Keep “The Grinch” in check this holiday Season. Celebration tips for all!

If you are among those who believe Christmas is the most magical time of year you probably aren’t going to read this post anyway, but I so wish you would.  Perhaps more people would have increased compassion for those who don’t celebrate Christmas and find those of us who do slightly obnoxious and insensitive in our merriment.  May be more would understand how difficult the “holiday” season, regardless of which actual holiday you celebrate this “season”, can be if you have recently lost a loved one, are living with a physical illness, living with depression or another mental health diagnosis, or struggling to buy your family presents to put under the tree.  While sure, most of us, myself included, have extremely fond memories of Christmas, this is not the reality for all.

Every year, I start the holiday season hoping this year we, as humans, we will have less complicated relationships, less family drama, less heartaches and be be able to enjoy the “season” as the creators of said holidays intended.  Then I think, did they intend for them to be joyous or is that a social construct we have created along the way?  An unrealistic desire that is destined to fail from the onset?  Without fail, each November/December brings an onslaught of clients, old and new, discussing and looking for ways to be able to not only get through the holidays, but perhaps enjoy them.  Every.  Single.  Year.

I have written in the past about my somewhat idyllic recollection of holidays as a child.  Performing ridiculous holiday plays/pageants for our relatives.  Dressing up in my aunts childhood ballerina dresses.  Painfully slowly opening up presents in my grandparents basement, one by one by one, so that each family member could see what each person received from others…even though we All knew each adult female would get very similar items, each adult male would get the obligatory shirt/tie and each female and male grandchild would also have a similar gift in mind.  It was like clockwork, every single year.  But in its predictability, for all of us children, it was perfect and magical.   and it is not lost on me that my memories are that of a child.  

As an adult, with the protective veil of childhood innocence lifted, we start to recognize the family conflict, internal struggles & heartaches perhaps our parents protected us from seeing.  It is my hope that ALL children get to feel that joy of the holidays surrounded by loved ones, performing ridiculous plays or pageants for their adult relatives & friends, passing out in front of the fireplace exhausted from all the surgery treats.  If we are doing good job as adults, in my humble opinion, we DO keep the drama, the heartache, the sadness from our children, even if for a few days so

On paper, that seems counterintuitive, right?  We are all programmed to believe the holidays are AMAZING and GLORIOUS for everyone, and yet, if you have been on the planet long enough to look around, it is MORE typical that the holiday season bring stress and perhaps some disappointment than any other emotions.  Hopefully not entirely, but certainly it is a mixed bag of emotions and not at all what the Hallmark holiday movies would depict them to be.  Not all families are functional.  Not all people feel love.  Not all humans have a safe and loving home to go to for the holidays.  Not everyone is filled with whatever holiday spirit he/she may be brought up to celebrate.

Wow.  That’s a depressing start to a post, right?  But there ARE things we can do to help ourselves, and those around us if we look at the holidays thorough the lens of an adult, with the spirit of a child.

• Release what does not serve you anymore.  The “Christmas card” sending.  The holiday party you really want to skip.  The random obligatory gift exchange.  Ask yourself “why am I doing this?”  If your livelihood does not depend on you sending that card, attending the party, or doing the gift exchange and it brings more stress than joy…then why are you doing it?
• Schedule time for YOU.  Yes.  For YOU.  Are you exercising?  Are you meditating?  Are you getting a massage or your nails done or …the things that might seem indulgent or “unnecessary” this time of year but help you to FEEL your absolute best.  Then why…. this time of year ESPECIALLY …why are you NOT doing them?
• Invite those to your gatherings who might not have a place to go.  Do you have family/friends who are widowed? Divorced?  Without family/friends around? Estranged from family/friends? Another religion or faith background?  Look around you and SEEK those who need support.  Of all the things, opening my home to those who don’t have a table to plop themselves down in front of and be SERVED this time to year, it is the most rewarding and fulfilling.  I feel so blessed to have a home others feel comfortable to be themselves in and feel loved.
• If you can, shop ahead, wrap ahead, bake ahead, prepare…prepare…prepare.  Not with massive frenzied energy, but do things intentionally and set oneself up for success.  Early in my marriage, it drove my husband a little crazy that I needed lists, I needed plans, I needed to think about what I was serving for dinner weeks in advance so that my anxiety was kept in check.  Yes, it is not a mystery for those around me to SEE my anxiety if I don’t.  I have learned, and not those around me have as well, preparing and doing things intentionally, incrementally, is THE best way for me to keep my anxiety in check.
• Limit your drinking.  I know.  I know. This one won’t be popular for those who like to celebrate with a few holiday spirits. “How else do you expect me to engage with Uncle so & so who says that THING every year and makes me so angry?” I know.  We have all been there.  But alcohol is a depressant.  Despite how ‘lively’ one might feel after having a cocktail or two….afterwards…how do you feel? If you are over 40, for like 2 days after, how ya feeling?  That is what I want us ALL to avoid.  Avoid giving our power over to a substance that only slightly and temporarily makes things feel better.  Try a “mock-cocktail.” Something still bubbly and festive, but without the effects that will skew your ability to enjoy the marathon of a season that is “the holidays.” Or at a minimum, be conscious of how much you are drinking and alternate with water.
• Schedule down-time.  Watch the cheesie-holiday movies.  Walk in your neighborhood and really look at the decorations your neighbors have labored to install.  Read to your children, more.  Have the cocoa with mini marshmallows on a random Tuesday.  Look at old photos.  Practice gratitude.  Call that friend you’ve been meaning to re-connect with but are too busy in your day to day.  (which you are not, that is an excuse, we all have TIME…it’s about priorities but that’s another topic for another time….) Sleep.  Take a bath.  Read a good book for just YOU.  Show yourself compassion, so you can show compassion to the world.
• Volunteer.  Yes.  In small or big ways, make sure you GIVE of yourself this time of year.  Donate money, sure….especially this time of year it is needed by many.  But can you give more, meaning time?  Schedule time to go to your local soup kitchen or food bank.  Gather donations for your child’s school and give a family in need.  Our local hospital has an amazing and simple tradition of gathering each evening and shining our flashlights outside the hospital up to the children’s wing to symbolically “tuck them in at night.” Thousands of people EACH night in December gather to sing songs (not that the children can hear, since we are outside) and shine flashlights up towards them as they shine theirs back towards us.  It seems simple, silly even, but each year I leave with tears….both in thanksgiving my children are healthy and with me as I am doing this, but also that we as a community are supporting in a very very simple way those who aren’t as fortunate this time of year.
• Focus on the why.  Why are your buying this “thing.” Why are running yourself ragged?  Why are you overextending in money and time?  Why? Why? Why?  We are enough, just as we are.  You do not have to buy another person’s love. You do not have to show up at every single event if your body and spirit are telling you rest is really what you need.  You do not have to do anything that feel inauthentic or obligatory just ‘because.’  You.  Are enough.
• Reach out to those who might be hurting.  Be the friend or family member who goes the extra mile to reach out to your friend who might be struggling. Yes, holiday can be magical and glorious, but not for all.   For some, it’s a reminder of the loneliness he/she feels all year long, only amplified with the ‘holiday season’ expectations.  You can make a difference in the life of another by just ‘showing up’ and demonstrating to the other, he/she is not alone.  Whatever your faith, isn’t that a foundational element for all humans, to support one another, otherwise what’s the point?  You can make a difference in the life of another…just by holding space and showing up.

In re-reading my list, I recognize the mixed bag of recommendations for those who are and those who are not in the holiday spirit. Truly, that is the point.  We are all in this thing called “life” together, and if you are among the “holly jolly- this is the best season even” camp- awesome!  But know, you may one day be in the “omg, make this holiday season go away!” camp and knowing that others have you when you feel like you are falling apart, is the absolute best gift and in my humble opinion, truly the reason for the season……

Peace and Happy Holidays…. however you may celebrate. However you show up.  You….are enough.

 

Cats are Big Ole Jerks…& other necessary truths we must accept for a more joyous holiday season

Oh yes. Yes….I said it.  Cats are Big Ole Jerks.

How many times do you find yourself distraught, frustrated because the truth that is staring us in the face is just too unpleasant for us to accept?  The holiday season is the perfect breeding ground for this as we strive to achieve some ideal that is thrust upon us from the media, our family historical memory, or some conjured up fantasy of how things “should be.”

So this year, I thought I’d try to make it simple for you and post my top list of “truths” to help you have a more peaceful and happy holiday season. Hope you enjoy!

• Egg Nog is not a yummy drink.  Truth!  How many times have you bought the carton of gelatinous substantive beverage, only to pour one glass and try to choke it down….perhaps even pouring some adult beverage in it in attempts for it to be more palatable…only to leave it on the counter….getting warm….finding it the next day…pouring out the rest of the glass…and then letting the rest of the carton sit in your refrigerator for the remainder of the season until you pour out the rest after it has expired?  Why do we buy it?  Why do we not accept the truth that it simply is gross & perhaps there is a reason it is only available one time a year?
• No one is really going to remember if you don’t send out holiday cards this year.  Truth!  I know. I know.  You all have bought into the Hallmark philosophy (ok, now the snapfish or tiny prints) that YOU MUST SEND CARDS out to every single person you have any sort of interaction with from the beginning of time, but really…do you? Yes, it is FANTASTIC to see photos of your little peeps as they are growing, or you adorable pets….but if it is indeed causing you stress to get the perfect photo to upload to your now “every card must be a photo card” site, they ask yourself….why am I doing this?  Is it because I believe it is a necessary part of how I celebrate my holiday season, or am I selling out to the commercialization of the holidays?  Why do we not accept the truth that “holiday cards” is something modern-day humans have self-imposed & truly it has nothing to do with the degree to which you faithfully, or joyfully celebrate the holiday season?
• You do not get a medal by wearing yourself ragged during the holiday season.  Truth!  Believe me, I have looked at the end of many-a-holiday season and I have not found one waiting for me.  The baking, cooking, card assembling/addressing/stamping/sending (see above), cleaning, purchasing, wrapping, driving, etc….does not yield a reward if at the end we have overdone it and end up sick or screaming at our kids to enjoy the freaking holiday rather than enjoy the beauty of the season…… So what you can let go?  And why can’t we accept the truth that the holiday season is not intended to be some competitive sport stealing any sort of joy from you or your family at the finish line?
• You WILL forget something.  Truth!  A stocking stuffer, a necktie for Great Uncle So & So, The Christmas Tree Butter (or may be you have looked EVERYWHERE & can’t find it at any stores!), the phone call, the card (see above), the perfect ribbon.  Your holiday will not, no matter how hard you try, be perfect.  So let it go!  Enjoy the chaotic mess that will ensue in your home & all the homes you travel to this season, and realize you are human, and will no matter how hard you try, forget something. And why are we so reluctant to accept the truth that holiday gatherings are about the people we are with, not the tokens we bring or the hoops we went through to obtain them?
• Cats are BIG OLE JERKS.  Truth! Oh yes, I did….I said what we are all thinking.  Now before I get hate mail, let me state I have had cats my entire life!  And I love them.   I have had Ritches (aka the Senator- aka the BEST cat ever!), Winnie, Zoe, Nala, Raine & Charlotte.  And I love, love, love animals.  But the sooner we accept that cats do what they want when they want, the better off we will all be.  During the holidays, especially, they are mischievous little beings who get into our baking supplies, attempt to unwrap presents under the tree, hit and break family heirloom bulbs, bat at things on the floor that they’ve found in the middle of the night waking up the whole house with their shannigans, and my all time favorite….climb up your Christmas trees just to piss you off!  Yes, they are cuddly when they want affection (and only then), yes they are cute…but failing to acknowledge they other aspect of them creates more distress for us, and fails to give them credit for things they are really, really fantastic at doing!  Why don’t we accept the truth that they are indeed, not dogs, and that is ok….they were never meant to be!  So….. place ornaments wisely on that tree, less they teach you a lesson!
• Lastly……People are who they are.  Truth.  Absolutely the hardest one to accept.  I sit in my office in clinical sessions with clients tearfully struggling with wanting family members to be more than quite frankly they are possibly able to be.  Especially during the holiday season.  Yes, we have all bought into “It’s a Wonderful Life” version of what Christmas or the holiday season is supposed to be like, for many (or most)  it isn’t.  While I fully believe people are capable of great change in life, else I’d be out of business as a therapist, we need to be careful not to expect people to change to how we think they should be.  Most people, even those who frustrate, and sometimes hurt us, are doing the best they can.  It is freeing to us, allowing us to truly have a more peaceful & happy holiday season when we remove the expectation that our family is going to be any different this holiday season than they’ve been any other time in the past.  So if they’ve been distant, late, come without a dish to pass, drink a bit too much, don’t say thank-you…. anticipate they probably will do that again this year…and MOVE ON.  Listen…I’m not saying put up with crap from people who are abusive or toxic, but if people are a disappointment because they aren’t meeting your expectations of who they should be…perhaps you need to check yourself & ask yourself why they need to live as you see fit?  Why do we fail to accept the truth that people are imperfect, and we are all (for better or worse) just trying to get through the day and doing the best we can?

Holidays can be stressful…They can be disappointing…They can be exhausting!   If we let them be!   This year, I hope all of you find time to truly relax…and enjoy the beauty of the holiday season and remember that while each & every day we get to choose our attitude we bring to the day, the holiday season is no exception.  Choose peace.  Choose joy.  Choose happiness.

Peace & Happy Holidays……

 

 

What does a month devoted to gratitude do to a person?

Each November, for the past several years, I have devoted the month to posting daily all at least one entry on gratitude.  I am happy I have inspired others to do the same.  What started as a small little reminder for myself has turned into this November Gratitude Practice that has been the perfect backdrop to start my holiday season.

It’s hard, sometimes, however….To practice anything daily, truly.  While I aspire to meditate, practice yoga, juice, and write, “life” and all the expectations that each of us has upon us becomes a distraction and a struggle to balance sometimes what we would like to do, and what we must.  The lines can be blurry.

How do we decipher what is something we would like to do, or something we must do?  How do we determine if this is something we truly want to do, or something others are placing upon us?

What feeds our soul?  What helps us to feel more whole, furthering our life journey in a positive space?  Are all of our “should do’s” something that we really “should do” or simply someone else’s expectations of what he/she thinks we ought to be doing with our life? Wanting with our life?

I can say with absolute certainty, the practice of gratitude is a gift.  When I am the most at peace in my life, I am focused on all that I have vs all that I think I should have. With the inundation from advertising on TV, or in magazines or on social media, it can be a struggle to focused on gratitude for what we do have in our life.

I spent the last 3-4 years of my 93-year-old grandmother in law’s life, driving her around on Thursdays from place to place as she could no longer drive.  We would chat about current events, politics, my children, faith, and life.  In the last year, I felt almost compelled to ask her to tell me stories about her childhood, her life during the Depression, and her marriage and raising of children.  She had a very simple life.  She never wore glamorous ball gowns, or traveled to exotic locations, or ate at fancy restaurants.  Yet, she was so thankful for the simple pleasures in life….homemade cookies, standard coffee with cream, and handwritten cards or drawings from kids.  Every holiday, one would think I had made the most spectacular meal or had the fanciest of decorations as she was always, always, always so thankful and complimentary for my efforts.  Almost overly so.   I cherished every moment I had with her, and felt like it was in some way God’s reminder to me to be grateful for all that I have, instead of yearning for what I think I should want based on other’s lives.  She never once said to me “I wish I had more in my life”….rather she expressed such gratitude, always with me.  A woman who grew up in the Depression.  With so little.  Was yet so grateful.  

“I am grateful for what I am and have. My thanksgiving is perpetual.”

Henry David Thoreau

 One of the greatest compliments I have ever been given is the observation of my grateful spirit.  I remember when this first came up in a discussion, I felt both humbled and embarrassed.  Very opposing emotions….. humbled because I really do feel grateful for all that I have in my life….like Grandma. Yet  embarrassed as it seemed almost to be (although I am quite sure not intended to be) a reminder of how my sense of gratitude and at times aversion to the over-emphasis of consumerism and worldly goods that others covet somehow separates me from my peers.  It is not said in judgment, rather observation that my peace does not come in things, and the secret is…… nor does anyone else’s…..

I remember hearing a story years ago of a man who was obsessed with all things shiny and new and gadgets and trinkets and baubles and…..always yearning for more.  Never satisfied with what he had, and always, always wanting more.  Depressed….he went to talk to his closest confidant, he was instructed to gather all that he had, place all his most valued possessions on his bed and surround himself with his “things.”  As you could imagine, his bed was covered from side to side, and up to the ceiling with his “things”, hardly leaving a space for him.  He stood looking at all that he had, crawled into the bed with his “things” and was asked to think about how he felt being surrounded by all that he deemed as valuable.  A mountain of “things” surrounded him.  Embarrassed, he realized he felt nothing…..for he finally realized although he had amassed a mountain of “things” in his life, not one or all of them could truly do anything to bring him happiness….. for without a grateful spirit, we can never be truly happy………

Naturally having at grateful spirit, and knowing these real life and “stories”…. I admit it is still challenging to truly live a life of gratitude.  Over the past few months I feel like I have been tested.  I have been reminded of some of the worldly things that others have, that I currently don’t and may never have.  I have learned of people who choose to not be in my life, for reasons I understand and some I don’t.  And for a moment….. Ok, sometimes more than a moment…. I am just like anyone else set back into a place of wanting more.  Yet the moment I move into that space, I can feel myself, my true authentic self, slipping away and being replaced by someone I not only don’t know, but someone I truly don’t want to know.

So what to do?  What to do?  what to do?

This holiday season….start simply with….

• Continuing (or stating) the practice of acknowledging at least one thing/person/etc for which you are grateful for each day.
• Seek out ways to give of yourself in small or large ways in your community.
• Make a “blessings bag” (filled with snacks, hats, gloves, toiletries) to give to those in need on your day-to-day travels.
• When making a “wish” list, be humble.  Consumerism will never bring you joy!
• Volunteer.  At local soup kitchen.  In your faith community.  At your children’s school.  At your local animal shelter.  Give.
• Invite neighbors/friends over for the holidays if they have no where else to go.  Open your heart, and your home.
• Ask yourself how having “said item” will truly make you happy.  Are you sure it will?  Or are you buying into the marketing genius of another?

 

While I am so happy that I started this practice years ago, this year I was really challenged and reminded it is not an exercise just for November…. in order to truly have it be life changing, and to find a place of peace and joy….we must remember to practice gratitude daily.  No matter what is going on around us, let our hearts be filled with love and gratitude.

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”

John F. Kennedy

Peace………

 

 

Must do this holiday season

Holiday Season.  Christmas.  Hanukkah.  Kwanza.  However you celebrate. I write “holiday season”, though I personally celebrate Christmas, because  in truth the longer I am on this side of consciousness, the more similarities I see in faiths celebrated in our world.

Peace.  A constant, endless, ceasing, passionate, longing for peace in my heart has taken a twist this Christmas season.  Peace and forgiveness.  Forgiveness and peace.  Isn’t that what we all truly want in life?

Meditating on the concept of peace and forgiveness a few days ago, I had this very clear concept present to me.

In my life….I have been hurt by many.  Some minor infractions, and some profound.  Lasting scars.  And in reflecting on some I have chosen to let go of long ago, I thought to myself…why did I let it go?  Did I really let it go? Why didn’t I lash out and in some ways, why have I chosen to protect those who have hurt me?  Why didn’t I push back?  

Simple.

Simply put, hurting another will never take away the pain we have endured.  Never.  It’s a choice to not allow the hurt from others to penetrate into your heart and prevent you from becoming your true authentic self.  And is that something I really want to give to someone else?   

In past few weeks, cancer has sneakily crept back into my life again.  When I left my full time professional position working with people diagnosed or affected by cancer, and my Dad celebrated year after year (thankfully) of cancer survivorship, somehow I believe I had convinced myself my “time” in “cancer world” was somehow done.

With the diagnosis of my cousin and attending a funeral of a friend’s mom today, I am once again reminded of the fragility of life.  Permanence is but an illusion we create ourselves.  Absolutely nothing in life is permanent.  Nothing.  Friendships, relationships, life, love….nothing…..we delude ourselves, I think in a way to protect ourselves, and in a way to delay needing to forgive and seek forgiveness…thinking we can do that “one day.”

But what if “one day” never comes.  What if it was yesterday?  What if today is our last day on earth?

I remember years ago, my oldest son being saddened when my Grandma died at the ripe old age of 89.  Shortly before, my step-grandmother in law died, at 102 (I think), and in his very innocent, tender, sweet words he said…”aww….she didn’t get to live to see 100,” as if we all have that fate.

Truth.  Each day is a gift.  Each day.  Whether we are Catholic, or Jewish, or Protestant, or Hindi, or Muslim or…..regardless of our belief on afterlife and whether there is one or what it looks like if there is, not one of us will be able to make the transition without leaving this life behind.  Without leaving our loved ones, without leaving our hopes, our triumphs, our regrets…..we can take none of that with us.  Yet so many of us live as if we can delay forgiveness and seeking peace another time.

So what if “another time” never comes?

This “holiday season”…..while we may think we really need all that Amazon has for sale, I assert what we really need is peace and forgiveness in our hearts to truly embrace all this holiday season and beyond has to offer.  Whether this is our first, our last, or somewhere in between….

• Forgive others.  Why are you holding on to anger?  Aren’t you ready to let it go?  “Holding on to anger is like holding on to a hot coal with the intent to throw it at someone else, you are the one who gets burned.” Buddha.
• Meditate.  For 10 minutes or 30, on peace.  It’s my challenge this “season” for everyone.  Imagine our world with more peace, both our world inside ourselves, and our world beyond our understanding.
• Show Kindness.  I remember reading “Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle.” (J.M. Barry) years ago.  Poignant.  This holiday season, in the parking lots-register lines- holiday parties- etc. may you show others the kindness you’d like to receive on your most difficult days.  Always, always, show kindness.

There is a great line in the OAR song Peace that states “……..babe we’re only here but a little while….” Hmmmm….may be all should adopt this thought….if we are only here but a little while, be it 1 day or 100+ years, do we want to live in anger and resentment or peace and forgiveness?

Wishing you peace and happiness…this holiday season, and beyond….. whatever and wherever that is…..

 

3 things to Remember this holiday season that some of you “might” forget to do….

I started the day out weepy, a woman I was blessed to call my friend died yesterday after a long struggle with cancer.  I don’t use “struggle” for all people I’ve known with cancer, but for Elissa, I couldn’t explain it any other way.  She was one of the most courageous people I’ve met in my life.  She is my inspiration for today’s post…..

As we prepare for Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever holiday we celebrate this season, are we really celebrating?  Are we focused on the spirit of the holiday or focused, rather on the trivial aspects that fill so many of our days, especially this time (but not limited to) of year?

What if this was your last holiday,  would you be happy with how you prepared for the season?  If you hesitate for a moment, let me off 3 very simple things to consider over the next few days……

1.  Forgiveness.  Are you holding onto grudges, unable to forgive others for mistakes they’ve knowingly (or more often “unknowingly”) made?

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” Mark Twain.  

Are you holding onto anger?  Is there someone this holiday season you need to forgive?  LET IT GO!!!! Anger grounds us to the earth and keeps us stuck in a way few other emotions do.  Consider it the gift you give yourself, to forgive others, and see how your spirit/mood/light is lifted this holiday season and beyond.

2.  Love.  I heard the other day the most beautiful quote….no idea who it is from but it is this:

“Love is spelled T-I-M-E. ” author unknown.  

Are you spending more time on social media than you are with those in front of you?  LOVE the people in your life with your whole heart, you will NEVER forget a moment in life that you do….and believe me when I say, you will certainly live many moments in regret for those you chose not to do so.  Tomorrow is not guaranteed for any of us, live in the present.  Consider that, your most precious of presents to give another.

3.  Remember.  

“Holidays are about experiences and people, and turning what you feel like doing at the moment….” Evelyn Glennie.  

Remember why we celebrate whatever holiday we celebrate.  It isn’t for the presents under the tree, or the foods we eat, or the carefully coordinated tree and decorations or menorah or whatever is in our home.  Yes, those are all lovely and special….but if they all went away, would we still hold the spirit of the holiday in our heart?

Wishing all of you a very blessed holiday season.
Peace…… and Love……

5 simple ways to de-stress this holiday season.

Holiday season.  Also known as the time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day.  For many religions and cultures, this is a time not only of celebrating secular holidays, it is also a time of high holy days met with great anticipation and preparation.  For Christians, it’s a time readying ourselves to celebrate the memory of the birth of Jesus Christ.  When one looks to the meaning behind Jesus’ taking on human form in the world, the underlying theme consistently is to bring peace to the world.  PEACE!!!!  So why is this time anything but for so many of us? It seems so counterintuitive for what so many of us (if you celebrate the religious meaning  behind Christmas) are preparing ourselves for this Advent Season.  

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” ~ George Carlin.  

(I am not even sure I needed to include his name, doesn’t it sound like something he’d say?)

Irreverent as the quote is, how true are those words?  We cannot find peace by force, by stress, by busying ourselves to a state of exhaustion.  Be honest, we have all tried to do that over the holidays, and I’m pretty sure your experience is something like mine where I’ve found myself irritable and not enjoying the magic and beauty of the season.

Wouldn’t we all like to enjoy the holidays just a little bit more?

Here are 5 simple ways to de-stress, perhaps just a little, to enjoy what is left of this holiday season.

1.  Prioritize.  Your time.  Attend the parties and engagements you want to, and politely decline those you do not want to go to.  Yes.  I am giving you permission to do so.  We cannot be in more than one place at a time, and if feeling like you are competing to get some “I’m the busiest person this holiday season” prize is going to make you feel more of an in-the-holiday-spirit-person, I assure you it will not.  Wouldn’t it be great to truly be in the moment with the ones you love and cherish just a little bit longer this holiday season rather than rushing to be with the ones you feel obligated to be with because of some assumed expectation?  We are all busy, but we do have the choice to let go just a little…greater sense of peace will be your prize.

2.  Let go of Efl of the Shelf Expectations.  Let me ask you…who came up with this ridiculous “tradition” (I use the word “tradition” loosely.) I am so thankful my kids were slightly too old for this when it first surfaced, and I understand the person who invented it is now a multimillionaire, but really, did we all need some additional stress during the holidays?  Was it not enough to tell our kids “Santa is watching so you better be good?” Oh no!  Someone decided, I”m sure in her (or perhaps his, probably her) overachieving mind that we now need an additional spy for Santa in our homes to keep track of our kids and report to Santa if they’re behaving.  And while we’re at it, we might as well come up with scenarios this said elf gets into EVERY-SINGLE-NIGHT!  Seriously, I am so sorry for anyone who feels stressed by this “tradition” and perhaps is missing out on really being with your children, or getting ready for your next work day, or perhaps catching up on some mindless tv because you need to come up with yet another clever scenario to pose your adopted elf in before the kids wake.  Now….if you truly truly love this “tradition”…more power to you.  But if like many (and trust me, I read your Facebook posts) you find this additionally stressful, I ask you this…..is this truly adding to the meaning of Christmas for you, or perhaps are you doing this because you feel obligated to keep up with the expectations of others?  If so…I give you permission to let it go!  Perhaps by doing so…instead of new “wacky” posed elf, a greater sense of peace will be what you wake up to in the morning.

3. Celebrate imperfections.  Back in the day….(I just love writing that…it makes me sound really, really old) I remember Christmas at my Polish grandparents house all crammed into the unfinished part of their basement.  With a hodgepodge of chairs, all around a covered pool table with clothes handing around us, and the washer and dryer used as a buffet table….we would gather together of what I still remember as the best Christmas’ of my life.  There were no fancy coordinated table cloths/napkins/and runners.  There were no gourmet/free range/fancy turkeys or dishes.  There were no elaborate centerpieces.  But what there was love.  And family. And in the imperfection of the table and the meal, there was beautiful perfection of the Christmas season.  So I encourage you to celebrate the crooked/smashed bows on the presents, the slightly over or under done cookies with messy but deliciously indulgent icings, the kids who look slightly disheveled rather than carefully coordinated J-crew models.  Perhaps by letting go of the expectation that Christmas (or whatever holiday you are celebrating) needs to be PERFECT, you will find beauty in the imperfections…..

4.  Give.  From your wallet.  From your time.  From your heart.  I worked for a charity for the majority of my career, and if I can impress anything this holiday season, it’s these two truths…..(1) Charities ALWAYS need money.  And this…it’s a secret……shhh….(2) Doing charity work will ALWAYS do more good for you than any charity you help.  ALWAYS.  There is something so gratifying and freeing to be able to, even if for a few, escape our own problems and give our time, money, talents, and heart to others in need.  Start big or small, but start this holiday season in giving the best gift you can for your family, instilling the value of charity.

5.  5?  Hmmmmm…..oh well, I think I’m giving myself the gift of NOT stressing out and coming up with a 5th.  Perhaps it’ll give me time to enjoy and prepare and peacefully transition from Advent to Christmas season?

“Holidays are about experiences and people, and tuning into what you feel like doing at that moment.  Enjoy not having to look at a watch.” Evelyn Glennie.  

Peace……

Dear Santa…all I want for Christmas this year is……peace…….

Dear Santa…..

All I want for Christmas this year is peace. Peace & Love, Me

Vague you say?  Perhaps. What does that mean?  I’m not sure, but I know it when I feel it.  How do I know I don’t have it already?  I’ve worked really hard paying attention to the connection between my mind/body.  Maybe I’m not looking in the right places? Hmmmm…..

So it’s time to try something different….

“Nobody can bring you peace but yourself” Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Ok, “Santa” may be it isn’t your job.  May be it isn’t anyone else’s job but mine to learn.  May be it is a gift I need to learn to give to myself.                                                   Peace begins with being peaceful with myself. 

Being more peaceful with myself Day 1.

Today, Yoga Day 2.  Yes, me an avid runner who has given the advice of yoga to many clients as a viable option for exercise and strength training and stress reduction.  In giving that advice, I now think it was some sort of “knowing” before I really “knew” what it could do for myself.  Years, I should’ve been doing this. Karmic justice when the “advice” comes back to literally bite me in the a–.  (in case just joining, my chronic pain issues literally start there….)

So in class, one I probably wouldn’t had gone to if I didn’t decide to open my mind and try something different to cope with my pain and stress, it clicked.  My path towards peace is within me, the road map has been there all along, I just haven’t had the courage to follow it.

Was it simply yoga?  Oh gosh no!  But I will continue to do that because it is fabulous and I’m horrible at it and I love nothing more than a good challenge!

But it was the peace in knowing I am the only one who can bring me peace.

I came across this quote today, I laughed out loud and thought I’d share….”fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” George Carlin

(as if I needed to write who said that, doesn’t it totally sound like him?)

The path is a little daunting, but in reality, freeing.  In writing the past year, I’ve been searching for a road map, and what I’ve found is the road map was within me all along, I just got a little lost along the way…….

Where’s your path towards peace taking you?

Peace and Happy Monday…..

peace….and giving “thanks” more than just one day

Giving Thanks…..

Three years ago, for the month of November, I started posting daily on Facebook thoughts on thanksgiving.  Daily.  I can’t remember if it was something I thought to do myself (though I doubt, I am not that creative, or gracious) but I started and did it. Daily.   I did it as a reminder to myself, to focus on all that I have in my life for which to be grateful, rather than focusing on the inevitable “next season” that focuses on all that we want.  Though trite sounding, I really struggle with embracing Christmas as the commercialism of the holiday has become overwhelming.  I long for the simple, pure, and magical feelings I once did have in the anticipation and realization of the holiday. I long for the times when my family would gather in my grandparents basement, fully stuffed from a huge meal, watching my Dad/Uncles perform their puppet shows or preparing the annual Christmas pageant decked out in my Aunt’s old ballerina costumes.  Us girl cousins, not them….Sigh……

Life seemed so simple back then….

So, last night, after a really long day at work (in a job that I LOVE but one that can also be emotionally exhausting) I wanted nothing more than to get my jammies on and go to bed.  While I’m thankful daily, especially this time of year, that I have a job, I just wanted to go to sleep.  Coming downstairs to get a drink of water, I hear words that soften my heart….”Mom, do you want to watch the Bible series with me tonight?” From my 15-year-old son.

How can I say “no” to that?

Before you think, “Wow!  This family is really some angelic, spiritual mecca of a family”, I want to assure you we are not!  I admire families who are, but our family is an aspiring weekly mass attending (aspiring), prayers at bedtime and mealtime and when we think of it times, and more recently philosophizing on the specifics of faith kinda family. I struggle with it.  I want my kids to be faith-filled kids,and I want them to truly be THANKFUL for everything that have and not be self-centered and focused on the things they do not.

So what do I really want them to learn from me?  The importance of faith, and trust in God and willingness to learn and grow and OH MY GOSH, here was my desire for my kids being played out in front of me!

We sat up, later than we normally do on a “school” night, eating popcorn, drinking water (Ok, I did have a beer, I confess….) and watching the Bible miniseries.  I sat in awe, listening to my kids tell stories about what we were watching, and I was humbled, that they were teaching me about my own faith.  They were teaching me.  Wow…..

Sometimes we wonder if our kids are listening, I can assure you they listen much more than we even know.

Sometimes I wonder if they really get the reason behind Thanksgiving, but I can assure you many kids have it figured out better than we do as adults.

On Facebook, we are bombarded with “oh my gosh my kid is the greatest at this that and the other thing”, and while I am happy for my friends who have the world’s greatest kids at this that and the other thing, sometimes I sit and wonder if all that “really” matters in the grand scheme of life?

Then…I read one of the best posts by a High school friend, I would entitle it the World’s Proudest Momma Post (in a while) for teaching her son/s the TRUE meaning of the “season” upon us….

……Her son told her, on his way home from school, he passed by a woman who had a sign that said her husband lost his job, and asking for help.  She had a child with her.  From his own money, and without his parent watching or telling him to do so, my friend’s son bought them hot chocolates and skittles….

I was in tears reading….. how innocent and precious and kind….and Wow!  If my kids are half as thoughtful in their lives, I will feel like I’ve done a good job as a mom.  Teaching your child to be gracious and think of others, and watching them turn out to be just that, truly something to be for which to be thankful.  Good job Momma!

So watching the mini series with my kids reminds me:

To be thankful for all that I have- for many others have fought very hard for me to have the life I have.

To be gracious and thoughtful of others, to share my wealth (meager as it is, but I am still blessed) with others.

And to trust in God.  When I don’t know what path I am to be taking in life, trust in God.

I search for peace in my life daily.  It is a constant effort and something that doesn’t come easy for me.  I search to simplify my life, and to let go of things/people who complicate or distract from my purpose in life.  But really, all I need to do is look at things through the eyes of my children…isn’t that what we’ve been told to do all along?

Hmmm….

“As we express gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.” John F. Kennedy

Peace and Happy month of Thanksgiving…..