled me to do.  But….at some point, somewhere in the midst of my 30’s, I had this idea that I wanted to start running….. But this is what was in my head at first…..




All along, it was ME who was my worst enemy.  Yes. True!  While the negative messages that had been directed towards me through the years were still imbedded in my brain, it was ME who was choosing to accept those messages as truth.  I allowed them to become part of who I was, am.

All messages we are given when we are younger we carry with us into adulthood.  Positive and Negative. The negative ones, however, seem to reek havoc far beyond the original point of “hearing” and get stuck somewhere in the crevices of our brain.  It is the negative messages, often, preventing us from living the life we are truly meant to lead.

So was learning I am an athlete really all that important in the grand scheme of life.  Well, yes!

Pushing myself through training for my first half marathon, then first full marathon was a lesson of silencing the inner voice that told me I wasn’t fast enough, strong enough, or determined enough to run and finish a race.

Pushing myself through subsequent races (including my 5th full this fall), when I’m injured and in pain, showed me much more about the person I am; the strong, tenacious, determined & stubborn (oh, wait, I’ve LONG known I was this.  I’m Polish/German/Czech and a Taurus…what did anyone expect?) than any experiences that perhaps were easier for me.  I learned I have a great ability to SILENCE the inner voice that tells me I can’t do something.  Necessary for running a full marathon when you have a piriformis syndrome in your right leg and pulled a calf muscle 8 days before the marathon in your left leg.  Handy. I did it!

Overcoming struggles, hardships, and most importantly the inner demons or negative messages that float around in all of our heads is much more a testament to our individual ability to persevere and choose to be happy and peaceful and joyful than any sort of amazing gift.  Trust me, nothing is further from the truth for me…rather confirmation that we truly can SILENCE the inner voice in our head that tells us we aren’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough or …..enough………

So it is ME.  Who chooses to be happy, or not…..

I wish I had a clearer vision of where my journey is leading me.  If I am not a marathon runner training for another marathon, then who am I?  Maybe the lessons marathon running has taught me has started to prepare me for the next journey?  Is there a competitive yoga contest somewhere?

No matter where I go, no matter what I do, I am grateful I learned if I want peace, if I want happiness….. it’s truly up to ME.  Empowering!

A new fave quote…

“You couldn’t relive your life, skipping the awful parts, without losing what made it worthwhile.  You had to accept it as a whole- like the world, or the person you loved.” Stewart O’Nan

Peace…..

6 hours & 18 minutes. Pain & Determination. & Peace. What?

Have you ever trained for something, planned for something, and been through something before (4 times before, to be exact)….but still find yourself shocked when all the training, planning and previous experience does little to help you when you’re actually in the experience?

I trained for months for Berlin’s marathon.  I planned out my pace and my food/beverage intake for the race and what I was going to wear (yes, my “girlie-ness” wins over every time when I’m in races), and thought I had done whatever I could to “run” (purposely in quotes) a good race.

Nothing went as I had hoped.

I’m a slow marathon runner at best, but quickly into the race my left calf that I had hurt in a separate race a week prior had pain shooting down towards my foot.  In my head I thought, this isn’t good but I came all this way, I needed to gut it out.  I walked/ran for 13 miles until I could no longer run one more step….. and so there I was WALKING for an additional 13 miles.

I remember seeing a shirt or a sign one time that had the following on it…..

Finishing dead last is better than

DNF (did not finish) is better than

Never started…..

Unless you are an elite runner, whom I’ve learned often do pull out of a race if it isn’t “their day”…..I would think most of the rest of us who run marathons would concur with the above statement.  But when you are dealing with pain, and in my case chronic and severe, there needs to be something that goes on more in your mind than in your body to help you finish.

When the body wants to quit….the mind continues to push you towards finish…..

By focusing on the pain, it gives it all the control and takes out of consideration the great strength we as humans have to overcome pain for a greater outcome.  Take childbirth, many of us went through it, often without drugs, and were able to focus/meditate/power through or whatever we call it knowing we would have a child at the end to make all the suffering worth our while?  While admittedly not every form of pain/suffering results in something as awe-inspiring and perfect as a baby, and really how could anything measure up to that experience, but if we look closely enough at any of our painful situations in life, there is the ability for a greater outcome or growth or joy at the end.  But are we looking?  

A good friend of mine stayed with me for a good portion of the race, talking to me when I could barely muster a “uh-hun”, ran/walked helplessly aside me and I’m sure struggled on some level to watch me cry as the pain got worse.  My friend would’ve stayed by my side until the end had I not asked my friend to go ahead and run the race and I’d see my friend at the end…..had I not gone through what I did that day, perhaps I would’ve missed the lesson of the beauty of friendship and the compassion of the human spirit?  ABSOLUTELY YES, I would’ve rather not had pain, I would’ve rather run a PR (personal record) that day, and would’ve rather not ended my race with what I like to refer to as the “infirmed” group of runners….but that wasn’t how my day was to be?  So i can sit and stew about it until the end of time, or celebrate my determination, and the beauty in the lessons I learned that day.

• Pain, all pain, is temporary.
• Humans have a great capacity to tolerate and overcome pain.
• Asking for help, does not make us weak, it makes us human.
• Although we don’t always get what we want in life, most of the time we do get what we need, when we are brave enough to ask for it.
• Marathon running is not for the weak.  Whether you finish in just over 2 hours and 2 minutes like the “winner” that day (and new world record holder), or the very last person who was somewhere behind me that day (shocking, I know that someone was slower than me!)…..we all covered 26.2 miles and that is pretty darn amazing.

“A dream doesn’t become reality through magic, it takes sweat, determination and hard work.” Colin Powell.  

Love that quote.  My dream was to run a “major” ….(Boston, Berlin, London, Chicago, New York and now somehow Tokyo has been added to the list?), and I have now done that having Berlin be my 5th and final marathon.  It is really hard to write those words, “5th and final marathon”, as in a sense it’s an end of an era and if I am not “currently” a marathon runner, then what am I?  I guess that is what I am to find out now, in my next chapter…one that realizes I don’t have to suffer in pain to prove I can run a marathon anymore.  And with that realization, the greatest sense of peace has started to come over me and I find that the greatest lesson and gift of all from the pain I endured in Berlin.  So grateful for pain? In this case truly I can say, yes…I am.

Peace….

oops! Pre-mature………Blogging post

What did you think I meant?

I started a blog yesterday, and didn’t mean to publish as there was literally no content in it. I think I stared at the screen for so long I wasn’t sure what I wanted to write, so I shut the computer and gave up.  And then I found out I actually posted a blog, with no content.  Oops.

I’m having this internal battle in my mind lately:  what I want to do is fighting with the negative messages I have received in my life and for some reason haven’t completely found a way to dismiss.  It’s peculiar, isn’t it, how we hold on so tight to the negative messages we’ve been given in life, true or untrue (often untrue) yet we often have difficulty accepting genuine complements or praise.  Why does this happen? 

I’ve been working on this new “side” business idea.  Well, toying with the idea for MONTHS but feeling overwhelmed and unsure and fighting the fleeting thoughts of “who are you kidding” that come up when I feel like I”m ready to move forward.  Much to the chagrin of others around me, sometimes it takes me some time to allow my ideas to resonate, to take shape, before I can move forward.  Like the book I’ve also started to write, the idea of it has been marinating in my brain for years, and only recently have I had the courage to start interviewing people on “peace” and start the writing process.  

So when I hear clients, or family or friends, struggling and telling me they “can’t do something”….I not only want to cringe (I loathe that arrangement of words like few others in the English language) but I want to scream!  I was JUST LIKE YOU!  Many times in my life.  If I can do (said goal/etc), than anyone can do it!  I was an insecure, quiet kid without confidence to believe I could do many of the things I’ve done in my life.  Even though I am fairly confident now, there are times those features creep  back into my personality if I allow them the space to do so.  We all have a choice in life, allow others (i.e. messages or the senders of said messages) to dictate our paths in life, or decide for ourselves where happiness and fulfillment are found, and move forward.  

So it changed in me, when? 

I don’t know for sure, maybe it was when I started running?  When I could run further than a block? Or when I registered for a race?  Or when I crossed my first finish line? Or when I then decided to run a half, or full, or another or another?  I don’t mean to say that everyone should start running, although not so secretly I think the world would be a much happier place if more people started running (or exercising) more. Rather, it was the accomplishment of something/s the negative messages in my life had been telling me all along that I was not capable of doing.  And guess what, I’ve done far more than I ever thought I’d be able to do in my life, and should (and trying) to take pride in that.  

I had a similar conversation with my oldest son recently, encouraging him to take on a challenge of something bigger than he thinks he can accomplish, because deep within us, we all are so much more than we believe, capable of so much more than we think we can do, and so much stronger than we see ourselves as being.  

A friend of mine shared this post yesterday on Facebook, “Thought I would share the last few sentences from today’s reading in my daily devotional by Joyce Meyer.  It reminds me of my running days so —————- (insert my name) this might resonate with you especially.  When God tells us we can do something, we must believe that we can.  It is not by our own power or our might that we are able to do what He tells us to, but by His spirit working on the inside of us that we win the battle of unbelief.” Thank you, my friend, for sharing….. 

Wow.  I love that.  While she was speaking about from her own perspective, the powerful words are universal, and for me, yes me who is typically confident and focused and fairly self assured, yesterday…I needed to read those to remind me, while there are days I feel alone in my journey, with God and the wonderful people I have in my life supporting me on Earth and from  beyond, I am never alone.  

So today, may you set your sights on something you previously thought unattainable and consciously accept in your mind that you are capable of achieving even the most seemingly unattainable. 

Peace…..in your journey……

 

Another marathon, what? Berlin bound…… (soon)

Ever commit to something and wonder, am I really doing this?  Or more specifically for me, am I really doing this, again? And why am I doing this? 

7 weeks from today is the Berlin marathon.  

Exactly 2 minutes after I finished Marine Corps last year, I said the following to my husband “I am never running another marathon again…” That probably isn’t the best time to make a decision like that, I admit…

We arrived home, and within days, the “lottery” I entered to get into Berlin came through and SURPRISE! I got in! And well, I couldn’t say no.  

So….there are 5 world majors. Boston.  London.  Chicago.  New York.  and Berlin.  Ok, now there is Tokyo but apparently it’s because in Japan marathon runners are uber cool….which is sorta funny to me because my very close circle of friends are convinced we are among a very small minority who actually follows marathon runners/races.  So….saying “no” to Berlin, well, there was just no way that was happening. 

Preparing for my 5th full marathon, the fears and anxieties that I once had before a race are much more manageable.  I am no longer concerned that I will not finish, unless of course my piriformis syndrome (that I manage with yoga, acupuncture and my sheer stubborn will) acts up…I am pretty certain my mind will get me to the finish line when my body wants to stop.  However, I am no longer concerned that I will not finish.  Rather, I now deal with the mental part of “why do I run marathons”….entering my mind more than I can even report. Youtube search “I’m a marathon runner, I am injured” for another look at the funny video I included in past…..my friends and I laugh every time we think about it. 

So here is my latest list of “why I run”….in no apparent order and by no means complete…..because on some level, everything I do in my life has to make so sort of sense or I try to eliminate it, which I have been doing on a somewhat regular basis lately….beauty of being in 40s….realize you don’t “have to” do a lot of things in life we just do….

I run for….

• Ability to travel to a new place to hang with family and friends.  
• Cool bragging medals to hang in my room. Yes…they hang in our bedroom.  Don’t judge.  A cross and other sorta art type things do too….
• All the people I’ve known from my cancer work…either who can’t because of treatment/diagnosis, or those who are no longer here.  Too long to list….but I carry them all in my heart…… 
• For those I’ve inspired to run.  I am convinced there is a reason I’m consistently slow.  I’m consistent, right?  That’s good…but perhaps I can be motivation to others in my journey, and I’m totally cool with that purpose.  Totally. 
• Hanging with my girlfriends and having a free therapy session. Shh…there was discussion today ….thinking they should all chip in and pay me my rate for therapy.  I didn’t have the heart to tell them my rates just went up, perhaps they’d reconsider that kind offer? 🙂 
• Peace…………………. few things calm my mind quite like running.  Yoga.  Prayer. Writing.  and Running.  I do them all. 
• Forward motion.  Some runs are great.  Some are awful.  Most fall between there somewhere.  Each is fantastic because it gets me closer to wherever I am going in life.  I haven’t figured it out yet, but isn’t it awesome? 
• Fun new running shirts.  Some are hideous.  Some are cool.  
• Example/role model for my kids (and others).  We don’t always win races (Ok, I’ve never won!) but sometimes the important lesson is more about showing up and finishing.  I want my kids to learn this lesson.  
• There are no short cuts or easy routes to finish a race.  Just like with life.  
• Running is fun.  Yes…..largely and categorically it is fun.  Why did I not do this sooner?

 

Love this quote…it’ll make me giggle when I’m feeling like I will..never…get…to….the…finish…line….

“Rivers know this:  There is no hurry.  We shall all get there some day.” A.A. Milne.  Winnie the Pooh.

Who knew Winnie the Pooh was so prophetic?

Peace…….and happy running…or walking…or riding…or…….find your bliss…… 

 

30 day yoga challenge….check!

30 days! Yes. I. Did.  

I’m not sure if completing my 30 day yoga challenge is as important as understanding where it all began, and how much has changed since then.  

Prior to last December, I had done yoga exactly 1 time.  1 time.  In clinical practice, I had encouraged others to try yoga thinking in a very existential way that it “must be good” for people to help stretch and relax, but really didn’t understand (1) the effort it takes to practice, (2) the strength it takes to practice or (3) the commitment it takes to practice.

So on a random day last December, I decided I wanted to try yoga and signed up for a class with my neighbor.  I was awkward, nervous, uncoordinated and quickly became acutely aware of my lack of upper and core body strength.  But I loved it, weird?

8 months later, I decided to try a “30 day yoga challenge.”   

My journey to the “30 day challenge” isn’t markedly unlike my journey with running, my journey with writing, my journey with now writing my book..once I make up my mind to do something, I’m all in! 

But the thing I find relatable, perhaps, or want people to understand is I had zero experience with it (and also have a chronic pain condition I deal with everyday) and I did it anyway.  It’s somewhat like jumping off a cliff with a parachute and “hoping” it opens and glides me safely to the ground and in the meantime, there is something I need to learn in the process.  I had no idea what I was getting into, but somewhere inside of me I felt like I was being pushed to try something new.  

• There were days I didn’t want to get up and go to yoga, I got up anyway. 
• There were days I was sore and exhausted, but I went anyway. 
• There were days I was juggling my family life, work life, and had a run to do, but I went anyway. 
• There were days I felt insecure with my mind and body and really didn’t want to go to yoga, but I went anyway.  

Doing something we feel like we can’t do or are scared of doing does far more for us than doing something in our comfort zone ever will.  Sometimes, we need to be uncomfortable, we need to feel uneasy to really push ourselves towards our full potential.

So how does pushing beyond our comfort zone enable us to do things we once thought were impossible?  

My 20s and 30s year old self would’ve never thought it was possible to: 

• Leave a consistent steady job (and paycheck) and opt for a more challenging/fulfilling career as a private therapist (every paycheck is a “mystery’ depending on # clients seen, etc).  The fear of the unknown “could’ve” kept me from the best job I’ve ever had! 
• Run a block.  Let alone a 5k, or half or full or the wonderful distances in between. I may never be the first one to finish a race, but I finish.  And had I let the fear of “what do I look like when I”m running” override my thoughts, I would’ve never known how sweet it is to receive a medal just for having the courage to run the race.  I wish everyone could know that feeling. 
• Do yoga.  That was for hippie dippie types.  Wait…I was much more hippie dippie then, why wasn’t I doing yoga then? 
• Commit to write a book and start interviewing people, some of whom I hardly know, about peace.  Me.  Of all the things I’ve done and I’m doing, this one is the most daunting and thus scares me the most…… But….

Having the success of other things in my life that I’ve been scared of or insecure about has helped me prepare for this next challenge.  And isn’t that what life is all about?  Getting ready for the next challenge in life?  Big or small….I believe with all that I am that challenges keep us moving forward, interesting and interested in life.  

So if you’re considering the next challenge in life that you’re scared to take on for fear of the unknown….you are not alone!

Know I’ve done this….

• Had days I’ve second guessed myself leaving the security of my steady paycheck and job.  
• Started a race I couldn’t finish…but at least I had the courage to start.  
• Had to take child’s pose, been terrified doing a handstand, had to modify my stances in yoga because I have had to face and accept my limitations.
• Put out writing that has been critiqued by others, and accept whatever feedback has been offered.

The uncertainty, failures, limitations of life, and critiques have done more to help me more forward in my journey than the desire to stay “safe” ever could.  

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste time living someone else’s life.  Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people’s thinking.  Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your inner voice.  And most important, have the courage to follow your own heart and intuition.” Steve Jobs 

What a difference a night’s sleep makes…..

I remember when my kids were young, holding them when they were crying because they fell down and scraped their knee, or because they were overly tired and didn’t have the maturity to know they needed sleep, or because they were frustrated with us for one reason or another thinking to myself…parenting is SO hard! What I wouldn’t do to have a few moments of that “stress” in exchange for the stress of having a teenager now.  

As parents, it seems we don’t really appreciate moments until they’re already gone.  Or at least I don’t seem to do that.  Wanting them to roll over, crawl, walk, feed themselves, talk, use the potty, go to school, drive….all the milestones interspersed with every day moments seemingly passing by too soon.  Why didn’t I cherish them more when I was in the midst of them?  Seems like we want to rush through life so much that we often miss or don’t fully realize the beauty in the moments before they’re gone.  Sure there are pictures…but do we really connect with the moments behind the camera vs truly being in the moment when it’s happening? 

Now…I sit heart heavy listening to the troubles of my teenage son and find my heart breaking.  The pain, as a parent, I feel now is paralyzing.  

I want to go back to legos and star wars and play do (well not really, always loathed play do) and sesame street and footed pi’s and sippie cups and gold fish.  

But we can’t.  Life moves on, right?  And as a parent, all we can do is listen, and pray, and hope this phase passes just as quickly as the monumental ones of days gone by….

Feeling not very peaceful……

 

I wrote most of that last night…

I dislike showing vulnerability typically but feel like on a universal level, it’s necessary to show that just like everyone else, I have to work at finding peace and my life certainly is not rainbows and flowers and sunshine every waking moment.  Sometimes it’s a whole lotta yuk! 

Had an fitful night of sleep, nearly consumed with worry as most of us parents do when our kids are hurting or upset for whatever reason.  

But….I awoke to a new day.  Just like everyone else.  And thought, isn’t it great?  A new day filled with seemingly endless possibilities and a new perspective.  I ran with Layla the Wonderdog, went to yoga with my younger son and got my older son up to go to mass without any sort of complaining or hesitation.  I felt supremely blessed, and incredibly at peace.  

Sometimes, we have to sit with our emotions, as painful as they might be, and weather the storm.  For in the darkest of times, there is still a glimmer of light.  If we aren’t able to sit still and just “be”…we might miss it and think that how crappy we are feeling…we will ALWAYS be feeling.  And the truth is, no emotion…high or low…lasts forever.  We need them both to appreciate the fullness of life.  

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”                Corrie ten Boom. 

Here’s to hoping today, and going forward, we all can work towards not allowing worry to control one more moment of our life.  

Peace….. 

 

Showing up in life….does it matter?

Exhausted on day 21, I think, of my 30 day yoga challenge.  Today….I got up, went to yoga, and was committing only to show up.  Sometimes, that’s all we can do.  Show up.

There is an interesting thing that happens when we commit to doing something daily…an internal dialogue of really, why am I doing this?  Why does it matter?  Who would know if I skipped a day, or two, or three?  But the longer I practice, the more I realize it is ME.  I am doing this for me.  And I matter.  And if I didn’t show up, I’d know. Just like running (marathons) or writing or meditation or however others fill lives with practices that give us meaning.  Why am I doing all of this?  Because in some small and some large ways, it gives me meaning beyond my roles as wife and mother and daughter and therapist and ….. it gives me meaning in some very selfish ways that really, aren’t selfish at all.  The more I do, the more I feel grounded and centered in all the roles in life I play, and perhaps that’s really reason it’s important that I show up!  (I’d like to think it’s to learn a handstand one day…but I’m guessing there’s more to it…)  

So does it matter if I show up? YES.  Just like it matters for everyone else in this world.  Even if you don’t “feel” like showing up.  It matters.  Maybe you don’t know your reason, yet?

So I show up at class this morning.  Exhausted.  Sore.  Feeling outta sorts.  Few moments in, I’m reminded of the beauty of just taking a few minutes to sit in quiet and focus on breathe. When was the last time you did that?  (Yogi’s, need not respond to this question.)  Did it matter that I experienced reconnecting with my breathe?  Take a few moments today and see….see what it does for you. 

…..side note…….

I have this theory or belief (not sure which it is yet, or does it need to be one or the other) that true happiness is fully actualized when there is an immersion of mind/body/spirit.  When we focus on one, others can suffer.  When we neglect one, we can be off balance.  For each person, there is a different road map for how we get that that place….finding “true happiness”…..

For me…it is a combination of many factors:  Writing/meditation/reading (mind), Running/yoga/bike riding/eating healthy/vegetarian (body) and Volunteering/mentoring/practicing faith/charity work (spirit).  I work at it DAILY.  All of this, takes work.  But isn’t happiness worth the effort?

Try as many a client may to convince/argue with me the belief that “money makes people happy”….I will continue to believe/teach/counsel others and PRACTICE MYSELF this…..happiness is NOT found at Nordstorm or Barneys or Lululemon (though I really, really love their yoga and running attire…so that’s negotiable.) Rather, happiness comes from within…..in accepting self, in making our own path, in filling our lives with meaning and meaningful people to share our lives.  In giving to others.  In finding our own meaning of spirituality.  In learning to think for ourselves, and having the courage to share our thoughts with others….

Ahh……so that’s it!!!! 

The meaning for me behind the “recurring” theme of today’s yoga session.

“The heart guides us where the mind would never have the courage to go.” Megan, yoga teacher. 

My heart wants others to understand this “belief”, true happiness comes in the immersion of mind/body and spirit.  How I wish I “knew” this years ago, it doesn’t come in a department store, it doesn’t come at the end of a bottle (ok, a really great bottle of Chianti, maybe? I’m kidding….mostly) and it doesn’t come in the focusing of one (mind/body/spirit) at the expense of the other.  

So my “heart” wants others to know…and my “mind” is trying to have the courage to accept the  path that could unfold in front of me as I allow my heart to lead me to my real purpose in life.  It’s FRIGHTENING!  But amazingly deliciously fantastic too! 

If I “didn’t show up” today, I wouldn’t have heard this message.  So…does it matter if we show up in life?  What do you think?

Peace…….

 

Light and Dark. Found on the mat (and track)

I’ve been playing around with this concept of light and dark in my head over the past few days, inspired by the thoughts of a yoga teacher a few sessions ago.  Her challenge to us was to accept our “dark” because it is already exposed to the world even if we don’t realize it. 

Hmmm.  So if we take this concept as truth, if only for the sake of thinking about things in another way, which quite frankly is something I LOVE to do whenever possible….then why do we spend so much time trying to hide our “dark” and assume that our “light” is all people want to see or will accept in us? Aren’t we all dark and light?  Good and Evil? Well, everyone else apparently because I took a VERY reliable Facebook quiz and it indicated I’m “100% good!  An angel!” Really?  Wow!  I must be then, right?

When I think about it, as I’ve made an effort to let down some of the well constructed fortress that surrounds me in my adulthood, originally erected to protect me from hurts and disappointments and fears and sadness in life as a child or teen or young adult, I have seldom found my effort to be ill-received or push me further into my own inner darkness.  Sure, there have been hurts along the way, sure there has been disappointments and I’ve been fearful and sad, but with each time I’ve learned if I’m to be too harshly judged or shunned by those I’ve chosen to confide, then really are they worth the effort anyway? Sometimes that has helped me to better define “who” I want to continue to have in my life. 

I sat down with my first interviewee for my upcoming book.  I love that can say that, my upcoming book, makes it sound so much more real.  In the session, I found the most beauty in her story not the times that were easy or blissful, but rather the times that we painful and dark and morose, and in those times, somehow she began to crawl her way back out of towards the light and beauty and now presents as this amazingly beautiful beacon of peace and light and joy who inspires others, daily……It opened my eyes, deepening my sense of amazement of the truest sense of beauty and peace a person is capable of having.  Accepting your dark, and moving through to light. 

Would she have been able to do that if she lived a permanent state of harmony and happiness?  And do we really think that’s possible anyway?  Isn’t life really about light and dark, joy and sorry, peace and chaos, good and bad?  I’m learning, relearning actually, that life is much more about accepting the entire range of emotions in life, as not only is it impossible to avoid the dark, it is often in the dark that we are pushed to grown and truly celebrate the light that comes after the darkness. 

Found this quote and it touched me today….

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes.  Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow.  Let reality be reality.  Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” Lao Tzu

So in final thought for this moment in time, may you embrace your darkness as much as your light, for sometimes it is in the pure and innocent acceptance that we find the strength to grow. 

Peace…..

 

View from the back of the pack. A half marathon story…..

Have you ever attended a race and cheered runners/walkers on from the sidelines?

I’ve been on both sides.  A runner and a spectator.

As a runner, I’m sadly one of the mid-packers at best.  Depending on how disciplined I’ve been, and how cooperative my leg is being (more specifically, how much or how little my piriformis is acting up), I’m either a mid-pack runner, or one of the plodders near the back just trying desperately to finish and wondering often out loud why I decided to sign up for another race.

“Pain is inevitable.  Suffering is optional.” Haruki Murakami

I’ve also been to many races and cheered on other runners/walkers.  Whether cheering on my husband in a race, or riding our bikes around to see runners in a local run, I’m endlessly amazed at the courage and strength of all runners and walkers.  I am in awe at the seemingly effortless stride elite runners display, whether on mile 1 or mile 26.2 (I haven’t watched an ultra yet…)….their pace, their stride, their calm facial expression….all seems constant.  Impressive.  Yet….to me there is something equally yet differently amazing about those runners/walkers who are striving to be mid packers at best, and often times struggling to just. make. it. to. the. finish. line. 

This past weekend I ran Dexter to Ann Arbor half marathon as a training run for the Berlin marathon, scheduled this fall.  I was under trained, and not prepared to run the never-ending route of hills in 80 degree temps.  But the beauty, twisted as it might be, of running a race that drops you off at the finish…there is no other way to get to the finish line than to just. keep. swimming.  I mean running. 

So what’s it like running mid pack at best?  Good and Bad.

Spectators:  sometimes….are less than enthusiastic by the time the slower runners emerge from the depths of a course.  Advice….if you commit to go to a race, if you are able, stay the entire time.  As someone who has struggled to finish a race, believe me when I say your “You’re doing awesome” even when I don’t feel like it is oh so sweet a song.  Thank you to those who stay until the last courageous soul passes you on the course.  It may be his or her first/last race.  Make it awesome for him/her!

Stories: yes, when you are plodding along, there are often so many stories swapped.  The: How did you start running?  How long have you been in recovery?  What injury are you currently dealing with this season?  What’s your next race?  What’s the best medal?  Who is here to cheer you on today?  What time did you get up today?  Why do you keep signing up for races?   Who told you that you weren’t good enough?  I love it.  It’s a seamless transition for me from my work life (as a therapist) to my running life…I am endlessly curious about “the stories” of why people run, and more importantly, why they continue to run.  Perhaps if I was an elite, I’d never learn all of these stories on my run, for my focus may be different.  Don’t get me wrong, I’d love the opportunity to be an elite, or a front of the pack runner, or in corral A or B or somewhere above H….but I’m able to run…and above all else, I’m grateful.

View from the back: Shirts.  Quotes of motivation.  Bible passages.  Names of runners.  Reasons why he/she is running.  Costumes.  Runners dressed in full on military or this year firefighter gear.  Yes…that is where we are all hiding.  Many of us mid-packers at best are running for many reasons ‘beyond’ the race, and often times, when you’re in the back…you have many, many miles to read (on the back of runners shirts) the who/what/why people are running.

I leave with one last quote…

This is a thought to ponder that sums up why I run.  When I started running 9 years ago, I was an ocassional gym attendee at best.  I did my workouts on my own, and didn’t feel like I was particularly athletic.  Something, and I don’t know what clicked in me, and I decided to just start running.  A block.  A couple of blocks.  A couple of miles…and now marathons.  My childhood/teenage/young adult self would NEVER have believed that was possible.  Now….not only do I have a great group of friends I refer to as my “running friends” but each race I do, I meet new people who are often just like me…running to be a bit better person than we were the moment we started the race.  In the mid or back of the pack (and ok, front runners…”maybe” you have this too….I say with a smile)….

“The reason we race isn’t to beat each other, it’s to be with each other.” Christopher McDougall.

Peace…..

Peace all begins in the journey with self…..

“It isn’t enough to talk about peace.  One must believe in it.  And it isn’t enough to believe in it.  One must work at it.” Eleanor Roosevelt

I’ve had an ongoing discussion recently with a friend of mine regarding “why peace?” Why is it so important to me?  When did it start?  I’m not of the “hippie” generation, thus to be younger and fully embrace the concept isn’t commonplace for my Gen X peeps. And for me, it isn’t as much about wanting to state that I’m anti-war, though really, aren’t we all?  Well may be not the companies who produce the weapons that soldiers use in war, but overall, wouldn’t most of us state that we ‘want’ peace?

For me, it’s much more about a deep, introspective journey with self.  Trying, daily, to find my path, and live my life more simply, more fully, to where the stressors of life bother me less, and my ability to be content becomes more of a reality rather than an aspiration of mine.

So where did it start?  Amidst of the chaos of my life somewhere in raising children, trying to be a good wife, battling issues with my own self esteem and body image, trying to figure out what I was really meant to be doing in life, dealing with hurts from friends/family, heartache over losing friends/family members to cancer and other devastating illnesses, financial burdens and uncertainties…somewhere in there….I started the journey.

I state journey…because it is just that.  A journey.  I’m curious to learn how some view me.  I understand and am fully cognizant of my own personal journey, sometimes dark and morose, but forget that I’ve come such a long way and the person I once was- the person filled with self-doubt and insecurities, isn’t the person I am today (most days).  I forget that while most may see me as this calm, peaceful, steady and compassionate person, I wasn’t always that way.  There are days in clinical practice, or with my un-official therapeutic conversations with my running friends that I need to remind both myself and the others around me while I really am calm, peaceful, steady and compassionate now, it is something I continue to work at daily.

So it made me think about the concept of working at something that matters.  Why do so many in our world fail to understand the concept of working towards what matters to us?  When did we lose the value or concept of “work”?  When did people start to think that a “happy/peaceful life” should be just handed to them without having to actually work for it?

“Nothing will work unless you do.” Maya Angelou. 

So my advice to people, both clinically and personally, if one wants to have a peaceful/happy life, one needs to work for it.  Daily.

• Decide what’s important in you life.
• Eliminate what no longer suits you.
• Focus on service to others.
• Find an exercise to do daily (ideally) to process your excess stress/energy
• Spend time daily in prayer or mediation.  Daily.
• Take care of your body.  Eat what nourishes you, not always what is easy and available.
• Practice a mindset of gratitude.
• Never give up finding your own path…..

I remember reading somewhere that it matters less what happens in our life and more what we choose to do with it.  We could all give up and become bitter and resentful and angry for the myriad of hardships or disservice we experience in life….or we could choose to practice finding peace and happiness for the many gifts, wonders, beauties, and joys in life.

Want to guess which choice I’m making today?

Peace……in your journey today and always…..

What are your road blocks to peace?

“An eye for an eye only ends up making the world blind.” Mahatma Gandhi.

I’ve thought about this over the past few weeks. I haven’t written at all, which is a good indication of the peaceful state or lack there of that has ensued my being.

As a teenager, I remember feeling unsettled, as best I can describe it.  Uncertain.  Insecure.  Perhaps in retrospect my teenage angst was not dissimilar to those of my peers.  However, as a teen I remember feeling totally and utterly alone.  I remember sitting in the widow seat of my teenage bedroom, hugging my cat “Riches”, tears streaming down my face thinking “Oh my gosh, will it ever get better?” I remember that feeling.  Why?  Because it was the feeling I had for more times that I care to even confess.  I remember that feeling…..

Then one day, something clicked.

My road to peace, my journey, is up to me.

Over the past few years, I’ve spent time trying tor figure out who I am.  Really am.  Not the picture some may see me to be or the one I think I should convey to others.

What helps?  Here are tools or instruments to living a more peaceful life. (in no particular order)

• Find what makes you happy.  In work.  At home.  In life.  Life is far too uncertain to be living the life others want us to live.
• Meditate.  Spending time in quiet union with the mind/body helps to calm and center me and helps.  Period.
• Pray.  When I can’t seem to find the answers, I pray.  Often it’s an ongoing dialogue I’m sure my Catholic school teachers and Priests would not find correct, or maybe I’m just overanalyzing.  That’s entirely possible.
• Running.  For me it is the best way to get out whatever stress or unpleasant feelings I’m having in my day. I never, ever regret a run I take.  I often regret those I skip.  Thank goodness marathon training season is upon me….no more excuses.
• Baking.  I love making food for my family and all those in my life I consider family.  It is my creative outlet, something I encourage everyone to find.
• Writing.  One of the reasons I have felt “off” these past few weeks has been my inability to find time to write.  Being able to get out what is in my mind and on to paper (or computer) helps to calm me.
• Saying no.  No, I’m sorry I can’t do that right now.  No, I’m sorry I can’t take another task on right now.  No, I’m sorry I can’t meet you for ____ right now.  I re-learned that over the past few weeks.  I forgot to say no, and well….hence my derailment on my path towards peace.
• Music.  There are few things in life I like more than music.  Lately, the music of Amrit Kirtan, Shatam Kaur (yoga music, I like to categorize it) and my new favorite Ms Mr are on the top of my playlist.  To aid in meditation or to help me just unplug from my day, music has a unique ability to help me achieve these outcomes.
• Letting go of the little things.  There was a book (series) written about this…why didn’t I write about it before?  I’d be the millionaire, right?  But truthfully, so much of life is filled with “little things”….little things people argue about that in the end, are a heaping pile of misunderstandings or assumptions or missed opportunities to show love.  My mother in law once said to me “I ask myself often, is it more important to be right, or kind?” I choose to be kind.  So maybe the “little things” in life don’t bother me so much, not because I’m weak and a sucker…but because for me, it is more important to be kind…it is in kindness…I find peace.

So there ya go.  I learned, again, that my path towards peace is not for others to define or do for me…that’s the easy route and often not the temporary one.  Rather, my path to peace, is finding ways to eliminate the clutter that is in my way and focus on the “who” I am rather than who others want me to be.

“Nobody can bring you peace but yourself.” Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Peace…….

Life overload……

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a kind smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” Leo Buscaglia

I so loved him.  What a brilliant man.

I’ve taken a break from writing/blogging.  Consciously.  I really, really missed it.  It was hard to not have a place to put down my thoughts….

Ever have the experience of “hearing” something and wishing you could “unhear it?”

In clinical practice, I have learned to be able to be present with clients when I’m in session, but out of professional necessity, when I’m away from clients I need to put their problems “away” to focus on someone else, or perhaps my own family (or dare I say SELF) for once.  I say, sorta in jest…..

Over the past few weeks, however, I’ve had more family/friend “stuff”, sad news from others, and realized, the clinical practice I utilize with clients, doesn’t work so well with family and friends.  No, this is not my first rodeo, I understand this intellectually, but this past week, the “life overload” just kinda hit me…….I realized I am unable to just neatly put away on a shelf friends/family stuff and consciously not think about it.  My heart aches for others who are really struggling right now for a myriad of reasons, and I just wish I could help, but know my role is to just listen…..

I’ve been really blessed lately to have some particularly supportive people encouraging me to keep writing, to find my focus, and “plan” what I want to eventually do with my writing. Sometimes I’m really, really good with planning.  Like in marathon training, I excel…or maybe survive is a better term at some points….with a plan.  However, in other areas, I do find that I wander a bit in a place of not knowing…..I admit it.  But I’m starting to understand the difficulty in knowing my “plan” has more to do with my desire to chart my own course, so naturally….there is no plan.  My plan is my un-plan.  Shockingly…that is not a word, yes, I am stating it before someone corrects me….

I do have some ideas.  I’m starting…to find the path I’ve started, leading to wherever un-chartered territory I’m meant to go…..

So the question keeps arising in my head…why do I write?  Why is it important that I write- and in a public forum- on my journey with peace?  Here are my honest, unfiltered thoughts….

I would like to think if people describe me, they’d say I’m peaceful and calm and compassionate, not necessarily in that order but among the adjectives to describe me I hope that at least one of those words would be on the list.  I hope that is how I appear, as for the most part that is how I feel.  However, I didn’t always feel that way.  When I was a teenager and a young adult (ugh…I’m no longer a young adult…but that’s another story.  laughing, a little) I was depressed and felt “less than” and lonely and lost.  I sought comfort in ways that I, in my adult self, find unsettling.  I remember feeling like I was the-only-person-who-felt-like-I-did-in-the-world.  There is really no worse feeling, feeling like you’re the only one.  So when I started blogging…I wanted more than anything to show that honestly through my writing, to show while I’m in a much better space than I once was, I really, really remember the feel of darkness, the taste of despair, the sound of sorrow….I remember.  Perhaps it makes me more empathic as a therapist, it isn’t something I share with clients, but perhaps it is something they can sense (I hope) in my genuine approach to therapy.

So why do I write?  Maybe if I can reach one other person today who is having a rough day to know that I’ve been there…and I work at finding peace just. like. everyone. else.  Daily……

Today, my journey started with getting my 2 favorite boys off to school.  Days like this are fleeting…I cherish each moment when I remember to remind myself how old they’re getting and one day they will be off on their own.  Gulp.  Making my absolute favorite Island Green Smoothie. Yum.  Going to Yoga with an incredibly talented and gentle spirit of a yoga teacher.  A short run with the wonder Dog Layla.  The BEST! And a walk outside in nature……sigh……

I could’ve curled up in a ball and felt bleak and helpless in thinking about my friends/family who are really struggling right now, but instead, I focused on being the healthiest/most positive self I can be, and remembered sometimes all people really need when they’re going through hardships is to know…they aren’t alone…..and to know when they need it, there is someone on this earth who will listen….I feel grateful when I re-direct my “knowing/hearing” overload as something less a burden and more an honor and privilege.

I can’t “fix” my friends/family problems.  As soon as I remembered this, the “life overload” began to lift.  I remembered that sad teenager/young adult whom once I was, and know if I felt like I had someone else who was there to just “listen” and not attempt to “fix” my problems, perhaps I would’ve not felt so alone.  Perhaps it wouldn’t have taken me years and years to find my way to the peaceful, calm, compassionate self I now fancy myself to be.

So to all those struggling out there today/tonight….know you are not alone…for if you have read this blog, know I”m thinking about you and wishing you great peace in love.

Today…that is my purpose in writing…..

One of my favorite songs….hope you enjoy…..

 

Peace…….

 

Flyer Nation…..it’s more than a school, it’s community.

“Invisible threads are the strongest ties.” Freidrich Neitzche

Community- a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals.

This past week or so, I have been almost giddy (yes, me…almost giddy) watching and reading all the coverage on University of Dayton’s basketball team. While I understand the “Cinderella Story” of the team sells, what I find even more interesting is the reaction to the stories posted in social media by my fellow alum.  While it is fantastic they are in the playoffs, and yes it is amazing, universally the pride we feel for others getting a glimpse of “why” we all love our college is what stands out! Community.

Walking through campus, I remember loving the feeling of recognizing faces if I didn’t know names and exchanging “hellos” with passersby as if it was a cultural, albeit unspoken, norm for the student body.  I loved that feeling.  Small enough to feel like you knew everyone but large enough to have the experience of being a second semester senior and meeting a new friend.  Community.… it was all around us at UD.  So when people wonder why such frenzied flyer love is flying (no pun intended, ok…maybe intended) so freely all around the nation, it’s this tremendous sense of community that we all feel is something larger than ourselves,like “invisible threads” that connect us forever.

Isn’t that what we all yearn for on some level, to belong to something larger than ourselves?

As a young child, my family moved often.  One might think my Dad was perhaps in the military for how often we moved, but in actuality it was banking.  I know, I know….what???  While I do not begrudge my parents for making difficult decisions to move myself and my brother in hopes for better job opportunities for my Dad, it was undeniably difficult for me to constantly be the new kid in school.  As a naturally shy and introverted person (yes, I really am!), I had very little experience with what it was like to “belong” to a community.  At UD, I found it. When my parents informed me they were moving once again at the end of my freshmen year, and offered for me to transfer to another college closer to them, I politely said, “Um…no way!” and stayed at UD.  Starting and completing school, for the first time in my life, with the same group of people….my graduation day remains one of my fondest memories to date.

So how do we take what we have had in our lives and long for in some ways, and transfer it somewhere else?  I think of it as once we know what works for us, why would we want to do anything else?

I worked for almost 14 years at a cancer support community.  Seriously.  Community.

I run with a great group of women (and sometimes guys depending on the event).  Community.

I joined a yoga studio with a strong sense of community at its core.  Community.

I volunteer and practice my faith in a church, that is also where my kids go to school.  Community.

So….while these past few weeks have made me more than just a little nostalgic for my days in college, and for spending times with my friends on the roof of my sorority house drinking beverages (shhh….I am sure I was 21 when I did this!), I am thankful for the lessons I learned about the importance of community and my ability to be able to translate that into my now “not so young” adult life.

For helping me to understand the sacredness of life…..I found community at Gilda’s Club.

For helping me to be both a mentor and student, encouraging others to reach their dreams of running a marathon….I found community in running with friends.

For helping me to deepen my practice of meditation and do something on a regular basis that I don’t feel necessarily proficient, understanding sometimes that isn’t the point….I found community at Citizen yoga.

For helping me understand that with God, no matter what I go through in life, I am never alone…I found community at Shrine.

This is one of my all-time favorite quotes…my college friends have a sense of why this author has importance to me…others I will just keep you guessing….

“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” Dr. Seuss

We are not meant to be islands onto ourselves, our need and gravitation towards others makes our experience as humans unique. Community. 

Peace…..& Go UD!

Stop. And enjoy the moment…..

It is not uncommon for me to say something and have the following response back to me “From where on earth did that thought come?”  Perhaps, perhaps….referencing my sometimes fleeting/interlaced thoughts that float about my mind.  Sometimes I’m so focused on planning for the “next thing” that I forget to stop. and enjoy the moment.

I ran this weekend.  Well wait. Let me back up.

My parents fly me down to Florida (past 2 years) to visit as they escape the horrible Midwest winters and vacation in sunny Florida for a month.  I get their dog as my dog’s playmate for the month.  I again happily accepted their gracious offer and flew down for a long weekend.

My favorite memories from the weekend…..in no particular order

(1) Race day.  My Dad, My Mom, and a family friend got up EARLY to drive with me to the 10k race about 1/2 hour from our condo.  I arrived decked out in my St. Patty’s Day gear (complete with cute running skirt, green tank, shamrock garland interlaced in pony tail, and green beads) to run an unfamiliar course, in an unfamiliar town, without a friend in the field of runners.  Years ago, this would have scared me off.  This year, I arrived under trained, from the absolute coldest/snowiest winters EVER and went with it.  I made a million mistakes on the course of the race (started too fast, didn’t eat properly, forgot to take anti inflammatory for piriformis) but I loved every minute.  I consciously took in the sites, felt the warm sun on my skin, said thank you to every Police officer and volunteer on the course, and enjoyed the feeling of running.

Have you ever done that?  Just been in the moment of running…and thought how blessed you are if you can do it?  I may not be fast, I may never win any races, but I’m so grateful I get to experience what it’s like to be in the moment of running a race…..

I am proud to say I was the first finished from Michigan.

Ok, Ok, I was the ONLY registered participant from Michigan, but details. details….

(2) Walks with my Dad on the beach.  I did run on the beach as well, but it occurred to me while I was down there, did it “really” matter if I ran “x” distance each day?  I don’t start training for the Berlin Marathon until May, so what does it matter right now?  Wasn’t it more important that my Dad and I walked on the beach and chatted together?  Away from my work…away from my family…away from the hundreds of wonderful but endless interruptions of every day life.  We all have a finite amount of time on Earth, and I am confident, if nothing else in life, that I let my parents know every moment I have how much I love and appreciate them.  Walking to the pastry or donut shop (no, I didn’t eat) was FAR more important than any run I would’ve done that weekend.

(3) Sitting by the pool with my Mom, having her cover up my back that somehow got a bit too much sun on it…..not sure how??? Smile….Just like I was a kid.  It was the best feeling I’ve had in a long time.  As adults, I think we sometimes forget that we still need to be loved and cared for and it is what I believe makes us uniquely human….no matter how old I get, I will always want my parents around and I was really thankful I thought it was a better decision for me to sit and relax with my mom than to do the planning for workshops I want to do at work (sorry “work”…that’ll come soon…..).

Stop. And enjoy the moment……

I found this beautiful song, artist referred from a great yoga teacher at the studio I now can say I go too.  (I feel so cool when I write that. hahaha.) Thank you Anne Zemba.

Think it sums up my feelings today….we are all part of something beautiful.  And that is this amazing thing called life…..

Peace….and may you find something beautiful today in which to focus your energy….

Defying gravity……

“…..I’m through with accepting limits, ’cause someone says they’re so, some things I cannot change, but til I try, I’ll never know!…..” (Wicked)

Someone asked me this past week why (or maybe it was how) I run marathons, while living with chronic pain.  My quick response was “I”m stubborn!”  For those who know me well, there are probably no truer words.  Taurus.  Polish.   Was there any doubt I’d be stubborn?    But I thought about it all week.  Why does it matter that I run marathons?  I’ve run 4, why do I keep running them?  Is it something that I need to prove to others, or is it something I need to prove to myself?  If I stopped, would it even matter?

The pain frustrates me sometimes, not so much because it’s, well PAINFUL!  Not so much because I have been to a myriad of doctors, and have searched high and low for a “fix” for the pain.  What frustrates me more than anything is the limits I feel the pain puts on my life, and most specifically my running.  It would be easy for me to give up running, I know people would understand that decision, but I don’t want to do something just because it’s easy.  And I surely don’t want to give up running! .  ****For the curious, no doctor has ever told me to give up running.  And I don’t think it’s just because their words would fall on deaf ears…I wouldn’t listen anyway…….

“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop..” Confucius. 

It doesn’t matter how slow I run, just as long as I don’t give up…..

When I think about things in my life, like the chronic pain, that frustrate me, I’ve been actively trying to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones.  We can only think of one thing at a time.  To those who have experienced “racing thoughts”, this may seem contrary.  However, racing thoughts are really a series of thoughts that blend together from one to another to another. However, there is still only “1” thought at a time.  So my question is, why give the negative ones space?  Fill ourselves with positive thoughts, and actively push the negative ones out.

Example:

Perhaps the pain (piriformis syndrome) serves to remind me that I’m stronger than pain, and with the perseverance, I am capable of more than I think I am?
26.2 miles- with piriformis syndome….I am a rock star!

Perhaps the pain helps me to take time to stretch, to do yoga, to meditate, to focus on things that I might not if I was “totally healthy”? ****for the record, I’m not sure anyone is “totally healthy”….everyone’s got something……

Perhaps the pain helps others in someway to realize they too can push past “limits”, self-imposed or otherwise?

Who knows….what I do know is I don’t like it when someone tells me I “can’t” do something.  I don’t like to have others define what I can, or cannot do.  I spent far too many years being afraid to try things- for fear I wouldn’t be good at it, or I’d get hurt, or I’d be embarrassed.

So what’s my next “defying gravity” goal?  To do a head stand and/or handstand in yoga.  Right now, my “limits” are fear and strength.  Not sure which one is more pervasive, but I’m working towards it….

I remember one of my first days in yoga, one of the teachers saying “if you are thinking you will never be able to do one, you gotta push through it” (or something like that).  I was thinking “Oh my gosh, how did she know that’s EXACTLY what I’m thinking?!”  So I sat with those thoughts for a few weeks, ok months….but today it occurred to me, 8 years ago I had the same thought about running….I thought I couldn’t run a 5k, or 10K, or a marathon?  Who does that?  Not me!  And here I am starting to train for my 5th.  In Berlin, no less!

“It always seems impossible, until it’s done.” Nelson Mandela

So yoga guru teachers, take note.  Today, I’m not ready to do a head/handstand.  But I’m working on it, and one day, “handstand go” will be my mantra to get me to do something else that I think, for a moment, is beyond my reach……

Peace…..

Follow your arrow…..

I started writing this blog…was half way done.  I listen to music while writing, and today, the music changed my direction entirely.

I listen to a wide variety of music. One of the genres my family loathes the most is my county music/female singer/song writer fascination.  Kacey Musgraves is among my new faves…and love this song entitled “Follow Your Arrow”.

“Say what you think….love who you love…cause you just get so many trips round the sun….yeah, you only, only live once.”

Love this…..

We spend so much time either judging others or trying to be something just to make other people happy….why do we care?  Why do we spend time focusing on others when isn’t focusing on our own journeys difficult enough?  Geez…who has time?

A little over a year ago, I left a stable job (that I really loved on many levels), started making some changes in what I ate (and more specifically what I don’t eat anymore), decided to take my physical fitness journey more seriously, and in general started a process of really focusing on what I need to be doing in my life.  Not “Sally Smith’s Life” or “Judy Jones’ Life”…focusing on my life.  So I cleaned house with some things/people I needed to in order to lighten my spirit, I gave up caring so much what others think about me and started caring much more about what I think about me.  It’s WAY easier…and harder….and easier…and harder….

Today, it’s easier.

“The purpose of our lives is to be happy.” Dalai Lama. 

How can we be happy in our life if we are focused on what other people are doing or what other people think we should be doing?

So this year, instead of worrying if I should get my hair cut because maybe I’m getting too old to have it so long…I will let it grow as long as I can stand it (or until my hair stylist decides the ends look too awful and we need to chop it!)…..spend more time visiting with friends rather than just planning to do so…wear flip flops from the very first moment I can this year…sign up for more races and focus less on my times….embrace the whimsy spirit that lives within me rather than trying to squash it… write more, and talk less.  listen more and judge less….and say thanks to my friends and family.  For putting up with me in my journey….

What’s your plan to live a happier life?

Peace….

First run of the season….Michigan style….

Meeting for the first group run of the season, meaning post holiday and horrible worst winter on record in the state of Michigan season….

5 of the 7 of us “running girls” met for a 5 mile run.  Bolded for a reason (later)

All of us up early, meeting for what we all knew would be a hilly route.  Why?  Because our route planner/former secret service person/drill sergeant had planned the route and we were prepared as best as we could be. 

As best as we could be…..all of us have run multiple half and/or full marathons.  All of us are avid runners.  But all of us have just been through the worst winter in Michigan history coupled with the heels of the holiday season and thus….all of us have barely run over the past few months.  Swapping runs for indoor workouts, although cardio, not the same as running.  I have admittedly swapped my running shoes for my bare feet on the yoga mat in the warm yoga studio.  Maybe I’m hiding?

So we meet, set our garmin watches, and set out for our run.  It’s FREEZING.  Thoughts:  Are we dressed warm enough? Are we really ready for this?  Are we really this slow?  And most importantly, Oh my gosh isn’t great to all be together?

There is comfort in numbers.  In having each other to motivate us through the miles.  In the giggling and the chatter that quickly consumes our route.  Sometimes it is quiet (though not often) as we marvel at the beautiful houses in the neighborhoods we’re running past (no, it’s not our ‘hood) or the splendor of the snow.  Ok….scratch that…..after 3 solid months of snow, it no longer is splendid by any stretch.  It’s old.

We rejoice as we ALL MAKE IT UP THE DREADED FIRST HILL.  This is remarkable, especially, because there have been training runs in the past, when we were far more conditioned, when some or all of us couldn’t run the entire way up the hill.  Yay!

3.5 miles into the route, one of us said “hey….how far is this route again?”

Route planner/former secret service person/drill sergeant giggles saying “Oh….closer to 7″….. giggle. giggle. giggle.

Wait…..didn’t all of us slugs, who can barely call ourselves “runners” at this point sign up for the “5 mile” route????

That’s when beauty of having friends whom you run with comes into play.  Route planner/former secret service person/drill sergeant knows us well enough to know together, we can get through more than we can alone.  Route planner/former secret service person/drill sergeant knows the ice, the snow, the speedy cars, the rude motorists, the puddles, the hills….none of it is as daunting together as it is alone.

6.5 miles together.  Done.  All we could talk about, after they all chuckled at how priceless my face was when I realized we had to run 3.5 miles back to our starting point (yes….I’m directionally challenged and I think they take advantage of me, slightly….. ha.),was when we would all be able to run together again.

“Pain is inevitable.  Suffering is optional.” Haruki Murakami.

Peace…..

My typical weekend, grown up version…..

My typical weekend, grown up version (not “x” rated version, geez!) is so different from when I was in my early 20s.  You know, back when I “thought” I was a grown up.

No offense to those who may possibly read this and are in that age group, I loved my early 20s.  Back then, I could survive on a  couple of hours of sleep, never “needed” to exercise, could drink however much I wanted and recuperate on the couch the entire next day only to sometimes decide to repeat all over again (yes, this is true.  I’m not proud.  But honest), eat whatever I wanted and maintain roughly the same weight, never even thought about retirement (Ok, I still don’t really think about that yet, probably I should….) and I didn’t have the 2 most wonderful additions in my life who depend on me to actually “be” a grown up instead of just “thinking” I am one.

We lived a very carefree life going to concerts on “school nights”, grocery shopped when there was nothing left in the refrigerator but perhaps a jar of hot sauce and some stale bread and more likely when there was no more beer left in the house (Oh the crisis!), ate whatever was easy rather than what was considerably healthy, and didn’t really think much about it.  Simple.  But thinking back, I didn’t really “feel” healthy during those years.  I think how silly that sounds when logically one in his/her 20s typically is in good health and should feel well.

It wasn’t until I had my children, when I really started seeing myself as a grown up and knowing that I needed to be as healthy as I could for them, for me.

When did that happen?

Somewhere along the way when I forgot for a moment that I was indeed a mom of 2 young children, and decided to go out and have too many drinks (or as our family refers to it “tee many mar-toonies”….doesn’t sound as funny when I write it down…sigh….) and then had to take care of my VERY young children the next day.  Nothing can slap you into reality quite like this scenario.  No sleeping on the couch until God-knows when.  No endless channel surfing of sappy Lifetime movies.  No stumbling to the neighborhood diner to eat some greasy omelet with my then standard diet coke or more preferably diet dr. pepper.  And for sure no repeat performances.

Thank goodness they came along.  For me….I make no judgement when I write that because certainly others function quite well and are quite happy with that pattern in their lives, but for me, my 20something year old self even knew there was a different path for me…..

So flash forward, a FEW years later…….goes something like this….

Friday….in bed by 10pm so I can get up the next day for running with friends.

Saturday….

• up by 7 to make smoothie and get ready to meet friends for group run.
• Meet friends by 8:30 to run 5 miles through a hilly part of town.  Midway in the run, I find out that we are running closer to 7 miles.          Surprise!
• Quick shower and go to yoga at 11:15 with one of my running friends.
• Yoga.  Bliss.
• Shower #2.
• Grocery shopping.  More fruits and vegetables than anything.  I love that!
• Mass.  (church to those non-catholics out there)
• Dinner with Mother in law and family.  One glass of delicious red wine.
• Watching the Olympics.
• Bed by 10:30.

Sunday…..

• Up by 7.  Make smoothie.  Make juices for day.
• Yoga at 8:30.  Fabulous.
• Running with the wonderdog Layla after.
• Shower.
• Afternoon of watching home improvement shows, writing in my blog, planning out my week, and planning for our trip to Europe to run the Berlin Marathon.
• Baked cookies.  New recipe.
• Quiet evening….until my boys asked to have friends stay the night and turn our house into a video game romper room haven.  Sigh…..

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

In my 20s….I didn’t have the energy to desire or energy or understanding of the importance of exercise in my life.  I wouldn’t have ever thought that I could run a marathon let alone be preparing for my 5th.  In my 20s….I never would have thought I’d have the discipline to do a juice fast or even know what one was….now I’ve done several.  In my 20s….I never would have thought a great day started with yoga and running…..now I’m bummed out if I can’t fit it in with my schedule with work and mom duty.  In my 20s….the thought of staying in meant I was either sick or broke (or both)…now it means I am hanging with my family watching Transformers for the zillionth time, and content in doing so.  This may or may not include having a beer or wine, instead of 20.  In my 20s….I spend way more time trying to be the person I thought others wanted me to be….rather than being the person I want to be.  Period.  When my mostly grown up self thinks about it now….I really want to get to the point of not caring what others think of me, not in a place of irreverence, but of living with integrity and grace and knowing my decisions are the best for me.  Period.

“Keeping up the appearance of having all your marbles is hard work, but important.” Sara Gruen, Water for Elephants.  

Interesting quote…but do any of us really have all our marbles?  Aren’t the oddities that make all of us unique really ok?

In the end, I don’t want to think of being a grown up as being boring.  My choices to live healthier more days than not, don’t mean that I pass on the extra cocktail all the time, to me it just means that I’ve for the first time in my life have balance.

“Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm, and harmony.” Thomas Merton

EXACTLY!

Peace…..

marathon runnner moonlighting as a yogi

“Have patience with everything that remains unresolved in your heart….Live in the question.” Rainer Maria Rilke

One of the best parts of running for me is the opportunity to be still in my thoughts and find my center.  To be grounded to the earth.  To spend time selfishly processing whatever leftover thoughts remain from the day that encompasses a mostly other-centered practice in family and work life.  I never regret the miles I do, and often regret the miles I don’t.  It isn’t regret for not getting the mileage in per say (much to the chagrin of my running partners who are engineers and want to make sure we go EXACTLY the mileage we are scheduled to go), rather I regret the time to just be still in thought even if my body is not.

So what am I doing spending so much time this month doing this thing called yoga?  I feel like I’m cheating on my beloved “running”….Shhh.  Don’t tell “running.”

I NEVER thought I’d like yoga as much as I do.  I have a hard time sitting still, hence running is good as it pushes me to be still in thought as my body is at work.  So I’m as shocked as anyone that yoga is offering me similar benefits in both mind and body even though in practice they are so different.

But are they really?

When I trained for my first half marathon, I drove the distance shortly after I had committed to do the race but hadn’t really started the training process.  13.1 miles is crazy long when you drive it in the car conscious that you will be running it.  Imagine my terror when I then committed to running a full marathon (and no, I didn’t purposely drive the distance that time….ha.  ) and thought about how long it would take me to cover the miles on foot.  I think it’s difficult for most people who are not runners and hear you are running a marathon to understand this:  completing the marathon, while an accomplishment, is only part of the story.  Preparing for a marathon takes countless hours and hundreds of miles of running getting ready to run the actual race.  It is the quiet moments alone with oneself, the stillness in thought, the perseverance that allows one to be ready to run the race.

Yoga, for me, is so different from my experience with running yet so similar.  Being able to accept the limitations of my body while pushing myself to do more than my mind really wants to be doing has been exceedingly challenging.  In a race, there is a clear mark of the “winners” and all the rest of us who come in “after the winners” of the race.  In yoga, it isn’t so clear.  For some, being able to do a headstand isn’t all that difficult so perhaps their practice isn’t as challenging as another who is just starting to get comfortable with inversions?  I’m learning…the challenge, the practice, the measure is much more an internal process but so similar to the mental journey that running has for so many runners.  Make sense?

Sometimes when I’m on the mat, listening to the prophetic words of the instructors, I find myself giggling.  Giggling.  I know, is that appropriate? I wonder sometimes if I should share with the instructors why I’m giggling.  It’s almost as if some of them have been with me on my runs, yes, training for my marathons as the words their about finding peace, finding your center, finding focus, discipline, service….all of these are not only thoughts that go through my head while I’m running….they are also words I write about in my blog and the thoughts I have as I meditate and pray.

So maybe “running” would be ok if he/she found out that I was moonlighting as a yogi?

Whatever our method or instrument to find that inner peace, maybe it’s not as important to how we get there, just as long as we continue on our path……

“Peace requires us to surrender our illusions of control.” Jack Kornfield. 

Letting go and practicing being in the moment…..for now, I’m enjoying yoga.  Of course, I do need to start getting out running soon as the Berlin Marathon is roughly 7 1/2 months away and I’m pretty certain I can’t “downward facing dog” my whole way through the 26.2 miles…..

Peace…..

Even professionals need reminders sometimes

“Pain insists on being attended to.  God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our consciences, but shouts to us in our pains.  It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” C. S. Lewis.

Is that what is happening?  God is shouting at me through my piriformis syndrome?  Clearly I’m missing a message I need to hear I guess…..

Just when I think the pain has subsided to a somewhat manageable level, it is once again tweaked and again I meet it with frustration and I admit, a tad bit of anger.  It is an un-welcomed guest, sneaking into my daily routine, disturbing my ability to do daily activities I really enjoy (um, running…..and getting ready to train for a marathon….I digress) and really disturbs my sleep. Really disturbs my sleep.

I disclose the chronic pain issue as a way to educate.  It isn’t for a pity party.  It isn’t people to be concerned about me.  Quite frankly, I feel like I manage my pain quite well.  I work.  I take care of my kids and my home.  I run…marathons.  I manage.  But chronic pain is sneaky…just when you think you have it figured out how to “manage it”….BAM!  It flares up and your current methods to cope no longer work and it feels like you’re starting all over again. Not unlike many issues I counsel clients with as a therapist.  Life is about making adjustments.

Chronic pain is “pain that has lasted for longer than 3-6 months”  or “longer than 12 months” or “extends beyond the expected period of healing” by several different definitions.  Whatever the case, mine has been cohabitating with me for longer than 6 years.  For people who live with chronic pain, it can be frustrating to explain to others the following:

• The pain never goes away totally.  Imagine a headache, that does not cease with Advil or Tylenol.  For years.  There ya go. Good times.
• While there are many ways to manage chronic pain, there is not a definitive way to “cure it.”
• Chronic pain can often difficult to diagnose.
• Everyone has an opinion on it.  No, surgery is often not an option.  Thank you for sharing…..
• Because chronic pain isn’t something you can visibly see, it is difficult to explain the magnitude of the impact it can have on one’s life.
• There are days, exhaustion doesn’t even describe the experience.

Because I just ran Marine Corps Marathon in October, and felt decent, I really was shocked when the pain increased this past week.  New to me, I decided to take a break from my running and focus on yoga.  Making “adjustments” in life….

One of my favorite times in yoga is doing child’s pose in the beginning.  I use it as a time to connect to the work I’m going to do on my mat and my time to meditate and pray.  My high bread Catholic meets meditation spiritual experience.  I arrive early to make sure I have time just “be.”  I’ve been asking God and meditating to find answers, for direction in life, for ways to deal with my pain, for what to wear to work that day (Ok, I’m kidding on that one, just checking if anyone was still reading….) and I’ve been really trying to do something novel…..listen!

For the past month, there has been an emphasis on opening up the hips, and ALL of the instructors have talked about humans “holding emotions in your hips.”  An ah-ha moment for me.  Anatomy/yoga 101. Sciatic nerve runs through/surrounds the piriformis muscles.  Doing hip opener exercises like pigeon pose for the yogis out there works to help with this issues.  Exactly where my chronic pain has taken up residence for years.

What emotions am I holding in there?

Today, a new instructor said something to the effect of “you can choose to fight it, or surrender.  It’s your choice.”

I chose, surrender.  She helped me get into the pose as deep as I could do, body trembling, sweat pouring from my head, and tears welling up in my eyes.  Not so much for the pain I was in, though honestly, it is painful because it is so tight….but more from this mind/body/spiritual connection that is totally new to me.

Maybe that’s what I was to learn today, that in the surrender, we receive peace.  In the letting go, we find direction and purpose.  In the darkness, we find light…..

Peace, and Happy belated blog (no one would’ve wanted to read my words a day or so ago…thoughts weren’t pretty….)

Finding peace in the January blahs….

For so long I thought peace was something that would just “happen”….like I’ve prayed for it for YEARS….certainly God is listening to me, right?

Frustrating….there are days it’s like crickets….nothing….

FRUSTRATING….

Then somewhere in the past month, it started to come to me, maybe peace really is in the journey.  In the chaos, bad news, struggles, hardships, joys, sorrows, laugher, joy….in the process of learning to let go and choose a peaceful state no matter the circumstance one is facing in order to truly appreciate what “being at peace” is all about? I stumbled upon this….

“Peace…..is does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work; it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.”  unknown….

It’s so much easier to be peaceful and happy when all is good in life, but soooooooooooooooooooo much harder when life is just….life.  the doldrums of day-to-day, the sloshing through the blackened snow on the side of the road, the oh my gosh what am I possibly going to pull together for dinner tonight kind of days….

But that’s exactly when we need to center and find peace, right?  Who isn’t peaceful when the sun is shining and you’re sitting on the beach relaxing with your family/friends and drinking a cold beverage?  But if everyday was like that, would we really appreciate the good days?  I’m told “no”….I’m not totally sure I buy it…..but maybe?

So….what do we do? Surrender to January blahs?  Or actively work towards finding that inner peace?

Certainly the path towards peace is different for everyone one, but what is sorta helping me right now get through this horribly dreary month is:

• Baking.  Who knew I’d have such an urge to bake even being on a mostly juice fast/feast? I know baking is my way of giving to others, it is my art form if you will, and I find peace in doing for others.  Easy.
• Yoga.  Still wonderful calming and I’m still horrible although ever so slightly not as horrible at doing it.  I still have tears at the end of each workout and proud of the inner calm and meditative state I am able to achieve each workout.  Thankful to Kacee for great yoga sessions and keeping me motivated.
• Running.  Yes, still running.  Not far right now (though I really need to up my miles soon as the marathon I’m scheduled to run isn’t going to run itself).
• Prayers.  Listing to music.  Tasting new vegetable juice combinations.  Making my own sweet potato baked fries.  Playing fetch with my wonder dog, Layla.  Driving Miss Gloria.  Wearing cool boots.  My new “26.2” bracelet made by my running friend Tanya.  LOVE IT! Watching the snow fall.  Listening to clients in session and feeling honored that I’m the one person in the world they are able to confide in, and watching the process begin to transform their life. Breakfast with friends.  Tea with friends.  Helping my mom get ready for a family party and calm her down in the midst of the chaos.  Hugging my teenage son and feeling him sink into my hug.  Getting my hair done and return back to its natural color (ha).  Texting silly banter with friends.  Listening to my youngest son giggle with his friends…..

5 minutes….a simple exercise to sit still and think…what brings me peace?  Am I choosing to focus on those things, or the negativity that surrounds us in our world, whether we invite it or not.  It’s a choice.  Today….what are you choosing?

Final thought…perfect for today….”Don’t let the behaviors of others destroy your inner peace.” Dalai Lama.

Peace and Happy Tuesday……

Ode to running…..2013

When people ask me: (1) why I run or (2) isn’t it cold or (3) how can I do run when it snows or (4) isn’t it boring or (5) why do you run again?  The answer occurred to me yesterday….Want to guess where?  Of course…running.

Ode to Running……

2013 has brought to me many challenges as a runner.  Intertwined with my personal and professional life, running has been a place for me to process all the changes that have occurred over the past year, including but not limited to my career change & my husband in an intensive MBA program.  As a runner, I’ve continued to struggle with chronic pain issues and the impact that has on my performance for races.  Emotionally more than anything.

But what I’ve learned over this past year, is I’m strong.  I am not fast.  I am not proficient or graceful or amazing at running, but I’m determined and stubborn and strong as a runner (and yes, as a person.) Thank you running, for reminding me. 

So, as my husband & I set out for a run together…WAIT!  Stop the presses!  We what?  We rarely run together. And by rarely, I literally can count on one hand how many times we have run together over the past 8 years since I began this journey.  But as the snow was starting to settle on our cold winter town, and the thought of our later day plans loomed (complete with dinner and drinks= calories galore!), the question was posed “Do you want me to run with you?” and I quickly, without much thought responded “yes.”

This may not seem like a momentous decision, but a major reason I don’t run with him is my insecurity with running slower.  While I have run for longer than my husband, he is by far a better athlete and thus, the thought of running with him (or any other faster runner) instantly challenges my thoughts of myself as a runner and whether or not I am “worthy enough” to call myself a runner.

But 2013 has taught me that I don’t have to be the fastest runner to hang with the big kids.  I’m grateful to my Dances with Dirt team (Ted, Walter, Hoff, and Mt. Gay) for pushing me to run my fastest times in a challenging course and being proud of me no matter what. With our very generous race handicap, we finished 88th out of 400some teams.  Age/gender do have advantages, finally.

Somewhere in recesses of my mind, the confidence gained from that race experience allowed me to run Thanksgiving day with my new friend Stefanie, an uber fast and much younger runner, and be ok with the fact that on that day, I indeed was holding her back but the journey was in the run, not the destination.  The pre-2013 running me would have declined the opportunity to run with her.  What a shame, as it was one of the best conversations I’ve had in quite some time.

Finally, the pre-2013 running me wouldn’t sign up for a marathon if I knew I had to run it by myself.  Silly, really, because here’s a not-so-secret thought…..in a marathon…. WE ALL RUN IT BY OURSELVES.  No one can run it for you.  So after running Marine Corps this year by myself (not by design….but by mass confusion) and without music because my headphones broke after 2 songs, I realized, I can run by myself.  I don’t prefer it but I can do it.  2014, I will be running the Berlin Marathon.  While I will not none of my running friends by my side, the 20+ people I’ve inspired to run a full or half marathon (yes, Tanya I did count in my head) will be with me in spirit and help me continue on when I want to quit….or think “am I really a runner?”

So on that snowy run….I found a gentle smile growing across my face.  The cold air, the slippery snow, the slower pace…none of it bothered me as I was, for the first time in a while, able to really, truly, embrace the moment and find peace….in my wintery journey….

Love….this quote “It is good to have an end to journey toward, but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” Ernest Hemingway.

Peace…and happy running or whatever you find yourself doing on your journey today….

 

peace….and 5 simple steps I’m committing to do, TODAY!

Ever have someone say something to you, seemingly innocent, yet it appears to hang suspended in space like one of those thought bubbles in a comic strip?

A few weeks ago, I had that happen.

I have a client named “John”, who struggles with chronic depression, and has challenged me weekly in my clinical skills to help him elevate his depression.  Some clients, I am able to “read quickly” and thus delve into the process quite quickly.  While he has attended sessions with me every week, without fail, the process has been painfully slow.  No matter what technique I pull from my proverbial therapy bag, he meets me with resistance and almost literally digs his feet in more deeply into his depression as if to “convince” me his life really is as crappy as he tells me it is.

In therapy, a therapist/client boundary exists,  where little of the therapist’s life is discussed in the therapy session (after all, they aren’t paying to hear our shit! ha)…..but at the end of this particular session….. John turns to me and says this…. “Alright “Little Mary Sunshine”…. how do you stay so positive all this time?”….. stopping me in my tracks.

“Little Mary Sunshine” ?

You see, I guess I don’t really see myself that way.  And really, it startled me a little that he (and soon I learned others) see me that way.  In sessions, it is important for me to help people see their strengths and ability to take back some control in their life when many people are feeling powerless.  That is my role.

On this day, I decided to use my own experiences as a way to help him.  I turned to him and shared this…. “John, just because I strive to stay positive about things doesn’t mean my life is perfect.  I choose to focus on things/people who make me happy because it just feels better…..and I work at it.  Every Day.”

From that session on….. he has taken care of things he has been procrastinating on doing, and reports to me that he just feels better.  Miracle!  Or is it really?

Isn’t that what we all want?  To know we aren’t alone in our grief or sorrow or despair? To know that someone else has been there, and found a way to peace and happiness?

Fast forward a few weeks, in discussion with a friend of mine, it was brought to my attention that I’ve been “off” lately…in a funk so to speak, again.  Sigh….really?  How did I not see this with my tell-tale signs of eczema for the past few months, return of my friend named insomnia and increase in my stress and anxiety? Guess those signs weren’t clear enough for me.  Sigh…..

So today, I decided, again, to put into place what I preach to clients all. the. time.

Find path towards peace…

“Peace is the only battle worth waging.” Albert Camus. 

5 Things I tried today:

• Practiced my calming breathing techniques I utilize in practice with clients.  It works.  Taking 5 deep, slow, calming breaths.  It’s amazing how calming this simple technique truly is.
• Did a speed workout at the gym and then took the wonder dog Layla out for a run.  Research supports the connection between exercise and overall stress reduction.  Visit www.mayoclinic.com for more information on this connection. And anytime I can spend with my dog makes me happy.
• Sat for a moment and watched the snow fall.  Really.  When was the last time you took a moment and looked at the intricacies of snowflakes?  Truly beautiful.

• I put makeup on, blew my hair out, and got dressed for the day knowing I don’t even have anywhere to go for HOURS.  But I truly feel taking care of myself on the outside makes me feel better on the inside.  Yes, it’s an effort on days I don’t work but I can honestly say, I never, ever go without makeup or doing my hair.
• I meditated.  Replacing the negative thoughts I have on what’s stressing me out, with the known coping skills I have that I’m not using to control what I can, and let go of what I cannot.  It is work, and I encourage clients to do this all the time, and feel like I’m a better therapist when I force myself to do the things I ask my clients to do daily.  And yes, it works.

5 things.  Simple.  And yes, today I feel far more peaceful than I did yesterday.  What’re you committed to doing today?

One last quote….”If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else.” Marvin Gaye. 

Love it.

Peace, and Happy Tuesday.

Peace….and gratitude. How do you get prepared for Thanksgiving?

 

This Thursday, I will not be vacationing anywhere exotic, I will not be at a fancy gourmet restaurant (or serving a gourmet meal).  I will not be surrounded by the trendy or famous our exclusive list of who’s who in America.  I will not be dressed in haute couture, nor will I be toasting with expensive or exquisite spirits.  What will I be doing on Thanksgiving?

Giving thanks….for all that I do have, and hopefully showing gratitude to all friends/family who I am able to celebrate the holiday with this year.

I will get up early to start dinner, and will run with our kids and friends of our kids in a “sometimes annual” Turkey Day Fun Run (in lieu of the HUGE Turkey Trot in our town.)  We will toast with some sort of beverage, and eat some goodies, all justified because we just ran!  I hope our efforts to have this as a tradition for our kids will be an example of the need to find balance in life…..hard work (running) and fun (celebrating with food/drinks).  I’m grateful for our kids and our friends (and family) most of all in life.  Without them, nothing else matters.   Really, nothing.

Dinner and our table are filled with memories and symbolism….. is yours?

We will then move to the meal portion of the day…..my favorite part.  The preparing, the planning, setting the table, and then, of course, the eating….

• We will be at home, crammed around a table we bought when we first moved into this house.  No where exotic.
• We will be eating a meal prepared by me, my mom, and my mother in law.  None of us are gourmet cooks, but everything we prepare is prepared with love.
• Our guest list varies each year- sometimes friends- sometimes a mixture of sides of the family.  This year, it’s just us and my parents and mother in law.  But our home is open…..so if you know anyone who needs a place, I’d be honored.
• I don’t even really know what haute couture is, but I’m pretty certain I own nothing that is.  I will, however, be dressed in up as a nod to feeling honored by the company I am keeping on Thursday.
• Wine/champagne shall always accompany our Thanksgiving dinner, but decisions on what to serve are dictated far more by what I like and affordability than vineyard or year or undertones or hints of whatever is in my beverage.

We will have: (traditional fixings, and the following……)

• Turkey- placed on a “Turkey” serving dish from my step mother in law.  Because she cannot be with us, her dish serves as a reminder of her love.
• Pierogies, Dill Pickle Soup, Challah bread, horseradish, and Kielbasa.  Honoring my  Polish heritage, and in memory of all our family who are no longer with us.
• Sweet Potato Casserole- a recipe given to me from a former co-worker.  It has become a family favorite, and I think of her grace and beauty and kindness every time we serve this dish.
• Flowers- my mother in law always brings the most gorgeous center pieces.  It is something I never remember to do, and she never ever forgets.
• Table cloth & napkins- custom designed from my mom. I am grateful for her talent and instilling in me the importance of setting a pretty table for family meals.
• Depressions Glass- from my grandma and my aunt (both sides of family).  I have no idea if it’s valuable or not, but I LOVE it.  I LOVE that generations of my family have eaten on the same dishes, I love that it speaks to a simpler time of life, and I love how beautifully delicate the dishes are.  Of everything I put on the table, I love these the most.

Quote for the day “feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” William Arthur Ward.

This gives me something to think about before I develop my Thanksgiving list- of all that I’m grateful for in 2013.

 

 

 

 

peace….and what’s wrong with a 26.2 sticker on your car?

A friend of mine told me about an article he read in the Wall Street journal entitled           “Ok, you’re a runner, get over it.”, asking me what I thought about it. The author had very strong opinions about the 26.2 stickers or magnets many marathon runners put on their cars.  Perhaps not shockingly, I did have an opinion.

http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702304448204579186401818882202

In case you don’t read the article, the author dislikes the 26.2 stickers that many marathon runners display on their cars (signifying the distance of all marathons), so much so he felt the need to write (and the Wall Street Journal published) an article on it.

My question would be, why does he care? And how is this newsworthy?

How many cars do I pass with stickers on the back displaying how many kids/pets they have in their family?  Do I have the stickers on my car?  No.  But do I defend their right/desire to display on their cars/minivans?  Absolutely!  Do I write an entire article on it, Um…no.

How many people have their alma maters on their license plates or back window?  Do I?  Yes….Ok, I have very strong opinions about my alma mater (University of Dayton)….Is that OK? Would said author have an issue with this as well?  Perhaps because it’s an “accomplishment” the author would have less of an opposing opinion to it?  Perhaps he would view it as something “worthy” to boast?

Well, to him I say this……have you ever trained for and run a marathon?  Have you sacrificed going out with friends, getting up early, going to bed early, focused on a goal for months and months and struggled with pain in order to achieve a goal?

Do I think one should celebrate that accomplishment and be able to tell others about it?  ABSOLUTELY!

One comment in response to the article states ….. (paraphrasing)….the stickers are much more related to the “community” of runners than to “boast” about what one has done.  I couldn’t agree more.  It’s like a “runners” flag of sorts.  Everyone who has trained for and run a marathon knows it’s hard work, and takes a certain amount of dedication and perseverance.  I’m perplexed why this would evoke negative feelings from anyone?

Why all the hating?

If he/she wants to put a “0.0” sticker on his/her car and be proud he/she doesn’t exercise (except I suspect this has much more to do with the distaste of the “26.2” stickers than over pride of “not” exercising or running….but ok) then have it!  But by all means, do not hate on people for accomplishing a goal.  For every person I’ve inspired to start running, contemplate running, run beside, watched crossed the finish line or obtain a PR (personal best), I wholeheartedly support your putting whatever sticker or magnet on your car,  wearing whatever running achievement garb you have, or getting whatever tattoo you want to celebrate!  And Wow am I thankful that I live in such a country that allows (and hopefully encourages me) to do so.

Peace…..and Happy Running……

peace…..and get it together man! (or woman)

My mind has been all over the place for the past few days, wondering my own path or direction in life and no sooner than I start down this convoluted path, I am reminded I am never alone….for God is right there by my side and guiding me when I feel lost. I have received several poignant reminders this week, and I’m grateful….

I try to embark this philosophy or spiritual belief on others, in my personal life (ESPECIALLY with my family) and with clients, without coming off as all-knowing or a holy roller because on both accounts I am not!  Not even close.  But when I think of hardships or struggles in life, I think Oh MY Gosh, I am so happy I have faith because I’m not sure I could do it alone!  Believing there is some greater purpose in all of our hardships, sorrows, struggles, grief, and pain helps me to focus beyond myself and see the bigger picture.

I want to be a faster runner.  I not so secretly wish I was a Boston Qualifier/Finisher runner like my husband and my best friend, but sadly I am not.  Does that make me stop running and give up my dream all together “just because I am not a Boston Qualifier/Finisher” runner, yet?  NO way!  Looking at the purpose in all that happens to us in life supports my belief that perhaps there is a greater reason and lesson for me to understand or learn in being a mid packer at best?

This past week I received a very kind email from a reader of my blog, whom I’ve never met, saying “you told my story” in essence in reference to my struggle in the last marathon.  While my heart sank to know another struggles with pain and wanting to do better in something he/she loves, I am proud that my disclosure of my own struggles helps another to know he/she is not alone.

One of my favorite quotes, perhaps I’ve written before, reads “nothing great is ever achieved without much enduring”.…. the motto from my sorority days….Go Theta Phi Alpha at University of Dayton…At the time I didn’t understand the meaning behind those words like to do today (many, many years later…sigh….) Nothing great, nothing that matters really in our life, comes without word.  Period.  How I wish that I had a magic wand to make things all better for others, or how I wish that life was just easy…but it isn’t.  And no matter how much I want it to be that way, simply wanting it to be different from it is does nothing to change that reality.  Nothing.

When I look at my kids and they’re struggling in school to get the grades they want to have…I want them to remember those words.

When I look at my kids and they’re upset because something they want in life isn’t coming easy….I want them to remember those words.

When I look at my kids and there is a problem I cannot fix because they’ve growing up too gosh darn quickly…..I want them to remember those words….

It isn’t what happens in life that matters as much as how we choose to respond to it.

Today is the only time you get to experience today…what are you going to do with it?

Peace and Go out and live the life you’ve been dreaming of and Never, ever let anything stand in the way of your dreams.

Peace…..and reflections from the Marine Corps Marathon (2nd Edition)

Peace….yes, I feel much more peaceful as the days have passed since I finished the MCM.

Grateful to my friends who helped put my achievement in perspective as being just that, and achievement.  And while I am not content with my finishing time, focusing on that as my “sole” indicator of success seems to be missing the bigger picture.  Thank you to everyone who has helped me to see that again.  It was only a few days that I was off course on my journey towards peace….that’s not too bad, right?

So, reflections….the good, the bad & the ugly.

The “bad & the ugly”, I’ll do first as I don’t want to end on this note.  

• Package pickup.  The only thing I can say was thank God it wasn’t raining.  It was a seemingly endless maze of runners waiting intertwining lines only to pick up your “bib number” and then have to go in another line to get into the expo.  Only to find out that the one item you wanted as a memento and sign of accomplishment, the coveted “finishers jacket” in a beautiful pink with MCM 2013 on the front/back was sold out in every size but XS.  What?  Yes…. after a bit of sulking, and “are you seriously kidding me?”…… we left after purchasing some arm sleeves (which came in handy during the race), throw away gloves, and a runner’s belt for my husband.  Sad.  Frustrated.  But thinking, what can you do?  Life.  2 1/2 hours to pick up one’s bib and new mock-turtle neck running shirt that I’m certain I’ll never wear….but registered and ready to go.
• Music.  I often run sans music, but in a marathon, I have it for back up.  Might be a good idea of I make sure my headphones are working as they literally broke 2 songs into the race, and I was faced with running the entire marathon without tunes to occupy my mind.
• Lost my running friend in race.  Oh where oh where did you go at mile 6?  In the sea of people headed for Gatorade and water, she was lost, and there I was….looking at 20.2 miles alone with just. my. thoughts.  A very scary place.

The Good:  Because it was mostly Good!

• Starting line.  Before the race started, marines jumped out of planes with parachutes (thank goodness) and unraveled American and Marine Corps flags.  The sight was stunning.  Dramatic.  And made me so proud of our beautiful flag and for all that it represents.
• We’re off…. a gigantic cannon, called a howitzer, instead of a starting gun signifies the start of the race.  For all the military buffs out there, this is a very cool way to start a race.
• Crowds! Everywhere.  There were very few parts on the entire course where people were not present.  As a runner, I cannot express my thanks enough for people who get out and cheer us on at races.  For all your “you’re looking great”, when I’m quite certain I do not, or “you’re almost there” when I know I have miles and miles left to finish, or the “keep it up!”….I say thank you.  When I want to quit, I am reminded there are others there who are pushing me to continue.
• Random music of crowd….Many mini-boom boxes were along the course, playing just the sort of music one would want on say, his/her iPod if perhaps the headphones were working (Ok, I’m still a little disturbed by this)….but my absolute favorite was the spontaneous and random rendition of “You are my sunshine” that broke out among runners as we passed under an overpass….I used to sing that to my boys when they were younger and it made me tear up.
• Sights……on course, you run by Georgetown University, several times by the Washington Monument, The Smithsonians, The Capital Building and countless other stunning views/sights along the way.  If I was going to “not” have music or a running buddy on the way, this would be the course to do it because quite frankly, I was distracted most of the way….
• Hand Cyclists….of all the races I’ve run, I’ve never seen as many.  When I wanted to quit, and yes, there were many moments, I would suddenly hear “on your left” and look back so see a soldier who was an amputee doing this very challenging course…. I would then think to myself “I have nothing to complain about and keep on running….” Humbling.
• The Marines…..totally separate category and by far the most memorable part of the race.  From the “yes ma’am” or the uniforms or the American flags EVERYWHERE, it wasn’t lost on anyone present (I’m sure, I didn’t take an official poll on this) how profound the patriotic spirit was for this race.  Two moments stand out in my mind from race day:  (1) Running by photos/bios of soldiers who died in combat, followed by a sea of American Flags that lined the street where we were running…. it was SILENT as we passed by.  SILENT.  Not a person said one work for the half mile or so of this portion of the race.  Nothing. Rather, for me it was a time to reflect, and to remember why we all run.  Because we can.  (2) Receiving medal from a marine, and having him/her salute me and say “good job”…. I was a puddle of tears.  Uncontrollable.  The marines MADE the experience amazing.  I was so proud to be an American, and a marathon runner.

So….as the dust settles this week, I am again proud and peaceful and joyful in the experience.  I got out an ran 2x this week, and signed up for a half marathon in 2 weeks.  And, I found out that I was selected for the Berlin Marathon via the lottery….so I guess my days of running full marathons isn’t over “quite yet”.  Note to self, never make that decision 2 minutes after finishing a race, never, ever a good time to decide…..

Duly noted.

Quote for the day “It’s not so much what happens to us in life that matters, but how we choose to react to it”….. I’ve paraphrased this so I am not exactly sure who coined it. But for me…in reflection of MCM, I think, so I didn’t do my best (or worst), but I did it and now, what can I do to learn and grown and keep on running?

Peace, and Happy Day….

Peace……and where does it go when I’m frustrated with myself? Marine Corps Marathon Edition.

Over 2 weeks have gone by since I wrote a single word on my blog.  2 weeks.  Longest hiatus in over a year.  Pre-marathon anxiety followed by post marathon blues don’t make for very inspirational or peace-filled prophetic thoughts.

After over 2 years off from running a full marathon, I was able to complete the Marine Corps Marathon in DC.  While the experience was filled with such wonderful memories as:

• Visiting with my sorority sister and her new husband (and getting a tour of the Pentagon)
• Seeing the archives of our great country
• Having dinner with our former neighbors
• Eating some terrific food and cooking dinner together with wonderful friends (wait.  Did I do anything other than eat?)
• Being able to run a marathon course surrounded by the Marines!
• Toasting one more race in the books with fellow runners…the best!

Yet, I am filled with frustration……

A friend of mine sent this to me prior to the marathon, and it was oh-so-fitting for race day…..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ItnxJLAOeY

The Marines were awesome.  I have never heard “Yes, ma’am” sound as lovely as it did race day, and I must have heard it 100 times.  The course was beautiful.  The day was perfect for racing, no rain at all.  Yay!  The crowd support was unbelievable…. and the reminders of the fallen and brave soldiers were everywhere.  I would highly recommend MCM to anyone looking to run a marathon. And I completed the 26.7ish miles (yes, it is ALWAYS 26.2 miles for a marathon but my Garmin registered closer to 27miles…details.  details…) And receiving your finisher’s medal from a marine who salutes you, I cannot even describe in words the experience.  I won’t even try.

So why am I left feeling so melancholy?

I’m proud of myself in an existential way of completing a marathon, but so frustrated that I’m slow.  And my injury (piriformis syndrome) persists.  No matter how much I spend in massage therapy or no matter how much I stretch the muscle, I’m not without pain ever and I can’t seem to increase my speed with any sort of significance.

I’m frustrated.

And feel really small even mentioning.  In “theory” I know the important thing is that I attempted to do a marathon, followed by finishing and understand less than 1% of the world’s population finishes a marathon….but in actuality I’m tired of being slow and injured. And for the moment, that consumes my thoughts.

I’m tired of being the cheerleader.  I want to be the one who runs a GREAT race.  I want to be the one who is able to decrease her time.  Is that small of me?

I don’t like being on the end of the stick of needing support or encouragement.  I like (by nature of being a social worker) being the one who does the encouraging and supporting….but with my fourth finish and a somewhat mediocre one at that, I really needed to accept support this time. I dislike every painful minute of needing encouragement.

My best friend sent me the most lovely text yesterday…..responding to my frustration about my performance….

“humans haven’t found a way to measure what’s important. They use numbers because they’re unimaginative.” 

I love you Erin….and am so thankful God sent you in my life.  Thank you for helping me to focus, and one day believe (just like the weight on my scale) I am more than just the weight I read in numbers, and more than my marathon finishing time.

On Facebook, I follow RUNinspiration.  Yesterday, I read the following….

“comparison is hurtful.  Run YOUR miles at YOUR speed.  Run YOUR race; run for YOUR reasons.  Do not compare yourself or your running to anyone else’s.  Be inspired by others; let their passion for running fuel your desire–Do not let it make you feel less than or doubtful.  It’s you vs you.  And your miles, your reasons, your pace….they matter.  YOU are an inspired runner.  Keep running.” 

My friend and fellow running coach Dave (also my spiritual big brother) reminded me he had said these very similar words to me a month or so ago…..

Sigh……

I don’t feel peaceful.  I don’t feel settled.  I don’t feel joyous in my accomplishment.  But I believe with the blessing of great friends, and my love for running, I will one day soon get there….

Think tomorrow, I’ll start my day again with a run……

Peace, and happy running……

peace….and running in “Pure Michigan”

The Pure Michigan title will most certainly sway some of my routine Ohio (aka Michigan haters) readers away from this edition of the blog, but it’s all I’ve been thinking about this week.  It is so beautiful running outside this time of year.  Pure Michigan.  I hope they’ll read anyway…..

I admit, my opinion may be slightly skewed.  Because I’m in “taper mode” awaiting the Marine Corps Marathon, and finally have the increased confidence of “yes, I may actually be able to do this thing” setting in upon me, I feel very peaceful and prepared for the next few weeks.  However, that can’t be all of it.  I’m enjoying each and every step of my running and it’s been so long since I wrote those words and even longer since I could actually say that without hesitation or an asterisk of “well, except for the pain I have in my leg”….I am almost giddy thinking about it.

New found confidence and slight bias in mind, I set out Sunday for the reunion tour with most of the DWD team (Dances with Dirt) to run a 12ish mile trail run in glorious  Michigan.  Ted, Walter, Hoff, and I (aka Fiona or Red) began in a cool, crisp and perfect fall morning.  The leaves were such a brilliant display on the trees they would make a Paul Cezanne painting jealous!

Thoughts from the run……

• I was able to keep pace with the guys!  No way!  (I not so secretly know they were slowing their pace to accommodate me….but I was increasing mine to more closely meet theirs and not dying off!  Small victory.
• I had very little pain in my leg (or a– more specifically).  Newton Running Shoes?   Massage?  Better running form? Rest?  Motrin?  Who knows.  But keep it coming!
• Deer don’t really seem all that afraid of humans, or maybe we all looked harmless in our running and not hunting gear?  Awe…how pretty the deer was!
• In the frantic pace of life so many of us keep, isn’t it wonderful to spend 2+ hours with friends talking about life and “whatnot”?  (Life really isn’t whatnot but those who were teens in the 80s may get my social reference….)
• I am so grateful I’m a runner……

Running has done more for my pursuit of peace in my life than anything else I can articulate.  It is not because it comes easy to me.  On the contrary, I believe I defy the laws of nature as my freakishly short legs lumber along rather than glide like I see many others do.  Still, I persist.  And in my stubborn pursuit, I find pride in my continuation towards something that doesn’t come easy to me, and even more so in my marathon running (something less than 1% of the world’s population does.)

Recently, when I was talking to my Dad about the DWD race and how his little girl (ok, I’m not so “little anymore” but to him, I will forever be) was running in the woods, over fallen trees, through mud/muck/etc, up/down hills with a bunch of guys for miles and miles and miles…… He looked at me, almost not sure how to respond….slowly a smile grew across his face to which he said “you sure are different”…….

20+ years ago, I loathed those words.  I hated feeling different and an outsider with my peers.  Today, I LOVE that I have the courage to do things that are difficult, that are out of my comfort zone, with people who aren’t in my inner circle, and LOVE being different!

If I chose the easy route, I wouldn’t know what I’m capable of achieving, I wouldn’t know how strong I really am, and I certainly wouldn’t have found the great group of friends I now have in my increased running circle.  It isn’t in taking the easy or known path that I, or we, grow, but in doing what is difficult and taking the path unknown. 

“There are risks and costs to action.  But they are far less than the long-range of comfortable inaction.”  John F. Kennedy. 

There are risks in life.  But as Hoff said “you can’t sit by the sidelines of life”…….brilliant!

A few more weeks, the trees in this lovely state will be barren of the kaleidoscope of leaves……get out there while you can and enjoy running or hiking or just being wherever you are.

Peace and happy running……

Peace…..and my love for my dog, Layla

One of the absolute best decisions my husband and I ever made was to finally decide to get a dog.  Yes.  Yes.  Our kids were the absolute BEST but a very, very close 2nd is our dog.  Our beautiful “canine daughter” is our 2-year-old fawn boxer named Layla  I am utterly in puppy love with her.

We joke we decided to have kids first, you know the “easy stuff”, and see how we did with them before we decided to try to have a dog.  I’m not sure our kids think it is so funny to view themselves as a parental “experiment”, but I think it’s pretty funny…..

The truth is, we had wanted a dog our entire married life, but for a myriad of reason, it never seemed the “right time” to bring a dog into our lives.  Somehow, we must have been ready and the perfect dog must’ve been ready for us at the simultaneously as we are now, dog owners.  Or she owns us.  I am not sure.

So today, I took Layla out with me for a run.  I’m in taper-mode for Marine Corps Marathon.  Although my runs are now shorter, the truth is I’m really tired and needed motivation today.  I needed to have her with me.

When Layla wasn’t smelling every tree/fire hydrant/bush along the course or scaring herself with her own shadow (she looks intimidating but is really a HUGE wimp!), I was able to truly enjoy the moments of running with her and think about the various ways Layla brings me “peace” and offers me lessons on life.

Lessons learned through the eyes of my dog…..

• Live each day with joy!  (She is the happiest living creature I’ve ever met.  Each day is a joy!)
• Eat when you’re hungry. (She “free eats”, eating only when she’s hungry even though food is always available.  Someone does need to be in the room, too.  She’s a “social eater.”  I’m quite certain, however, that she’s never thought to herself….  “do I look fat in my fur?”)
• Sleep when you’re tired. (She wakes up for the day and then thinks about taking another nap.  Nice.  I want that life!)
• Play well with others.  (She loves EVERYONE.  All dogs.  All people.  Discriminating taste she does not necessarily have, but a lover of all, she definitely is.  And I for one LOVE that about her.  She could teach a world peace seminar just be watching )
• Never miss out on the opportunity to take a walk/run with someone you love.  (No matter how tired I am after a run, or how tired we are at the end of a long work day, Layla is there waiting ever so patiently to go on a walk.)
• Always, always let those you love know, you love them.  (As I walk in the door each day, I never doubt how much she loves and adores me.  Life offers no guarantees of tomorrow, have you told the one you love today how important he/she is to you?)

In the words of one of my all time favorite cartoonists/authors (Ok, I really don’t have a laundry list of these but you will agree, this one is brilliant!), “Happiness is a warm puppy.” Charles M. Schulz. 

Peace & Happy Running today (and if you can run with your dog, do it.  If you don’t have a dog, perhaps borrow your neighbors?  I know mine is always looking for a running friend, and as I stated before, she isn’t incredibly loyal, she’ll run with probably anyone!)

20 days until Marine Corps Marathon!

peace….and doing “small things with great love”

“We cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love.” St. Therese of Lisieux

Yesterday, I started writing in the blog.  Actually finished an entry and it lays in wait in the “draft form.”  It felt contrived and rushed, and so it waits for another day…..Ironically, the quote I used in the context of the blog entry, unrelated in topic, was the one above.  One of my favorites.  Today, St. Therese’s feast day, seems like a perfect day to reflect on one of her most famous quotes.

Who doesn’t remember being a small child and having grandiose ideas of what he/she will accomplish in life?  A week or so ago I was talking late at night with my oldest son, who informed me he had lived roughly “1/5th of his life, and hadn’t accomplished anything.”  Rather deep concept for a 15-year-old, I thought.  Somewhat morose even.  But before I was quick to judge, I fortunately had a albeit brief memory of being his age and thinking to myself “what am I to do with my life” on a fairly regular basis.  I probed more….. “What do you mean?  Can you tell me more?”  Rather than try to analyze or fix or minimize his concerns…I sat and listened.

I left him with a final thought “If you are feeling like you need to do more with your life, like you need to make an impact in this world, figure out what it is and I will support you 100%.  But please, don’t sit by the sidelines waiting for life to happen…get out there and do something great!”

Something great.  Does not mean something grandiose or spectacular, rather something simple but done with great love that makes an impact in our society.

I heard on the news today that a 10-year-old decided he/she wanted to forgo birthday presents this year and instead had friends/family donate to a local police department, so they could buy police dogs bullet proof vests.  Small thing, with great love. 

Anytime someone in our local parish/school is ill or experiencing a difficult time, within moments someone sends out a google doc to sign up to bring meals to the family.  Small thing, with great love. 

When my cousin’s daughter was born with Down’s Syndrome, a now friend of mine (who at the time I really barely knew) made a beautiful blanket for this little girl and my cousins, whom she has never met.  Small thing, with great love.   

Two of our neighbors have experienced hardships over the past year for different reasons, and without fanfare or desire for acknowledgement, my husband, without fail, cuts their lawns so they don’t have to worry about it.  Small thing, with great love. 

This year, as I set out to run my 4th marathon, I will do so in honor of the courageous men, women and children affected by cancer in our community.  Though I cannot cure them, I can run and fundraise money to support our local Gilda’s Club, so no one has to face cancer alone.  Small thing, with great love. 

I hope that our children learn by witnessing in our small acts and those around them, the lesson that all of us are not called to do great things, but we are ALL called to do small things, with great love.

What are you called to do? 

Peace and love.  Happy October 1.  Happy St. Therese Feast Day.  Happy 26 days until Marine Corps Marathon.  Bring it!

****If you are want to support my efforts to support Gilda’s Club, please visit my fundraising page at http://gildasclubmetrodetroit.kintera.org/MichelleTWarren                  If I don’t ask, they don’t receive.  So this is my attempt to do something small, with great love.

peace……and embracing being a dirty, I mean a “dirt” girl…..

Dances with Dirt.  A local race that boasts a 100 mile ultra, 100K ultra, and a 100k relay race.  100k relay race is plenty, thank you, as this race not only has each person of a 5 person relay team running between 10-12 miles, it has you doing so through lakes, rivers, woods, mud bogs, cow pastures, over fallen tree limbs, up/down a dirt ladder up a very steep hill better known as the “stripper pole” leg of the race, and almost certainly leaves you with bumps, scrapes, and copious amounts of dirt and sweat that is completely foreign territory to me at least, but I’d venture to guess most runners or people in general population.

One a year ago this weekend, I was mulling over the idea of starting a blog, focused on my journey with finding peace and balance in my life (running is a huge part of that) and I simultaneously was asked to fill in for the relay team for Dances with Dirt with 4 guy friends at the last minute.

At first I thought they were crazy!  I’m slow…..I’m injured (yes, still)…..and I’m a girl!  Why would they want me on their team?

Put aside that yes, I’m a girl and I’m over 40 and therefore get the team several handicap % points, I prefer to think this in someway is a purposeful stage in my journey towards peace, at least in the running aspect.

Running in trails, and having others depend on me to not totally bonk in the course totally puts me outside of my comfort zone. As a self-proclaimed attempting to be in recovery control freak, this is a difficult position.  However, I have found it to be totally liberating.

“To survive it is often necessary to fight and to fight you have to dirty yourself.”  George Orwell. 

Nice.  that is a perfect explanation for “dirt.”

A lifetime ago, when I was an adolescent, I would’ve NEVER thought I’d be capable of attempting let alone completing this sort of race.  Ok, a few years ago I would’ve had my doubts…..

To that insecure, shy, unmotivated, unchallenged adolescent girl (and all others out there) who was cut from cheer leading, believed she would accomplish little in life, and teased for having “thunder thighs”….. DON’T BUY INTO IT!

• If you don’t make a team, try another sport.  Don’t give up in trying to find your inner athlete, no matter how buried she/he may be. I wish that I had found my path to running when I was a teenager instead of the other less than productive ways to cope with stress/anxiety I had, but as an adult, I cannot imagine my life without the lessons that running has taught me.
• If you’re used to setting for mediocrity, and feel like others around you believe you are incapable of anything more, find others with whom to surround yourself.  Study hard, push yourself, and find a way to build your own success.  If I had bought into the logic of my 5th grade teacher, I’d never have gone to college, or received my Master’s degree in social work, and certainly wouldn’t have been able to admire the finishing medals I have for all my road/trail races.  Yes, I do have them displayed, what else should I do with them?  Take that Mrs. Marx.  Nothing motivates me more, than someone telling me I “can’t” do something……that’s how I found my way to “dirt.”
• If you are teased, embarrassed, insecure about certain parts of your body, find a way to change what you can and embrace what you cannot.  While I wish many days that my freakishly short legs were longer, I know that I am exactly as God intended me to be and I try very hard “most” of the time to work with what I have.  My short stature helped me glide through the forest this past week…..under trees, hopping over fallen limbs, and hop through cow manure and disgusting rivers/run off from farm or whatever body of waterish substance it was….. I’m good…….I’m working with what I’ve got because that’s all I’ve got.  Done.

I wish I knew all that way back when.  Sigh…..

But what I know now, is I’m strong.  I’m stubborn (oh yeah, I knew and most around me knew that long ago).  I’m fierce.  I’m focused.  And I surround myself with some pretty awesome people.

Thank you to Kristi, and Coach V. , and Stefanie for the great referral to Newton Running Shoes.  They are seriously awesome and for once, I see an end in sight, possibly, for my chronic pain associated with my running.  I cannot believe I just wrote those words.

Thank you to Jim, John, George and Joe for allowing me to be part of your “dirt team.”  The dirty, challenging, difficult journey brings me one step closer to Marine Corps Marathon and one step closer to becoming the person I know that I can be.  Continuation in path towards peace…..

Side note:  Funny things observed at Dances with Dirt:

• Men in star outfits with gold speedos worn for a road race.  Never, never should be done.

• Beer tastes better than after you’ve run through mud, dirt, and whatever else the course throws at ya than any other time imaginable.

• Yes, Body Shop, your deliciously fragrant body butters do last through at least one leg of the relay.  Don’t believe me?  I actually had a woman say to me, while running through the woods, “how is it possible that you smell so good after running for so long?” Yep…… apparently not all “stink” smells as bad as other “stinks.” I clearly “stink” quite lovely……laughing…..strange but true story.

• When running in trails, pass on the left and say please and thank you.  Never know when you may need that person to help you up off your a– after you fall.  Yes, another true story.

Time passes…way too quickly….when surrounded by nature, and great friends……

Peace & happy running……..

peace….and running from destiny…..

There is a woman who runs many local running events, at least 30 years older than me, dressed in a leopard print sports bra and matching leopard print boy shorts type of bottoms, and most recently with a leopard headband with ears.  The first time I saw her, it was tough to “not” notice her.  For one, not many people are dressed in as little clothing as her, outside of the elite pool of athletes, and she’s at least 65 years old and running around in a leopard print sports bra and matching boy shorts and running a race.

Ahhh….that’s what I love.  Not so much the outfit she’s wearing, although it does take a significant amount of self-confidence to wear that outfit, but more that she’s running well into 70s and exudes a certain “I am confident and happy with myself” that one can’t help but smile when you see.

Certainly, my therapeutic mind can explain such a display in a much more dysfunctional or narcissistic manner, but for a moment, I’d like to look at it as a person as one who is confident in her own skin and continues to use exercise to assist in that attitude.

That’s my goal!

Ok, maybe I won’t be strutting my stuff in a leopard barely there outfit when I’m in my 70s, but maybe I will?  Maybe I’ll be so self-confident and secure that I’ll have the desire and follow through to do so?

A friend of mine, in response to my complaining about my chronic pain issues, said to me “if it matters to you to do the Marine Corps Marathon, you’ll find a way….”

I thought about it for weeks.  I prayed about it.  God knows, more than anyone, how important running is to me and what it does for my overall well-being.

“if it matters…..you’ll find a way….”

I am sticking to massage.  I am foam rolling (my track kids would be so proud!).  I am stretching (Thanks Emily- massage therapist- for pushing me).  I am cross training.  And….I bought new shoes.  Newton Running shoes. ( http://www.newtonrunning.com)  They are a totally different philosophy, and if interested you can look up the company online, but it all makes sense.  And I ran 3 days last week in them, and then ran on trails and ready for this…….

NO PAIN!

What?  I can hardly believe it myself.  And I am praying and hoping and trying to remain calm, but really need this to be part of my way to keep running….

As I was on a trail run this weekend, with my 4 guy friends who allowed me to join their Dances with Dirt team, I kept thinking….what if this continues? What if my pain subsides and I can continue to run marathons?  Beyond Marine Corps, what if I am just becoming who I am supposed to be rather than running from my destiny?

Weak.  Unathletic.  Injured.  Those messages plague my mind at times when I’m running, and if it weren’t for my incredible stubborn streak and strong will (some think this to be a curse in my personality…..I beg to differ) I fear I’d give in to the thoughts and become a couch potato.

I understand there are things in my life I cannot control, try as I might, but the things I can control, for the betterment of my own health and well-being, isn’t it worth it?

I started my journey with blogging almost a year ago, after my first time running Dances with Dirt.  I remember getting ready for the race and thinking “I’m not sure I can do this.”  I embodied so many things I’m afraid or insecure with in one race.  I’m directionally challenged.  I don’t like getting dirty.  I wish I was faster.  I don’t like “not” being in control.  Yes, there is a theme.  But, I did it anyway.  And when I finished, I found friendship in 4 guys that I probably wouldn’t have had if I chose to let my insecurities prevent me from the opportunity.  I found strength, I didn’t even know I had.  And I found that even if I’m afraid of doing something, it is still important for me to try.  Thank you Jim (Ted), John (Walter), Joe, and George for being there with me for this part of my life journey.

“Some seek comfort in their therapist’s office, others head to the corner pub and dive into a pint. I chose running as my therapy.”  Dean Karnazes, ultra marathon runner.

Shhhhh…don’t tell my clients my secret.  and it isn’t 100% true about the pub part because God and most others know I do enjoy a great (or decent, or mediocre) beer every now and again.  But nothing, nothing, nothing clears my mind quite like running.

Happy running my friends……..

peace….in running through the years….and not being famous for it.

I’m delayed in writing….complicated and irrelevant why but I’m delayed nonetheless.

Running this season has been a mix of emotions from renewed sense of commitment and ambition to frustration and despair.  Let’s hope I can stay more focused on the “commitment and ambition” going forward……

Running with injury undoubtedly adds to the frustration and despair.  I’m proud of myself for honestly being able to report I have (A) gone to massage weekly as I had promised myself.  (B) Foam rolled more the past 2+ weeks than I have my entire life.  And no, it hasn’t been just once.  Funny though.  (C) I have taken it easy of my running to allow myself to heal a little.

Quitting isn’t an option…..And before anyone jumps to the conclusion that I’ve been told to quit by doctors and I’m just too stubborn to heed their suggestions, I NEVER have been told to quit running.  Granted, my doctors are all well aware of what running means to me so perhaps this influences their willingness to work with me to keep me running…..but I can’t be certain.

I reflect back on my son’s question “why do you run if you know you’ll never ‘win’ the race?” that I’ve written about before.  Why do I still think about it? Maybe as my times don’t improve (in fact, they are one minute per mile slower than they were when I started running)…..I become impatient and critical of myself.  Why do I do it if I am never going to at a minimum be able to say I have a “PR” again? 

****PR- personal record.

I wonder…….

• When people join a tennis league, does anyone ever ask them if they’re good enough to play with Serena or Venus Williams?
• When people go out for a round of golf on Saturday, does anyone ever ask them if they’re going to be playing with Phil Mickelson?
• When people are lacing up their soccer shoes to play a game with their friends, does anyone ever ask them if Pele is on the opposing team?  (Ok, with this one, probably not since he is retired……)
• When bicyclist set off for a morning ride, does anyone ask them if they’re headed to the Tour de France?

There is a bit of a difference with running long distance events and all the other sports listed above.  Distance runners are running with elite/professional athletes.  Ok, to be more specific, we all set off at the same time, but that is about the only time that someone of my “racing” caliber is actually “running” with the elites. 

But why does it matter?

• Does the fact that someone who plays tennis on a local league or with friends will likely never reach the level of Serena or Venus Williams make him/her any less of a tennis player?
• Does the fact that someone who is playing a round of golf with friends on Saturday at a local golf course will likely not play at Augusta, let alone with Phil Mickelson, make him/her any less of a golfer?
• Does the fact that someone playing in a social soccer league is more than unlikely to meet up with Pele for a few shots on goal make him/her any less of a soccer (um, ‘football’) player?
• And does someone who goes out and does endless miles on his/her bike, week after week, become any less of a cyclists just because he/she is likely never go to ride in the tour de France?

So why am I so hard on myself?

I grapple with this all the time……Sometimes so much so I wonder if I can even call myself a “runner”……

My PR in the half marathon is 2:05, and my PR in the marathon is 4:46.  Slow.  I understand readers who do not run have absolutely no concept as to whether that is fast or slow, but trust me, it’s not fast.

Here’s an illustration of where I stand in my running speed……When I was running my first half marathon, I ran with a good friend of mine (Jenny)…..We ran most of the race together but somewhere around mile 9 or so, she needed to pull back a little and encouraged (ok, I think it was closer to snapping at me) to go ahead- (hey, you’re tired after running for 9+ miles).  I finished a minute or two earlier than her.  But somewhere between us, in that small amount of time, the “winner” of the FULL marathon was finishing……yes…..he ran 2xs the distance we did in the same time. Have perspective of my running speed now?

But why does it matter?  Sadly, I can’t even keep the pace I could a few years ago, but still….why does it matter?

Running brings me peace.  It does not bring me fame.  It does not bring me fortune.  It does not bring me glory.  It brings me peace. It never did anything other than peace and pride in myself for doing something that is often really, really hard…but I do it anyway.

For all the kids out there who run cross-country and track and will never get the opportunity to cross that finish line first, I hope that I (and all the midpackers out there) are a constant example to you to never, never give up.

After all, for most of us, winning has never been the point anyway…….

Love this quote…..

“Strength does not come from winning.  Your struggles develop your strengths.  When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.” Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“….when you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength”…..beautiful.  When I’m running my 20 mile training run this weekend, no doubt at a snail’s pace, I will be meditating on this very thought.  When I feel weak:  I am strong.

Peace and Happy Friday everyone.  Get out there and do something that makes you strong this weekend……