What are your road blocks to peace?

“An eye for an eye only ends up making the world blind.” Mahatma Gandhi.

I’ve thought about this over the past few weeks. I haven’t written at all, which is a good indication of the peaceful state or lack there of that has ensued my being.

As a teenager, I remember feeling unsettled, as best I can describe it.  Uncertain.  Insecure.  Perhaps in retrospect my teenage angst was not dissimilar to those of my peers.  However, as a teen I remember feeling totally and utterly alone.  I remember sitting in the widow seat of my teenage bedroom, hugging my cat “Riches”, tears streaming down my face thinking “Oh my gosh, will it ever get better?” I remember that feeling.  Why?  Because it was the feeling I had for more times that I care to even confess.  I remember that feeling…..

Then one day, something clicked.

My road to peace, my journey, is up to me.

Over the past few years, I’ve spent time trying tor figure out who I am.  Really am.  Not the picture some may see me to be or the one I think I should convey to others.

What helps?  Here are tools or instruments to living a more peaceful life. (in no particular order)

• Find what makes you happy.  In work.  At home.  In life.  Life is far too uncertain to be living the life others want us to live.
• Meditate.  Spending time in quiet union with the mind/body helps to calm and center me and helps.  Period.
• Pray.  When I can’t seem to find the answers, I pray.  Often it’s an ongoing dialogue I’m sure my Catholic school teachers and Priests would not find correct, or maybe I’m just overanalyzing.  That’s entirely possible.
• Running.  For me it is the best way to get out whatever stress or unpleasant feelings I’m having in my day. I never, ever regret a run I take.  I often regret those I skip.  Thank goodness marathon training season is upon me….no more excuses.
• Baking.  I love making food for my family and all those in my life I consider family.  It is my creative outlet, something I encourage everyone to find.
• Writing.  One of the reasons I have felt “off” these past few weeks has been my inability to find time to write.  Being able to get out what is in my mind and on to paper (or computer) helps to calm me.
• Saying no.  No, I’m sorry I can’t do that right now.  No, I’m sorry I can’t take another task on right now.  No, I’m sorry I can’t meet you for ____ right now.  I re-learned that over the past few weeks.  I forgot to say no, and well….hence my derailment on my path towards peace.
• Music.  There are few things in life I like more than music.  Lately, the music of Amrit Kirtan, Shatam Kaur (yoga music, I like to categorize it) and my new favorite Ms Mr are on the top of my playlist.  To aid in meditation or to help me just unplug from my day, music has a unique ability to help me achieve these outcomes.
• Letting go of the little things.  There was a book (series) written about this…why didn’t I write about it before?  I’d be the millionaire, right?  But truthfully, so much of life is filled with “little things”….little things people argue about that in the end, are a heaping pile of misunderstandings or assumptions or missed opportunities to show love.  My mother in law once said to me “I ask myself often, is it more important to be right, or kind?” I choose to be kind.  So maybe the “little things” in life don’t bother me so much, not because I’m weak and a sucker…but because for me, it is more important to be kind…it is in kindness…I find peace.

So there ya go.  I learned, again, that my path towards peace is not for others to define or do for me…that’s the easy route and often not the temporary one.  Rather, my path to peace, is finding ways to eliminate the clutter that is in my way and focus on the “who” I am rather than who others want me to be.

“Nobody can bring you peace but yourself.” Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Peace…….

My typical weekend, grown up version…..

My typical weekend, grown up version (not “x” rated version, geez!) is so different from when I was in my early 20s.  You know, back when I “thought” I was a grown up.

No offense to those who may possibly read this and are in that age group, I loved my early 20s.  Back then, I could survive on a  couple of hours of sleep, never “needed” to exercise, could drink however much I wanted and recuperate on the couch the entire next day only to sometimes decide to repeat all over again (yes, this is true.  I’m not proud.  But honest), eat whatever I wanted and maintain roughly the same weight, never even thought about retirement (Ok, I still don’t really think about that yet, probably I should….) and I didn’t have the 2 most wonderful additions in my life who depend on me to actually “be” a grown up instead of just “thinking” I am one.

We lived a very carefree life going to concerts on “school nights”, grocery shopped when there was nothing left in the refrigerator but perhaps a jar of hot sauce and some stale bread and more likely when there was no more beer left in the house (Oh the crisis!), ate whatever was easy rather than what was considerably healthy, and didn’t really think much about it.  Simple.  But thinking back, I didn’t really “feel” healthy during those years.  I think how silly that sounds when logically one in his/her 20s typically is in good health and should feel well.

It wasn’t until I had my children, when I really started seeing myself as a grown up and knowing that I needed to be as healthy as I could for them, for me.

When did that happen?

Somewhere along the way when I forgot for a moment that I was indeed a mom of 2 young children, and decided to go out and have too many drinks (or as our family refers to it “tee many mar-toonies”….doesn’t sound as funny when I write it down…sigh….) and then had to take care of my VERY young children the next day.  Nothing can slap you into reality quite like this scenario.  No sleeping on the couch until God-knows when.  No endless channel surfing of sappy Lifetime movies.  No stumbling to the neighborhood diner to eat some greasy omelet with my then standard diet coke or more preferably diet dr. pepper.  And for sure no repeat performances.

Thank goodness they came along.  For me….I make no judgement when I write that because certainly others function quite well and are quite happy with that pattern in their lives, but for me, my 20something year old self even knew there was a different path for me…..

So flash forward, a FEW years later…….goes something like this….

Friday….in bed by 10pm so I can get up the next day for running with friends.

Saturday….

• up by 7 to make smoothie and get ready to meet friends for group run.
• Meet friends by 8:30 to run 5 miles through a hilly part of town.  Midway in the run, I find out that we are running closer to 7 miles.          Surprise!
• Quick shower and go to yoga at 11:15 with one of my running friends.
• Yoga.  Bliss.
• Shower #2.
• Grocery shopping.  More fruits and vegetables than anything.  I love that!
• Mass.  (church to those non-catholics out there)
• Dinner with Mother in law and family.  One glass of delicious red wine.
• Watching the Olympics.
• Bed by 10:30.

Sunday…..

• Up by 7.  Make smoothie.  Make juices for day.
• Yoga at 8:30.  Fabulous.
• Running with the wonderdog Layla after.
• Shower.
• Afternoon of watching home improvement shows, writing in my blog, planning out my week, and planning for our trip to Europe to run the Berlin Marathon.
• Baked cookies.  New recipe.
• Quiet evening….until my boys asked to have friends stay the night and turn our house into a video game romper room haven.  Sigh…..

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

In my 20s….I didn’t have the energy to desire or energy or understanding of the importance of exercise in my life.  I wouldn’t have ever thought that I could run a marathon let alone be preparing for my 5th.  In my 20s….I never would have thought I’d have the discipline to do a juice fast or even know what one was….now I’ve done several.  In my 20s….I never would have thought a great day started with yoga and running…..now I’m bummed out if I can’t fit it in with my schedule with work and mom duty.  In my 20s….the thought of staying in meant I was either sick or broke (or both)…now it means I am hanging with my family watching Transformers for the zillionth time, and content in doing so.  This may or may not include having a beer or wine, instead of 20.  In my 20s….I spend way more time trying to be the person I thought others wanted me to be….rather than being the person I want to be.  Period.  When my mostly grown up self thinks about it now….I really want to get to the point of not caring what others think of me, not in a place of irreverence, but of living with integrity and grace and knowing my decisions are the best for me.  Period.

“Keeping up the appearance of having all your marbles is hard work, but important.” Sara Gruen, Water for Elephants.  

Interesting quote…but do any of us really have all our marbles?  Aren’t the oddities that make all of us unique really ok?

In the end, I don’t want to think of being a grown up as being boring.  My choices to live healthier more days than not, don’t mean that I pass on the extra cocktail all the time, to me it just means that I’ve for the first time in my life have balance.

“Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm, and harmony.” Thomas Merton

EXACTLY!

Peace…..