Sigh……………………..
I was doing so well.
I had a great relatively pain-free race in Nashville in the spring and I feel like I’m right back where I started…..living with chronic and moderate to severe pain in my leg. To be more specific and truthful, it really starts in my a– and goes down to my ankle. Sorry for graphic description, but that’s the truth.
This isn’t a new phenomenon for me as I’ve written about it before, and I’ve stated I’ve been living with it for the better part of 5 years. I don’t talk about it nearly as much as I think about it because I’ve learned sympathy has a shelf life, and after a while no one really wants to hear about it. But the truth is, it NEVER goes completely away. NEVER. I don’t wake up and “not” think about it, ever. I understand what people living with a chronic condition feel like, yet I feel like a wimp even acknowledging mine because well, it’s just piriformis syndrome and really, what’s the big deal? Why don’t I stop running?
Since I started running, it’s been a bit of a respite for me, allowing me find my sacred place and strive towards having a more peaceful inner spirit. In the beginning, I was forging the journey on my own as I didn’t really know many other runners. Since then, I’ve both encouraged others to start or resume running as well as networked with other runners and found a wonderful community of like-minded people who share my love of the sport.
Writing that I have a “love” for a “sport” still feels foreign for me as I continue to struggle with my name being associated with being an athlete. A lifetime of couch-potatohood is hard to escape as a persona.
So this weekend I signed up and ran CRIM. A favorite road race in the area, it’s one of the largest 10 mile races in the country,and one of the largest races in the state. It’s hilly, it’s hot, it lacks shade and it’s a tough course. I know that going in as I’ve run it several times before, always thinking why on Earth and I running this again?
Even though they changed they changed the course this year in the first 2 miles (making the course even hillier, thank you very much!), I felt great for the first 7 or so miles. Then without much warning, my leg began to tighten and I struggled for the last 3 or so miles trying to get my legs to get me to the finish line.
Every runner knows, anticipates, expects, acknowledges there will be some sort of pain that accompanies running, and more specifically running long distance races. I understand and accept that. What I struggle with is finding a way to accept my limitations and trust in my body (and in God) in finding a balance to push myself even when I feel like giving up yet understanding when my body is giving me signals that I need to not push beyond what my injury can endure.
I don’t know how to do that very well.
On the race, I read a person’s shirt that read “The human body has limitations. The human spirit has no boundaries.” I love that. I want that as my mantra.
I have read at other races “In my mind, I’m a Kenyan”……and in my mind, I am! In my mind, I want to go and go and go and go forever, running brings my mind and body in such harmony I just want to continue on….but my human body is injured and honestly, it angers me that it isn’t cooperating.
So I’m trying to find peace and balance again.
Yesterday, I scheduled my weekly massage again. I’m committing to weekly. Today, I did stretches and strength training. Tomorrow I will go back to running, slowly and cross train if need be.
Most importantly, I am remembering in my mind the saying the saying from the cheesie 80s movie Steel Magnolias, “that which does not kill me, makes me stronger.”
Not peaceful…..but finding my way back to the path……
peaceinthejourney 