Time to go beyond the “Reef.”

(image courtesy of Disney studios……My oldest son informed me one can get in trouble for not stating where they got images from on the internet.  Yikes!  Will do going forward…..)

Have you seen Moana?  I highly suggest!

(When I started writing this blog post, it was still in theaters and admittedly this has sat in draft form for almost 2 months….significant in many ways & related to this post.)

Moana.  A strong female lead, beautiful animation, a great story of going beyond our perceived limits to see who we are truly meant to be, and music by Lin-Manuel Miranda! (aka “Hamilton!”)  The night before my oldest returned for college after a very long winter break, we created a new “New Year’s Eve” tradition, and went to a movie & Chinese food.  I’m hooked.  Might be a must-do going forward.

Moana.  The tale of a young girl who is soon to be Chief of her tribe, learning to, literally and figuratively, go beyond the reef to discover who she really is meant to be.  Should she leave the comfort and ease of her Polynesian island life to see what else is out there for her, or stay where she is safe and she is surrounded by all people & things she knows and trusts?

When I first saw the movie, I was focused on the character of Moana & her struggle, but as I reflected on it (and listened to the soundtrack, as it’s amazing) I recognized the power of the duality of the message in the film:  Moana, pushing herself “beyond the reef” to find who she is really meant to be, & The Chief (her Dad) struggling to let her go……

How many of can relate to “Moana?” Searching for her path. Searching for more meaning.  Searching for purpose. Searching for things and people to challenge you and help you to grow?  All awhile acknowledging a desire for roots?  How many struggle with realization of visceral fear of settling in life versus really living life?

How many of can relate to “the Chief?” Fully aware of the duality of a parental role of raising children strong enough to let them go & confident in their ability to thrive, yet on a primal level terrified of launching them into the life unknown?  Sending both messages of Go! Explore! Challenge yourself! Yet….. Don’t go too far!  Don’t be reckless in your exploration!  And Be careful and take loving care of yourself as you meet challenges known and yet to reveal themselves to you?

Many times in my own life, when I see patterns of messages reveal themselves from a myriad of directions, as if the Universe is telling me “Wake up!  This message is for you!”  While my journey may be different from those whom I am hearing the “message” from, the core meaning behind the message is a Universal Truth.

No matter our age, no matter our status in life…..until the very last breath we take on this earth….our JOURNEY is still unfolding.  And we may resist, we may ignore, we may try to deny…or we may embrace and just BE in the moment and allow yourself to follow what we already inherently know in the depths of our soul.  It is in the realization, that we are free. It is in sometimes going “beyond our reef” where we find our true selves.  Whether we are Moana or Chief, we cannot know what we are capable of if we stay in safety, in self or those we love around us.

Easy, right?  Oh I remember, when I was young, I thought at my age, (45, gulp!) I’d have it all figured out.  I thought yep, this is the end of the journey and life just is.  How incredibly wrong and naive I was.  I don’t even know where that concept came from, truthfully, I just remember thinking the wonder and curiosity in life was something that you had as a young person, and clearly some old 45+ year old person was void of that curiosity and wonder and had a life and that was all it was.  NOW, that I am in that decrepit age group, I realize, life is a constant journey of wonder and curiosity, unless we forget that it is.  And perhaps we “forget” when we become so set on staying “Inside the REEF” that we forget there is an entire world beyond?

For those of you reading who have college age or beyond (or soon to be college age) kids, I assure you this is such an interesting space to be in.  Terrifying yet fascinating.  Beautiful yet wrought with such an unpredictable pattern of highs and lows no amount of preparation or parenting books will ever be able to prepare you for what it feels like….. Yet all awhile you are in this space, you TOO are actually that person you are watching go through his/her own exploration beyond the reef.  Why did no one tell us this?  That while we are watching our own children go through their journey, we TOO are STILL figuring out ours?

Ok, have I terrified all of you reading yet?  Especially those who may not have children or have young ones?  Let me leave with a few amazing thoughts I have learned through this part of life’s journey…..

• It’s truly ok and wonderful….even in the midst of uncertainty…. just being in the moment and realizing most of what we experience in life is truly temporary and life has a way of working itself out if we let it.  Just be patient.  And may be say a few prayers or offer up some positive energy along the way….
• Sharing your own journey is one of the most liberating thing in life to do.  Both with your kids (college ones especially) and others.  Vulnerability has the amazing power to bond us to others.
• Not having all the answers and seeing a clear path is ok.  Share that with your young ones.  It is in the unknowing that we truly learn to live and see our path!
• No one has it ALL figured out.  No one has a PERFECT life.  No one is totally CONFIDENT all the time.  And it is in our struggle that we see our own STRENGTH.
• Staying in your comfort zone, will never bring you the growth you are meant to experience.  In life, growth and progress is beyond that REEF, not within in.

 

Would love to hear where your journey beyond the reef, perhaps for you or your journey in parenthood, continues to take you…..

Peace…..

 

 

Advice Parents of Young Children Won’t Believe

Summer Break.  Windows open.  Sounds of little voices fill our neighborhood.  Sometimes giggling, sometimes crying….all nostalgic reminders of how quickly time moves.

It seems like only a few moments ago, our family was new to the neighborhood.  We were the family with a baby and a preschooler.  We were the over-decorated Halloween house, the side-walk chalked front side walk, the yard filled with various toys and ride along cars of various shapes and sizes.  We were the red-eyed, spit-up stained clothed, stroller pushing, car seat adjusting, early to bed and far too early to rise parents who often blankly looked at each other muttering something like “will this ever get easier?”

Now…..our house is filled with children who resemble adults in almost every single way.  They’re taller than us.  Smarter than us (of course, they’re late teens/young adults…aren’t they all?).  They eat more than us.  Halloween and Christmas and…..all decorations have been dramatically reduced to an almost obligatory effort to try to still “look” like we are into the holidays.  Side walk chalk has been replaced with a sea of textbooks and papers and online tests.  The yard no longer has a spattering of toys, replaced rather with a room filled of sweaty, loud boys playing xbox or yelling at the TV while WWE is on to entertain them.  Ride along cars are now replaced with ACTUAL CARS.  No more strollers…no more car seats……and often we are in bed way before they are…..

In a moment, it all changes.  And in the midst of it, I remember thinking it felt like eternity getting from day to day.  The monotony has a way of altering perception of time.  And looking back now, I simply cannot imagine where all the time went.

For those reading….if you have children….do you remember that feeling when you first held your child/ren, and thought these probably universal words “how could I ever love this child anymore than I do in this moment?”

You CAN!  And you DO!  I’ve always been amazed at how this works.  Something so unquantifiable….yet tangible in some abstract sense.  My only regret, I didn’t learn to really enjoy the monotony of the moments as I was in them when my kids were small.  Somehow I so was looking for the next step, the next milestone, and now that my oldest is leaving for college in a few short months (OMG!) and my youngest is entering high school….my sentiments are best described in this wonderfully sappy song….

slow down

You will make mistakes.  They might “hate” you for a moment or two.  You will second and third and …guess yourself.  You will one day, be in my space wondering how on earth 18 years has slipped through your fingers with you barely noticing it.  If the grey hairs or impending wrinkles don’t prove to you that you are indeed older, and no longer the parent of a newborn or toddler….the towering “adult-ish” person living beside you will certainly utter something to let you know….he/she is ready to spread his/her wings….and no matter how much you want to respond back……

Know that you only have them for but a moment…..and may be if you read this and PAY ATTENTION…..you will slow down for a moment and enjoy the absolute best wandering journey around……

Peace…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

You want to go where to college? Tales of an art school bound parent……

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” Soren Kierkegaard

I remember talking with a friend of mine in college who hated the degree he was pursuing.  His parents were making him get his degree in engineering and he hated it.  Although he was inclined to do well in the program, it wasn’t what he wanted to do.  I remember thinking to myself how sad that was….to be going to college, to be studying for a career- your career- and you hating it.  I felt blessed that my parents never questioned my decision to get my degree in psychology (and eventually my master’s in social work).  I wonder, however, with the wisdom of now being the parent of a college bound son in 2 years, about the delicate balance between encouraging your child to do whatever he/she wants, and guiding them to something they can actually make enough money to live independently.  That’s a challenge, right?  Finding something we are really good at and something we can support ourselves at as well.  I often wonder about my friend….did his parents make the right decision to continue to encourage him towards a career he vehemently hated studying knowing in the end, it would be the right path for him…..

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a therapist.  I took a psychology class in high school and I was fascinated by the complexity of human behavior.  The “why’s” of human decisions and motivations has always been way more interesting to me than what people actually do.  It’s not what happens so much in our life that matters, it’s what we choose to do with it.  How do some people flourish from meager or “dysfunctional” beginnings, while others who appear to have everything they want in life, flounder?  Fascinating to me….

Fast forward to today.

My oldest son comes out of school all excited.  “Guess who came to visit our school today?”

Thoughts through my mind….

• Local professional athlete? No.
• Local musician? No.
• Politician.  No….I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be excited about that, what was I thinking? Geez…
• Bishop?  (He goes to Catholic school.  It could happen.) No.

Hmmm? Who?

SCAD.  Don’t know who (or maybe it’s really a what) SCAD is?  Well then clearly you either don’t have an artistic child (or a child at all) or they’re too young to know….because I had NO idea until about a year ago.  SCAD is also known as Savannah College of Art and Design.  An elite art college- yes…art college- my son is really, really interested in attending.  His art teacher, whom we adore, told us about it and said, and I quote “Oh, I know, it’s every parent’s worse nightmare to have his/her child say he/she wants to go to art school”….and a VERY expensive one at that.  And WOW! was she right.  It’s terrifying.  The first thought is, oh my gosh I must be a grown up because I’m thinking…you guessed it…”Will he be able to make a living and support himself with a degree from an art school?”

How on earth did I get to be that person? I don’t want to be that mom!

From the time my son was little, he has always been drawing,  creating. He loves art, he loves animation, he loves music, he is an artist.  I remember his teacher in kindergarten telling us “Um, your son is drawing so much on his assignments, I can’t even read them to grade them.” They were literally covered with his drawings.  We agreed he would only draw on the backs of his assignments, so she could at least grade the “work” he had done.  Looking back, it seems counterintuitive to contain the artistic energy he has always possessed.

So in the moment today, I focused on my son.  On his dreams.  On his future.  On his talents.  I am so proud of the unique, sensitive, smart, and cool kid he is and happy he has an idea of what he wants to do his life.

What if the parents of the Beatles told their kids they should be scientists? Or what if the parents of Charles Schultz wanted him to go into the family business rather than create the Charlie Brown and Snoopy?  Or what if the parents of Christian Dior wanted him to be a coal miner rather than a famous fashion designer?  Or what if the parents of Yoshitoshi ABe wanted him to be a librarian rather than a famous anime artists (Ok, I had to look up this one because my son currently is really into Manga- a type of Japanese anime)?  What would our lives- all of our lives- be without art? 

Each day, we have a choice.  To look at life through lenses of negativity, or choose to look at the wonder and the endless possibilities in life.  I hope my 20-year-old self would be proud of the grown up person I’ve become- in remembering to support my child no matter what he wants to be.

And being an artist is just about the coolest thing I can think of anyway…..

“I would like to find a way to embrace what Led Zeppelin did, in filmmaking.” Nicholas Cage. 

Maybe that’ll be my son?  Finding a way to embrace what other truly brilliant artist have done in his own artistic genre?

Peace……

peace…..in giving my children a sense of community

Several years into developing a professional relationship with an organization I greatly respect, a dream job finally opened up and I was asked to interview for the position! The job description read as if it was personally written for my credentials and work experience.  I made it through 2 phone interviews, and was asked to fly down to the organization for an in person interview this week.  Sadly, for me, I declined. Fly down= the job is out-of-state.

(I love my current job as a clinical therapist, but as I’ve written in earlier posts, I’m unsettled wondering if there is more I am meant to be doing…..)

I moved a lot as a child.  As an adult, I understand and love my parents for continuously striving to better our lives with the advancement of my Dad’s career.  As a child, I hated it.  I hated being the new kid in a school.  I hated feeling like an outsider.  I hated feeling out-of-place.

When I met my husband, one of the things I liked most about his life story was his living in the same city his entire childhood.  He had stories of the neighborhood kids, of the parks around town, of seeing his city grow and evolve as he did.  We consciously decided to settle in the city he grew up in once we were married, and agreed in the importance of community for our children.

In choosing to live here, our house is smaller than we might like.  I don’t mind.  Community is priceless.  We have sacrificed for our children to go to a small Catholic school…..when I was barely out of graduate school and making little money, when my hours/pay were cut at my former job, and when I changed jobs to better meet the needs of my family….somehow we found the money to send our kids to the school- to be in the community.  I don’t mind the sacrifices.  Community is priceless.

I heard this song recently….it made me think of why I want my kids to have the experience of community….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQYNM6SjD_o

I don’t have “1” house filled with my childhood memories.  I have scattered pictures of this house and that house and this city and that city.  When I’ve been lost and considering what path to take in life, I have often wished I had that place to visit to connect with that sense of comfort and support we have as a child.  Yes, even as an adult, I sometimes wish I had that.  Does that make sense?

Listening to the song made me think, as a parent, it isn’t about my wants and my needs that matter as much as knowing what my kids need.  As they get older, I’m reminded more of the relevance of that early decision to have “community” for our children and my role in remaining steadfast in that early vision.

So maybe I need to focus more on finding ways to be peaceful and content in where I am and stop worrying about my path and let it unfold as it’s meant to be?

“A man (or woman) travels the world over in search of what he (or she) needs and returns home to find it.” George A. Moore.

I want that for my kids.  I want them to know no matter what, they can always come home.  I want them to know that even if I don’t always have all the answers, and Wow! how I so often don’t! May they find peace in knowing they can come home and I’ll be here to listen and surround them in love while they’re looking for their own path in life……

I was side tracked for a few moments…….