Prepping for interview on dating in tech era…where the wandering mind of the researcher goes….

I have a scheduled interview on an article I pitched: “Dating in the tech era…Some things are different while Some remain the same.” Still working on the title…..

My clinical practice includes a speciality working with young adults.  I like to fancy myself a “kid or young adult at heart.”  However, my oldest son literally is a young adult now, so I can only live in denial for so long.  Now “dating” by no means is just a young adult phenomenon, but perspective on what that looks like is different as a young adult vs…well the rest of us.

Daily, I hold space with women (and some young men) who are in the midst of the dating app vs “a more organic/natural way of meeting potential partner.”  While some things haven’t changed over time (I will address later), some things are way different than when I was in the dating scene 25+ years ago. First, the modern computer and phones as we now know them to be, simply did not exist.  I know, I know, for the millennial and younger generations that seems unfathomable, but it is the truth.

If you wanted to ask someone out of a date, you had to call on his/her landline and risk rejection in front of a room full of his/her peers or family on the other end of the phone,  in real time.  Not through an app on your phone or computer.  This archaic method of “courting” (yes, this dates me as well) felt even more scary as if he/she picked up that phone- there was no turning back.  Good or Bad, you were all in! Especially if he/she had caller ID.  (yes, young peeps!  There was a time you had to pay extra to see who was calling before you picked up the phone.)

The ease and myriad of ways you can “meet” someone have shifted and evolved (or regressed perhaps) in so many ways.  Apps. Table for 8.  Meet up Groups.  The list is seemingly endless. But at heart, everyone is trying to meet “their someone.” Now….. each individual’s definition of “someone” may vary.  To one, “someone is forever” & yet to another, “someone is right now or if it’s convenient.” Sadly, that mystery of your new potential partner’s definition of “someone” has not been solved and each time one enters a relationship, you are risking getting your heart broken.   And that… reality… brings me to the heart (no pun intended, no may be I did intent it to be?) of this blog.

Humans and their pursuit to find love has not changed.  And the feeling when love ends or love is not reciprocated is an universally agreed upon experience, across cultures, continents, languages, religions, genders, sexual orientations, etc.  In research, I found that the term broken heart comes from a metaphor for intense emotional and sometimes physical pain, or deep longing often associated with a desired or lost lover.  Anyone who has had his/her heart broken knows this to be true, the emotional and physical connection can be most powerfully felt through loss.

In further research, I learned that the intense pain one may feel is believed to be part of a human survival instinct, encouraging us as humans to maintain relationships for fear of causing or experiencing intense emotional AND physical pain.  This concept is believed to be a universally accepted truth of the human condition in relation to love.  I further read of the neurological process involved in the perception of heartache and unfortunately, that is when my skill set or intellectual processing needed to tap out for a few moments….

But…the research was astounding!

Reading the science behind this universal knowledge of what one goes through when a relationship ends…made me think about what advice I can give others when entering into relationships based on what the research, and what my clinical experience can offer.  To avoid a broken heart, being the breaker or the break-e, or at a minimum to lessen the pain of the experience.

• Be clear on intentions.  If you are looking for a hook up. State that clearly in your profile or when you meet someone.  There are plenty of people, of all genders and races and religions and sexual orientations who are just looking for sex.  No judgement.  Just be honest.  If you are looking for a relationship, do not settle for less.  You deserve more.
• Be certain you have time and energy to date.  If you are starting a relationship, people often make time so they can see the other person.  As you get comfortable, let’s face it, we all can get lazy.  Does this other person matter?  If yes, then you need to show him/her for a lifetime, not just when it’s easy or convenient.
• Don’t ghost.  If you are in the dating world, I am sure I don’t have to explain this new phenomenon. If you are older like me, it is when someone is talking (which by the way means texting or messaging in some way, rarely does that mean talking on the cell phone or God forbid in person!) and you suddenly, without warning or without any sign whatsoever….Stop.  All.  Communication.  You are not 5 years old.  If you are no longer interested, please have the courtesy to let the other person know so they stop wondering and ruminating over it in my office!  I am kidding!  I am there to support my clients but seriously, if you are old enough to enter into a romantic or dating relationship, be mature enough to have an ending relationship conversation with the other person.  (yes…even if it was one or two dates.  “I’m sorry, I am just not interested in you that way” albeit trite is WAY better than the endless wonder….)
• Understand a broken heart is a real thing. Relationships are complicated, why some survive and some end, still a mystery.  There are a plethora of books on the market, trust me when I say there are a plethora….but not one can definitively say this one relationship or with this one person- yes for sure you are all set. This one will last!!!  Not even close.  While you may the one moving on to the next shiny thing….or a sabbatical….or whatever the circumstance you may find yourself being in- please listen.  As a decent human being, you can be kind in letting someone know he/she is no longer in your “forever plan” and the degree to which you are able to show that other person compassion in the process illustrates what type of person you really are.  Don’t be a jerk.  We have all been there.   To the one who is hurting, know that time (more than anything), love for yourself, a few really awesome and patient friends who “got this” with you, faith if you have some always a bonus, meditation, exercise, chocolate- well because it is the answer for everything and lastly this… belief that love, pure love, is never wasted and never a mistake.  Cherish your ability to feel love- to give love and to receive it.  Never ever regret the times you took a risk, you loved fiercely and even the times you got hurt or never allow another to block your sunshine.

wishing you peace and patience and faith in your journey towards finding and showing up for love.