Why does running the Berlin marathon one year to haphazardly training for the Big 10~ 10K in less than a year seem like the later is even more challenging?
A simple explanation would be piriformis syndrome. (though I’m not sure that’s the entire story….)
Living with chronic pain for nearly a decade has become commonplace. And when asked how I continue to not only deal with the pain issues, but how i manage to continue to run. My answer is easy…..
Stubborn.
I started running when I was in my mid 30s, mostly to reduce stress and be a better mom, wife, social worker, daughter, friend…….etc. In my running, I found peace.
I started running marathons for entirely different reasons. Selfish ones. For once, I wanted to feel what it was like to be an athlete. I wanted to know what my peers had felt growing up, being recognized for their accomplishments and feeling proud.
Running my first marathon in 2006, I felt amazing! Accomplishing something that less than 1% of the world’s population does made me feel strong- powerful- beautiful.
Beautiful? Yes. I finished my first marathon to “Beautiful” by Christina Aguillera. Wanted to finish to “Gonna Fly Now” aka the Rocky Theme, but alas….I was slower than anticipated.
Slower….it seems so relative now but at the time I had this arbitrary time set in my mind that a marathon runner “should” finish his or her race. Since then, I’ve not even come close to hitting my goals.
Taking a step back from marathon running feels like I’m quitting. As if I am abandoning all my goals and giving up. Sure…I can still run, yes, I have pain, but my drive to run another marathon seems to be fleeting. How can I still call myself a “runner” if I can’t run marathons?
Fast forward……… in yoga class today, listening to the beautiful and eloquent yoga teacher talk about “messages” yoga teachers send to students and messages we give ourselves, I practiced quietly and remained focused on the “message” of the day (ironically on the concept of “message”) and repeatedly reminded myself to let go of my expectations and just be…..I struggled. And for a significant portion of class was close to having tears streaming down my face. And in some strange way, it’s exactly what I needed.
I should back up…..I LOVE yoga. And I HATE yoga. Much like running, it’s a reminder to me of my inadequacies and challenges, and yet it teaches me patience and acceptance. The yin and yang of life.
I want so badly to be a fast runner….instead I’m a runner plagued by injury and probably too many lbs. to be ‘fast.’ However, over the nearly decade now I’ve been running….I’ve inspired many to run and raised awareness and money for charity, so perhaps the “message” all along I was to understand was of the importance of giving to others.
I want so badly to learn how to do the perfect handstand and slim down to a waify-yoga like body (yes….we all know what a “waify-yoga like body” looks like) instantly! Nearly 2 years into practice, I confront my fears of inversions each time I practice, and although I have built muscle where running alone did not provide, I am FAR from waify-like and still shutter each time I hear one of my beloved teachers say “let’s practice (insert inversion).” But each class….I hear a reinforced message of being in the moment and continuing to try to find peace with myself. Perhaps that’s the message I was to learn, and to share with others.
Life is like that……wanting desperately for one thing and getting something entirely different. Trying to control the outcome, and missing the entire journey. I LOVE and HATE when that happens…..
So preparing for this week’s Big 10~ 10k, all lubed up with my latest concoction of essential oils called “pan away”, my newest model of Newton running shoes (also an effort to reduce the pain in my leg) and my desperate attempt to remember to charge my iPod shuffle in attempt to have something to distract me as I run the race on my own……my hope is that I remember this……feeling like this relatively short 10k will feel like a marathon this week. Some events/races/life situations are that way, right?
And although I’d like to have that journey include getting a medal for my race accomplishments or practice the perfect handstand……. maybe that isn’t my journey today, and maybe that isn’t the message I’m supposed to be receiving or sending today? Maybe, perhaps…..I’m but a participant on this path I have yet to fully understand, but for now my only lesson is to trust, to persevere, and to find peace…….
Someone asked me after I wrote this original draft “why does it matter if I run anymore marathons” as I’ve run 5 already. “Run” may be a relative term for some of my races, but….I digress…..
I was reminded of conversations I had with a friend/professor who was diagnosed with stage IV cancer, years ago. It wasn’t so much the diagnosis that was troubling to him at the time, rather what it meant in his life. This brilliant man, who not only had his PhD but decided to get his MSW to teach in the social work department on the university level, took much pride in his intellect and particular ability to understand and more importantly teach statistics to those of us who struggled with the subject. He was PASSIONATE about statistics. PASSIONATE about the capabilities his brain could comprehend. And here I listened on the phone as the metastasis in his brain made it increasingly difficult for him to remember if he had taken his latest meds, or eaten earlier in the day. The cancer was affecting what he loved to do most in life….and there as nothing he could do about it.
I’m in NO WAY comparing my pathetic little problems to my dear friend’s very real and fatal ones. However, my comparison is in an effort to understand how a problem affects us sometimes is more troubling that the problem in an of itself. So perhaps….our “message” is to be still…and listen to what the “problem” is our life is able to teach us.
“Peace is that state in which fear of any kind is unknown.”
May you find peace today…and always….. and Go Green!
(for a day, I will be a Spartan. My beloved UD flyers are not in the Big 10)
peaceinthejourney 