Cats are Big Ole Jerks…& other necessary truths we must accept for a more joyous holiday season

Oh yes. Yes….I said it.  Cats are Big Ole Jerks.

How many times do you find yourself distraught, frustrated because the truth that is staring us in the face is just too unpleasant for us to accept?  The holiday season is the perfect breeding ground for this as we strive to achieve some ideal that is thrust upon us from the media, our family historical memory, or some conjured up fantasy of how things “should be.”

So this year, I thought I’d try to make it simple for you and post my top list of “truths” to help you have a more peaceful and happy holiday season. Hope you enjoy!

• Egg Nog is not a yummy drink.  Truth!  How many times have you bought the carton of gelatinous substantive beverage, only to pour one glass and try to choke it down….perhaps even pouring some adult beverage in it in attempts for it to be more palatable…only to leave it on the counter….getting warm….finding it the next day…pouring out the rest of the glass…and then letting the rest of the carton sit in your refrigerator for the remainder of the season until you pour out the rest after it has expired?  Why do we buy it?  Why do we not accept the truth that it simply is gross & perhaps there is a reason it is only available one time a year?
• No one is really going to remember if you don’t send out holiday cards this year.  Truth!  I know. I know.  You all have bought into the Hallmark philosophy (ok, now the snapfish or tiny prints) that YOU MUST SEND CARDS out to every single person you have any sort of interaction with from the beginning of time, but really…do you? Yes, it is FANTASTIC to see photos of your little peeps as they are growing, or you adorable pets….but if it is indeed causing you stress to get the perfect photo to upload to your now “every card must be a photo card” site, they ask yourself….why am I doing this?  Is it because I believe it is a necessary part of how I celebrate my holiday season, or am I selling out to the commercialization of the holidays?  Why do we not accept the truth that “holiday cards” is something modern-day humans have self-imposed & truly it has nothing to do with the degree to which you faithfully, or joyfully celebrate the holiday season?
• You do not get a medal by wearing yourself ragged during the holiday season.  Truth!  Believe me, I have looked at the end of many-a-holiday season and I have not found one waiting for me.  The baking, cooking, card assembling/addressing/stamping/sending (see above), cleaning, purchasing, wrapping, driving, etc….does not yield a reward if at the end we have overdone it and end up sick or screaming at our kids to enjoy the freaking holiday rather than enjoy the beauty of the season…… So what you can let go?  And why can’t we accept the truth that the holiday season is not intended to be some competitive sport stealing any sort of joy from you or your family at the finish line?
• You WILL forget something.  Truth!  A stocking stuffer, a necktie for Great Uncle So & So, The Christmas Tree Butter (or may be you have looked EVERYWHERE & can’t find it at any stores!), the phone call, the card (see above), the perfect ribbon.  Your holiday will not, no matter how hard you try, be perfect.  So let it go!  Enjoy the chaotic mess that will ensue in your home & all the homes you travel to this season, and realize you are human, and will no matter how hard you try, forget something. And why are we so reluctant to accept the truth that holiday gatherings are about the people we are with, not the tokens we bring or the hoops we went through to obtain them?
• Cats are BIG OLE JERKS.  Truth! Oh yes, I did….I said what we are all thinking.  Now before I get hate mail, let me state I have had cats my entire life!  And I love them.   I have had Ritches (aka the Senator- aka the BEST cat ever!), Winnie, Zoe, Nala, Raine & Charlotte.  And I love, love, love animals.  But the sooner we accept that cats do what they want when they want, the better off we will all be.  During the holidays, especially, they are mischievous little beings who get into our baking supplies, attempt to unwrap presents under the tree, hit and break family heirloom bulbs, bat at things on the floor that they’ve found in the middle of the night waking up the whole house with their shannigans, and my all time favorite….climb up your Christmas trees just to piss you off!  Yes, they are cuddly when they want affection (and only then), yes they are cute…but failing to acknowledge they other aspect of them creates more distress for us, and fails to give them credit for things they are really, really fantastic at doing!  Why don’t we accept the truth that they are indeed, not dogs, and that is ok….they were never meant to be!  So….. place ornaments wisely on that tree, less they teach you a lesson!
• Lastly……People are who they are.  Truth.  Absolutely the hardest one to accept.  I sit in my office in clinical sessions with clients tearfully struggling with wanting family members to be more than quite frankly they are possibly able to be.  Especially during the holiday season.  Yes, we have all bought into “It’s a Wonderful Life” version of what Christmas or the holiday season is supposed to be like, for many (or most)  it isn’t.  While I fully believe people are capable of great change in life, else I’d be out of business as a therapist, we need to be careful not to expect people to change to how we think they should be.  Most people, even those who frustrate, and sometimes hurt us, are doing the best they can.  It is freeing to us, allowing us to truly have a more peaceful & happy holiday season when we remove the expectation that our family is going to be any different this holiday season than they’ve been any other time in the past.  So if they’ve been distant, late, come without a dish to pass, drink a bit too much, don’t say thank-you…. anticipate they probably will do that again this year…and MOVE ON.  Listen…I’m not saying put up with crap from people who are abusive or toxic, but if people are a disappointment because they aren’t meeting your expectations of who they should be…perhaps you need to check yourself & ask yourself why they need to live as you see fit?  Why do we fail to accept the truth that people are imperfect, and we are all (for better or worse) just trying to get through the day and doing the best we can?

Holidays can be stressful…They can be disappointing…They can be exhausting!   If we let them be!   This year, I hope all of you find time to truly relax…and enjoy the beauty of the holiday season and remember that while each & every day we get to choose our attitude we bring to the day, the holiday season is no exception.  Choose peace.  Choose joy.  Choose happiness.

Peace & Happy Holidays……

 

 

What does a month devoted to gratitude do to a person?

Each November, for the past several years, I have devoted the month to posting daily all at least one entry on gratitude.  I am happy I have inspired others to do the same.  What started as a small little reminder for myself has turned into this November Gratitude Practice that has been the perfect backdrop to start my holiday season.

It’s hard, sometimes, however….To practice anything daily, truly.  While I aspire to meditate, practice yoga, juice, and write, “life” and all the expectations that each of us has upon us becomes a distraction and a struggle to balance sometimes what we would like to do, and what we must.  The lines can be blurry.

How do we decipher what is something we would like to do, or something we must do?  How do we determine if this is something we truly want to do, or something others are placing upon us?

What feeds our soul?  What helps us to feel more whole, furthering our life journey in a positive space?  Are all of our “should do’s” something that we really “should do” or simply someone else’s expectations of what he/she thinks we ought to be doing with our life? Wanting with our life?

I can say with absolute certainty, the practice of gratitude is a gift.  When I am the most at peace in my life, I am focused on all that I have vs all that I think I should have. With the inundation from advertising on TV, or in magazines or on social media, it can be a struggle to focused on gratitude for what we do have in our life.

I spent the last 3-4 years of my 93-year-old grandmother in law’s life, driving her around on Thursdays from place to place as she could no longer drive.  We would chat about current events, politics, my children, faith, and life.  In the last year, I felt almost compelled to ask her to tell me stories about her childhood, her life during the Depression, and her marriage and raising of children.  She had a very simple life.  She never wore glamorous ball gowns, or traveled to exotic locations, or ate at fancy restaurants.  Yet, she was so thankful for the simple pleasures in life….homemade cookies, standard coffee with cream, and handwritten cards or drawings from kids.  Every holiday, one would think I had made the most spectacular meal or had the fanciest of decorations as she was always, always, always so thankful and complimentary for my efforts.  Almost overly so.   I cherished every moment I had with her, and felt like it was in some way God’s reminder to me to be grateful for all that I have, instead of yearning for what I think I should want based on other’s lives.  She never once said to me “I wish I had more in my life”….rather she expressed such gratitude, always with me.  A woman who grew up in the Depression.  With so little.  Was yet so grateful.  

“I am grateful for what I am and have. My thanksgiving is perpetual.”

Henry David Thoreau

 One of the greatest compliments I have ever been given is the observation of my grateful spirit.  I remember when this first came up in a discussion, I felt both humbled and embarrassed.  Very opposing emotions….. humbled because I really do feel grateful for all that I have in my life….like Grandma. Yet  embarrassed as it seemed almost to be (although I am quite sure not intended to be) a reminder of how my sense of gratitude and at times aversion to the over-emphasis of consumerism and worldly goods that others covet somehow separates me from my peers.  It is not said in judgment, rather observation that my peace does not come in things, and the secret is…… nor does anyone else’s…..

I remember hearing a story years ago of a man who was obsessed with all things shiny and new and gadgets and trinkets and baubles and…..always yearning for more.  Never satisfied with what he had, and always, always wanting more.  Depressed….he went to talk to his closest confidant, he was instructed to gather all that he had, place all his most valued possessions on his bed and surround himself with his “things.”  As you could imagine, his bed was covered from side to side, and up to the ceiling with his “things”, hardly leaving a space for him.  He stood looking at all that he had, crawled into the bed with his “things” and was asked to think about how he felt being surrounded by all that he deemed as valuable.  A mountain of “things” surrounded him.  Embarrassed, he realized he felt nothing…..for he finally realized although he had amassed a mountain of “things” in his life, not one or all of them could truly do anything to bring him happiness….. for without a grateful spirit, we can never be truly happy………

Naturally having at grateful spirit, and knowing these real life and “stories”…. I admit it is still challenging to truly live a life of gratitude.  Over the past few months I feel like I have been tested.  I have been reminded of some of the worldly things that others have, that I currently don’t and may never have.  I have learned of people who choose to not be in my life, for reasons I understand and some I don’t.  And for a moment….. Ok, sometimes more than a moment…. I am just like anyone else set back into a place of wanting more.  Yet the moment I move into that space, I can feel myself, my true authentic self, slipping away and being replaced by someone I not only don’t know, but someone I truly don’t want to know.

So what to do?  What to do?  what to do?

This holiday season….start simply with….

• Continuing (or stating) the practice of acknowledging at least one thing/person/etc for which you are grateful for each day.
• Seek out ways to give of yourself in small or large ways in your community.
• Make a “blessings bag” (filled with snacks, hats, gloves, toiletries) to give to those in need on your day-to-day travels.
• When making a “wish” list, be humble.  Consumerism will never bring you joy!
• Volunteer.  At local soup kitchen.  In your faith community.  At your children’s school.  At your local animal shelter.  Give.
• Invite neighbors/friends over for the holidays if they have no where else to go.  Open your heart, and your home.
• Ask yourself how having “said item” will truly make you happy.  Are you sure it will?  Or are you buying into the marketing genius of another?

 

While I am so happy that I started this practice years ago, this year I was really challenged and reminded it is not an exercise just for November…. in order to truly have it be life changing, and to find a place of peace and joy….we must remember to practice gratitude daily.  No matter what is going on around us, let our hearts be filled with love and gratitude.

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”

John F. Kennedy

Peace………

 

 

Advice on my son’s 18th.

My oldest turns 18 today.  How can that be, right?  Thoughts of EVERY parent I am certain.  I will try to not linger for too long in that trite trap of nostalgia, rather offer some words of advice for all those launching the nest soon…..

I remember holding my sweet child, who arrived into my world 3 days but what seemed like 3 years late.  He was perfect.  In that first moment he was laid on my chest and I looked into his beautiful eyes, I was in love.  Pure love.  I hoped he felt my love, I hoped he felt the love of God, I hoped he would have friends, and I hoped he knew how special he already was.  Simple.

18 years passes in such an instant, and in the stillness of the night, I worry sometimes that no matter how hard I tried to protect him from harm and hurt that i felt as I child, it still happened.  This by far has been the most difficult reality for me to come to peace with in my life.  As a parent, we would gladly take it all to spare our kids, but cannot.   Sometimes…..when I go in to tuck him into bed late at night….I can still see glimpses of that beautiful angelic baby face I fell in love with nearly 18 years ago.

I am not sure if he, or anyone reading this blog, will take any of my “advice” to heart, but in some small way I continue to hope my candor in my writing will bring peace in someone’s life who needs it.  When I say “I’ve been there”….I truly mean it.  As a teenager I made many decisions I regret, I struggled with depression and anxiety, and there were times I was not sure my being alive really mattered at all.

So when I say…I’ve been there, I truly mean it.  Thankfully I am here to write about it.

So in no apparent order, here is what I wish my 18 year old self knew…..

• Life is amazing.  Choose wisely what you do, where you go, and with whom you surround yourself.  And yes, college & beyond is so much better.
• If you want to backpack around Europe for awhile, do it!  I regret I never did, and once a mortgage and grad school and a child and ….. just do it!
• Take care of your body.  Only you have the ability to change what you don’t like, and learn to love what you cannot change.  I will never be taller than 5’3″.  And I learned to embrace it.
• Don’t overvalue people who undervalue you.  I spent years learning this.  300,000,000 some people in this country alone, if “friends” around you don’t treat you well….move on!  Don’t settle with people who don’t appreciate what you have to offer in their life.
• Don’t change to please others.  I admire my son for learning this early on….I wish I had his wisdom and sense of courage at the age he does…..and hope he never loses sight of his individuality, even if it means he has to lose some people in the process.  “Be who you are and say how you feel, those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.”  Dr. Seuss.  Brilliant!
• Dream Big.
• Work hard.
• Make decisions as if it all matters.
• Find peace.  pray. meditate. find peace.  be still with your thoughts.
• Don’t burn bridges.
• Exercise.  Work through your problems or worries rather than burying them.
• Find people in life who like you for you, rather than convincing them to do so.
• Laugh.  Often and much.
• Cry…it’s why God created tear ducts for us.
• Don’t waste time eating bad food, drinking cheap drinks, or hanging out with toxic people.
• Today is called the present for a reason, it’s a gift….don’t waste a moment for tomorrow is never guaranteed for anyone.  Cherish every moment.
• Never, ever forget, most of all….you are loved.

My peace comes in knowing our human experience is something that is more universal rather than unique,  and while struggles are something we all wish we didn’t have to experience, they are what makes us who we are and perhaps allows us to show compassion for others on their journey.

So….happy birthday to my beautiful baby boy blue- and to all those who are out there in the world trying to find themselves….know that is part of the fun in the journey!

Peace……

 

Thanksgiving. In the midst of crisis.

Days before Thanksgiving this year, my cousin was diagnosed with adenoid cystic carcinoma.  A very rare for of cancer, affecting 1,200 people in the US per year.  Now, my cousin has always been a “rare” one, but this….this none of us saw coming.

15 or so years ago, my family sat in a tiny hospital room awaiting for the stem cells to arrive from Idaho to infuse in my Dad, fighting stage IV Non-hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  I don’t always use the word “fighting”, but he was.  Fighting with everything he had to live!  Now, I am not certain his doctor was prepared for the 20+ people who surrounded his hospital bed, hand in hand, praying with rosaries in hand, as my Dad lay sleeping, sick from the radiation and chemo he had pumped into his body.  Family.  Friends.  Surrounded my Dad, as a united force, helping to support him when I am sure he didn’t feel all that strong.

20+ years from diagnosis.  My Dad is still living with no evidence of disease.  That’s an official phrase I think the docs use when they are hesitant to boast “cured!”

I am confident my family would not have been able to survive as well as we did had we not had support of so many around us.  See…what few recognize until your in the midst of crisis, like cancer, is its impact on the entire family.  Yes, my Dad was diagnosed, but we were all profoundly affected by his diagnosis.

When crisis/tragedy/hardship/illness/etc presents itself in our life, we have a choice to allow it to destroy us, or strengthen us.

We choose.  When people have asked me over the years, how did you get through it?  How did your Dad get through it?  One….I think there was divine intervention because truly somedays I am not even sure how he/we did.  Two….we had a tremendous support team of family and friends.  Not just present with us on transplant day, but praying, calling, and talking with us for the several years he was in treatment.

Sometimes when I write about the years my Dad was acutely sick, I think….it sounds so easy!  We just prayed and remained positive. Simple.   It wasn’t easy.  Some days were terrifying! Most of all for my Dad.  But I think, on those days, when it don’t come easy.…you need to rely on others to support you even more.

 

Flash forward, 15+ years later, my Dad’s niece, my cousin, is sitting at our Thanksgiving dinner table, awaiting to find some answers and hope for the “plan” for her.  I could see in her similar emotions I saw on my Dad’s face as he awaited transplant.  I looked around the room, and once again saw the similar emotions fill the faces and hearts of the same people who surrounded him all those years ago….all of us wanting to help, to “cure” her…and feeling helpless.

But we aren’t!  Sure.  We can’t cure her cancer.  But…we can support, we can pray, we can research, we can babysit, we can cook, we can calm, we can call, we can write, we can visit, we can connect, we can be thankful…..for all the good that happens in tragedy.  And be thankful for the gift of today.

That’s hard, right?  We all want guarantees in life.  No more so than when one is facing uncertainty because of disease.  But truly, life offers no guarantees.  We think it does, but I assure you, after all my years as an oncology and clinical social worker…life offers none of us tomorrow.

So how do we find a thankful heart, when we are hurting?  That is really what it’s all about, isn’t it?  Wow it’s so easy to be thankful when you have everything going well for you to be thankful.  The challenge for all of us is to find ways to be thankful even when things aren’t going well.

…..learning to dance in the rain…..

During my Dad’s treatment, I was thankful to his medical team, to my professors who showed kindness and grace while I was in grad school and couldn’t get a paper in on time, to my family for helping to watch our son while I was in school or with my Dad, to Tracy- his donor, to our parish Priest who blessed my Dad and kept us all praying faithfully for his recovery, to my internship for cutting me slack when needed (thank you Gilda’s Club Metro Detroit), and for peace in my heart.  I am sure, from God.

None of that changed that status of my Dad’s cancer.  He was still stage IV, he still had to endure things we wish he didn’t have to endure….but in being thankful/grateful for the blessings in our life, we were able to support him and each other no matter what happened.  While I can’t say that I’m “grateful” for cancer, I am “thankful” for the blessings we were able to realize despite or because of it.

My prayer for all of you reading this is to find a way, no matter what you are facing, to find peace in your reality, and strength in your journey.  And always, always, be thankful for the gift of today.

Peace…….

(My cousin needs help.  Prayers & Positive Thoughts.  And if you are so inclined…donations as she has to travel to find options, and hope.)

http://e.gofund.me./2pcvs82k

 

 

 

Would you change?

Leaves change. My youngest son’s voice is changing. Google’s logo changed. Politician’s views on issues change (all-the-time).

All things in life change.  Somedays I wonder…if I have the courage to accept the change that is happening in my life….

Do you?

(Click on the video above to hear song.)

As a child, I moved a lot.  3 elementary schools.  1 junior high (Whoo-Hoo!).  And 3 High schools.  As a child, I had no choice but to change.  My address.  My school.  My friends.  My sense of self.  I didn’t know there were any other options. We change as a child often because we don’t know there is an alternative.  We are not in control of our here & now, so we change as a result of what we are forced to accept in our life.

Some of the changes were hard.  Changing school & states in the middle of my junior year of high school wasn’t what anyone would necessarily say as ideal or preferred.  At points, it was miserable.  My parents apologized later in life for my having to go through those changes.  At a child/teen, I wasn’t happy to go through them….and I’m sure accordingly I made their life rather miserable at times.  However, as an adult, I see the value of learning to adapt and change.  I am certain I would not be the person I am today, had I not learned the value of CHANGE.

Where would I be today if I hadn’t learned to change?

As an adult, we KNOW we don’t really have to change.  We can stay put.  Stuck.  Accept status quo.  Bury our heads in the ground.  Put up blinders.  Keep on truckin.

I wonder, really, if we we ALL looked at life and the opportunities to change as necessary as we did as kids, where would our paths lead us? If we didn’t take the easy road out and ignore problems, or overlook opportunities, would we be better off?

LOVE this.

October.  Leaves changing into brilliant, varied colors in the midwest welcoming cooler temps and shorter days.  Change.  Beautiful change.

Today, I helped my son finish 3 college applications.  Change.  Scary and EXCITING change.

This week, we are having our 2nd meeting with a builder and an architect to discuss an addition to our family home.  Change.  Expensive and OVERWHELMING change.

If we don’t meet the change with a childlike sense of opportunity, then we risk accepting our life rather than truly LIVING our life.  Directing our life.  As much as we can, because let’s be honest, don’t get delusional in thinking we TRULY have control over everything in our life.  We put our best out there, and hope/pray for the best outcome….or at the very least….

“Peace in the journey…strength for the reality”….. author “Me” 

For all my friends out there with children who are soon to be college-bound, I think we all share a similar fear and great anticipation for our children to leave the nest.  There’s a desire for them to venture on with their lives as we know this is a necessary developmental stage and an opposing desire to turn back the hands of time for one more of these moments….

• Trick or Treating in your Harry Potter or Charlie Brown costumes.
• Hours of putting your Christmas gift of Rescue Heroes together with carefully placed necessary stickers on every square inch of the massive plastic “ship.”
• Messy bouts of playing with playdough.
• Packing diaper bags.
• Teaching the ABC’s.
• Reading one more bedtime story.
• Washing one more load of clothes in the DREFT detergent.
• Hearing “I love you mommy” in their childlike voice, for the first time.

Those moments were awesome, weren’t they?  But if we look back on yesterday focusing on what we are now missing, might we risk not cherishing/celebrating/enjoying what is yet to come?

Would I change?

ABSOLUTELY!  Because it’s the one guarantee we have in life…with every moment we are on Earth, we have the opportunity to change.

Peace…..and here’s to celebrating CHANGE!

Back to School……A Senior In the House….

Senior Year.

How did this happen?  I started to input all the important calendar dates into my planner today (yes, “planner”, I’m old school) & felt tears welling up in my eyes.  How on Earth is my “baby boy blue” a senior in high school?  And how is our younger son in 8th grade?

I know.  I know.  It happens.

I know.  I know. I’m FAR too young to have children this age….shameless plug for compliments.

But it really seems like JUST yesterday we were taking them to their first day of preschool or kindergarten and now…..we are preparing for this monumental change and try as much as I’d like to freeze the moment……moments continue to slip on by.

I want to stop time and just cherish where they are in this moment and time.

I’ve made lunches for my kids since they started school.  As the days and weeks and months and years flew by, at some point I became keenly aware they’re completely capable of making their own lunches.  Why was I still doing it?  After all, during summer break, I made maybe 2?  But I realize it is me who needs to make them.  I’m not ready for them to change and grow and move out! I know there is a day, all too soon, when I won’t be there to make their lunches or tuck them into bed or kiss them goodnight. Ugh.  That’s all I can say.

I remember when the kids were really young, before school years, and the days seemed to DRAG on forever.  I felt like I was constantly picking up legos or changing diapers or making food.  An endless cycle of feeding, changing, and cleaning up after them. Now…..our days/nights are a blur of assignments for school, deadlines for college applications, college essays, & college visits…..& tears.  Not the “Mommy I don’t wanna go to bed tears”, or the “Mommy can’t I watch one more ‘Mel’mo” (aka Elmo)” …..No these tears are the embodiment of the realization that times are a changing.…..

In less than a year, our baby boy blue will (hopefully) be away at college.  And the funny thing is in life, even though we prepare for and are warned as young parents how quickly the time does pass……NOTHING prepares either you or your child for the inevitability.

In the twists and turns, monumental and trite days and nights that have made up the past 17+ years of being a parent, I believe it is in the commonplace moments I find the greatest joy in my life.

How many more:

1. Walks with Layla the Wonderdog and Baby Boy Blue will I have before he graduates?
2. Visits down memory lane of the obscure of vacations or days gone by?
3. Bottles of ranch dressing, zero vitamin water, jars of crunchy peanut butter, macintosh apples, vegan cheese packages, and homemade macaroni and cheese or french toast will I be making?
4. Hugs- with both arms until I’m feeling like he’s going to crush my spine but I don’t want to tell him to let go.  Not now…not ever….
5. Reminders of cleaning his room, or taking clothes downstairs to the laundry, or putting his dishes in the dishwasher or turning in his homework?
6. The sound of his bellowing laugh emerging from the upstairs as he and his brother watch some podcast for the gazillionth time!
7. Intellectual discussions of subject matters I have no ability to understand & yet am so proud and impressed that he does with such ease.
8. Loving teasing of my entering my “golden years” or playful banter that only Baby Boy Blue would dare to attempt to explore with me, and only he can get away with doing.
9. Tears…..of what has and hasn’t happened in Baby Boy Blue’s life.
10. Tears….of what is possible for Baby Boy Blue’s life.

No one prepares you.  No one can.  We think when the moment arrives, when they are set to be leaving the nest, we will be ready but how can we be? Really?

So how do we find peace in the unknown?  How do we sit with what we don’t know and trust?

Sitting quietly with my thoughts, I remember the moment Baby Boy Blue was laid upon me and I saw his beautiful face for the first time.  I somehow knew in that moment, he was only “mine” for a few brief moments of life.  I was there to help guide him, to teach him, and to love him but his purpose in life is far beyond just being my son.  I’ve seen in him, far more than he recognizes, a grand purpose in life.  And I have been privileged to be with him on this part of his journey.

So have faith….and breathe…..and celebrate…..and cry….and laugh……and enjoy every moment as each day in the NOW is a gift, that is why it is called the “PRESENT.”

Peace……

Where the Time Goes…….

At the risk of sounding completely self-centered and possibly narcissistic, this blog is inspired by me, and my turning yet another year older, creeping ever so slowly yet  systematically so towards what is typically regarded as “mid-life”…..how is that possible?

Where does the time go? 

I’ve been blessed to inherit by marriage this spunky now nearly 93-year-old woman named, Gloria, my grandmother in law.  Also known as “Grandma White hair”.  I’m fascinated listening to her describe days of her youth, growing up in the Great Depression, and the seemingly countless days that have filled her life both beautiful and magnificent and incredibly painful.  I love her perspective, seeing “time” through the eyes of someone nearly a century old.  She’d probably be so mad at me for even suggesting she’s closing in on 100 years but really……it’s amazing. And with all of the years she has been on this Earth, she describes her life so similarly as I do……wondering where all the time goes?  

There are days when we’re young, perhaps in anticipation for summer break or Christmas or our birthday…..the clock ticks by ever so slowly almost stopping in time and space.  Others still, somewhat blurred together in and ever revolving sea of moments and memories and events.  In the moment, I confess, far too often I’ve been so wrapped up in the gruesome details of day-to-day that I’ve allowed myself to not truly be present in my own life.  Looking back, it almost seemed selfish in my mind to stop and allow myself to truly be present, when there were countless others who required my attention or my care or my listening ear or…….. and then Wowzas!  Where has all the time gone? 

With the support of some really precious and beautiful people in my life, I’m aspiring to be more present, and learning to say “no” to the superfluous that is more out of a desire to please others than truly making me happy.  Closing in on midlife, and it’s only now that I’m learning to do this….Sigh…..but as I tell clients (all-the-time)….it’s imperative for us to take care of ourselves first, so we can truly be there for others…..Maybe I should take my own advice?

When I’m almost 93, will it matter if

• My Tupperware is all organized in my cabinet?
• My socks are all matched up in my drawers?
• I’ve attended every obligatory charity event I’m invited to attend?
• I’ve gone to every “house party” aka strong sell for the latest home cleaning or cooking speciality items?
• Up to date on what’s happening with celebrities, royals or politicians?
• Current with the latest trendy television series?
• I’ve actually looked at every single one of my kid’s assignments from this school year  (or year’s past)?

While I understand the above might add organization or social relevance to my life, to me I’d rather spend the next “x” number of years doing:

• Walking more with Layla the Wonderdog
• Watching the sunset
• Taking cooking classes
• Running
• Conquering my fear of inversions in yoga
• Spending time with people who add peace to my life, rather than chaos
• Cherishing time with my family and friends.  Cherishing….you know what I mean? Really cherishing……
• Doing more because I want to, and less because I feel like I “have to”

When we are nearing her end of our life, whenever that is, what’s more important, the number of days in our life, or the life we have in our days?

Wanna join me?  Be more present in the present?  Instead of watching life go by, want to be fully, actively, completely part of life?

The older I become, the more I realize time and space co-mingle and overlap far more than have distinct and finite aspects.

How do I have a 17-year-old son?

How is Layla the Wonderdog almost 4?

How have I lived in my current house for almost 13 years?

Wasn’t I just 21? or 30? How am I almost 44?

Where does the time go?

Peace…….

Embrace the beauty of sweet impermanence

“Impermanence ….. the notion that all of conditioned existence, without exception, is transient, or in a constant state of flux.”

I embrace it.  I assert that nothing in life is permanent.  Nothing.  Death and taxes are said to be two of the only things in life that are absolutes.  Yet, every year countless people do not pay taxes ( or savvy business people or politicians find “loop holes” to escape the said absolute the rest of us have bought into paying yearly (or quarterly…) and I haven’t died yet so I’m not even certain that death is an absolute rather a transitional period in this aspect we call life.  I guess when it happens, I will then know if that state is an absolute permanent one….until then, I will assert nothing in life is absolutely permanent.

With that notion, with that belief, there is freedom.  Freedom to make each day better than the previous day.  Freedom to evaluate what works well in your life, and what doesn’t, and make necessary changes.  Freedom to allow yourself to just be in the moment, knowing no matter how difficult or how joyous, the only thing certain that will follow is difference.  Freedom.

In clinical practice, I work with clients who are absolutely certain the negative emotions they’re experiencing will with absolutely certainty never ever be any less intense than the moment they walked into my office.  And with complete regularity, in that absolute moment they’re sharing their negative experiences, there is light, there is change, there is movement, there is hope.

One of the scariest experiences in life is to believe in our hearts that our pain, our sorrow, or anguish will forever be exactly as it is in the moment we are most acutely experiencing it.  But when we look at the concept or belief of impermanence, when we truly embrace that in life nothing can ever be exactly constant, then we can begin to understand when we allow ourselves to change to move to grow, we give ourselves permission to let go of the negative and painful emotions and accept the good that come from everything in life.  EVERYTHING.

I’ve written before on the good that came from 9/11.  Not the event.  Not the death.  Not the terror.  Not the pain.  Not the horror.  But the good that came from humans helping other humans.  The good that came from people embracing life, embracing love, embracing each other and knowing in a moment…..life can be changed in a way that can seem inconceivable, and would we really want our last moments in this earthly body to be filled with hatred, to be filled with anger, to be filled with angst when there are so many other choices we can decide for ourselves if we allow ourselves to be open to change…

I’m often asked how it is that I can be so calm in the face of tragedy.  How is it that I rarely seem angry or frazzled, even when there are outside stimuli trying to get me to react in a negative manner.  My answer is simple, and perhaps abstract at the same time….I truly believe so little if anything in life is permanent, and when I have let go and let God or let go and just let my life’s course do as it will…..there I find peace. There I find light.  There I find love.  Simple And Complex.

No matter how joyous, or how tragic our life is, no emotion we feel is ever permanent.  So why give the negative so much power over us?  Perhaps if we let go more, and waited for the joy to come, then we would find the inner peace so many of us are truly looking for in our lives?

Peace……..

Through my son’s eyes…..

I close my eyes.  For a moment, I’m transported to a day seemingly not so long ago.  Sitting on the rooftop of my sorority house, contemplating the future.  Avoiding the possible albeit unrealistic phone call informing one or all of my roommates that we didn’t pass an exam and would be staying for one year.  Balancing the conflicting but both very real thoughts of both wanting our lives to move forward, and secretly wanting to stay in college as long as possible.  I knew, in a very real way, life would never be as simple as it was in college.  Sure days were filled with juggling hours and hours of studying, part-time job, obligatory sorority duties, and of course going out with friends!  It seemed so stressful.  It seemed so monumentally important, every single day.  Daily, it was a balancing act of fun and work, a moment in time like no other I’ve experienced before or since.  

Flash forward to a few weeks ago….I walk onto Savannah College of Art & Design’s (SCAD) campus.  Where did all those years go? How is it possible that I was now taking my oldest son to his first college visit? How is it possible that I’m old enough to have a nearly college-age child?  (That’s another blog)

The campus is beautiful.  Historic and charming and warm and friendly.  Everything one would expect from a southern college town.  However, the point of going wasn’t so much to see the campus, although that was great, as it was to show my son what he’s capable of doing. To show him academia beyond his very small and somewhat sheltered high school existence.

We must dream something first, before it becomes our reality.

My son wants to go into animation.  A forever fan of animated films, more than live action films, his dreams are big! And intimidating to him.  I think they’re fantastic.

On the trip, we laid on the beach together, on overly priced cheap touristy towels we bought in Tybee Island, chatting in what seemed like a place separate from the rest of the world.  I said the following words…hoping my son remembers but a small portion of them…

Do something amazing in your life.  Don’t settle for the mundane and secure just because your dreams scare you.  You’ve been given a gift- an amazing gift to be able to create art.  Your path is different from others around you, because it’s YOUR path.  Do what you love, and you will never work a day in your life.           (He hated that last part…..)

I hope he remembers it.  I hope one day, he recognizes how unique his abilities are.  While he is also intelligent and articulate and learned, he can draw some pretty amazing drawings & that is pretty damn cool!  He can create from his own imagination some beautiful and intricate and stunning pieces of art.  How many people can say they can?

At the end of the experience, as we flew back on a freakishly early flight…with the truly spectacular in my eyes son by my side…..I was filled with emotion and thought on how we all really should live our life with this intent…….to dream big and work hard to follow our dreams no matter how old or how young we may be.  No matter how scary or daunting them may be!  What’s a life without dreams?  Existence?  How do we truly know our potential if we don’t push ourselves beyond our comfort zone, beyond the expected, beyond the vanilla existence so many of us often just accept as good enough?

I for one have been procrastinating on writing my book (which my lovely son reminded me of about a half a dozen times over the time we were in Savannah, “hey, how’s that book writing coming along mom?” said with a brilliant, charming smile…..), procrastinating on getting my sorta started online business off the ground (much to the chagrin of my very patient business coach), and procrastinating on getting myself into the physical state I feel confident in residing in for my time here on earth……after nearly a 3 month hiatus in writing something snapped in me today and I realized….if I am not actively pursuing my own dreams, what sort of example am I setting for my sons?  For others?

I leave today’s blog…..with one last thought….one I will be thinking about this week to keep me on track…..in honor of my son who adores animation.  The world is out there for us to experience….what dream are you going to put into action today?

Peace…….

What & Who would I become?

The possibilities are endless! 

I had the distinct privilege to hang out with my 15-year-old niece this weekend.  We chatted over vegetarian food, got some much-needed Starbucks discussing her and my favorite beverages, and walked and talked through the streets of the eclectic artsy town.  I listened,hope attentively, to her perspective on life as a freshmen in high school…struck somewhat by how much things had stayed the same despite all the technological changes since I was a teen. Teenagers years remain challenging, no matter the generation.

Mid way through our visit….I started thinking to myself…what would I want to know about life as a 15-year-old from a “mid-life” woman’s perspective?  Would I listen?  Would I be thinking Wow! This old lady is so outta touch? Would I be listening for ways to navigate through the next few challenging years, deciding what and who I was to become?  Would it be white noise?

When I was 15, I remember taking a psychology class and being mesmerized by the subject.  While I couldn’t have imagined or predicted where the path would take me, I knew I would somehow be a therapist.  15….how did I know? I am so thankful I followed that inner guide, and that my parents encouraged me to do so.

There is something in each of us, guiding us, to be the person we are meant to be.  How much time do we take to listen?  To find what and who we really are meant to be?

My oldest son has known since he was in kindergarten he is meant to be an artist.  Years of trying to contain his creative energy by limiting his drawing on his tests or assignments to the back of the paper and redirection into potentially more lucrative careers with the encouragement of joining robotics and registering of engineering classes has yielded only one outcome….he is still certain he wants to be an artist and now wants to start visiting art colleges.  Why am I surprised?  Couldn’t I have seen that from almost infancy within him?  

When we are children, we are often told to follow our dreams and dream big!  But as grow into adolescence and adulthood, somewhere along the way we start hearing the message to find a reasonable, secure, safe path towards our careers and life.  What a confusing mismatched set of messages we are given in our life!  It’s no wonder so many meet adulthood unsure of what or who they are to become.

So what messages do I try to give my own children and hope others, no matter the age, learn in life.

• The journey in your life is uniquely your own.  Don’t follow others just because it’s safe and already plotted out for you.   Sometimes it’s in the detours and being lost for a few moments in life that we find the courage to be the people we are really meant to be.
• Take time to meditate, pray, or think about what really makes you happy.  You cannot short cut figuring out the road map to your dreams.
• Do what you really love, the money will come in doing what you really love and are good at in life.  What if the creators of Minecraft were told to stop creating and designing their silly computer/video game? Guess they didn’t really need the $2 Billion it was sold for recently, right?
• Be uniquely You. Everyone else is already taken.
• Choose your friends, your interests, and clothes wisely.  All are a reflection of who and what you are, becoming….. And the photos of you in potentially ridiculous clothes will haunt you in adulthood.
• Talk to your “elders”, and find some you trust.  Our years on the planet do allow for us to have made many more mistakes than you already have, why make them if you can avoid them.
• Make mistakes.  Yes….sometimes it’s in the mistakes that true, authentic growth comes from within us.

Today is Martin Luther King, Jr. day.  While many schools & businesses are closed today, I wonder how many people are really doing something in honor of his “dream” or spending time reflecting on what the “dream” really meant/means?

What would our world be like if people like the great Martin Luther King, Jr were discouraged from dreaming?  Discouraged from thinking BIG?  Discouraged from believing the world could be better than it already was/is?  Discouraged from finding out what and who he was really to become?

Advice to kids/teens/young adults out there….remember….There is only “1” you.  Go out and find out what and who the one and only you is to become!

If looking for a way to find out who and what you are to become….why not reflect on the eloquent words of Mahatma Gandhi, “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” 

Brilliant.

Peace……..

peace. not hope?

A few years ago, I was asked to speak at an event for our church/school entitled “Advent by Candlelight”, an annual event for women of our parish, most of whom have school aged children.  Each year four women are asked to speak on the following topics:  Faith, Hope, Love and Peace.  I was hoping for “Hope”…..

My husband and I have 2 children.  When we had our first child, we had a boy and girl name picked out.  We had a boy.  Four years later, we had a boy and girl named picked out.  We had a boy.  As time passed, thoughts of whether we should be having another child passed through from time to time.  Sometimes I’d see a sign, literally (of the girl’s name) and wonder….was it’s God’s plan or mine (and my husband’s) to have another child?  I wasn’t ready to shut the door to this chapter in my/our life.  Not that I wasn’t thrilled to have 2 beautiful boys, I am!  I think I’m more blessed than I deserve to be for the children I have.  However, decision-making has never been my strong suit for fear that I’m going to “make a mistake” and forever live in regret.

For a myriad of reasons, the thoughts became less and less common and the decision eventually was no longer on the table.

Our “girl name” was “Hope.”

As the years passed, I learned the lesson for me wasn’t to learn so much to make decisions more decisively (although I’m sure many around me would be elated if I did one day learn this skill), rather to be at peace with whatever happens in my life.

When I was asked to speak about “peace”, I found my message from God.  Although I had been signing my name in cards, emails, etc as “peace, …..” for quite some time, it wasn’t until I was asked to speak on “peace” that I understood my message, perhaps just to myself or the world, was “a journey towards peace.”

I stood before a crowded grade school auditorium, composed of my friends/peers/and Parish Priests, and began to tell for the first time in public my story of my own journey towards peace.  Nervous.  Voice quivering.  Face flushed.  I told my story.  A calm soon came over me, and I realized, my story really is anyone’s story.  We all have decisions we are uncertain are correct, disappointments in life, people we care too much about and who care too little about us, family/friends who hurt us, goals we don’t achieve, promises unkept, dreams that don’t come true….but the reality is, as trite as it might be, that’s life.

When I think of my belief, of my practice of living a more peaceful life, it isn’t so much to do with a decision I made, rather a continued practice of trying to follow a greater plan.

“You cannot find peace by avoiding life.” Virginia Woolf. 

So I try to live life from a place of peace, in accepting life for what it is rather than hoping for a life that may never, and perhaps was never meant to be.  It is in that space, that true peace and happiness has come to me.

Peace…..

 

Peace all begins in the journey with self…..

“It isn’t enough to talk about peace.  One must believe in it.  And it isn’t enough to believe in it.  One must work at it.” Eleanor Roosevelt

I’ve had an ongoing discussion recently with a friend of mine regarding “why peace?” Why is it so important to me?  When did it start?  I’m not of the “hippie” generation, thus to be younger and fully embrace the concept isn’t commonplace for my Gen X peeps. And for me, it isn’t as much about wanting to state that I’m anti-war, though really, aren’t we all?  Well may be not the companies who produce the weapons that soldiers use in war, but overall, wouldn’t most of us state that we ‘want’ peace?

For me, it’s much more about a deep, introspective journey with self.  Trying, daily, to find my path, and live my life more simply, more fully, to where the stressors of life bother me less, and my ability to be content becomes more of a reality rather than an aspiration of mine.

So where did it start?  Amidst of the chaos of my life somewhere in raising children, trying to be a good wife, battling issues with my own self esteem and body image, trying to figure out what I was really meant to be doing in life, dealing with hurts from friends/family, heartache over losing friends/family members to cancer and other devastating illnesses, financial burdens and uncertainties…somewhere in there….I started the journey.

I state journey…because it is just that.  A journey.  I’m curious to learn how some view me.  I understand and am fully cognizant of my own personal journey, sometimes dark and morose, but forget that I’ve come such a long way and the person I once was- the person filled with self-doubt and insecurities, isn’t the person I am today (most days).  I forget that while most may see me as this calm, peaceful, steady and compassionate person, I wasn’t always that way.  There are days in clinical practice, or with my un-official therapeutic conversations with my running friends that I need to remind both myself and the others around me while I really am calm, peaceful, steady and compassionate now, it is something I continue to work at daily.

So it made me think about the concept of working at something that matters.  Why do so many in our world fail to understand the concept of working towards what matters to us?  When did we lose the value or concept of “work”?  When did people start to think that a “happy/peaceful life” should be just handed to them without having to actually work for it?

“Nothing will work unless you do.” Maya Angelou. 

So my advice to people, both clinically and personally, if one wants to have a peaceful/happy life, one needs to work for it.  Daily.

• Decide what’s important in you life.
• Eliminate what no longer suits you.
• Focus on service to others.
• Find an exercise to do daily (ideally) to process your excess stress/energy
• Spend time daily in prayer or mediation.  Daily.
• Take care of your body.  Eat what nourishes you, not always what is easy and available.
• Practice a mindset of gratitude.
• Never give up finding your own path…..

I remember reading somewhere that it matters less what happens in our life and more what we choose to do with it.  We could all give up and become bitter and resentful and angry for the myriad of hardships or disservice we experience in life….or we could choose to practice finding peace and happiness for the many gifts, wonders, beauties, and joys in life.

Want to guess which choice I’m making today?

Peace……in your journey today and always…..

letting go of the “If onlys” in life….

Ever become engrossed with the “if only” or “would it be nice if” so much so that you miss the beauty that is before you?

My husband graduated with his MBA this past weekend.  It was a huge milestone for not only him, but our family.  Two years of sacrificing time, money, sleep, and house hold chores/projects. Two years of planning outings/vacations/events around an extremely demanding school schedule.  It reminds me of marathon training in that unless you have done it yourself or someone close to you has, it is easy to underestimate the number of hours and weeks and months (and in this case years) of preparation that go into that one moment.  The moment your name is read (or in marathon terms, when you cross the finish line) and you are publicly recognized for your sacrifices and know that in some way, it is all worth it.

This past week, some people we would’ve liked to be present at his graduation or the party afterwards were not only “not” present, they didn’t even call to congratulate my husband.  It was painful.  I was trying to think why it bothered me so much. Why does their not recognizing his efforts even matter?  I don’t know if it is as much needing the appreciation, though deny all we might, we all need that in our lives.  Rather, the absence appeared to confirm the belief that in truth, we matter so little to these people that they couldn’t even take a few moments to call and say “good job!” ….and that is what is truly painful.

So where does the letting go part fit in?

When I sit back and reflect on “what if — was there?” or “What if things were different?”….I can, just like everyone else get marrowed down in my disappointment and sadness.  If I follow that path, if I choose to look at those who were not there, I would miss the beauty that this weekend really presented.

Graduation day was amazing.  To see all these brilliantly happy (yes, for sure some were probably “brilliant” as well) people all gathered to celebrate these great accomplishments was great to be a witness.  For our 2 boys, still in the midst of their education, to witness their Dad getting his diploma and recognized for his hard work, I hope, is something they will never forget.  One of my favorite quotes, written on the chalk board next to our monthly schedule reads “Nothing great is ever achieved without much enduring.” (a quote from my sorority years…).  Repeat…Nothing. Great.  Is EVER achieved, without much enduring.  If I had stayed stuck in my disappointment and the “what ifs”, may be I would’ve missed the opportunity to draw this parallel for my kids.  “See…all those nights Dad was up studying, was so he could reach this point.  Won’t it be great when we’re here for you one day?” A gift.  It was a choice…I had to make….focus on the what ifs, or celebrate in the now…..

So all of this was easy to recognize in some ways in the midst of the pomp and circumstance…but what about the next day?  When the fanfare wore off, the robes were put away and we gathered with our friends and family to celebrate the end of these past 2 years and the beginning of whatever the next chapter holds?

For a moment, I thought of those who weren’t present.  For a moment I felt the anger and disappointment welling up inside me…and then I looked.  I really looked out at our friends and family who were there.   And I realized, we have some seriously special people around us.  From the day my husband entered the program until the day we toasted with our family and friends at the local brewery, people have been there every step of the way.  I can’t thank them enough for their support.  In focusing on this, in focusing on the now, the “what if’s” all faded away.  They no longer mattered, because truthfully I have no control over the “what ifs“, so I choose to focus on the now.

Another favorite quote “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” Dr. Seuss

Love Dr. Seuss.  Brilliant.

Peace……

 

Life overload……

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a kind smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” Leo Buscaglia

I so loved him.  What a brilliant man.

I’ve taken a break from writing/blogging.  Consciously.  I really, really missed it.  It was hard to not have a place to put down my thoughts….

Ever have the experience of “hearing” something and wishing you could “unhear it?”

In clinical practice, I have learned to be able to be present with clients when I’m in session, but out of professional necessity, when I’m away from clients I need to put their problems “away” to focus on someone else, or perhaps my own family (or dare I say SELF) for once.  I say, sorta in jest…..

Over the past few weeks, however, I’ve had more family/friend “stuff”, sad news from others, and realized, the clinical practice I utilize with clients, doesn’t work so well with family and friends.  No, this is not my first rodeo, I understand this intellectually, but this past week, the “life overload” just kinda hit me…….I realized I am unable to just neatly put away on a shelf friends/family stuff and consciously not think about it.  My heart aches for others who are really struggling right now for a myriad of reasons, and I just wish I could help, but know my role is to just listen…..

I’ve been really blessed lately to have some particularly supportive people encouraging me to keep writing, to find my focus, and “plan” what I want to eventually do with my writing. Sometimes I’m really, really good with planning.  Like in marathon training, I excel…or maybe survive is a better term at some points….with a plan.  However, in other areas, I do find that I wander a bit in a place of not knowing…..I admit it.  But I’m starting to understand the difficulty in knowing my “plan” has more to do with my desire to chart my own course, so naturally….there is no plan.  My plan is my un-plan.  Shockingly…that is not a word, yes, I am stating it before someone corrects me….

I do have some ideas.  I’m starting…to find the path I’ve started, leading to wherever un-chartered territory I’m meant to go…..

So the question keeps arising in my head…why do I write?  Why is it important that I write- and in a public forum- on my journey with peace?  Here are my honest, unfiltered thoughts….

I would like to think if people describe me, they’d say I’m peaceful and calm and compassionate, not necessarily in that order but among the adjectives to describe me I hope that at least one of those words would be on the list.  I hope that is how I appear, as for the most part that is how I feel.  However, I didn’t always feel that way.  When I was a teenager and a young adult (ugh…I’m no longer a young adult…but that’s another story.  laughing, a little) I was depressed and felt “less than” and lonely and lost.  I sought comfort in ways that I, in my adult self, find unsettling.  I remember feeling like I was the-only-person-who-felt-like-I-did-in-the-world.  There is really no worse feeling, feeling like you’re the only one.  So when I started blogging…I wanted more than anything to show that honestly through my writing, to show while I’m in a much better space than I once was, I really, really remember the feel of darkness, the taste of despair, the sound of sorrow….I remember.  Perhaps it makes me more empathic as a therapist, it isn’t something I share with clients, but perhaps it is something they can sense (I hope) in my genuine approach to therapy.

So why do I write?  Maybe if I can reach one other person today who is having a rough day to know that I’ve been there…and I work at finding peace just. like. everyone. else.  Daily……

Today, my journey started with getting my 2 favorite boys off to school.  Days like this are fleeting…I cherish each moment when I remember to remind myself how old they’re getting and one day they will be off on their own.  Gulp.  Making my absolute favorite Island Green Smoothie. Yum.  Going to Yoga with an incredibly talented and gentle spirit of a yoga teacher.  A short run with the wonder Dog Layla.  The BEST! And a walk outside in nature……sigh……

I could’ve curled up in a ball and felt bleak and helpless in thinking about my friends/family who are really struggling right now, but instead, I focused on being the healthiest/most positive self I can be, and remembered sometimes all people really need when they’re going through hardships is to know…they aren’t alone…..and to know when they need it, there is someone on this earth who will listen….I feel grateful when I re-direct my “knowing/hearing” overload as something less a burden and more an honor and privilege.

I can’t “fix” my friends/family problems.  As soon as I remembered this, the “life overload” began to lift.  I remembered that sad teenager/young adult whom once I was, and know if I felt like I had someone else who was there to just “listen” and not attempt to “fix” my problems, perhaps I would’ve not felt so alone.  Perhaps it wouldn’t have taken me years and years to find my way to the peaceful, calm, compassionate self I now fancy myself to be.

So to all those struggling out there today/tonight….know you are not alone…for if you have read this blog, know I”m thinking about you and wishing you great peace in love.

Today…that is my purpose in writing…..

One of my favorite songs….hope you enjoy…..

 

Peace…….

 

Finding peace in the January blahs….

For so long I thought peace was something that would just “happen”….like I’ve prayed for it for YEARS….certainly God is listening to me, right?

Frustrating….there are days it’s like crickets….nothing….

FRUSTRATING….

Then somewhere in the past month, it started to come to me, maybe peace really is in the journey.  In the chaos, bad news, struggles, hardships, joys, sorrows, laugher, joy….in the process of learning to let go and choose a peaceful state no matter the circumstance one is facing in order to truly appreciate what “being at peace” is all about? I stumbled upon this….

“Peace…..is does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work; it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.”  unknown….

It’s so much easier to be peaceful and happy when all is good in life, but soooooooooooooooooooo much harder when life is just….life.  the doldrums of day-to-day, the sloshing through the blackened snow on the side of the road, the oh my gosh what am I possibly going to pull together for dinner tonight kind of days….

But that’s exactly when we need to center and find peace, right?  Who isn’t peaceful when the sun is shining and you’re sitting on the beach relaxing with your family/friends and drinking a cold beverage?  But if everyday was like that, would we really appreciate the good days?  I’m told “no”….I’m not totally sure I buy it…..but maybe?

So….what do we do? Surrender to January blahs?  Or actively work towards finding that inner peace?

Certainly the path towards peace is different for everyone one, but what is sorta helping me right now get through this horribly dreary month is:

• Baking.  Who knew I’d have such an urge to bake even being on a mostly juice fast/feast? I know baking is my way of giving to others, it is my art form if you will, and I find peace in doing for others.  Easy.
• Yoga.  Still wonderful calming and I’m still horrible although ever so slightly not as horrible at doing it.  I still have tears at the end of each workout and proud of the inner calm and meditative state I am able to achieve each workout.  Thankful to Kacee for great yoga sessions and keeping me motivated.
• Running.  Yes, still running.  Not far right now (though I really need to up my miles soon as the marathon I’m scheduled to run isn’t going to run itself).
• Prayers.  Listing to music.  Tasting new vegetable juice combinations.  Making my own sweet potato baked fries.  Playing fetch with my wonder dog, Layla.  Driving Miss Gloria.  Wearing cool boots.  My new “26.2” bracelet made by my running friend Tanya.  LOVE IT! Watching the snow fall.  Listening to clients in session and feeling honored that I’m the one person in the world they are able to confide in, and watching the process begin to transform their life. Breakfast with friends.  Tea with friends.  Helping my mom get ready for a family party and calm her down in the midst of the chaos.  Hugging my teenage son and feeling him sink into my hug.  Getting my hair done and return back to its natural color (ha).  Texting silly banter with friends.  Listening to my youngest son giggle with his friends…..

5 minutes….a simple exercise to sit still and think…what brings me peace?  Am I choosing to focus on those things, or the negativity that surrounds us in our world, whether we invite it or not.  It’s a choice.  Today….what are you choosing?

Final thought…perfect for today….”Don’t let the behaviors of others destroy your inner peace.” Dalai Lama.

Peace and Happy Tuesday……

Searching for peace, 2013 year in review

One of my favorite quotes on peace reads “If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.” Mother Teresa.

I’ve been writing in this blog for over a year.  All in pursuit of finding some inner peace and sharing with others how the path unfolds for me. In the past year, the journey has not always been pretty, but I have attempted to make it genuine and work towards sharing my authentic thoughts.  I’ve attempted to convey my own struggles in this path towards peace in honor of my belief that we are somehow all connected on this journey and therefore my struggles are in somehow meaningful for others in finding their own inner peace on their path.  Does that make sense?

I was asked recently if I was concerned, as a therapist, that my “stuff” is out there on the internet. The person asking me was wondering what current or possible clients would say if they were to read my blog.  For a moment I was flooded with thoughts of insecurity and doubt thinking perhaps my decision to blog was wrong, and in some ways my effort to strip down my well established “walls” was in retrospect a mistake. Then I thought (even though my full name isn’t even on my blog) about the quote I started this entry with today….

“….we belong to each other”

While there is something incredibly appealing in having others view me as having all my “stuff together”, I am acutely aware that it isn’t in my sharing of my triumphs that people find me authentically appealing, rather it is in my struggles.  After all, is it true or not that everyone has “stuff” in their life, it’s what we learn from our struggles and how we choose to grow from them that matters, right? And over this past year, I am confidently say I no longer care if people see me as “flawed.”  In fact, I celebrate it!  If I have inspired but one person to face their struggles with a greater sense of courage by exposing my own, then I consider it all worth it.  And wow!  It’s truly liberating!

So the year has been filled with joys and sorrows for me.  The yin/yang of life.  Just when I have felt like I’ve had this “peace journey” all figured out….Bam!  I’m thrown some sort of tragedy/drama/angst I must face.  In review, I realize 2013 has ended not strikingly dissimilar to 2012.  Once again dealing with several people dying, and several around me having serious health issues.  I am reminded of the fragility of life….and in my quiet meditation, my contemplation of “what’s it all about Alfy”…..I think back to a message I received from a friend a few months back….

Struggling with my own physical pain (piriformis syndrome) and frustration with my marathon running performance…. there have been days this past year I’ve just been despondent.  Trivial, I admit, given the real issues listed above others around me are facing….

Ever receive a message from someone that is exactly what you needed to hear exactly when you needed to hear it?  Father Dave (family parish Priest) would call these things “God-incidences” rather than “coincidences”…. He writes…..

Quote from Socrates “how singular is this thing called pleasure, and how curiously related to pain, which might be thought to be the opposite of it.  Yet he who pursues either is generally compelled to take the other.”…..

Nothing good in life comes without struggle.  Pain is often a symbol of that struggle.  And while 2013 has been laden with struggle, for my friends in far more devastating ways than my own, it is in the struggles that we learn the most.

I concur with my friend.  I no longer fear pain.  I no longer fear struggles.  I fear stagnation and fear complacency and hope 2014 brings me a greater sense of strength and peace so that I can be there for others who need me.

Last parting lesson I learned in 2013, and one that I hope to carry into 2014.

I started yoga.  Yes, this marathon runner is now balancing life as a newbie yoga enthusiast. In class on Saturday, the instructor said these words (in her explanation on spirituality)……”spirituality is the gradual turning away from selfishness and towards selflessness.”

Let my actions/intentions in all that I do, with everything I have in me, in the coming year be in my ongoing commitment to better serve others…..because it is truly in my service to others (and remembering in doing so I need to take care of myself- i.e. yoga/running) that I truly find happiness and peace….

Happy almost New Year’s Eve.

Dear Santa…all I want for Christmas this year is……peace…….

Dear Santa…..

All I want for Christmas this year is peace. Peace & Love, Me

Vague you say?  Perhaps. What does that mean?  I’m not sure, but I know it when I feel it.  How do I know I don’t have it already?  I’ve worked really hard paying attention to the connection between my mind/body.  Maybe I’m not looking in the right places? Hmmmm…..

So it’s time to try something different….

“Nobody can bring you peace but yourself” Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Ok, “Santa” may be it isn’t your job.  May be it isn’t anyone else’s job but mine to learn.  May be it is a gift I need to learn to give to myself.                                                   Peace begins with being peaceful with myself. 

Being more peaceful with myself Day 1.

Today, Yoga Day 2.  Yes, me an avid runner who has given the advice of yoga to many clients as a viable option for exercise and strength training and stress reduction.  In giving that advice, I now think it was some sort of “knowing” before I really “knew” what it could do for myself.  Years, I should’ve been doing this. Karmic justice when the “advice” comes back to literally bite me in the a–.  (in case just joining, my chronic pain issues literally start there….)

So in class, one I probably wouldn’t had gone to if I didn’t decide to open my mind and try something different to cope with my pain and stress, it clicked.  My path towards peace is within me, the road map has been there all along, I just haven’t had the courage to follow it.

Was it simply yoga?  Oh gosh no!  But I will continue to do that because it is fabulous and I’m horrible at it and I love nothing more than a good challenge!

But it was the peace in knowing I am the only one who can bring me peace.

I came across this quote today, I laughed out loud and thought I’d share….”fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” George Carlin

(as if I needed to write who said that, doesn’t it totally sound like him?)

The path is a little daunting, but in reality, freeing.  In writing the past year, I’ve been searching for a road map, and what I’ve found is the road map was within me all along, I just got a little lost along the way…….

Where’s your path towards peace taking you?

Peace and Happy Monday…..

Peace….and gratitude. How do you get prepared for Thanksgiving?

 

This Thursday, I will not be vacationing anywhere exotic, I will not be at a fancy gourmet restaurant (or serving a gourmet meal).  I will not be surrounded by the trendy or famous our exclusive list of who’s who in America.  I will not be dressed in haute couture, nor will I be toasting with expensive or exquisite spirits.  What will I be doing on Thanksgiving?

Giving thanks….for all that I do have, and hopefully showing gratitude to all friends/family who I am able to celebrate the holiday with this year.

I will get up early to start dinner, and will run with our kids and friends of our kids in a “sometimes annual” Turkey Day Fun Run (in lieu of the HUGE Turkey Trot in our town.)  We will toast with some sort of beverage, and eat some goodies, all justified because we just ran!  I hope our efforts to have this as a tradition for our kids will be an example of the need to find balance in life…..hard work (running) and fun (celebrating with food/drinks).  I’m grateful for our kids and our friends (and family) most of all in life.  Without them, nothing else matters.   Really, nothing.

Dinner and our table are filled with memories and symbolism….. is yours?

We will then move to the meal portion of the day…..my favorite part.  The preparing, the planning, setting the table, and then, of course, the eating….

• We will be at home, crammed around a table we bought when we first moved into this house.  No where exotic.
• We will be eating a meal prepared by me, my mom, and my mother in law.  None of us are gourmet cooks, but everything we prepare is prepared with love.
• Our guest list varies each year- sometimes friends- sometimes a mixture of sides of the family.  This year, it’s just us and my parents and mother in law.  But our home is open…..so if you know anyone who needs a place, I’d be honored.
• I don’t even really know what haute couture is, but I’m pretty certain I own nothing that is.  I will, however, be dressed in up as a nod to feeling honored by the company I am keeping on Thursday.
• Wine/champagne shall always accompany our Thanksgiving dinner, but decisions on what to serve are dictated far more by what I like and affordability than vineyard or year or undertones or hints of whatever is in my beverage.

We will have: (traditional fixings, and the following……)

• Turkey- placed on a “Turkey” serving dish from my step mother in law.  Because she cannot be with us, her dish serves as a reminder of her love.
• Pierogies, Dill Pickle Soup, Challah bread, horseradish, and Kielbasa.  Honoring my  Polish heritage, and in memory of all our family who are no longer with us.
• Sweet Potato Casserole- a recipe given to me from a former co-worker.  It has become a family favorite, and I think of her grace and beauty and kindness every time we serve this dish.
• Flowers- my mother in law always brings the most gorgeous center pieces.  It is something I never remember to do, and she never ever forgets.
• Table cloth & napkins- custom designed from my mom. I am grateful for her talent and instilling in me the importance of setting a pretty table for family meals.
• Depressions Glass- from my grandma and my aunt (both sides of family).  I have no idea if it’s valuable or not, but I LOVE it.  I LOVE that generations of my family have eaten on the same dishes, I love that it speaks to a simpler time of life, and I love how beautifully delicate the dishes are.  Of everything I put on the table, I love these the most.

Quote for the day “feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” William Arthur Ward.

This gives me something to think about before I develop my Thanksgiving list- of all that I’m grateful for in 2013.

 

 

 

 

peace….and giving “thanks” more than just one day

Giving Thanks…..

Three years ago, for the month of November, I started posting daily on Facebook thoughts on thanksgiving.  Daily.  I can’t remember if it was something I thought to do myself (though I doubt, I am not that creative, or gracious) but I started and did it. Daily.   I did it as a reminder to myself, to focus on all that I have in my life for which to be grateful, rather than focusing on the inevitable “next season” that focuses on all that we want.  Though trite sounding, I really struggle with embracing Christmas as the commercialism of the holiday has become overwhelming.  I long for the simple, pure, and magical feelings I once did have in the anticipation and realization of the holiday. I long for the times when my family would gather in my grandparents basement, fully stuffed from a huge meal, watching my Dad/Uncles perform their puppet shows or preparing the annual Christmas pageant decked out in my Aunt’s old ballerina costumes.  Us girl cousins, not them….Sigh……

Life seemed so simple back then….

So, last night, after a really long day at work (in a job that I LOVE but one that can also be emotionally exhausting) I wanted nothing more than to get my jammies on and go to bed.  While I’m thankful daily, especially this time of year, that I have a job, I just wanted to go to sleep.  Coming downstairs to get a drink of water, I hear words that soften my heart….”Mom, do you want to watch the Bible series with me tonight?” From my 15-year-old son.

How can I say “no” to that?

Before you think, “Wow!  This family is really some angelic, spiritual mecca of a family”, I want to assure you we are not!  I admire families who are, but our family is an aspiring weekly mass attending (aspiring), prayers at bedtime and mealtime and when we think of it times, and more recently philosophizing on the specifics of faith kinda family. I struggle with it.  I want my kids to be faith-filled kids,and I want them to truly be THANKFUL for everything that have and not be self-centered and focused on the things they do not.

So what do I really want them to learn from me?  The importance of faith, and trust in God and willingness to learn and grow and OH MY GOSH, here was my desire for my kids being played out in front of me!

We sat up, later than we normally do on a “school” night, eating popcorn, drinking water (Ok, I did have a beer, I confess….) and watching the Bible miniseries.  I sat in awe, listening to my kids tell stories about what we were watching, and I was humbled, that they were teaching me about my own faith.  They were teaching me.  Wow…..

Sometimes we wonder if our kids are listening, I can assure you they listen much more than we even know.

Sometimes I wonder if they really get the reason behind Thanksgiving, but I can assure you many kids have it figured out better than we do as adults.

On Facebook, we are bombarded with “oh my gosh my kid is the greatest at this that and the other thing”, and while I am happy for my friends who have the world’s greatest kids at this that and the other thing, sometimes I sit and wonder if all that “really” matters in the grand scheme of life?

Then…I read one of the best posts by a High school friend, I would entitle it the World’s Proudest Momma Post (in a while) for teaching her son/s the TRUE meaning of the “season” upon us….

……Her son told her, on his way home from school, he passed by a woman who had a sign that said her husband lost his job, and asking for help.  She had a child with her.  From his own money, and without his parent watching or telling him to do so, my friend’s son bought them hot chocolates and skittles….

I was in tears reading….. how innocent and precious and kind….and Wow!  If my kids are half as thoughtful in their lives, I will feel like I’ve done a good job as a mom.  Teaching your child to be gracious and think of others, and watching them turn out to be just that, truly something to be for which to be thankful.  Good job Momma!

So watching the mini series with my kids reminds me:

To be thankful for all that I have- for many others have fought very hard for me to have the life I have.

To be gracious and thoughtful of others, to share my wealth (meager as it is, but I am still blessed) with others.

And to trust in God.  When I don’t know what path I am to be taking in life, trust in God.

I search for peace in my life daily.  It is a constant effort and something that doesn’t come easy for me.  I search to simplify my life, and to let go of things/people who complicate or distract from my purpose in life.  But really, all I need to do is look at things through the eyes of my children…isn’t that what we’ve been told to do all along?

Hmmm….

“As we express gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.” John F. Kennedy

Peace and Happy month of Thanksgiving…..

peace…..in giving my children a sense of community

Several years into developing a professional relationship with an organization I greatly respect, a dream job finally opened up and I was asked to interview for the position! The job description read as if it was personally written for my credentials and work experience.  I made it through 2 phone interviews, and was asked to fly down to the organization for an in person interview this week.  Sadly, for me, I declined. Fly down= the job is out-of-state.

(I love my current job as a clinical therapist, but as I’ve written in earlier posts, I’m unsettled wondering if there is more I am meant to be doing…..)

I moved a lot as a child.  As an adult, I understand and love my parents for continuously striving to better our lives with the advancement of my Dad’s career.  As a child, I hated it.  I hated being the new kid in a school.  I hated feeling like an outsider.  I hated feeling out-of-place.

When I met my husband, one of the things I liked most about his life story was his living in the same city his entire childhood.  He had stories of the neighborhood kids, of the parks around town, of seeing his city grow and evolve as he did.  We consciously decided to settle in the city he grew up in once we were married, and agreed in the importance of community for our children.

In choosing to live here, our house is smaller than we might like.  I don’t mind.  Community is priceless.  We have sacrificed for our children to go to a small Catholic school…..when I was barely out of graduate school and making little money, when my hours/pay were cut at my former job, and when I changed jobs to better meet the needs of my family….somehow we found the money to send our kids to the school- to be in the community.  I don’t mind the sacrifices.  Community is priceless.

I heard this song recently….it made me think of why I want my kids to have the experience of community….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQYNM6SjD_o

I don’t have “1” house filled with my childhood memories.  I have scattered pictures of this house and that house and this city and that city.  When I’ve been lost and considering what path to take in life, I have often wished I had that place to visit to connect with that sense of comfort and support we have as a child.  Yes, even as an adult, I sometimes wish I had that.  Does that make sense?

Listening to the song made me think, as a parent, it isn’t about my wants and my needs that matter as much as knowing what my kids need.  As they get older, I’m reminded more of the relevance of that early decision to have “community” for our children and my role in remaining steadfast in that early vision.

So maybe I need to focus more on finding ways to be peaceful and content in where I am and stop worrying about my path and let it unfold as it’s meant to be?

“A man (or woman) travels the world over in search of what he (or she) needs and returns home to find it.” George A. Moore.

I want that for my kids.  I want them to know no matter what, they can always come home.  I want them to know that even if I don’t always have all the answers, and Wow! how I so often don’t! May they find peace in knowing they can come home and I’ll be here to listen and surround them in love while they’re looking for their own path in life……

I was side tracked for a few moments…….

peace…and running in the country, a true story….

When I started running, to say that I was regimented was a gross underestimate of my routine.

• I would always wear head phones and usually had a play list- having specific songs set at certain points of the run to get me through.
• I ran the same routes, over and over and over again.  The mere mention of deviating from my routes would send a certain level of panic over me.
• If running with friends, I usually would have to run on the left of everyone else.  Sometimes, it had to do with the Ipod headphone that was still in my ear, but not always.

I could go on, but you get the picture, regimented.

Runners, I have found, by nature are a regimented bunch.  And while routine can be helpful and in some ways necessary in order to achieve specific running goals, the need to stick with them at all cost can rob one of the joy of the journey.

Much to the elation of my running friends, I have learned to let go of some of my rigid ways.  I no longer wear an Ipod when running with others, and rarely wear when I’m running alone anymore.  I am happy to run on the left, right, behind or sometimes in front of others.  And I hardly balk at our “non route” routes and choose to embrace the not knowing where we are going as long as we end up with a certain distance.  Progress…..

So when my husband suggested we go for a run this weekend together, in the country, I naturally jumped at the opportunity.

Ok, that isn’t really how it happened.

When I refer to my “running friends”, my husband is not one of them.  Not because we are not friends, and not because he isn’t a runner…..rather our paces are dramatically different.  He is the hare, and I am the tortoise.

Typically, I am anxious running with people who are faster.  I inevitably feel like I need to speed up my pace and feel badly that the other person is slowing down his/hers.  End result= a horrible run.

This week, I decided to be in the moment and enjoy the run.  And rather than repeat patterns that ended in one/both of us having a bad run, I decided to be honest that in order for me to run with him, I needed to set the pace.  He agreed, without hesitation.

No Ipod.  I was able to listen to the birds chirp, and chat with my husband uninterrupted for an hour, a rarity for any of us who have school aged children.

Country Running….up/down/up/down with no traffic lights forced me to run harder, run stronger, and push myself because I had no external stimuli telling me it was now time for a break.  I ended up running 30 seconds faster per mile than I had been averaging in the past month.

So here’s our funny little running journey in God-knows-where, Michigan…..

I swapped the noise of ambulance sirens and cars honking, the necessary stops of traffic lights and crossing streets with a steady pace down the rolling hills in the country.  We came by a small horse farm, not a typical site on my training runs.  So what does an animal loving, city girl do?  Well naturally, I talked to the horses as we passed by and told each one how beautiful each one was…perhaps I was replacing the stop light breaks I get in the city with the conversation with the horses?   Maybe……

We continued on our path, turning down our next street, while keeping the horses to our left.  We came upon a stunning horse, close to the fence with her rear end facing towards us.  Both of us, without saying a word, were thinking “wouldn’t it be funny if she pooped right now?” (Yes….we were both thinking that!  Hey, we were in the country!)

No sooner did thought enter our minds did a HUGE toot! come out of this majestic, graceful animal sending her speeding away as fast as she could go looking back as if to say “Oh my gosh, who did that?”

I was uncontrollably laughing…..bent over holding my stomach kind of laughing……

The lesson I learned….had I not been willing to step outside my comfort zone, I would’ve missed the beauty of the journey.  And would’ve missed out on a funny story to tell…..

Quote for the day….”Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” Neale Donald Walsch.

Peace and Happy Running…..

Peace….in new vacation mode…..

Ok, really who can’t find peace while on vacation?

• No work- unless you count checking email or conference calls that can sometimes interrupt one’s vacation?
• No deadlines- unless you count dinner reservations?
• No constricting “work clothes”- unless of course you are a therapist like me and opt for flow-y skirts and dresses whenever possible- vacation or not?
• No responsibility- unless you count the responsibility to wear sunscreen, watch out for sharks (yes, I’m slightly obsessed with watching out for them, even on land…), trying to get your kids to eat at least 1 serving of fruits/vegetables on vacation?

After 10 days of being on vacation mode, traveling nearly 3,000 miles to/from and out/about….the things I remember most about vacation aren’t “things” at all, but rather feelings I had while on the journey.

It’s easy to remember the mini golf game, or fantastic restaurants where we were able to eat, the excitement of the amusement park and the grandeur of the beach.  However, to me….I keep reflecting on the feelings I had just sitting and being present in the moment.

One aspect of self I struggle with the most is my struggle to just be present in the moment.  My family can attest I often have a list in my head of at least a dozen things that need to get done or where I need to be, often prohibiting me from really enjoying just being.  Prior to vacation, I consciously thought to myself, I need to cherish the moments.  Not the spectacle of it all, but the moments.  My kids are getting older…..will there be a day they won’t want to go on vacation with me?  My parents are getting older…there will be a day….when they won’t be here to vacation with me.  Gulp.

As I sat on the beach, instead of putting on my iPod and checking out to wherever I go when I’m stressed out….I really watched my kids/parents play in the surf and sand.  I got up and went into the ocean, instead of taking that nap that I would’ve maybe been more inclined to take in the past. With my somewhat irrational fear of sharks (and yes, I felt like I had a few scares over the week), it is nothing short of a miracle that I got into the water this year.

When I went for a run, even with my Garmin on to track my distance, I let go of the need to have a specific pace and went without my music to really listen to the sand and sea and people around me.  I took time to notice the smells and the feeling of the thick/humid air on my skin and in my lungs.

I really tried to put my phone in my purse or in the condo and tried to focus on just being with my family.  That alone…..is a miracle.  It’s amazing when one really focuses on the sweetness of the sound of a giggle or takes time to really listen to what it’s like to be a 15-year-old in this era….or what it’s like living as a 69 and 71-year-old and adjusting to retirement……

I often go on vacation thinking that I will find answers to questions that are swirling around in my head (not just “now” but this is an omnipresent process)……and like vacations of past, no clarity was really achieved this week for me but the feeling of knowing that whatever path I or my family takes is exactly where we are supposed to be is exactly what I needed to gleam from my time away.

There is something sacred about being able to stare out into the vastness of the sea, and knowing that all creatures and people and time and space are somehow interconnected…..the peace that I look for in life can be summed up in that very moment when I close my eyes and feel myself surrounded in, well….peace…….

peace….with frantic prepping for family vacations….

Week before vacation week.  Normally looks like this…..

• Frantically trying to schedule work/clients into limited time slots and hoping it all works out.
• Frantically trying to get my training runs in so I can “not” feel guilty if “perhaps” one of my training runs/workouts doesn’t happen on vacation.
• Frantically writing list after list after list hoping that I don’t forget anything before we leave.
• Frantically trying to remember to make sure cats are fed, mail is brought into house, plants are watered, and now…some fabulous doggy daycare place takes care of my pride and joy, our 2-year-old boxer puppy love Layla.
• Frantic all around……

Even with the frantic schedule, I have always been grateful for the opportunity to go on vacation.  It’s not about the destination so much as the opportunity to spend time with family. And not just the four who live in my house.

Flash back 14 years ago…..My Dad was getting ready for a bone marrow transplant.  Our youngest son was just over two years old, and we decided to go to Florida with my parents so we could take our son to Disney.  Ok, really, we decided to go to Disney so my Dad could see my son go to Disney.  For you see, in the world of loving someone with cancer, nothing in life is guaranteed.  While my son clearly has zero memory of going to Disney the first time, my parents and my husband and I have a very clear memory of going and the almost tactile symbolic nature of the vacation for my Dad’s cancer journey.

Flash forward 13 years later, we have continued to go on vacation with my parents nearly every year.  While the location has changed from the oh so indulgent (and equally non-memorable to my very young children) all-inclusive trips to the Caribbean and Mexico to the more practical but equally lovely trips to Florida, the importance of the experience has remained constant.

As I prepare this week, I remember how grateful I am for the donor who gave his stem cells to my Dad, enabling him to remain in remission for over 13 years.  I’m grateful to the doctors for the perseverance and compassion in his care.  I’m grateful for the lessons learned in the importance of family. Yes, I honestly think about this every time we set out for vacation.

So in my “frantic” week leading up to this year’s vacation, I’m trying to reflect on the following……

• Keeping in mind the fragility life, in particular my Dad’s life, reminds me to show the clients I work with the same compassion and support that my Dad and our family have been shown for nearly 2 decades.
• Having a busy schedule makes me more determined to get my training runs in and makes me work out harder.  I can be a lolly-gagger if given the opportunity.
• Lists keep me focused.  I LIVE by my steno notebook that helps me remember what I need to do, and feel accomplished when I cross things off.  I’m sure my iPhone has an “app” for that….but I’m old school.
• Remembering to trust my neighbors and friends to help us.  It’s a lesson in humility for me.  I’m reminded that we do no live on an island onto ourselves, and we need others.  I’m grateful for the amazing neighbors.
• Lastly, I am reminded to take time to get a slurpie for my kids, lay with my dog Layla (Ok, I seldom need a reminder for that because she is so darn cute!), and reminded to breathe….and relax….and get a pedicure (yes, getting for sure even if time is limited) because what gets done.  does.  and what doesn’t…probably isn’t all that important anyway.

I’m frustrated when people don’t take the opportunity to spend time with family.  Cancer entering our family made me face the uncertainty of life at and early age.  I’ve never taken relationships for granted.  It’s the “gift” cancer has given me.  Over the past year, I’ve watched a neighbor and an Uncle die.  Since then, I’ve watched their families work through grief.  It’s painful to watch.  My heart aches for them.  While I wish that I could take away their pain, I’m aware that this is part of their journey, and I cannot.

What I can do, and will continue to do, is honor their memories by spending time with my family members on vacation….and remembering that time is precious.  Vacation to me is this.  Simple.  Relaxing.  A million of moments that may seem commonplace to some, but to me, are priceless.

Final thought for today…..”I sustain myself with the love of my family” Maya Angelou.

I’m grateful that no matter how horrible I was as a child, and more probably as a teenager (Yes, I was horrible!)….my parents always loved me.  Focusing on that, helps to limit the frantic nature of this week leading up to the joy of vacation.  And who knows, maybe one day I’ll have a pre-vacation week without any “frantic” time whatsoever.

Maybe…….

Peace……….

Peace….and lessons learned from running a marathon

Reading that totally makes me laugh.  There are days I concur.  But mostly it just makes me laugh…..

I saw this video a few weeks back, and it sums up many conversations I’ve had about running and training to run marathons.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbiuns5_WXM

In 2005, I ran my first half marathon in Detroit.  I entered Ford Field (the finish at the time) feeling something north of elation!  I collected my medal, mylar wrap, water, banana and bagel and whatever other food they had set out for the finishers, and began my journey UP the stairs to see my family.  Yes.  You had to go UP the stairs after running 13.1 or 26.2 miles.  (they no longer have the finish on Ford Field, thankfully.)

Upon reuniting with my family, my younger son leans over to me and says 2 things (mind you, he is 3 years old at the time)

• Mommy did you win? (To which I replied, no.  I finished)
• Then why did you get a medal? (To which I replied, because I finished)

How often is our focus on “winning”, that in the process we miss the point or the purpose in the journey?

I spent countless hours training to run the race, knowing that there was no chance I’d ever “win”.  In actuality, the “winner” of the full marathon that year finished a few minutes after I finished my half marathon.  Yet, I couldn’t have been more proud of myself for finishing the race.

In order to get to the finish line…..we have to train for the race, and get the courage to even decide to train to run one.  If “winning” was the only purpose for deciding to enter a race and train to do a race, then there would probably be 4 Kenyans, 3 Moroccans, 2 Ethiopians and 1 Hanson’s running team member to ever show up at a race.  Seriously.  The top 10 is comprised roughly with that same population race after race after race.  Yet, for the Marine Corps Marathon, which I’m signed up for in October has roughly 30,000 people- many average people like me who don’t get paid to run, don’t have endorsements, don’t have a chance to cross the finish line before anyone else does…..but do it anyway.

Top 5 reasons I have learned from marathon running:

1. To set goals.  Whether it’s in running or in further ones education or in deciding to live a healthier lifestyle, it all starts with setting a goal.
2. Discipline.  Distance running requires sacrifice in what you can eat and do during a training season.  Sometimes, it requires skipping late night festivities in order to get in enough sleep to train the next day.  Discipline.
3. Patience.  Training season is 16-20 weeks long.  That includes daily workouts often covering the same course, leading up to the actual race.  Hundreds of hours of training, leading up to a few hours of a race…..patience.
4. Courage.  To combat all the negative messages we hold in our minds that prevent us from even trying something for fear of failing.  It isn’t that I’ve finished 3 full marathons, and 8 half marathons that I find amazing, it’s that I had the courage to even try.  I sat on the side lines for 30+ years of my life, and one day decided I didn’t want to anymore.  I’m proud of that and hope my children can see that in me.  Courage.
5. To have fun.  With all the griping I do about the monotony of distance running, the truth is it is really fun.  I have the best conversations along the way with my “running friends” and am able to see some beautiful cities along the way.  If it wasn’t “fun”…I would’ve stopped years ago.  Fun.

To leave today with the eloquent words of Ernest Hemingway is a great delight…..”It is good to have an end to the journey; but it is the journey that matters in the end.”

I couldn’t have said it any better.

peace and happy goal setting in your journey…..

peace…in cancer, and running, and finding “purpose” in it all….

I fight it.  My connection to cancer.

For over than 20 years, cancer has been a prominent player in my life.

Relative to my peers, I’ve known an inordinate number of people with cancer.  I’ve discussed blood counts, treatment side effects, bodily functions, sexual dysfunctions, and far too often death so often the topics have become commonplace.  Never easy, but commonplace.  Who knew there were so many ways to describe one’s bathroom experiences?

For more reasons that I cannot explain, I needed a change and wasn’t sure how to achieve change, so I left my job…..

Going into private practice, I thought I’d achieve that change and the emotional toll would be eliminated.  In doing so, I’d find a new purpose in life.

I’m still searching….

Maybe I’m impatient?

Someone asked me recently if it mattered that I had a “purpose” in life….I quickly and easily responded, YES!  Quite frankly, I was perplexed that one would even ask.  Do others go through life without a “purpose”?  Really?

For years, my purpose was clearly my passion as an oncology social worker.   And running.  And fundraising with my running. And motivating others to run and sometimes fundraise- and always for cancer support/awareness.  Over the past year, I’ve tried to distance myself from the world of cancer and fundraising.  I’m too tired.  I’m too overworked.  I’m too…something…..Crazy thing is…..in doing so, my passion for running has wavered too!  Who knew?

I’m stubborn.  Deep down I already knew.

They’re all interconnected.  I will never finish first in a marathon, or first in my age group, or quite possibly never revisit my personal best times as my age/injuries/abilities increase/persist.  I’ve redefined my goal in a marathon as praying my wheels don’t fall off and I don’t crash and burn!  Running does not come naturally to me, having a greater sense of “purpose” in my training runs and races gives me the strength to continue when I feel like quitting.

I recognize that non-runners might be thinking…um, why don’t you just not run?  I don’t have a simple (ok, or any) answer for that question.  Other than “I’m a runner…I must run.” (Team “WTF” understands, I’m sure….)

So why have I been fighting this?

At a fundraising event last week, yes, as you might have guessed for my former employer, it all came flooding back to me…the memories of all the brave men/women/children I’ve known over the years with cancer…the lessons they’ve taught me about life….the laughter…the tears…the not knowing what is going to happen in life and finding a way to be still in the moment…..the pride I felt for being part of that community for so long…..

One of my all time favorite quotes is this….maybe I’ve said it before?  It’s so worth re-writing…

“I wanted a perfect ending.  Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end.  Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.  Delicious Ambiguity.” Gilda Radner.

Wonder if I found some purpose in my life again?

While I may not know what’s going to happen next in my life….and anyone who knows me knows that drives me crazy!  (Yes, I know I have some “control” issues)…..I know there is one thing I can do to start re-instilling some passion and purpose in my life….

Run.  Fundraise.  Encourage others to do so too for my favorite charity, Gilda’s Club Metro Detroit.  It’s what I know.  Just writing it makes me smile and ready to take on the hundreds of miles in training that await me…..

Quote for the night….”Man (or Woman) is only great when he (or she) acts from passion.” Benjamin Disraeli

Peace……..