Don’t make New Year’s Resolutions this Way in 2020

 

New Year’s resolutions don’t work.  They don’t. Sure, there are some random people who magically “lose that weight” or “getting more financially savvy” in the New Year….but I’ve compiled a list of my “don’t do’s” for 2020.

• Set a weight goal.  You are more than your weight.  You are more than your weight. You are more than your weight.
• Set financial goals without talking with someone who perhaps is more financially savvy than you are.  Set goals with intention and purpose, from a space of forward movement vs guilt/shame that often get entangled with problematic financial spending and/or limited saving/planning.
• Gathering of more “things”.…..if you are reading this blog, you already have enough.  No more purses, or shoes, or gadgets, or cars, or…or…or…will bring you any more happiness than you already have.  You have enough.  You are enough.  Things…things will never bring you happiness.
• Set goals without intention/thought/purpose behind them.  For instance, if you are hell bent on losing weight, do it because your intent is to be healthy rather than fit into a bikini. (by the way, you can wear a bikini, right now, exactly how you are, exactly the weight that you are….with all your bumps and lumps and whatever.  You can rock that bikini no matter what your weight or size or whatever is……..)

Can you look at New Year’s in a new way?  Has the standard “This year I’m gonna (insert whatever shameful/guilt-ridden goal here)” worked?  Like EVER?! Are you among the very small percentage of people who actually stay with the gym membership beyond January?  Then awesome!  Keep that shit up!  But if you aren’t, may be it is time for a reset in how you look at this time of year.  Instead of “new year’s resolution” time, could you consider more productive/intentional language of a season that is a returning to light, beginning again, and a fresh start? With both grace and compassion for yourself, truly the only person you have control/responsibility for in this life.

Late last week, our family had to make the really difficult decision to re-home our family bird, Cammy, and the birdie friend we got to try to help our family bird stay in our home.  I was NEVER a bird person, in fact they absolutely scare me on some level.  However, my oldest son wanted one and after months and months he wore me down and we brought this lovely blue pacific parrotlet into our home.  She was never friendly, she never wanted to just hang out with the family, she bit everyone (mostly me, which seems weird since I’m a-vegetarian and b-biggest animal lover I Know! I was on her team!) and the last 6 months started over-preening.  Have you seen a bird who over-preens?  She had plucked out all her feathers on her torso and most of her wings, leaving her to look like a new born chicken.  And she seemed M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E.  And worse…..this same son who desperately wanted a bird, also seemed miserable as he was so worried about her and guilt ridden over not knowing how to “fix” her……..

We tried:

Consultations with Various vets.  Various experts in the field.  Spritzing her with water in case she was just itchy.  New food.  New supplements.  New toys.  No mirror (apparently it can make them even more obsessed with grooming).  Medicines.  Etc….and then…a new friend, named “Ken.”

Nothing.  Nothing. Nothing worked.

A few days prior, my son (who was the “adult” in this situation) saw what I was doing (and let me tell you, that is not a comfortable scenario to be called out on your behavior, or lack there of, by your young adult son.  Humbling….to say the least. ) and in an abrupt dose of reality pushed us to make this really tough decision, to let her go……….

We made the decision to take her to a beautiful birdie rescue, and return her birdie friend to the home we got him from only a few weeks ago. I cried hysterically at the dropping off of our little Cammy, knowing we would never see her little self again, and we would at best be a memory in her precious little birdie brain.  My son was the responsible, reasonable, intentional one, and I was acting purely on emotion.  He was right.  We needed to love her enough, to let her go…..

This process…… taught me this.  And thought I’d share for a different way to approach this new year, this new decade……Not with “resolutions” but with purpose and intention. Not out of emotion, but rather with clear desire to be the best version of self we can be.  And with that, do you need to look at what no longer serves you in your life, and let that shit go?

How often do we hold on to things, to jobs, to habits, to people….we know in our hearts we have outgrown, or are no longer good for us? Why are you/we holding on?  What are you afraid of happening if you simply let go? Let go of the struggle. Let go of the need to know the outcome.  Let go of needing to know what happens next.  What happens?  If you believe, as I wholeheartedly do, emotions are transient, can you just sit with emotions, breathe through them, draw on your own strength or will or stubbornness (ok, I own that one!) and know…. there will be sunshine again one day….There will be a better day.  There will be a better job.  There will be healthier and more productive habits if you allow them to take root.  And people….. if you open up your heart, there will be better people to have in your life who love you exactly as you are.  Flaws and all, if you allow the universe or God to support you, you will not be alone.

I have tried the resolution path.  I have tried the holding on and just hoping it changes path.  And please listen……carefully……..

IT DOESN’T FREAKING WORK!

We end up miserable and ugh.  Isn’t there enough misery in the world already?

My hope for you, in 2020, let go of believing you have to be something “other than” you are for someone else.  If you want to make changes- do it for YOU.  Not for others, not to win the love or admiration or ….of another.  But for you.  Trust it’s ok to let go of things, of habits, of people who no longer serve you & in the process…. you will see the Universe or God and/or YOU will see that in your heart, you already know the right path for your journey.  Holding on to what no longer serves only keeps us stuck, and that is a very lonely, futile space to exist.

Cammy and Ken will forever be in our hearts.  Our home is a much quieter/cleaner (birdies are MESSY) and in some ways “still” home.  We miss them. But loving someone enough to let them go….can be the greatest gift you give to another whose spiritual wings you may be unintentionally binding to you, a space that was never meant to be.

Here’s to the return to light. To new beginnings.  To intentional/mindful living.  And to the innate wisdom that exists if we sit still long enough to allow it to surface and fill our spiritual beings with light, with love and with hope.

Peace and Happy 2020.  #newyearsresolutionssuck

 

Embracing the Change in Holiday Traditions

My childhood Thanksgivings were filled with tradition, most of which revolved around the patriarch and matriarch of our family, my grandparents.  While the food spread looked similar to the above, the setting was far less fancy.

My grandparents lived in a modest bi-level house, surrounded by old apple trees. The house was, as any Polish family can relate, eclectic & functional, and filled with family treasures.  None worth significant money, but priceless nonetheless.  The wedge wood blue dishes.  The chicken (?) cookie jar.  The mix of glasses and dinnerware. The red corduroy hide-away sofa of death (another story for another time).  It felt like HOME.

15 of us would gather together every Thanksgiving….and I kid you not this is my best attempt at offering you a glimpse of the grandeur that was our “Polish family Thanksgiving.”

A large covered table that one might otherwise call a pool table, as 364 days a year, it was indeed a pool table, is where our family would gather.  (Despite the fact that I have no memory of anyone ever playing pool.) Mixed-matched chairs, especially the rolling “pleather” office chair, was THE coveted chair for the grandkids.  The token “kids” table- current memory is an additional table for the 4 grand-girls.  I will try to not read into that anymore than I already am…..An old rotary phone that sat on a desk for no apparent reason than to amuse us as it no longer worked….And….did I mention this was the “unfinished” part of the basement?  Certainly having it on the other side would make more sense, but having the food elegantly displayed on the washer/dryer that had a sheet on it as a “table cloth” & old clothes hanging on one side of the room and a bed on the other…you know, in case someone needed a nap mid dinner? Just added to the warmth and chaos that was our family Thanksgiving.

Nothing was fancy.  Nothing was proper.  Nothing was high-class.  Yet….it was perfect!

The grandkids created elaborate plays for the grownups to suffer through, I mean enjoy.  Old ballerina outfits and old clothes were our formal costume department.  We were tight.  We were inner-connected and it felt like LOVE.

As we have grown, most of us have our own children and extended families and that tradition has long gone.  But the memories, remain.  If I close my eyes, I can feel myself there.

All week in my clinical practice, the Thanksgiving and the holidays has shown up for clients.  Who isn’t talking to whom.  Who said or did this or that.  Who never offers to bring a dish to pass.  Politics.  Drunk Uncle or Aunt so & so.  And the loss…of family members or friends along the way.  From death or from estrangement, adjusting to a new normal and being able to see it as a growth opportunity can be the key to embracing/celebrating the holidays versus dreading them.

Had our original family tradition continued exactly as it was, unchanged, would we miss out of the flexibility of being able to celebrate another day– more fully- more present?   Yes.  Now, that same Polish family with the addition of spouses and children, gathers the Saturday before Christmas.  In honor of our grandparents, without any other engagements, we are all together.  Life is always changing, but the memories and the love shared is so powerful that time and space cannot destroy them.  While our ballerina outfits have now been replaced with lovely dresses or sharp outfits, the connection to showing up and celebrating together has never ended, it has just evolved.

Had our family tradition continued exactly as it was, unchanged, would we miss out on the opportunity to spend Thanksgiving with others who have come into our life & have deep roots and meaning?  Yes.  This year a dear friend is joining us again, and while my extended family is warm and welcoming (sometimes overly so) being able to have a smaller gathering allows for more intimate conversations and a slowed-down pace for the day.  Who doesn’t need that from time to time? While there are certainly moments I long for a return to that simple time in our grandparents unfinished basement, expanding our lives with others only expands the circle of love and support around us.

So to wrap up my trip down memory lane, some tips for not only getting through this holiday season, but learning how to embrace and celebrate, even if it isn’t how you might have hoped it to be…..

• Create your own traditions.  Find meaning.  Literally share/break bread with one another and express a simple gratitude for this past year.
• Show up.  Fully present.  Intentionally be with your family.  Turn the TV off.  Put your phones away.  Gasp.  Be Present with your family or friends.  At least for dinner.  Be in the moment……
• Be thankful if you are among the majority of Americans who gain weight from Thanksgiving to Black Friday- it means you aren’t worrying about how to pay for your dinner and you have friends/or family to feed you! A few pounds you can lose, friends/family- true ones- are irreplaceable.
• Practice gratitude throughout the year.  Not just for the day.  Do you want to live a happier more joy-filled life? Then practice gratitude DAILY.

I hope you all can relate on some level as I am certain we weren’t the only family with such a picturesque backdrop for family gatherings…hoping all who read this today or over the holiday season have a peace-filled/joyous Thanksgiving and holiday season.