Embracing the Change in Holiday Traditions

My childhood Thanksgivings were filled with tradition, most of which revolved around the patriarch and matriarch of our family, my grandparents.  While the food spread looked similar to the above, the setting was far less fancy.

My grandparents lived in a modest bi-level house, surrounded by old apple trees. The house was, as any Polish family can relate, eclectic & functional, and filled with family treasures.  None worth significant money, but priceless nonetheless.  The wedge wood blue dishes.  The chicken (?) cookie jar.  The mix of glasses and dinnerware. The red corduroy hide-away sofa of death (another story for another time).  It felt like HOME.

15 of us would gather together every Thanksgiving….and I kid you not this is my best attempt at offering you a glimpse of the grandeur that was our “Polish family Thanksgiving.”

A large covered table that one might otherwise call a pool table, as 364 days a year, it was indeed a pool table, is where our family would gather.  (Despite the fact that I have no memory of anyone ever playing pool.) Mixed-matched chairs, especially the rolling “pleather” office chair, was THE coveted chair for the grandkids.  The token “kids” table- current memory is an additional table for the 4 grand-girls.  I will try to not read into that anymore than I already am…..An old rotary phone that sat on a desk for no apparent reason than to amuse us as it no longer worked….And….did I mention this was the “unfinished” part of the basement?  Certainly having it on the other side would make more sense, but having the food elegantly displayed on the washer/dryer that had a sheet on it as a “table cloth” & old clothes hanging on one side of the room and a bed on the other…you know, in case someone needed a nap mid dinner? Just added to the warmth and chaos that was our family Thanksgiving.

Nothing was fancy.  Nothing was proper.  Nothing was high-class.  Yet….it was perfect!

The grandkids created elaborate plays for the grownups to suffer through, I mean enjoy.  Old ballerina outfits and old clothes were our formal costume department.  We were tight.  We were inner-connected and it felt like LOVE.

As we have grown, most of us have our own children and extended families and that tradition has long gone.  But the memories, remain.  If I close my eyes, I can feel myself there.

All week in my clinical practice, the Thanksgiving and the holidays has shown up for clients.  Who isn’t talking to whom.  Who said or did this or that.  Who never offers to bring a dish to pass.  Politics.  Drunk Uncle or Aunt so & so.  And the loss…of family members or friends along the way.  From death or from estrangement, adjusting to a new normal and being able to see it as a growth opportunity can be the key to embracing/celebrating the holidays versus dreading them.

Had our original family tradition continued exactly as it was, unchanged, would we miss out of the flexibility of being able to celebrate another day– more fully- more present?   Yes.  Now, that same Polish family with the addition of spouses and children, gathers the Saturday before Christmas.  In honor of our grandparents, without any other engagements, we are all together.  Life is always changing, but the memories and the love shared is so powerful that time and space cannot destroy them.  While our ballerina outfits have now been replaced with lovely dresses or sharp outfits, the connection to showing up and celebrating together has never ended, it has just evolved.

Had our family tradition continued exactly as it was, unchanged, would we miss out on the opportunity to spend Thanksgiving with others who have come into our life & have deep roots and meaning?  Yes.  This year a dear friend is joining us again, and while my extended family is warm and welcoming (sometimes overly so) being able to have a smaller gathering allows for more intimate conversations and a slowed-down pace for the day.  Who doesn’t need that from time to time? While there are certainly moments I long for a return to that simple time in our grandparents unfinished basement, expanding our lives with others only expands the circle of love and support around us.

So to wrap up my trip down memory lane, some tips for not only getting through this holiday season, but learning how to embrace and celebrate, even if it isn’t how you might have hoped it to be…..

• Create your own traditions.  Find meaning.  Literally share/break bread with one another and express a simple gratitude for this past year.
• Show up.  Fully present.  Intentionally be with your family.  Turn the TV off.  Put your phones away.  Gasp.  Be Present with your family or friends.  At least for dinner.  Be in the moment……
• Be thankful if you are among the majority of Americans who gain weight from Thanksgiving to Black Friday- it means you aren’t worrying about how to pay for your dinner and you have friends/or family to feed you! A few pounds you can lose, friends/family- true ones- are irreplaceable.
• Practice gratitude throughout the year.  Not just for the day.  Do you want to live a happier more joy-filled life? Then practice gratitude DAILY.

I hope you all can relate on some level as I am certain we weren’t the only family with such a picturesque backdrop for family gatherings…hoping all who read this today or over the holiday season have a peace-filled/joyous Thanksgiving and holiday season.

Where is peace in our world?

My parents are planning their 50th Wedding Anniversary.  50 years!  They’ve planning to go on a trip.  Deserved after 50 years, right?  Destination ideas have ranged from touring Italy, or going to Germany/Poland/Czech Republic (where their families are from), or to a cruise somewhere far far away.  The past year or so….these are the locations I’ve grown accustomed to hearing them talk about with great anticipation.  

About a week or so ago, they suddenly had a change of heart.  No longer were they certain they wanted to go to Italy or Germany or Poland or Czech Republic or a cruise, rather now they were thinking they wanted to stay “closer to home.”  Because they’d miss their beloved dog?  No.  Because they’d miss us?  No.  Because they didn’t have an up to date passport?  No.  Because it was too expensive?  No.  Sadly, they were thinking they wanted to stay closer to home as they were frightened by being a possible target for terrorism.

How many couples are blessed enough/lucky enough/persistent enough to make it to 50 years?  How tragic is it to think of having that joyous event….anticipating it for years….and feeling somewhat limited in how to celebrate because of fear.  

I’ve never understood hatred.  I’ve never understood violence.  I’ve never understood hating someone based on religion or skin color or social status or sexual orientation or political leanings…..largely I’m grateful to say from the example of my loving parents.  Growing up fairly sheltered, my exposure to other cultures/religions/etc was very limited.  While it would have been easy for me to grow up believing EVERYONE else in the world had the life I did, my parents made a concerted effort to instill in me humility and acceptance of ALL people, and the realization that my reality was not only not necessarily other people’s realities, but it wasn’t necessarily the only “right” way of living.  It was just what I had grown to know.

When my friend pool expanded to include others beyond my small little circle of childhood and adolescence, I looked upon the opportunity to meet others different from me with a great sense of enthusiasm and ability to be enlightened.

What I learned, however, is this…..as people, we are far more similar than we are different. Period.  Whether we come from different religions or cultures or socioeconomic classes, at the core we have FAR more in common with one another than the minute details that separate us from one another.

I found this quote.  Love it.  While I didn’t grow up as a Hindu nor am I a practicing Hindu now…..the words of Gandhi have always resonated with me.  His teachings are universal.   “Peace is the path”….. At the core of most faiths is the concept of peace and yet from the beginning of time humans seem to somehow forget this value and opt instead for fighting exaggerating differences vs focusing on trying to resolve conflict by illuminating similarities, actually enabling PEACE to be established.

Peace cannot be accomplished by fighting. Peace cannot be accomplished by hiding from our would be oppressors.  Peace can only be accomplished when we make it our priority to walk and talk and breathe and think and live our lives based on finding and living and being…..Peace.

Peace.  A right for EVERYONE.  What can you commit to do to truly embrace and LIVE PEACE?

Ending this night with a song and artist perhaps many of you may not know.  Had I not started practicing yoga a year ago December, I would never had known this beautifully talented musician.  Her words and the music speak for themselves……Enjoy.

Peace……

Berlin Marathon….more than just a race

I’m getting ready to run the BERLIN MARATHON!  BERLIN MARATHON, like in GERMANY!

I’m not sure why I haven’t written much about my running lately, or more specifically about running the marathon in Berlin.

I’m in Europe- having already visited Poland (what I like to refer to as the “Motherland”) and now in Berlin, awaiting the marathon that will be occurring in 2 days.

Berlin.  And here for the Marathon.  It is pretty darn amazing! There are over 40,000 runners from nations all over the world. 40,000!  I’ve seen pictures from the previous races and it’s a SEA of people.  If you have never been in a marathon, I can’t even begin to explain the excitement, the nerves, and anticipation that accompanies the beginning of a race.

Here’s my attempt…..From the day before the race meal preparation/routines, and laying out of the clothes for the race, and the early bed and even earlier awakening the day of the race, the quiet race day routines….the specific breakfast foods- even though you are not hungry or even awake- and several trips to the bathroom.  YES!  This is something every marathon runner is keenly aware of for race day.  And very happy to discuss with other runners.  Other than my days of working with cancer survivors, I have found no other place where it was completely socially acceptable to discuss bodily functions as I do with marathon runners.  It’s a fact of running, and specially a fact of marathon running!  Awesome, eh?  That and losing toe nails, which also makes my sport lovely, right?

But there is nothing like that moment when you are standing in your coral, and waiting for the anthem of the country you are in to begin, wondering what the race will be like this time.  I say this time, for those of us who are crazy enough perhaps to run more than one, because no race is EXACTLY the same.  We can do so many things to get ready, and be as safe and cautious and routine as possible and then…out of no where….something it tweaked and BAM!  You’re in trouble!

So for several years, I’ve mentioned a time or two that I have a chronic pain condition called piriformis syndrome, causing sciatic nerve like pain down my leg.  Chronic as in I have learned to manage it but it isn’t “curable” per say.  But this past season, I have been managing it quite well with yoga and acupuncture and really listening to my body so that I can run long distances.  I have been able to run long runs with very little discomfort and feeling ready for my race and then…….

One week + a day before the race, and 2 days before we are set to leave for our much anticipated trip….I am a member of a 62 mile relay race called “Dances with Dirt”, and yes, that is very descriptive.  Mud, trails, swamps…you name it and this girly girl loves every moment of it.  This year….I run one of my 3 legs, through the forrest….I”m good.  Up/down switchback terrain.  I’m good.  Through a disgusting oh my gosh where did this swamp come from and I have to do what?  Swim through it?  Yep…I did it. I”m good.  (It was really awful) and then I am running through the ONLY part of the leg that is flat, and wide and without any sticks or logs or poison ivy and BAM!!!!! I step down wrong on my leg and shooting pain goes up my calf.  My calf muscle?  Really?  What the heck?  I’ve never had that before and I literally could not even walk.  My leg swelled up 2x the size, I was limping, and by the end of the day I not only couldn’t help my teammates to finish the race, but I couldn’t even walk.  I was in tears……

So all week, I’ve had this pain in my leg reminding me of the fragility of running…and the fragility of our bodies and health.  Nothing is guaranteed in life, and for the days I can run pain free….I”m so grateful.  For the days I can run with limited pain, I”m grateful.  For the days I can run through my pain, I”m grateful.  And sometimes…that’s all we can ask….for the strength to get through what we need, and sometimes WANT in our life.

Today…and in 2 Days, It’s to finish my first World Major, and my 5th marathon.  Tomorrow, it may be something totally different…but isn’t that the beauty of life, to always have something worth striving to achieve?

“Strength does not come from winning.  Your struggles develop your strengths.  When you go through hardships and decide NOT to surrender, that is strength.” Arnold Schwarzenegger.  

I am STRONG.  And find peace in my strength.

Wish me luck!  I”ll be the girl near the back!  Someone’s gotta be!

Peace…….