#1 Life in Transition: A guide to letting go

I first heard this song a couple of years ago, and thought it was a romantic love song. Then it wasn’t.

My oldest son is leaving for college in a few short days. We are packing up 2 cars, and taking him to Chicago. I have been preparing for this his entire life, right?

Driving in the car the other day, I heard this familiar song. When I heard the lyrics this time, in the context of preparing for the transition for my son & for our entire home, the feel of the song completely changed for me. Tears flooded down my face & the song I happily (and loudly) sing along with whenever I hear it, I was no longer able to get through without sounding somewhat like a choking frog.

 

All the way…..

How can we honor the uncertainty that inherently exists in transition (like sending our child off to college) while resisting the urge to rush in & rescue a loved one from the lessons that are available during this time?  For all of us who are getting ready to launch our children to college, this is such a tough transition, I have no doubt….but when I think of it, we’ve been really doing this for years. There have been countless firsts.

• Watching as they went from crawling to walking to running through our houses.
• Taking them to preschool or kindergarten and leaving them there, without us!
• Leaving them at their sport practices, while we rushed to Target to get our shopping in before pick up.
• Trusting their friend’s parents to care for them, for their first overnight.
• Making dinner on their own.
• Driving away in the car.
• Writing essays, applying for colleges, and eventually picking a University to attend.

Many, many, many more I am sure.  And for the most part, they’ve been ok each and every time (God willing).  Sure, there have been bumps and bruises along the way, but that is life.  What would’ve happened if we were so afraid our child would fall down that we didn’t allow him/her to walk or run?  My son is now taller and weighs more than me, I’m pretty sure I can’t carry him anymore!  And truth is….by not allowing our child to face transition head on, we are not enabling him/her to reach his/her potential.  Truth.

I think back to the times over my son’s life, desperately wanting to protect him from harm and heartache and realizing what every mother (and father) soon comes to understand…..we can’t.  And we really shouldn’t.  Sadness and fear and sorrow and tears and insecurities and…are all part of the human experience just as much as happiness and joy and laughter pride and……

Transitions happen.  And while we can’t protect our children from all that the word means, we can do just as this song suggests and be there in the moment when he or she needs us, and continue to let them know we are there….All the way.

What can we do?

• FaceTime regularly
• Make sure he/she knows they can come home.  Not that he/she needs to, but security is important in transition.
• Send care packages and get family/friends to do the same.
• Text/call/Facebook or whatever you can to let him/her know you’re right there with him/her in the journey of transition.
• Talk to your village.  Gather your friends with some good food and good wine and lots of kleenex.
• Send notes.
• Every chance you get, let him/her know how proud you are.
• When you get the urge to fix or rescue or solve…don’t.  Just listen.  Just listen…..

In talking with my son today, I reminded him that sometimes it’s ok to feel sad or awkward or lonely or ….. and no matter what he’s feeling, it’ll pass and if he needs help in the transition, just like every single time in his 18 years, I will be right behind him….all the way…..Some of our greatest lessons and growth come from times of transition.  We are meant, as humans, in my humble (and clinical) opinion to continue to grow and change and I for one ….as hard as this next few days and weeks and years are going to be….am going to do my best to truly embrace the uncertainty of transition and sit back as my son follows his dreams.

Truly…..to sit with a loved one & support him/her as he/she follows a dream is such a gift.

Amen…..

Peace…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advice Parents of Young Children Won’t Believe

Summer Break.  Windows open.  Sounds of little voices fill our neighborhood.  Sometimes giggling, sometimes crying….all nostalgic reminders of how quickly time moves.

It seems like only a few moments ago, our family was new to the neighborhood.  We were the family with a baby and a preschooler.  We were the over-decorated Halloween house, the side-walk chalked front side walk, the yard filled with various toys and ride along cars of various shapes and sizes.  We were the red-eyed, spit-up stained clothed, stroller pushing, car seat adjusting, early to bed and far too early to rise parents who often blankly looked at each other muttering something like “will this ever get easier?”

Now…..our house is filled with children who resemble adults in almost every single way.  They’re taller than us.  Smarter than us (of course, they’re late teens/young adults…aren’t they all?).  They eat more than us.  Halloween and Christmas and…..all decorations have been dramatically reduced to an almost obligatory effort to try to still “look” like we are into the holidays.  Side walk chalk has been replaced with a sea of textbooks and papers and online tests.  The yard no longer has a spattering of toys, replaced rather with a room filled of sweaty, loud boys playing xbox or yelling at the TV while WWE is on to entertain them.  Ride along cars are now replaced with ACTUAL CARS.  No more strollers…no more car seats……and often we are in bed way before they are…..

In a moment, it all changes.  And in the midst of it, I remember thinking it felt like eternity getting from day to day.  The monotony has a way of altering perception of time.  And looking back now, I simply cannot imagine where all the time went.

For those reading….if you have children….do you remember that feeling when you first held your child/ren, and thought these probably universal words “how could I ever love this child anymore than I do in this moment?”

You CAN!  And you DO!  I’ve always been amazed at how this works.  Something so unquantifiable….yet tangible in some abstract sense.  My only regret, I didn’t learn to really enjoy the monotony of the moments as I was in them when my kids were small.  Somehow I so was looking for the next step, the next milestone, and now that my oldest is leaving for college in a few short months (OMG!) and my youngest is entering high school….my sentiments are best described in this wonderfully sappy song….

slow down

You will make mistakes.  They might “hate” you for a moment or two.  You will second and third and …guess yourself.  You will one day, be in my space wondering how on earth 18 years has slipped through your fingers with you barely noticing it.  If the grey hairs or impending wrinkles don’t prove to you that you are indeed older, and no longer the parent of a newborn or toddler….the towering “adult-ish” person living beside you will certainly utter something to let you know….he/she is ready to spread his/her wings….and no matter how much you want to respond back……

Know that you only have them for but a moment…..and may be if you read this and PAY ATTENTION…..you will slow down for a moment and enjoy the absolute best wandering journey around……

Peace…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

Go back to college years or remain in 40s? I’d pick 40s…here’s why!

Sure…in our 40s we are no longer starving college students so we may try….but there are certain things money cannot buy.

I spent a weekend in Chicago with my sorority sisters, 2 of whom I haven’t seen since I was in college 20+ years ago. 20+ years, how is that possible?

There was reminiscing of the days (and nights) at University of Dayton, and post college/early 20s years, and the where did the time go?

There was shopping, overly priced cocktails and craft brews, indulgent meals, walk/jog by Navy Pier & along Lakeshore drive, and the obligatory photo-op with the “bean.”

While I loved! loved! loved! all of the “what” we did, it was more the conversations and the support that was given and received that left me thinking….wow….I am blessed to be in my 40s.

While my days in college were filled with classes and working minimal hours at the local daycare center and spending most of my time with friends, what they weren’t filled with was deep conversations or the feeling that I had support (or probably that I was giving support) on any deep level.  While we busy our time so much during those years trying to figure out who we are, we are left with very little time to acutely observe the lives of the people around us.

In our 40s, we are often facing the reality of aging parents, physical or emotion illness of ourselves or others we love, financial triumphs and far too often struggles, challenges of parenting, insecurities with our weight and the aging process, failed or floundering marriages, and a myriad of other very real and difficult life issues….we are also equally blessed with a greater sense of who we are, and who we want to be.  We are not as consumed with finding ourselves, and rather able to stop and look at our friends and family around us and take a moment (or many) to support and comfort them.

While together, we did share some of our struggles, both now and when we were back in college.  Back in the day, I had no idea anyone else was struggling but me.  I never stopped to ask, and certainly would never have shared my personal pain with anyone…..so how would I know?  The only difference between living life in my 40s and then, is I’ve taken the time to be there for my friends and step away from myself as often as I can.  I learned the art of giving and receiving friendship.  Leaning and being the rock.  Talking and listening.  Being vulnerable and being non judgmental.

So when people talk about wanting to go back to the days of college, I think to myself for a moment, yep! Sign me up!  But then I remember this weekend and think NO WAY! While I loved every single moment of college, I am happy to be right where I am now.  Complications of life and all, there is something supremely rich and beautiful about the depth of friendships I now have in my life.  It’s in the depth of the sorrows and joy I feel true friendships emerge.

While on Facebook today, I noticed a flurry of posts in support of a mom from my children’s school who is facing breast cancer.  My heart is warmed knowing no matter what, this lovely woman has a circle of friends praying for and supporting her.  When she may be feeling weak, they will be strong.  I have no doubt she has done the same for another friend before, and hopefully will have that opportunity going forward.  That is what makes true friendship so beautiful…it isn’t being there for when times are fun and easy, it’s the standing by and supporting one another through the storms of life.  

I may have used this song before, but it’s worth repeating…..may be I should start keeping a log?  This was the song we had as our last song, for our last gathering, before graduation with my sorority sisters….better known as my friends who happened to all be in a group with me.  True friends…….are friends forever……

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ped1jYLFtkA

My typical weekend, grown up version…..

My typical weekend, grown up version (not “x” rated version, geez!) is so different from when I was in my early 20s.  You know, back when I “thought” I was a grown up.

No offense to those who may possibly read this and are in that age group, I loved my early 20s.  Back then, I could survive on a  couple of hours of sleep, never “needed” to exercise, could drink however much I wanted and recuperate on the couch the entire next day only to sometimes decide to repeat all over again (yes, this is true.  I’m not proud.  But honest), eat whatever I wanted and maintain roughly the same weight, never even thought about retirement (Ok, I still don’t really think about that yet, probably I should….) and I didn’t have the 2 most wonderful additions in my life who depend on me to actually “be” a grown up instead of just “thinking” I am one.

We lived a very carefree life going to concerts on “school nights”, grocery shopped when there was nothing left in the refrigerator but perhaps a jar of hot sauce and some stale bread and more likely when there was no more beer left in the house (Oh the crisis!), ate whatever was easy rather than what was considerably healthy, and didn’t really think much about it.  Simple.  But thinking back, I didn’t really “feel” healthy during those years.  I think how silly that sounds when logically one in his/her 20s typically is in good health and should feel well.

It wasn’t until I had my children, when I really started seeing myself as a grown up and knowing that I needed to be as healthy as I could for them, for me.

When did that happen?

Somewhere along the way when I forgot for a moment that I was indeed a mom of 2 young children, and decided to go out and have too many drinks (or as our family refers to it “tee many mar-toonies”….doesn’t sound as funny when I write it down…sigh….) and then had to take care of my VERY young children the next day.  Nothing can slap you into reality quite like this scenario.  No sleeping on the couch until God-knows when.  No endless channel surfing of sappy Lifetime movies.  No stumbling to the neighborhood diner to eat some greasy omelet with my then standard diet coke or more preferably diet dr. pepper.  And for sure no repeat performances.

Thank goodness they came along.  For me….I make no judgement when I write that because certainly others function quite well and are quite happy with that pattern in their lives, but for me, my 20something year old self even knew there was a different path for me…..

So flash forward, a FEW years later…….goes something like this….

Friday….in bed by 10pm so I can get up the next day for running with friends.

Saturday….

• up by 7 to make smoothie and get ready to meet friends for group run.
• Meet friends by 8:30 to run 5 miles through a hilly part of town.  Midway in the run, I find out that we are running closer to 7 miles.          Surprise!
• Quick shower and go to yoga at 11:15 with one of my running friends.
• Yoga.  Bliss.
• Shower #2.
• Grocery shopping.  More fruits and vegetables than anything.  I love that!
• Mass.  (church to those non-catholics out there)
• Dinner with Mother in law and family.  One glass of delicious red wine.
• Watching the Olympics.
• Bed by 10:30.

Sunday…..

• Up by 7.  Make smoothie.  Make juices for day.
• Yoga at 8:30.  Fabulous.
• Running with the wonderdog Layla after.
• Shower.
• Afternoon of watching home improvement shows, writing in my blog, planning out my week, and planning for our trip to Europe to run the Berlin Marathon.
• Baked cookies.  New recipe.
• Quiet evening….until my boys asked to have friends stay the night and turn our house into a video game romper room haven.  Sigh…..

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

In my 20s….I didn’t have the energy to desire or energy or understanding of the importance of exercise in my life.  I wouldn’t have ever thought that I could run a marathon let alone be preparing for my 5th.  In my 20s….I never would have thought I’d have the discipline to do a juice fast or even know what one was….now I’ve done several.  In my 20s….I never would have thought a great day started with yoga and running…..now I’m bummed out if I can’t fit it in with my schedule with work and mom duty.  In my 20s….the thought of staying in meant I was either sick or broke (or both)…now it means I am hanging with my family watching Transformers for the zillionth time, and content in doing so.  This may or may not include having a beer or wine, instead of 20.  In my 20s….I spend way more time trying to be the person I thought others wanted me to be….rather than being the person I want to be.  Period.  When my mostly grown up self thinks about it now….I really want to get to the point of not caring what others think of me, not in a place of irreverence, but of living with integrity and grace and knowing my decisions are the best for me.  Period.

“Keeping up the appearance of having all your marbles is hard work, but important.” Sara Gruen, Water for Elephants.  

Interesting quote…but do any of us really have all our marbles?  Aren’t the oddities that make all of us unique really ok?

In the end, I don’t want to think of being a grown up as being boring.  My choices to live healthier more days than not, don’t mean that I pass on the extra cocktail all the time, to me it just means that I’ve for the first time in my life have balance.

“Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm, and harmony.” Thomas Merton

EXACTLY!

Peace…..

You want to go where to college? Tales of an art school bound parent……

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” Soren Kierkegaard

I remember talking with a friend of mine in college who hated the degree he was pursuing.  His parents were making him get his degree in engineering and he hated it.  Although he was inclined to do well in the program, it wasn’t what he wanted to do.  I remember thinking to myself how sad that was….to be going to college, to be studying for a career- your career- and you hating it.  I felt blessed that my parents never questioned my decision to get my degree in psychology (and eventually my master’s in social work).  I wonder, however, with the wisdom of now being the parent of a college bound son in 2 years, about the delicate balance between encouraging your child to do whatever he/she wants, and guiding them to something they can actually make enough money to live independently.  That’s a challenge, right?  Finding something we are really good at and something we can support ourselves at as well.  I often wonder about my friend….did his parents make the right decision to continue to encourage him towards a career he vehemently hated studying knowing in the end, it would be the right path for him…..

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a therapist.  I took a psychology class in high school and I was fascinated by the complexity of human behavior.  The “why’s” of human decisions and motivations has always been way more interesting to me than what people actually do.  It’s not what happens so much in our life that matters, it’s what we choose to do with it.  How do some people flourish from meager or “dysfunctional” beginnings, while others who appear to have everything they want in life, flounder?  Fascinating to me….

Fast forward to today.

My oldest son comes out of school all excited.  “Guess who came to visit our school today?”

Thoughts through my mind….

• Local professional athlete? No.
• Local musician? No.
• Politician.  No….I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be excited about that, what was I thinking? Geez…
• Bishop?  (He goes to Catholic school.  It could happen.) No.

Hmmm? Who?

SCAD.  Don’t know who (or maybe it’s really a what) SCAD is?  Well then clearly you either don’t have an artistic child (or a child at all) or they’re too young to know….because I had NO idea until about a year ago.  SCAD is also known as Savannah College of Art and Design.  An elite art college- yes…art college- my son is really, really interested in attending.  His art teacher, whom we adore, told us about it and said, and I quote “Oh, I know, it’s every parent’s worse nightmare to have his/her child say he/she wants to go to art school”….and a VERY expensive one at that.  And WOW! was she right.  It’s terrifying.  The first thought is, oh my gosh I must be a grown up because I’m thinking…you guessed it…”Will he be able to make a living and support himself with a degree from an art school?”

How on earth did I get to be that person? I don’t want to be that mom!

From the time my son was little, he has always been drawing,  creating. He loves art, he loves animation, he loves music, he is an artist.  I remember his teacher in kindergarten telling us “Um, your son is drawing so much on his assignments, I can’t even read them to grade them.” They were literally covered with his drawings.  We agreed he would only draw on the backs of his assignments, so she could at least grade the “work” he had done.  Looking back, it seems counterintuitive to contain the artistic energy he has always possessed.

So in the moment today, I focused on my son.  On his dreams.  On his future.  On his talents.  I am so proud of the unique, sensitive, smart, and cool kid he is and happy he has an idea of what he wants to do his life.

What if the parents of the Beatles told their kids they should be scientists? Or what if the parents of Charles Schultz wanted him to go into the family business rather than create the Charlie Brown and Snoopy?  Or what if the parents of Christian Dior wanted him to be a coal miner rather than a famous fashion designer?  Or what if the parents of Yoshitoshi ABe wanted him to be a librarian rather than a famous anime artists (Ok, I had to look up this one because my son currently is really into Manga- a type of Japanese anime)?  What would our lives- all of our lives- be without art? 

Each day, we have a choice.  To look at life through lenses of negativity, or choose to look at the wonder and the endless possibilities in life.  I hope my 20-year-old self would be proud of the grown up person I’ve become- in remembering to support my child no matter what he wants to be.

And being an artist is just about the coolest thing I can think of anyway…..

“I would like to find a way to embrace what Led Zeppelin did, in filmmaking.” Nicholas Cage. 

Maybe that’ll be my son?  Finding a way to embrace what other truly brilliant artist have done in his own artistic genre?

Peace……

Finding peace in the January blahs….

For so long I thought peace was something that would just “happen”….like I’ve prayed for it for YEARS….certainly God is listening to me, right?

Frustrating….there are days it’s like crickets….nothing….

FRUSTRATING….

Then somewhere in the past month, it started to come to me, maybe peace really is in the journey.  In the chaos, bad news, struggles, hardships, joys, sorrows, laugher, joy….in the process of learning to let go and choose a peaceful state no matter the circumstance one is facing in order to truly appreciate what “being at peace” is all about? I stumbled upon this….

“Peace…..is does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work; it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.”  unknown….

It’s so much easier to be peaceful and happy when all is good in life, but soooooooooooooooooooo much harder when life is just….life.  the doldrums of day-to-day, the sloshing through the blackened snow on the side of the road, the oh my gosh what am I possibly going to pull together for dinner tonight kind of days….

But that’s exactly when we need to center and find peace, right?  Who isn’t peaceful when the sun is shining and you’re sitting on the beach relaxing with your family/friends and drinking a cold beverage?  But if everyday was like that, would we really appreciate the good days?  I’m told “no”….I’m not totally sure I buy it…..but maybe?

So….what do we do? Surrender to January blahs?  Or actively work towards finding that inner peace?

Certainly the path towards peace is different for everyone one, but what is sorta helping me right now get through this horribly dreary month is:

• Baking.  Who knew I’d have such an urge to bake even being on a mostly juice fast/feast? I know baking is my way of giving to others, it is my art form if you will, and I find peace in doing for others.  Easy.
• Yoga.  Still wonderful calming and I’m still horrible although ever so slightly not as horrible at doing it.  I still have tears at the end of each workout and proud of the inner calm and meditative state I am able to achieve each workout.  Thankful to Kacee for great yoga sessions and keeping me motivated.
• Running.  Yes, still running.  Not far right now (though I really need to up my miles soon as the marathon I’m scheduled to run isn’t going to run itself).
• Prayers.  Listing to music.  Tasting new vegetable juice combinations.  Making my own sweet potato baked fries.  Playing fetch with my wonder dog, Layla.  Driving Miss Gloria.  Wearing cool boots.  My new “26.2” bracelet made by my running friend Tanya.  LOVE IT! Watching the snow fall.  Listening to clients in session and feeling honored that I’m the one person in the world they are able to confide in, and watching the process begin to transform their life. Breakfast with friends.  Tea with friends.  Helping my mom get ready for a family party and calm her down in the midst of the chaos.  Hugging my teenage son and feeling him sink into my hug.  Getting my hair done and return back to its natural color (ha).  Texting silly banter with friends.  Listening to my youngest son giggle with his friends…..

5 minutes….a simple exercise to sit still and think…what brings me peace?  Am I choosing to focus on those things, or the negativity that surrounds us in our world, whether we invite it or not.  It’s a choice.  Today….what are you choosing?

Final thought…perfect for today….”Don’t let the behaviors of others destroy your inner peace.” Dalai Lama.

Peace and Happy Tuesday……

Peace….and teenagers (another running edition) and cross country.

I love cross-country.  Why did I not run in high school?

I spent 4 days “up north” with 22 High School Cross Country kids this past week.  Let me start to clarify for those outside of Michigan a few things…..

What is “up north?”

• No, it does not necessarily mean the “Upper Peninsula, aka the UP” but it can be.
• Yes, it does include areas that aren’t necessarily “up north” but rather to the far west of the state (i.e. Saugatuck or South Haven)  that are actually more south than north of Metro Detroit.
• Yes, it does include most of the state of Michigan that is outside of Metro Detroit.
• Yes, everyone in Michigan understands the above unwritten rules.
• And yes, it is appropriate and commonplace (and perhaps enviable for those residing in other states) to use your hand as map for point of reference.

For clarification, I was actually in the northern mid section of the lower peninsula.  Far way for the traffic and the pace of the city, surrounded by pine trees as far as the eye could see.

I chaperoned my son’s cross-country camp along with 3 coaches.  Each day, the teens would run in the morning…..goof around all day….and then run in the afternoon.  They’d run up/down hills (something we don’t have down in the city), they’d run on the dirt roads, they’d run through the snowmobile trails, they’d run together, often silently gliding along with one another for miles and miles.

I decided to run most of the runs with them while I was there.  Yes, me….a 42-year-old late to running mother of 2 decided I’d try to keep up with these kids, many of whom had been running for longer than I had been!

I pushed myself to keep pace and often was just behind the kids, but thought to myself, “hey, I’m a 42-year-old mother of 2, I’m pretty happy I can even get out there and sorta keep up with them!” I tried to chit-chat with them along the way, forgetting sometimes that I am indeed a “42 year old…” and perhaps they didn’t really want to chit-chat with me, but they were all sweet and obliged.  At least to my face…..Sigh……

I left camp with a new appreciation of the sport.  Although I’ve been a runner, and a distance runner, for over 8 years, I sometimes still feel like there is still so much I need to learn about the sport.  I enjoyed seeing it through the eyes of the kids on the team.

When people are quick to judge all teens as bad, or trouble….I wish they could have had a few moments to see what I did for days on end.

22 teens, some with fantastic athletic ability and some who are in the sport perhaps for other reasons (to get in shape or to be a part of a team sport).  22 teens, most with high academic achievements and all with academic standards I think much higher than I had for myself at their age.  22 teens, involved in ministry and service and committed to serving God.  22 teens, goofy and gangly and all together beautiful.  22 teens, more concerned with having fun together on a run than pushing each other down.  22 teens, all waiting until the very last runner came back from his/her run to start with the next activity.  22 teens, more supporters than competitors and more family than just team members.

Why did I not run cross-country?

I was a cheerleader, a tennis player and a basketball player all for about a minute.  Basketball player?  Yes, really…..I’m 5 foot 3 inches on a “tall day” so really, not surprising that one didn’t last, eh?

But watching these kids, I was constantly reminded of my love for the sport, and the discipline each and every one has to have in his/her own way.  Discipline to run, even when their hurting.  Discipline to run, even if they aren’t the fastest kid on the field.  Discipline to run, not as a punishment for messing up in their sport of choice but rather because it IS THEIR SPORT OF CHOICE.  RUNNING.  SIMPLY FOR THE LOVE OF AND UNDERSTANDING OF THE BENEFITS OF THE SPORT.

Loved being a part of it.

Searching for a quote….this reminded me of the spirit of the kids, or teens, or young adults I had the privilege, yes, privilege to chaperone this past weekend….

“What defines us isn’t how many times you crash, but the number of times you get back up.” Sarah Dessen.   

It isn’t so much those who are gifted and win the race than impress me (oh yes….they are amazing, don’t get me wrong), but the kids who run the race, even if they know they have no ability (for now) to win.

When people ask me why I run the race (marathons) even if I know I have no chance of winning (ok, “people” really means my youngest son…..), I can explain it as simply as this……

If I focus on winning as my only goal, then I am missing the point of the journey…….

Peace, and Happy Running…… and go hug a cross county kid!

(not in a creepy way, however….)