Don’t make New Year’s Resolutions this Way in 2020

 

New Year’s resolutions don’t work.  They don’t. Sure, there are some random people who magically “lose that weight” or “getting more financially savvy” in the New Year….but I’ve compiled a list of my “don’t do’s” for 2020.

• Set a weight goal.  You are more than your weight.  You are more than your weight. You are more than your weight.
• Set financial goals without talking with someone who perhaps is more financially savvy than you are.  Set goals with intention and purpose, from a space of forward movement vs guilt/shame that often get entangled with problematic financial spending and/or limited saving/planning.
• Gathering of more “things”.…..if you are reading this blog, you already have enough.  No more purses, or shoes, or gadgets, or cars, or…or…or…will bring you any more happiness than you already have.  You have enough.  You are enough.  Things…things will never bring you happiness.
• Set goals without intention/thought/purpose behind them.  For instance, if you are hell bent on losing weight, do it because your intent is to be healthy rather than fit into a bikini. (by the way, you can wear a bikini, right now, exactly how you are, exactly the weight that you are….with all your bumps and lumps and whatever.  You can rock that bikini no matter what your weight or size or whatever is……..)

Can you look at New Year’s in a new way?  Has the standard “This year I’m gonna (insert whatever shameful/guilt-ridden goal here)” worked?  Like EVER?! Are you among the very small percentage of people who actually stay with the gym membership beyond January?  Then awesome!  Keep that shit up!  But if you aren’t, may be it is time for a reset in how you look at this time of year.  Instead of “new year’s resolution” time, could you consider more productive/intentional language of a season that is a returning to light, beginning again, and a fresh start? With both grace and compassion for yourself, truly the only person you have control/responsibility for in this life.

Late last week, our family had to make the really difficult decision to re-home our family bird, Cammy, and the birdie friend we got to try to help our family bird stay in our home.  I was NEVER a bird person, in fact they absolutely scare me on some level.  However, my oldest son wanted one and after months and months he wore me down and we brought this lovely blue pacific parrotlet into our home.  She was never friendly, she never wanted to just hang out with the family, she bit everyone (mostly me, which seems weird since I’m a-vegetarian and b-biggest animal lover I Know! I was on her team!) and the last 6 months started over-preening.  Have you seen a bird who over-preens?  She had plucked out all her feathers on her torso and most of her wings, leaving her to look like a new born chicken.  And she seemed M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E.  And worse…..this same son who desperately wanted a bird, also seemed miserable as he was so worried about her and guilt ridden over not knowing how to “fix” her……..

We tried:

Consultations with Various vets.  Various experts in the field.  Spritzing her with water in case she was just itchy.  New food.  New supplements.  New toys.  No mirror (apparently it can make them even more obsessed with grooming).  Medicines.  Etc….and then…a new friend, named “Ken.”

Nothing.  Nothing. Nothing worked.

A few days prior, my son (who was the “adult” in this situation) saw what I was doing (and let me tell you, that is not a comfortable scenario to be called out on your behavior, or lack there of, by your young adult son.  Humbling….to say the least. ) and in an abrupt dose of reality pushed us to make this really tough decision, to let her go……….

We made the decision to take her to a beautiful birdie rescue, and return her birdie friend to the home we got him from only a few weeks ago. I cried hysterically at the dropping off of our little Cammy, knowing we would never see her little self again, and we would at best be a memory in her precious little birdie brain.  My son was the responsible, reasonable, intentional one, and I was acting purely on emotion.  He was right.  We needed to love her enough, to let her go…..

This process…… taught me this.  And thought I’d share for a different way to approach this new year, this new decade……Not with “resolutions” but with purpose and intention. Not out of emotion, but rather with clear desire to be the best version of self we can be.  And with that, do you need to look at what no longer serves you in your life, and let that shit go?

How often do we hold on to things, to jobs, to habits, to people….we know in our hearts we have outgrown, or are no longer good for us? Why are you/we holding on?  What are you afraid of happening if you simply let go? Let go of the struggle. Let go of the need to know the outcome.  Let go of needing to know what happens next.  What happens?  If you believe, as I wholeheartedly do, emotions are transient, can you just sit with emotions, breathe through them, draw on your own strength or will or stubbornness (ok, I own that one!) and know…. there will be sunshine again one day….There will be a better day.  There will be a better job.  There will be healthier and more productive habits if you allow them to take root.  And people….. if you open up your heart, there will be better people to have in your life who love you exactly as you are.  Flaws and all, if you allow the universe or God to support you, you will not be alone.

I have tried the resolution path.  I have tried the holding on and just hoping it changes path.  And please listen……carefully……..

IT DOESN’T FREAKING WORK!

We end up miserable and ugh.  Isn’t there enough misery in the world already?

My hope for you, in 2020, let go of believing you have to be something “other than” you are for someone else.  If you want to make changes- do it for YOU.  Not for others, not to win the love or admiration or ….of another.  But for you.  Trust it’s ok to let go of things, of habits, of people who no longer serve you & in the process…. you will see the Universe or God and/or YOU will see that in your heart, you already know the right path for your journey.  Holding on to what no longer serves only keeps us stuck, and that is a very lonely, futile space to exist.

Cammy and Ken will forever be in our hearts.  Our home is a much quieter/cleaner (birdies are MESSY) and in some ways “still” home.  We miss them. But loving someone enough to let them go….can be the greatest gift you give to another whose spiritual wings you may be unintentionally binding to you, a space that was never meant to be.

Here’s to the return to light. To new beginnings.  To intentional/mindful living.  And to the innate wisdom that exists if we sit still long enough to allow it to surface and fill our spiritual beings with light, with love and with hope.

Peace and Happy 2020.  #newyearsresolutionssuck

 

When 12:07 is the loneliest number that you’ll ever know……

Never has 12:07 minutes felt longer to me.  That is exactly how long it took me to run a mile today in a “mile challenge” at Orange Theory.

This might not seem significant to anyone else, except in my mind.  However, as I stepped up on the treadmill this morning, nervousness and overwhelming feelings of not being good enough ran through my head.  Before I even started.  Instantly, I was catapulted back to the “running the mile” challenge in high school.  How did this happen?  After all the “work” I feel like I have done on myself over the past few years, and in a moment I am reminded that perhaps there is still so much more work for me to be doing on myself.

I was last.  Absolute last in my group to finish.

(Now somehow I missed the memo that I could’ve walked it and done a lesser distance than the “runners”, but I worked so hard to call myself a “runner” after a lifetime of being a self proclaimed couch potato, even if I paid attention enough to see the option, I am pretty sure I would’ve run it anyway.)

As I continued to plot along, the group was cheering me on, literally cheering for me.  I know if it was someone else I would be doing the same, however, I felt embarrassed and ashamed.  Fighting back tears.  Instantly….. I was brought back to that insecure person filled with feelings of not being good enough.  As a person who likes to blend in, having an entire studio cheer you on was anything but comforting.  I wanted desperately to crawl out of my skin, and yet….I finished the workout and quickly existed as soon as possible.  Walking sheepishly past the front desk, embarrassment on my face…the ladies at the desk were also congratulating me for finishing the mile.  I so wanted to glide past them and exit the studio as quickly as possible, but…. not before I told them this:

• I have run and completed 5 full marathons
• I have run and completed 12+ half marathons
• I have run and completed several other mid distance races
• I have done most of the while struggling with a chronic pain condition.  One that has sidelined me for far too long, and one I have an ongoing hate/hate relationship with it as I learn to cohabitate with it and attempt to live as normal a life as possible.

 

Why?  Why did I need to tell them anything? Why?  

If I take a deep breath, and if I am honest with myself, rooted in this is the belief that I’m not enough.  That I need to be something better- or doing more- or proving myself in someway in order to justify my taking up space in the studio, at work, at home, in life.  That is a very difficult thing to write and to acknowledge.  But in that moment, I felt so small (I KNOW that was not any of their intent) and I felt like if I told them all of this, they wouldn’t look at me as being …….. weak. or slow. or fat.  or old.  ugh…….

This is what occurred to me today….. while I am actively reading and meditating and exploring personal growth topics, this morning was a keen reminder of the fragility of self that I wasn’t acknowledging.  Unlike the races I so boldly and unnecessarily blurted out finishing today, there is no end point in this journey.  And that’s the really tricky part, for me.  It was a minor set back, really inconsequential, but in the moment it felt HUGE!  The flashbacks of negative self talk, or being teased in school, of feeling utterly useless flooded into me just as if I had done no “work on self” at all!

I share this today, hoping whoever it reaches who may be struggling with not feeling good enough, or small, or worthless to know….I get it.  While I was REALLY there for a large portion of my life, it is nothing like it used to feel for me.  Recognition that the “work” I’ve been doing does help to shift that perspective.

When I returned home, I listened to some music, said a few “f— this”, cried actual ugly tears, got ready for work, hung out with my dog for a few moments, and set aside time for meditation, I was able to re-set….and remember the TRUTH.

• I am enough
• I matter
• I don’t need to justify my existence or worth to anyone else
• Happiness/contentment/joy is an inside job
• I am a work in progress.  And I thank God I am!  Else my work on earth would be done, right?

In yoga the other day, I left with the message to ponder….. that our souls choose certain human challenges for us to learn from in this life.  If I have not felt worthy at certain points in my life, for example….then it is my responsibility or task to learn that I am enough …… and I can try to numb it with a variety of effective but unhealthy methods (drinking, shopping, drugs, etc.) or I can sit with the feelings (YUK!) and apply the actual tools I not only research but TEACH clients, and grow in this experience.

This month, I am getting back on the “race train” and signed up for a 5k.  A start.  And while I might be one of the last ones to cross the finish line, in my rational self, I can honestly say….. that’s enough.

Would love to hear feedback……. what’s your story?

Sending you thoughts of peace and joy and the knowledge that right now- in this very moment- you are already enough!

Peace…..

 

 

 

 

Grateful for “Gratitude.” A must read when everything is getting on your nerves.

I’ve been on both sides.  I know both sides of the coin. And if given the choice, and there’s always a choice….I choose to live with gratitude.

One of the reasons my boss ( Relationship Institute ) said he hired me was in recognition of my sense of gratitude for life.   I remember him telling me a year or so ago, reflecting on how my calm and grateful nature can be beneficial in a clinical setting.  I felt humbled, and yet at the time, I was cognizant of that part of my being.  I have taken pride in practicing gratitude, and truly have felt happiest when I’ve consistently practiced.

I spent over a decade working in a non-profit, Gilda’s Club , some might say I ate, drank, slept, breathed my work, so much so my name became in some circles synonyms with it.  I was “Michelle from Gilda’s Club.” I really loved it.  Although my “work” was at times difficult in knowing the realities of cancer, I loved knowing each and every day what I did, mattered.

In the world of service, it is easy to feel grateful for your life.  It is easy to recognize how fortunate or lucky or blessed one is.  It is easy to find others to give you positive feedback.  It is easy to see the value in what you do.  It is easy to wake up and understand what really matters in life….and to be filled with peace in gratitude.  I believe in a life dedicated to service so much, it is a key component of my program, Strong Peaceful Women.  I lived my life effortlessly in some ways for over a decade in this world, hardly acknowledging the space I was holding was truly sacred and special.

For over a decade, daily I lived with a sense of gratitude and is has shaped, forever, how I see the world.

But……

I think I got lazy and took for granted what was always so easy for me.  I never really had to think about practicing gratitude. I was surrounded, swimming in sea of constant reminders of the fragility and beauty in life.  I had the honor of working for people diagnosed with or affected by cancer, and in that time met some truly fascinating, compassionate, brave, feisty, spiritually grounded and beautiful people.  Through their grace and courage, I found an incredible sense of peace just being in their presence and sharing in their journey…. it was easy to feel grateful for being a part of their lives, no matter the outcome.

When my peer group focused on what pair of shoes to buy, or being frustrated because they couldn’t get reservations to the coolest new restaurant, or annoyed because their custom ordered such and such wasn’t exactly the correct whatever it was supposed to be….I almost felt sorry they didn’t see the world like I did.  I felt grateful I was easily able to be content with what really mattered in life, because I saw it each and every day of my life in my clinical practice…..

And then it happened….to me….I lost my sense of gratitude…..even me.  And it messed with my peaceful mind a bit.  I didn’t even recognize it until it was pointed out ever so abruptly in a “hey…..where’s your gratitude?” comment……

Ouch!!!!!

My days are no longer filled in charity work, and the subtle (and not so subtle) stressors of my day are no longer filtered through my ever-present grateful lens.  For years, I was able to mindfully recognize disappointments from expectations with family and friends and self in a gentle breath, and then softly yet swiftly let them pass me by…..I don’t think I recognized that it was in an active process in my mind allowing me to focus on gratitude vs frustrations with the earthly world.  I forgot the importance of practicing it daily because it came so naturally to me in the past, and now I need to find a way to have that same spirit and passion in my current clinical practice and personal life, recognizing it is different but still rich with purpose.  Just because it doesn’t come as easy to me as it once did, doesn’t mean it’s not as important, and possibly more important if peace and gratitude is my end goal.

Gratitude has not only has been linked to a decrease in depression & anxiety, it is also correlated with an overall reporting of one’s life as being “happy.” Focusing on what you are grateful for daily minimizes the time one could spend focusing on negativity.

The beauty of this practice is the benefit it has on calming and creating a more peaceful mind.  It does not change in a dramatic way what is going on around you, but it allows you to see it differently.

For example…..one of the times I felt the most grateful, the most fulfilled, I was getting my Master’s degree, doing an internship with at Gilda’s Club, working part-time, had a young son at home, and….my Dad underwent 2 stem cell transplants.  Not exactly a dream scenario.  Not exactly without stress, without fear, without heartache.  Yet…each day I was grateful.

It didn’t mean that I felt totally calm.  It didn’t mean the chaos that surrounded me in my daily life vanished.  Rather, it meant that I knew I had a choice to allow the chaos to run its course and destroy my life, or it meant I could focus on gratitude for all that I had in my life…..wanna guess what I chose?

So……tonight….I’m thankful for the not so subtle reminder to recommit to practice gratitude.  DAILY.  And with a very humble spirit, I confess I am grateful for the awareness that we all exist in life with struggles.  We all have inner battles we are facing….but do you want to stay in that space?  I can assure you, with absolute certainty, it isn’t so much what happens in our life that matters, but how we choose…how we choose, to react to them.

What do you choose?

Start today.  Start and end your day in quiet reflection, acknowledging all for which you have to be grateful.

One of my “Facebook friends” recently posted a question to Facebook world wondering, “Does anyone really love his/her job out?” Instantly I responded YES!  Reading subsequent responses allowed me to acknowledge, while I don’t work in the charity/non-profit world anymore, I am still and in some ways more grateful for where I am today in my career.  I am grateful for meaningful work that allows me to have an impact in the lives of people in my community, beyond my original scope of practice.  I am grateful for a flexible schedule that affords me the time to write.  I am grateful for direction from my business coach to be able to “one day soon” launch my online program.  I am grateful who to work challenge me every day. I am grateful for their trust.   I am grateful for patience and grace and compassion, feels awkward to write but I really know these are my strengths and if I wasn’t blessed with the gift of tremendous athletic or vocal talent….I might as well be thankful for what I was blessed with having.  Right?  I am grateful for tremendously talented clinical community whom I learn from every week, hopefully to be a better therapist.  I am grateful for my mistakes in my life, and for having people in my life whom I trust to show me so I can right my wrongs.  And I am grateful for my high school psychology teacher and undergraduate social work professor who planted a seed in me, guiding me on my path and unknowingly becoming my mentors throughout my career.  Thank you.  

For more information on gratitude….

Gratitude article in psychology today

Ways to practice gratitude

Peace….in your journey…..