My strength is my weakness. My weakness is my strength.
I cannot remember a day when I didn’t think about my weight, about what I was eating, or shouldn’t be eating, or drinking….about what others thought of me. It has become so much a part of who I am, I sometimes forget that others may not share this self destructive practice. Though it is significantly less an issue than it was when I was younger, it persists.
I remember years ago suggesting to others whom I worked with who’re diagnosed with cancer, and more recently to clients dealing with anxiety and depression, to try yoga and explained the benefits. I. Had. No. Idea. None!
I spent the past 10 years running, only. Running was a way for me to work through my body image issues, focusing on what I could do rather than my limitations. It has been transformative. As my chronic pain condition got worse, and forced me to re-evaluate my long distance running….I searched for another outlet. One door closes….one opens. I found yoga 2 years ago….and a fight for my time and attention between the two has ensued ever since.
This weekend. Packed in like sardines in this warm, energetic space with 40+ others… different genders, different races, different ….well different in many ways…. listening to our teacher instruct not only the poses but giving us thoughts to ponder as we hold Warrior 1 or Warrior 2 or Downdog or Eagle….
I become inspired. A new level of letting go, I can feel it beginning…..
Midway through class, the words I remember were more about the unity of our human experience than our differences. Though we may all “look” different, the human condition is alarmingly similar. While we may think we are “the only person in the world struggling with ‘X’ issue” (I know,for I hear clients utter these exact words on a daily basis in clinical practice), we have far more in common with one another than we do differ as people.
For a few brief moments, I was no longer the creeping up on middle age woman who has struggled with her own self image her entire life, rather I am this collective body of strong, focused, struggling, vulnerable, giddy, grimacing, flawed and perfect people….Wow. Powerful. Another layer of my life long struggle with body acceptance is slothing off as gently as the beads of sweat pour off my face.
Class ended with this amazing song. Tears welled up in my eyes…..
Epiphany!
What if I am exactly who I am to be right in this very moment?
In that moment, clearly I could feel this desire to stop dieting, stop obsessing, stop over analyzing my mistakes and just being uniquely and commonly me.
My strength is my weakness. My weakness is my strength. It/they are who I am and who we all are. Strengths and weaknesses are the common bond that makes us uniquely human, and maybe not even unique at all. And may be it was necessary all along for me to have the weakness, so that I could be humble & compassionate and help others. And truly, I know there is NO DOUBT that is my strength. To help others. Being vulnerable, sharing my own struggles in life no longer scares me for I know I am, you are, we all are flawed yet perfect.
This weekend in yoga, I got it….and the struggle I’ve carried with me from house to house, city to city, relationship to relationship, job to job…..no longer had a place in my life. No longer had control over me. Freeing, right?
Because I know years of allowing myself to succcumd to these negative thoughts will not fade away forever without effort on my part to reframe and reshape them, my plan is not NOT DIET, ….exercise daily, eat healthfully daily, meditate/pray daily, practice acts of service/regularly, develop a healthier sense of self…….continuing on my journey to a stronger, more peaceful sense of self…..won’t you join me?
http://www.strongpeacefulwomen.com
peaceinthejourney 