Peace….in new vacation mode…..

Ok, really who can’t find peace while on vacation?

• No work- unless you count checking email or conference calls that can sometimes interrupt one’s vacation?
• No deadlines- unless you count dinner reservations?
• No constricting “work clothes”- unless of course you are a therapist like me and opt for flow-y skirts and dresses whenever possible- vacation or not?
• No responsibility- unless you count the responsibility to wear sunscreen, watch out for sharks (yes, I’m slightly obsessed with watching out for them, even on land…), trying to get your kids to eat at least 1 serving of fruits/vegetables on vacation?

After 10 days of being on vacation mode, traveling nearly 3,000 miles to/from and out/about….the things I remember most about vacation aren’t “things” at all, but rather feelings I had while on the journey.

It’s easy to remember the mini golf game, or fantastic restaurants where we were able to eat, the excitement of the amusement park and the grandeur of the beach.  However, to me….I keep reflecting on the feelings I had just sitting and being present in the moment.

One aspect of self I struggle with the most is my struggle to just be present in the moment.  My family can attest I often have a list in my head of at least a dozen things that need to get done or where I need to be, often prohibiting me from really enjoying just being.  Prior to vacation, I consciously thought to myself, I need to cherish the moments.  Not the spectacle of it all, but the moments.  My kids are getting older…..will there be a day they won’t want to go on vacation with me?  My parents are getting older…there will be a day….when they won’t be here to vacation with me.  Gulp.

As I sat on the beach, instead of putting on my iPod and checking out to wherever I go when I’m stressed out….I really watched my kids/parents play in the surf and sand.  I got up and went into the ocean, instead of taking that nap that I would’ve maybe been more inclined to take in the past. With my somewhat irrational fear of sharks (and yes, I felt like I had a few scares over the week), it is nothing short of a miracle that I got into the water this year.

When I went for a run, even with my Garmin on to track my distance, I let go of the need to have a specific pace and went without my music to really listen to the sand and sea and people around me.  I took time to notice the smells and the feeling of the thick/humid air on my skin and in my lungs.

I really tried to put my phone in my purse or in the condo and tried to focus on just being with my family.  That alone…..is a miracle.  It’s amazing when one really focuses on the sweetness of the sound of a giggle or takes time to really listen to what it’s like to be a 15-year-old in this era….or what it’s like living as a 69 and 71-year-old and adjusting to retirement……

I often go on vacation thinking that I will find answers to questions that are swirling around in my head (not just “now” but this is an omnipresent process)……and like vacations of past, no clarity was really achieved this week for me but the feeling of knowing that whatever path I or my family takes is exactly where we are supposed to be is exactly what I needed to gleam from my time away.

There is something sacred about being able to stare out into the vastness of the sea, and knowing that all creatures and people and time and space are somehow interconnected…..the peace that I look for in life can be summed up in that very moment when I close my eyes and feel myself surrounded in, well….peace…….

peace…in cancer, and running, and finding “purpose” in it all….

I fight it.  My connection to cancer.

For over than 20 years, cancer has been a prominent player in my life.

Relative to my peers, I’ve known an inordinate number of people with cancer.  I’ve discussed blood counts, treatment side effects, bodily functions, sexual dysfunctions, and far too often death so often the topics have become commonplace.  Never easy, but commonplace.  Who knew there were so many ways to describe one’s bathroom experiences?

For more reasons that I cannot explain, I needed a change and wasn’t sure how to achieve change, so I left my job…..

Going into private practice, I thought I’d achieve that change and the emotional toll would be eliminated.  In doing so, I’d find a new purpose in life.

I’m still searching….

Maybe I’m impatient?

Someone asked me recently if it mattered that I had a “purpose” in life….I quickly and easily responded, YES!  Quite frankly, I was perplexed that one would even ask.  Do others go through life without a “purpose”?  Really?

For years, my purpose was clearly my passion as an oncology social worker.   And running.  And fundraising with my running. And motivating others to run and sometimes fundraise- and always for cancer support/awareness.  Over the past year, I’ve tried to distance myself from the world of cancer and fundraising.  I’m too tired.  I’m too overworked.  I’m too…something…..Crazy thing is…..in doing so, my passion for running has wavered too!  Who knew?

I’m stubborn.  Deep down I already knew.

They’re all interconnected.  I will never finish first in a marathon, or first in my age group, or quite possibly never revisit my personal best times as my age/injuries/abilities increase/persist.  I’ve redefined my goal in a marathon as praying my wheels don’t fall off and I don’t crash and burn!  Running does not come naturally to me, having a greater sense of “purpose” in my training runs and races gives me the strength to continue when I feel like quitting.

I recognize that non-runners might be thinking…um, why don’t you just not run?  I don’t have a simple (ok, or any) answer for that question.  Other than “I’m a runner…I must run.” (Team “WTF” understands, I’m sure….)

So why have I been fighting this?

At a fundraising event last week, yes, as you might have guessed for my former employer, it all came flooding back to me…the memories of all the brave men/women/children I’ve known over the years with cancer…the lessons they’ve taught me about life….the laughter…the tears…the not knowing what is going to happen in life and finding a way to be still in the moment…..the pride I felt for being part of that community for so long…..

One of my all time favorite quotes is this….maybe I’ve said it before?  It’s so worth re-writing…

“I wanted a perfect ending.  Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end.  Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.  Delicious Ambiguity.” Gilda Radner.

Wonder if I found some purpose in my life again?

While I may not know what’s going to happen next in my life….and anyone who knows me knows that drives me crazy!  (Yes, I know I have some “control” issues)…..I know there is one thing I can do to start re-instilling some passion and purpose in my life….

Run.  Fundraise.  Encourage others to do so too for my favorite charity, Gilda’s Club Metro Detroit.  It’s what I know.  Just writing it makes me smile and ready to take on the hundreds of miles in training that await me…..

Quote for the night….”Man (or Woman) is only great when he (or she) acts from passion.” Benjamin Disraeli

Peace……..