“Pain is the price for loving.” An open letter to those who are grieving

(My new-fancier version of my blog is in the works, but today was a profoundly sad day for my extended family, and the way I am able to make sense of life when it makes no sense is to…. write.  So here I am.)

I attended a funeral for my cousin’s 21-year-old son today.  I’ve been to so many funerals in my life. However, today was one of the most difficult, also one of the most beautiful.

Today was NOT the end.  I believe with every fiber of my body there is something beyond this life that we can’t even comprehend.  I feel incredibly blessed to have this faith, death is not the end.  There is a promise of eternal life, and one day a reunion of all those we’ve lost in this earthly existence. To those who do not share this belief, it may seem naive or simple, and while I haven’t been to wherever “beyond” is yet, I nonetheless believe.  And yes, days like today, it does bring me comfort in knowing my cousins will one day see their son again.  And this palpable pain, will one day be replaced with joy!

When I was the Program Director for our local cancer community, I used to think of one day being reunited with all those who I served and supported.  I’d think about getting through the pearly gates to be greeted by Professor Rick, Shannon, Rebecca, Mira, Judy, Robin and the countless others who were part of the community.  I would imagine seeing them, and understanding only then the “why” the pain in this life for loving is necessary.  Now? I have no idea, but in this daydreaming, I would imagine in that space finally understanding the “why.” For now, I do on some level understand it is part of the price we pay, for love.  That imagery was comforting, and allowed me to continue with a job that was at times, painful.  It continues to bring me some level of comfort as I have my own grief journey/s in life.

Hearing the words “Pain, is the price for loving” again today, I was brought back to that beautiful community.  Cancer had a way of leveling the playing field for everyone.  It didn’t matter if you had a $1,000,000 in the bank, or nothing.  Cancer didn’t care.  It didn’t matter if you were a size 0 or a size 20. Cancer didn’t care.  It didn’t if you were old or young, black or white, Christian or Jewish or Muslim or no religion at all.  Cancer didn’t care.  And so it brought me back today, to the message of “Pain, is the price for loving.” For in the community, we all supported each other knowing none of us really knew when it was anyone’s time to go to that next phase, Heaven, the great beyond, or whatever else is the next step…..None of us do.  But the Pain- of getting to know others, of loving others, that….was worth it!

My dear cousin’s son didn’t die from cancer, and he was really young and had a lifetime ahead of him to do really amazing things. I am certain, and I am sure his parents and sister and grandma and grandpa and aunts and uncles and cousins and friends and co-workers and fellow students knew it even more.  Why? We will never truly understand, in this life.  But as I looked at all of them today, the pure love they all shared for him, and each other was breathtaking.  They will get each other through the pain.  Their love, for him and for each other is the answer on this Earth, until we reunited one day “beyond” and truly understand the “why”……….

So, we are caught in this dilemma.  We need each other to live truly happy and joy-filled lives.  We truly need each other. Research studies found this to be true.  And yet, in doing so, in truly loving, this pain we are all feeling today, is the price that we pay.  There is no way around it, either you live your live alone as a “hermit” connecting with no one on this Earth, or you choose to engage with and LOVE and in doing so, we are always at risk for this eventual pain.

I so wish I had the answers as to why “bad things happen to good people”, don’t we all?  He was a good young man.  I mean, arguably a really good young man.  Making all the right decisions and doing all the right things.  But, if we believe, if we truly believe this life is not the end, then can we eventually find a way to have comfort in knowing the love we feel in our hearts is not in vain?

When I think of my own hurts in losing one’s I have loved, would I change it to spare myself of the pain?  NO WAY!  And I hope all of you who are reading today take this one message to heart……  LOVE MORE!  LOVE without limits.  And truly make time for family and friends and don’t wait to show each other your love.  And never ever regret loving anyone.

Ugh…I so wanted to having something truly eloquent to end with…but today I just don’t…..But hope my message will reach someone who needs to hear it most. When in doubt…..choose love.

Peace………

 

 

What if you aren’t feeling in the holiday spirit?

“Tis the Season to be jolly”…..but what if you aren’t feeling JOLLY?

Illness.  Death of loved ones.  Break-ups.  Job stress.  No job.  Conflict in family of origin.  Living far away from loved ones.  Being alone.

There are a myriad of reasons why we might not be “feeling it” this holiday season, but what do you do about it?

There is endless pressure to just be happy….I contend that all feelings just are, and none better or worse than any others & all should be able to exist, even if it interferes with everyone else’s holiday plans.

These are “4” of my top ways to help yourself navigate through the holiday season even if you aren’t feeling so celebratory.

• Mindfully, gracefully, gently acknowledge where you are & be ok with just getting through your day if that is all you have in you today.  Ask a friend to talk.  If you don’t feel like you have a confidant, know you have the strength to get you through whatever hardship or heartache you might be facing.  You are strong! You will find your inner peace.
• Practice yoga.  Run.  Walk.  Do something to move your body.  If you feel like sleeping for 12 hours straight, great!  But get up the next day and know if you are to get through, you need to move your body to allow the vessel to get you through even the most difficult of times.  Your are strong!  You will find your inner peace.
• Connect to your spirit side.  If you have a particular faith practice, now is a great time to embrace!  If you don’t, try sitting quietly, with or without music, and simply following your breath in/out, allow your inner self to guide you to your next chapter.  You are strong! You will find your inner peace.
• Do something for someone else.  It’s so easy to do ESPECIALLY this time of the year, but anytime we are feeling too much of our own stuff, find a way to reach out to others and lose yourself in service.  It is simply the absolute best way I know to help us re-group and re-ground.  Carry “blessing bags” with you and hand them out to homeless in your area (include:  snacks, hand warmers, hats, gloves, socks, toothbrushes/paste, etc.).  You are strong.  You will find your inner peace.

Holidays can be really difficult for everyone.  In clinical practice I brace for it every single year because it brings up “stuff” for everyone.  But when you are going through our own personal stuff on top of everyone else’s around you, I implore you to (a) just allow yourself to feel it for as long as you need to ….and then remember, even the darkest of days will pass if you use the above to navigate your own path…….. even if it seems terrifying to imagine.

You are strong.  And you WILL find your inner peace again.

Peace, and Happy Holidays Everyone.