When did extroversion become the goal? (Introverts unite! Separately in our own homes…..)

I love this image! The more I delve deep into the world of introversion vs extroversion, the more sense this makes to me.  I have been taught to believe through messages in school, in media, and professional conferences (I will explain later) and seemingly everywhere I turn this:  extroversion is the standard to which we all should aspire.

Often confused with being shy or socially awkward, which indeed I may be at times, introversion is much more about the process to which one processes thoughts and ideas and the world around us.  While there have been times in history when we revered the great “thinkers” of the world, a shift has certainly occurred where we defer to the one in the room or group who responds first, loudest, and with the greatest sense of enthusiasm, none of which have been proven to be effective selective criteria to determine outcomes or results.  Yet, this process continues in our education system, organizations, businesses, government, and even in families.

Two interesting definitions I found in preparation for this topic:  “the quality of being shy or reticent” and “the tendency to be concerned more with one’s own thoughts and feelings than with the external things.” 

Yes!

This is absolutely the reality in which I live, having significantly more thoughts swooning around my mind than I readily share with the world around me. Until recently, even though my education tells me there is no more of a way for an introvert to change to be an extrovert than the other way around (though I believe you’d be hard pressed to find any extroverts who have been told they should be more introverted, a reality introverts are faced with on a regular basis) ….part of me still wished I was born an extrovert.  I wanted to be the gregarious kid in school who freely shared ideas, I wanted to be the outgoing and bubbly cheerleader who didn’t stop because others were looking at her, I wanted to be in theater or…. but as much as I desired to be any/all of these things….putting myself out there in these formats felt as foreign to me as it may be for others to sit in meditation, or spend the day just writing without outside stimuli, or walking in the park with no one else around me but the birds & squirrels and my dog.  That is bliss for me, that is how I am wired, and to aspire to be anything different than who I am is an insult to how and why I was created.  In my humble opinion.

I mentioned a Professional conference earlier.  It is worth noting to show the great leaning towards extroversion as the ideal standard we shall all aspire to attain.  The message continues today, even when we know introversion and extraversion are innate character traits and thus not possible, nor should we aspire, to change.  A year ago, I attended a conference where Tony Robbins was presenting/speaking/doing his schtick.  If you aren’t familiar with his work, I encourage you to look it up!  The room was FREEZING, by his design.  The music leading up to the event was LOUD, by his design.  The energy was overwhelming, again, by his design.  As he went through his standard schtick, engaging the audience, many of whom were into the jumping/singing/dancing/yelling thing….I was struck by not only my reaction but many others in the room.  I wasn’t moved to dance, I wasn’t moved to sing, I wasn’t moved to shout out responses or jump up and down, and left thinking certainly there was something wrong with me because I didn’t.  The larger than life personality,  who has a cult-like following clearly was giving the message that this IS the standard to which we all should aspire.  To be successful, I caught myself thinking,  I need to figure out how to be like him.   Every fiber in my body was saying, this is not me, so may be there is something wrong with me.

I went for a walk after the session ended.  Feeling crappy…was this his intention, I wondered.  I listened to music, lost in my own thoughts…and suddenly thought….Wait!  While this may work for some, I know in my heart I could take every advanced class he offers and spend thousands of dollars to try to “improve” myself, but I will not change the reality that I am wired for introversion.  This is who I am.  And the bigger “a-ha moment” is this:  I don’t want to be like him, or anyone else.  Here’s why….

I am a good listener.  I have great empathy and a calm with my clients, my family and my friends.  I enjoy writing and reading and contemplating the great mysteries of life:  like what happens after we die or why doesn’t broccoli takes like chocolate?  I am imaginative and creative and introspective.  I like quiet, and comfortable reading or listening to music or baking or walking my dog ….all of which I am totally content doing alone.  I have known heart ache and the feeling of wishing I was something more than I am, allowing me to really truly empathize with clients in a way that I may not if I was something other than who I am.  I am slow to respond at times, but rest assured when I do , it is with great intention and thought and not just the first thing that comes to mind.  Being introverted is a gift for me, professionally and personally and I am grateful for this new perspective that has allowed me to see it this way.

I am grateful to the people in my life who encouraged me to start writing in a public format, nearly 6 1/2 years ago.  At the time, blogging was relatively new and it was more of an experiment in vulnerability than a great literary achievement, for me.  When I look back to 179 PUBLIC blog posts I have published (many more have remain in draft form) I am even amazed at the vulnerability (Brene Brown would be so proud) I have shown in this format.  Body image issues, depression, anxiety, grief, thoughts on suicide, most of which I haven’t felt open enough to talk with friends and family about, I have been able to do in my writing. It isn’t so much of “fear” of sharing, or feeling awkward or shy…more so of needing a way to express myself on my terms, and in my time.  That is the key:  allowing space for everyone to participate in the conversation.  While I am not suggesting every person needs to blog or write or create in a quiet intentional way, (ok, I think that’d be amazing if we all did!) I am suggesting that we as a people work more effectively when we celebrate each other’s differences and strengths & aspire to find effective ways for ideas to surface for all members at the table, vs deferring readily to the loudest, most animated or first to respond.

While I’ve been told in my life, often, that I am guarded, I never really understood why.  The thought process that used to leave me feeling “less than” changed when I started reading the work of Susan Cain.  To be able to think about and process thoughts, vs having to react or comment or have an opinion on something on the spot isn’t something that works for me, or other introverts.

The “I’m not enough” mentality in me that can quite easily get triggered has long been intermingled with this observation and understanding that society greatly values and relegates those who are born extroverted as having accomplished some form of greatness when in fact they are just doing what comes naturally to them.  And that is awesome!  We all love a lively extrovert.  However, as introverts, we are often told to try harder to be more “outgoing” when every fiber in our bodies is telling us otherwise.  I still vividly remember attending school conferences for my sons when they were younger, and being told there was a desire by the teachers for them to participate more in classes by raising their hands or being more animated in class discussions.  As recent as last year, in the 10th grade, my younger son had a teacher who would not only give points to students who participated with “enthusiasm in class” but would take them away if a student didn’t participate DAILY in class.  I want to say now, are you freaking kidding me?  What does that have to do with his getting an education?  They’re both smart, creative, compassionate, charming, funny young men…who are both introverted.  One should NEVER be punished for being who you were created to be.

I wonder….. have any teachers ever thought to take points away if a student didn’t spend time each day in quiet contemplation, or thinking about the meaning of life, or writing the next great novel or ……

I wonder….have any teachers ever thought to reward students who are creative, and quiet and doing their work alone, but with purpose and meaning?

We have such a long way to go……

 

How running a marathon changed my life & why you should find your own “marathon” too!

Fear has two meanings:

• Forget everything and run
• Face everything and rise

You choose.

If you’ve made it past the title of this post you’re either:

• Curious about running a marathon
• A marathon runner
• A family member/friend reading just to be supportive, which is lovely too….
• Caught my purposeful use of quotation marks around “marathon” and are curious what I meant

What is your “marathon?”

I grew up with the clear belief that I was not an athlete.  I’m not sure where that belief emerged from and how it took hold.  In reflection, however, a deeper truth bubbled to the surface.  It wasn’t so much that I was un-athletic, rather my insecurity and anxiety and introversion that influenced my relationship with sports or activities in general. The fear of putting myself out there for others to see me, to really see me, was so frightening that I chose to hide behind the contrived belief that I was un-athletic as a safer way to navigate through my formative years.

When I started running/walking in my mid-30s, it was more as a way to relieve stress & have a few moments where no one needed me.  More specifically, I longed for a few moments where someone wasn’t saying “Mom! Mom! Mom!” or “What are we having for dinner?” It was a few moments of an escape for me.

I never even considered training for let alone finishing a marathon.  What would I have to draw from over the course of my life to make be think that was possible?  Nothing!  If someone had suggested that I write a book (and understand what I was writing about) on quantum physics, that would be more believable!  As a clinical social worker with a background in psychology and religious studies, that would be a magnificent stretch to even ponder.  However, somewhere early in the process, something shifted in me and I started to believe the unbelievable.

With each step on my training runs, each day I’d log my miles, each new pair of shoes I’d purchase, each small run I’d participate in and complete, each blister or sore muscle I’d take notice of along the way, my mindset started to shift from there is no way, to what if? What once seemed impossible became possible by my DAILY ritual of participating in the process.  The daily ritual of training runs, cross training, and even rest days IS what made the difference in my belief system.  The trite bucket list item of “I want to run/complete a marathon” became a reality for me.

In the fall of 2006, I ran and completed my first marathon in Detroit.  I joined the group of less than 1% of the world’s population who has completed this distance.  I DID THAT!  ME!  The:

• Un-athletic Me
• Picked last in gym class Me
• Didn’t make “insert sport here” Me
• Didn’t try out for “insert sport/activity here” Me

I that fall….I completed the first of my 5 full marathons.  And while I did not set any momental records or place with any significance that day, I cannot explain the emotions that came pouring out of me as I crossed the finish line that glorious October day.

What once seemed ridiculous became a reality and regular activity for me for the next decade.  Marathon running has taken me and my husband to many cities in the US (and Berlin in 2014), enabled me to inspire others to train for and complete many marathons on their own, and allowed me the privilege to fundraise & encourage others to do so for a favorite local charity.  Had I not started somewhere, and trusting in the process even though I wasn’t always certain of the destination, none of that would have happened.

And here is the biggest secret I want to share….the marathon itself is NOT the most important part of this story.  It isn’t the most important message of my story.  It is the challenge of the limiting belief: “I am not an athlete” that allowed me to more fully acutalize my human potential.  We are more than our beliefs.  We are more than our history.  We are more than the negative memories/concept of self we bring into our adulthood.  We are all so…. much….. more….

So what is your marathon? What are you dreaming of doing but allowing fear or self-doubt or limiting beliefs prevent you from taking the next step?  What are you waiting for to start?

 

It has been said having a goal without a plan is just a dream.  As humans, we have ready-made countless ways to procrastinate:  facebook, twitter, insert social media here, sleeping, etc….  Imagine what you could achieve if you started a daily ritual today and committed to a plan for your dream?

How do you do this?

• Daily ritual (small steps towards your “marathon”, daily)
• Accountability partner/s- someone/s whom you check in with regularly to support you in your process
• Positive messages in your periphery as much as possible (I can do this! messages on your mirror, on your phone, in your wallet, etc.)
• Dream of something that seems unattainable and try it anyway!  Who cares if you fail!  On one’s death-bed, I’m certain we may regret the things we did not do rather than the things we tried, even if we failed in our attempts.

Life is a journey worth LIVING.  Are you LIVING or merely EXISTING in yours?

Would love to hear about your own “marathons” & how you took the “impossible dream” into your reality.

Peace……..

 

 

 

Living our own path: reclaiming our own unique voice

Hot.  Crowded.  Mats lined up in rows.  Touching.  Beginning of yoga class, could be any class….this particular morning I sat in the stillness before class.  As the teacher began class, and there were some exchanges back and forth about “any special requests” and for some reason, the experience struck a chord in me.

I would never even say if I had a “special request” if I did actually have one.  My voice is small.  And lives mostly inside my head.  My hips might be throbbing in pain, or my shoulders tight, but would I actually relay this to the yoga teacher in front of the class?  Highly doubtful.  I was actually thinking, where do these people get the confidence to state their needs/wants out loud, without filter, without fear of judgment, without worry? How has my experience been different that I would still, in my 47-year-old self, striving to be assured self, not want to burden others with what I might need, for fear of inconveniencing others. As much work as I’ve done and continue to do on myself, why is taking up space on my mat (or otherwise) met with having to justify my existence in some way?

The class was a blur.  Literally.  I was not mindful.  I was not present.  I was not focused.  I am sure my postures were sloppy and jittery…. I was somewhere else.  Scouring through my brain trying to understand why something as simple as this, was somehow symbolic for my life.  Always putting others needs first.  Not advocating for self.  Not valuing my needs/wants, at least at the same rate as others.  And before I go into the “oh, it’s just my way” as some sort of self-sacrificing angelic way of being, the hard truth is it is more about my not wanting to feel exposed, or vulnerable.  If I don’t ask for what I need/want, then I won’t be disappointed.  That’s awful to even write, but in my purest of heart, I know it is true.  I’d rather just nod, and say it’s all ok, then to really dig deep and say, “um, no it isn’t….” in really any aspect of life.

It is a life-long challenge for me.  And may be it’s a “first world problem” that I don’t really say where I want to go to eat, or voice my disapproval for poor service when we’re out to dinner, or gently pushing back when I feel like I am being mistreated by family members or friends, or…. may be it’s not that big of a deal.  But my concern is this…. it limits my voice. It limits all of our voices, when we self regulate, filter, downplay, withhold, stuff down…what we are really feeling/thinking/experiencing.

I don’t have the answers, I don’t have a solution.  I don’t even have a commitment to self to say, “Self….I am going to commit to doing this to expand my voice and be BRAVE enough to just do it, regardless of the outcome”…it’s true, I don’t have that.  And it is also true I don’t like to write about stuff until I have it somehow figured out in my mind & actually practicing it in my life.  It’s a real, painful, raw realization of the complexities of living in the body of a deeply introverted person, who also knows her path at least in some way, includes writing about/talking about my own life struggles to connect with others whom I am sharing space on this place we call Mother Earth.  I recognize both the desire to honor my life’s purpose (which this is part of it) and the absolute fear of being vulnerable in the process.  I’ve thought about “is it possible to have a voice and share my personal struggles and still be invisible?”  And sadly the answer I have come up with is….No.  Sigh….

In clinical practice, this theme comes up routinely.  Listening to others who continue to struggle with the very same issues I do- we all do!  Living our own purpose…..and may be my own internal struggle allows me to emphatically listen and guide and help facilitate change in ways that I would be unable to do if I was closed to his topic of personal growth.  I can relate in a very clear/emotional/deep moment of the real struggle of wanting to have a voice, while at the same time wanting to be invisible- as in some ways that status is so much easier….. no one sees you, no one knows your inner most thoughts/feelings/desires….and you are accountable to no one.  And yet…we all are to the greater collective with whom we share this space & time.

I was listening to this podcast recently- on the topic of finding our purpose in life.  How often do we feel like we lose our way, or we are living our life because of other’s expectations for us (or perceived expectations), or living a life based on others around us and thinking that is also our path.  And in reality, none of those will ever bring us happiness.  None!  When we are living a life that is not authentically “who we are” ….we will never be happy.  We will struggle with the feeling not good enough or less than- and true happiness and fulfillment will never come from that space. While I understand this on an intellectual level, the struggle comes in with putting it into practice….and what has begun to gently shift it for me was this comment…..

When the author was asked “how do you find your path”….the simple, and so true response was this…. “you don’t need to ‘find’ it, as your path, your purpose, your unique reason for being different from any one else who has ever or will ever be on earth, is in you from the very beginning.  You cannot lose what is in you from the start.”

Wow.

So may be for all of us- it’s about being more fully present- and allowing space for the path- if it has gotten pushed down or ignored for a long time- to find us again.  I believe we get one chance here on earth…and my days may be few or plentiful.  And I cannot change which one it may be.  But what I do have the power to change, is allowing my own voice, in my own way, to be heard again.  And in some ways, if I let go of feeling like I need to know what direction or format that will be, I am allowing for the universe or God or karma or whatever force is necessary to allow my story, my voice, to do what is has always been meant to do.

I challenge all of you who read this today- to allow space for your path to reveal itself.  And to ask yourself…are you living the life you are truly meant to live, or are you living one for others around you?  True happiness is in living your own journey…. unapologetically.

Love to hear your thoughts…. and wishing your continued peace in your journey……