Hot. Crowded. Mats lined up in rows. Touching. Beginning of yoga class, could be any class….this particular morning I sat in the stillness before class. As the teacher began class, and there were some exchanges back and forth about “any special requests” and for some reason, the experience struck a chord in me.
I would never even say if I had a “special request” if I did actually have one. My voice is small. And lives mostly inside my head. My hips might be throbbing in pain, or my shoulders tight, but would I actually relay this to the yoga teacher in front of the class? Highly doubtful. I was actually thinking, where do these people get the confidence to state their needs/wants out loud, without filter, without fear of judgment, without worry? How has my experience been different that I would still, in my 47-year-old self, striving to be assured self, not want to burden others with what I might need, for fear of inconveniencing others. As much work as I’ve done and continue to do on myself, why is taking up space on my mat (or otherwise) met with having to justify my existence in some way?
The class was a blur. Literally. I was not mindful. I was not present. I was not focused. I am sure my postures were sloppy and jittery…. I was somewhere else. Scouring through my brain trying to understand why something as simple as this, was somehow symbolic for my life. Always putting others needs first. Not advocating for self. Not valuing my needs/wants, at least at the same rate as others. And before I go into the “oh, it’s just my way” as some sort of self-sacrificing angelic way of being, the hard truth is it is more about my not wanting to feel exposed, or vulnerable. If I don’t ask for what I need/want, then I won’t be disappointed. That’s awful to even write, but in my purest of heart, I know it is true. I’d rather just nod, and say it’s all ok, then to really dig deep and say, “um, no it isn’t….” in really any aspect of life.
It is a life-long challenge for me. And may be it’s a “first world problem” that I don’t really say where I want to go to eat, or voice my disapproval for poor service when we’re out to dinner, or gently pushing back when I feel like I am being mistreated by family members or friends, or…. may be it’s not that big of a deal. But my concern is this…. it limits my voice. It limits all of our voices, when we self regulate, filter, downplay, withhold, stuff down…what we are really feeling/thinking/experiencing.
I don’t have the answers, I don’t have a solution. I don’t even have a commitment to self to say, “Self….I am going to commit to doing this to expand my voice and be BRAVE enough to just do it, regardless of the outcome”…it’s true, I don’t have that. And it is also true I don’t like to write about stuff until I have it somehow figured out in my mind & actually practicing it in my life. It’s a real, painful, raw realization of the complexities of living in the body of a deeply introverted person, who also knows her path at least in some way, includes writing about/talking about my own life struggles to connect with others whom I am sharing space on this place we call Mother Earth. I recognize both the desire to honor my life’s purpose (which this is part of it) and the absolute fear of being vulnerable in the process. I’ve thought about “is it possible to have a voice and share my personal struggles and still be invisible?” And sadly the answer I have come up with is….No. Sigh….
In clinical practice, this theme comes up routinely. Listening to others who continue to struggle with the very same issues I do- we all do! Living our own purpose…..and may be my own internal struggle allows me to emphatically listen and guide and help facilitate change in ways that I would be unable to do if I was closed to his topic of personal growth. I can relate in a very clear/emotional/deep moment of the real struggle of wanting to have a voice, while at the same time wanting to be invisible- as in some ways that status is so much easier….. no one sees you, no one knows your inner most thoughts/feelings/desires….and you are accountable to no one. And yet…we all are to the greater collective with whom we share this space & time.
I was listening to this podcast recently- on the topic of finding our purpose in life. How often do we feel like we lose our way, or we are living our life because of other’s expectations for us (or perceived expectations), or living a life based on others around us and thinking that is also our path. And in reality, none of those will ever bring us happiness. None! When we are living a life that is not authentically “who we are” ….we will never be happy. We will struggle with the feeling not good enough or less than- and true happiness and fulfillment will never come from that space. While I understand this on an intellectual level, the struggle comes in with putting it into practice….and what has begun to gently shift it for me was this comment…..
When the author was asked “how do you find your path”….the simple, and so true response was this…. “you don’t need to ‘find’ it, as your path, your purpose, your unique reason for being different from any one else who has ever or will ever be on earth, is in you from the very beginning. You cannot lose what is in you from the start.”
Wow.
So may be for all of us- it’s about being more fully present- and allowing space for the path- if it has gotten pushed down or ignored for a long time- to find us again. I believe we get one chance here on earth…and my days may be few or plentiful. And I cannot change which one it may be. But what I do have the power to change, is allowing my own voice, in my own way, to be heard again. And in some ways, if I let go of feeling like I need to know what direction or format that will be, I am allowing for the universe or God or karma or whatever force is necessary to allow my story, my voice, to do what is has always been meant to do.
I challenge all of you who read this today- to allow space for your path to reveal itself. And to ask yourself…are you living the life you are truly meant to live, or are you living one for others around you? True happiness is in living your own journey…. unapologetically.
Love to hear your thoughts…. and wishing your continued peace in your journey……
peaceinthejourney 