Why sitting with our discomfort IS the way to move through it (and the various ways we try to bi-pass the feelings)

We do not grow in the space of comfort.  

I have this conversation with clients and family and friends on a nearly daily basis.  No matter how many times I have the conversation, no matter how many times I hear it or read it from others far more “evolved or enlightened” than I am, the inner dialogue in my head remains:

• I want the easy button!
• Haven’t I endured enough?
• Isn’t there another way?

If there was, I’d take it.  If there was, I’d recommend it.  There isn’t an easy path to process uncomfortable feelings.  If we want to move through them….we have to go through it.  That is the way.

Reading the works of Brene Brown, I was quickly hooked in/drawn into the truth that we, as a culture, are constantly seeking ways to comfort/numb/escape ourselves when we are hurting or struggling, emotionally or physically.  While many methods (drinking, shopping, eating, etc) are super effective, albeit temporarily, to numb our feelings, choosing to use these methods as a way to escape does nothing but just that….NUMB.  And just like getting an epidural to treat a pain condition, once the numbing effects wear off, unless you deal with the root cause of pain, it will resurface. Again.  and again.  And again.

Pain (emotional or physical) continues in our life until we have learned what it has to teach us.  

After graduation, I was not initially accepted to grad school.  Instead of going home and getting any job a BA in psychology would allow me to do (and that isn’t much, future undergrad psych majors!), I decided to apply and accepted a year-long volunteer position in New Mexico.  While I wasn’t certain what I would be doing day-to-day, I had expressed interest to work with the New Mexico AIDS Taskforce (this was in the height of the AIDS epidemic) and Casa Esperanza, or House of Hope, a short-term housing for people who were being treated for cancer at the local hospital.  I lasted in this position for a few months.

In looking back, what I told others about why I left was based in truth, but not entirely.  While the experience was not as I had hoped, feeling the work was too basic and far beneath my clearly expert clinical skills with my exceedingly impressive bachelors degree in psychology (hoping you can sense my great sarcasm now, but probably this was closer to the truth of what I thought I had to offer the world at that time!), the work itself was not the main issue.  The TRUTH is I was uncomfortable.  In every single aspect of this experience.  I missed the comforts of home. I missed my family.  I missed my friends.  I missed my Diet Dr Pepper.  And …..I quit.  Gulp.

It is hard to write- and hard to read.  And hard to acknowledge.

I regret it to this day.  I regret what this set in motion, and the years I spent looking for the easy path to avoid my own discomfort.  My reaction to discomfort was to find a way out.  In jobs, in relationships, in goals in life both personal or professional.  When I was scared, felt hurt, I’ve wanted to find something to make those feelings go away.  Many of the super effective but albeit temporary “fixes” I have tried!  Super unhealthy, super contrary to what I preach to clients, super destructive.  And the worst part of it all…..the same shit I was trying to escape, was still there for me to deal with anyway!

• What we resist, persists.
• “Pain” will continue until we learn the lesson that it is there to teach us.
• If we want things to be different, we have to do things different-ly.
• Pain, all pain, is temporary.
• We grow in environment where we are being challenged.

Pain, physical or emotional, is temporary and inevitable in our human form.  What we choose to do with it, is optional.  What we choose to do with it is optional.  

Recognizing that truth, has changed things for me.  When I am in yoga and I want to leave because of something we are doing or a message that has been woven intentionally in the practice is stirring something up for me, I remind myself it is temporary.  I remind myself if I want to move forward, I need to sit with the feelings & listen to what they are trying to teach me. When I am hurt from a family member or friend, instead of internalizing the feelings & somehow defaulting to it is my fault (another journey I am on), I give myself permission to be hurt but not to try to fix what I did not break.  For peacekeepers, healers, of recovering co-dependents, this feels ground breaking!  No longer am I willing to hustle for my worthiness with anyone in my life, and in doing so….I found my own self worth.  That was a lesson, no amount destructive coping/numbing agents could have ever taught me.  The lesson showed up over and over and over and over and over in my life until I finally just SAT WITH THE FREAKING feelings of being hurt, without trying to numb them, without trying to apologize for a wrong I hadn’t done.

Discomfort is part of the human condition.  How we choose to respond to it is our choice.  The next time discomfort shows up for you…. can you:

• Sit with the feelings and ask what they are trying to teach you
• Meditate & allow yourself to soften into the feelings rather than running from or trying to numb yourself from them
• Remind yourself ALL feelings are temporary
• Look for patterns and see them as opportunities for growth
• Put energy into friends/family who support you rather than adding to your internal dialogue of negativity
• Be Brave!

I wish my 22-year-old self would’ve been brave enough to do some of the work I’m doing now, but she wasn’t ready.  Are you?

Peace………

 

 

Living our own path: reclaiming our own unique voice

Hot.  Crowded.  Mats lined up in rows.  Touching.  Beginning of yoga class, could be any class….this particular morning I sat in the stillness before class.  As the teacher began class, and there were some exchanges back and forth about “any special requests” and for some reason, the experience struck a chord in me.

I would never even say if I had a “special request” if I did actually have one.  My voice is small.  And lives mostly inside my head.  My hips might be throbbing in pain, or my shoulders tight, but would I actually relay this to the yoga teacher in front of the class?  Highly doubtful.  I was actually thinking, where do these people get the confidence to state their needs/wants out loud, without filter, without fear of judgment, without worry? How has my experience been different that I would still, in my 47-year-old self, striving to be assured self, not want to burden others with what I might need, for fear of inconveniencing others. As much work as I’ve done and continue to do on myself, why is taking up space on my mat (or otherwise) met with having to justify my existence in some way?

The class was a blur.  Literally.  I was not mindful.  I was not present.  I was not focused.  I am sure my postures were sloppy and jittery…. I was somewhere else.  Scouring through my brain trying to understand why something as simple as this, was somehow symbolic for my life.  Always putting others needs first.  Not advocating for self.  Not valuing my needs/wants, at least at the same rate as others.  And before I go into the “oh, it’s just my way” as some sort of self-sacrificing angelic way of being, the hard truth is it is more about my not wanting to feel exposed, or vulnerable.  If I don’t ask for what I need/want, then I won’t be disappointed.  That’s awful to even write, but in my purest of heart, I know it is true.  I’d rather just nod, and say it’s all ok, then to really dig deep and say, “um, no it isn’t….” in really any aspect of life.

It is a life-long challenge for me.  And may be it’s a “first world problem” that I don’t really say where I want to go to eat, or voice my disapproval for poor service when we’re out to dinner, or gently pushing back when I feel like I am being mistreated by family members or friends, or…. may be it’s not that big of a deal.  But my concern is this…. it limits my voice. It limits all of our voices, when we self regulate, filter, downplay, withhold, stuff down…what we are really feeling/thinking/experiencing.

I don’t have the answers, I don’t have a solution.  I don’t even have a commitment to self to say, “Self….I am going to commit to doing this to expand my voice and be BRAVE enough to just do it, regardless of the outcome”…it’s true, I don’t have that.  And it is also true I don’t like to write about stuff until I have it somehow figured out in my mind & actually practicing it in my life.  It’s a real, painful, raw realization of the complexities of living in the body of a deeply introverted person, who also knows her path at least in some way, includes writing about/talking about my own life struggles to connect with others whom I am sharing space on this place we call Mother Earth.  I recognize both the desire to honor my life’s purpose (which this is part of it) and the absolute fear of being vulnerable in the process.  I’ve thought about “is it possible to have a voice and share my personal struggles and still be invisible?”  And sadly the answer I have come up with is….No.  Sigh….

In clinical practice, this theme comes up routinely.  Listening to others who continue to struggle with the very same issues I do- we all do!  Living our own purpose…..and may be my own internal struggle allows me to emphatically listen and guide and help facilitate change in ways that I would be unable to do if I was closed to his topic of personal growth.  I can relate in a very clear/emotional/deep moment of the real struggle of wanting to have a voice, while at the same time wanting to be invisible- as in some ways that status is so much easier….. no one sees you, no one knows your inner most thoughts/feelings/desires….and you are accountable to no one.  And yet…we all are to the greater collective with whom we share this space & time.

I was listening to this podcast recently- on the topic of finding our purpose in life.  How often do we feel like we lose our way, or we are living our life because of other’s expectations for us (or perceived expectations), or living a life based on others around us and thinking that is also our path.  And in reality, none of those will ever bring us happiness.  None!  When we are living a life that is not authentically “who we are” ….we will never be happy.  We will struggle with the feeling not good enough or less than- and true happiness and fulfillment will never come from that space. While I understand this on an intellectual level, the struggle comes in with putting it into practice….and what has begun to gently shift it for me was this comment…..

When the author was asked “how do you find your path”….the simple, and so true response was this…. “you don’t need to ‘find’ it, as your path, your purpose, your unique reason for being different from any one else who has ever or will ever be on earth, is in you from the very beginning.  You cannot lose what is in you from the start.”

Wow.

So may be for all of us- it’s about being more fully present- and allowing space for the path- if it has gotten pushed down or ignored for a long time- to find us again.  I believe we get one chance here on earth…and my days may be few or plentiful.  And I cannot change which one it may be.  But what I do have the power to change, is allowing my own voice, in my own way, to be heard again.  And in some ways, if I let go of feeling like I need to know what direction or format that will be, I am allowing for the universe or God or karma or whatever force is necessary to allow my story, my voice, to do what is has always been meant to do.

I challenge all of you who read this today- to allow space for your path to reveal itself.  And to ask yourself…are you living the life you are truly meant to live, or are you living one for others around you?  True happiness is in living your own journey…. unapologetically.

Love to hear your thoughts…. and wishing your continued peace in your journey……