Advice Parents of Young Children Won’t Believe

Summer Break.  Windows open.  Sounds of little voices fill our neighborhood.  Sometimes giggling, sometimes crying….all nostalgic reminders of how quickly time moves.

It seems like only a few moments ago, our family was new to the neighborhood.  We were the family with a baby and a preschooler.  We were the over-decorated Halloween house, the side-walk chalked front side walk, the yard filled with various toys and ride along cars of various shapes and sizes.  We were the red-eyed, spit-up stained clothed, stroller pushing, car seat adjusting, early to bed and far too early to rise parents who often blankly looked at each other muttering something like “will this ever get easier?”

Now…..our house is filled with children who resemble adults in almost every single way.  They’re taller than us.  Smarter than us (of course, they’re late teens/young adults…aren’t they all?).  They eat more than us.  Halloween and Christmas and…..all decorations have been dramatically reduced to an almost obligatory effort to try to still “look” like we are into the holidays.  Side walk chalk has been replaced with a sea of textbooks and papers and online tests.  The yard no longer has a spattering of toys, replaced rather with a room filled of sweaty, loud boys playing xbox or yelling at the TV while WWE is on to entertain them.  Ride along cars are now replaced with ACTUAL CARS.  No more strollers…no more car seats……and often we are in bed way before they are…..

In a moment, it all changes.  And in the midst of it, I remember thinking it felt like eternity getting from day to day.  The monotony has a way of altering perception of time.  And looking back now, I simply cannot imagine where all the time went.

For those reading….if you have children….do you remember that feeling when you first held your child/ren, and thought these probably universal words “how could I ever love this child anymore than I do in this moment?”

You CAN!  And you DO!  I’ve always been amazed at how this works.  Something so unquantifiable….yet tangible in some abstract sense.  My only regret, I didn’t learn to really enjoy the monotony of the moments as I was in them when my kids were small.  Somehow I so was looking for the next step, the next milestone, and now that my oldest is leaving for college in a few short months (OMG!) and my youngest is entering high school….my sentiments are best described in this wonderfully sappy song….

slow down

You will make mistakes.  They might “hate” you for a moment or two.  You will second and third and …guess yourself.  You will one day, be in my space wondering how on earth 18 years has slipped through your fingers with you barely noticing it.  If the grey hairs or impending wrinkles don’t prove to you that you are indeed older, and no longer the parent of a newborn or toddler….the towering “adult-ish” person living beside you will certainly utter something to let you know….he/she is ready to spread his/her wings….and no matter how much you want to respond back……

Know that you only have them for but a moment…..and may be if you read this and PAY ATTENTION…..you will slow down for a moment and enjoy the absolute best wandering journey around……

Peace…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Mom is college better than High School?”

I have a son who’s a college senior.  How~Did~This~ Happen?

It seems like just yesterday we walked him into his kindergarten class, prodding him to take the obligatory photos with parents and grandparents all holding back tears as he started his academic journey.

In a blink of an eye……those years are gone….and we’re now helping the same son decide between colleges, a seemingly daunting and elusive decision.

In his restless desire to exit high school and more importantly start “real life”…..

Wait……. wasn’t this just me?  My parents dropping me off at the University of Dayton, driving off as I stood outside of Marywood Hall……filled with emotions, both a sense of excitement and a sense of FEAR!  I remember that moment….captured in time.  It was the start of 4 of the best years of my life.

And yes, son, COLLEGE WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN HIGH SCHOOL . I should state, however, I went to 3 High Schools.  3.  So, my opinion might be slightly biased.

Looking back, the days and months and years I spent in college were absolutely fantastic!   Not because the act of going to college in and of itself, rather because of what the experience allowed and encouraged me to do.  I took classes on philosophy and religion and literature and art and astronomy….none of which were in my major, but in a profound way shaped the person I am today.  I volunteered on campus, I worked at a day care center with kids, I volunteered at Dayton Hospice facilitating support groups, I rushed a sorority, I went to social with fraternities, and went to parties in the “ghetto”……I soaked up as much of the experience as I could, and looking back, I wish I would’ve done even more!

Both the author of the above article and I agree, it isn’t so much where you to to college that matters, but what you do with that time that makes the difference.  How committed to the process of learning, exploring, living life are you?  What causes or organizations or events are you willing/wanting/committed to being a part of in college?  How much do you want to realize the person you are really meant to be? 

Because is isn’t so much what happens in our life that matters…but what we choose to do with it that makes all the difference! 

My wishes for my son, and for all the HS seniors contemplating their college choice is as follows….in no certain order….

• Explore the area you will be living in for the next 4 (or so) years.  Go to the local diners, find the hidden gems only the locals know.  Really immerse yourself in the city or town where you are living.
• Take that random class that is out of your comfort zone!  Study Shakespeare or World Religions or ………. Now is the time to expand your horizons.
• Go out of your way to make “new” friends.  Even if you are going to school close to home, we continue to benefit from meeting new people.
• Get involved!  Join a club, play an intramural sport, rush a fraternity or sorority, volunteer!  College is more than just what is learned in the classroom.
• Choose your major, carefully!  Choose something that you LOVE so as the saying goes “Love what you do, and you’ll never work a day in your life!”
• Stay up late!
• Sleep in!
• Ask the “stupid” question in class.  Others, I GUARANTEE, have the same question.
• Exercise.  Debunk the theory of the “freshmen 15”, and instead exercise to manage stress & anxiety that naturally comes with starting college.
• Keep in contact with your HS friends.  They are your foundation, less you forget.
• Skype/Facetime/Text/Email/Call your parents and your family.  OFTEN.  This transition is as hard (if not harder) on them than on you.
• Take risks, but not with your behavior.  Be smart.  Be safe.
• Try new things.  Food.  Activities.  Music.  Cultural events.  This is the time for you to spread your wings and really see who you can be (who you already are!)
• Be in the moment.  Practice mindfulness & meditation and if you don’t know what that is, learn!  It will work wonders on quieting your mind, reducing your stress, and allowing you to truly enjoy the moment.
• Remember….more than anything….Nothing in life is too big to cope with when you have friends and family who love you.  And no matter how far you go, we are always, always with you in your heart.
• Last, for today, know that you are more than your school, more than your major, more than your degree.  You are uniquely Y-O-U and that is all you ever have to be!

Sigh….there.  My list.  Not exhaustive, but a start.  I am sure there will be a million more “little tidbits” of advice I will have for him, and ones I will forget and kick myself for not sharing…..and I’m sure he will NOT LISTEN TO MOST OF THEM.  But then again…..Did I?

 

Peace….and happiness….to all beginnings…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

Would you change?

Leaves change. My youngest son’s voice is changing. Google’s logo changed. Politician’s views on issues change (all-the-time).

All things in life change.  Somedays I wonder…if I have the courage to accept the change that is happening in my life….

Do you?

(Click on the video above to hear song.)

As a child, I moved a lot.  3 elementary schools.  1 junior high (Whoo-Hoo!).  And 3 High schools.  As a child, I had no choice but to change.  My address.  My school.  My friends.  My sense of self.  I didn’t know there were any other options. We change as a child often because we don’t know there is an alternative.  We are not in control of our here & now, so we change as a result of what we are forced to accept in our life.

Some of the changes were hard.  Changing school & states in the middle of my junior year of high school wasn’t what anyone would necessarily say as ideal or preferred.  At points, it was miserable.  My parents apologized later in life for my having to go through those changes.  At a child/teen, I wasn’t happy to go through them….and I’m sure accordingly I made their life rather miserable at times.  However, as an adult, I see the value of learning to adapt and change.  I am certain I would not be the person I am today, had I not learned the value of CHANGE.

Where would I be today if I hadn’t learned to change?

As an adult, we KNOW we don’t really have to change.  We can stay put.  Stuck.  Accept status quo.  Bury our heads in the ground.  Put up blinders.  Keep on truckin.

I wonder, really, if we we ALL looked at life and the opportunities to change as necessary as we did as kids, where would our paths lead us? If we didn’t take the easy road out and ignore problems, or overlook opportunities, would we be better off?

LOVE this.

October.  Leaves changing into brilliant, varied colors in the midwest welcoming cooler temps and shorter days.  Change.  Beautiful change.

Today, I helped my son finish 3 college applications.  Change.  Scary and EXCITING change.

This week, we are having our 2nd meeting with a builder and an architect to discuss an addition to our family home.  Change.  Expensive and OVERWHELMING change.

If we don’t meet the change with a childlike sense of opportunity, then we risk accepting our life rather than truly LIVING our life.  Directing our life.  As much as we can, because let’s be honest, don’t get delusional in thinking we TRULY have control over everything in our life.  We put our best out there, and hope/pray for the best outcome….or at the very least….

“Peace in the journey…strength for the reality”….. author “Me” 

For all my friends out there with children who are soon to be college-bound, I think we all share a similar fear and great anticipation for our children to leave the nest.  There’s a desire for them to venture on with their lives as we know this is a necessary developmental stage and an opposing desire to turn back the hands of time for one more of these moments….

• Trick or Treating in your Harry Potter or Charlie Brown costumes.
• Hours of putting your Christmas gift of Rescue Heroes together with carefully placed necessary stickers on every square inch of the massive plastic “ship.”
• Messy bouts of playing with playdough.
• Packing diaper bags.
• Teaching the ABC’s.
• Reading one more bedtime story.
• Washing one more load of clothes in the DREFT detergent.
• Hearing “I love you mommy” in their childlike voice, for the first time.

Those moments were awesome, weren’t they?  But if we look back on yesterday focusing on what we are now missing, might we risk not cherishing/celebrating/enjoying what is yet to come?

Would I change?

ABSOLUTELY!  Because it’s the one guarantee we have in life…with every moment we are on Earth, we have the opportunity to change.

Peace…..and here’s to celebrating CHANGE!

Back to School……A Senior In the House….

Senior Year.

How did this happen?  I started to input all the important calendar dates into my planner today (yes, “planner”, I’m old school) & felt tears welling up in my eyes.  How on Earth is my “baby boy blue” a senior in high school?  And how is our younger son in 8th grade?

I know.  I know.  It happens.

I know.  I know. I’m FAR too young to have children this age….shameless plug for compliments.

But it really seems like JUST yesterday we were taking them to their first day of preschool or kindergarten and now…..we are preparing for this monumental change and try as much as I’d like to freeze the moment……moments continue to slip on by.

I want to stop time and just cherish where they are in this moment and time.

I’ve made lunches for my kids since they started school.  As the days and weeks and months and years flew by, at some point I became keenly aware they’re completely capable of making their own lunches.  Why was I still doing it?  After all, during summer break, I made maybe 2?  But I realize it is me who needs to make them.  I’m not ready for them to change and grow and move out! I know there is a day, all too soon, when I won’t be there to make their lunches or tuck them into bed or kiss them goodnight. Ugh.  That’s all I can say.

I remember when the kids were really young, before school years, and the days seemed to DRAG on forever.  I felt like I was constantly picking up legos or changing diapers or making food.  An endless cycle of feeding, changing, and cleaning up after them. Now…..our days/nights are a blur of assignments for school, deadlines for college applications, college essays, & college visits…..& tears.  Not the “Mommy I don’t wanna go to bed tears”, or the “Mommy can’t I watch one more ‘Mel’mo” (aka Elmo)” …..No these tears are the embodiment of the realization that times are a changing.…..

In less than a year, our baby boy blue will (hopefully) be away at college.  And the funny thing is in life, even though we prepare for and are warned as young parents how quickly the time does pass……NOTHING prepares either you or your child for the inevitability.

In the twists and turns, monumental and trite days and nights that have made up the past 17+ years of being a parent, I believe it is in the commonplace moments I find the greatest joy in my life.

How many more:

1. Walks with Layla the Wonderdog and Baby Boy Blue will I have before he graduates?
2. Visits down memory lane of the obscure of vacations or days gone by?
3. Bottles of ranch dressing, zero vitamin water, jars of crunchy peanut butter, macintosh apples, vegan cheese packages, and homemade macaroni and cheese or french toast will I be making?
4. Hugs- with both arms until I’m feeling like he’s going to crush my spine but I don’t want to tell him to let go.  Not now…not ever….
5. Reminders of cleaning his room, or taking clothes downstairs to the laundry, or putting his dishes in the dishwasher or turning in his homework?
6. The sound of his bellowing laugh emerging from the upstairs as he and his brother watch some podcast for the gazillionth time!
7. Intellectual discussions of subject matters I have no ability to understand & yet am so proud and impressed that he does with such ease.
8. Loving teasing of my entering my “golden years” or playful banter that only Baby Boy Blue would dare to attempt to explore with me, and only he can get away with doing.
9. Tears…..of what has and hasn’t happened in Baby Boy Blue’s life.
10. Tears….of what is possible for Baby Boy Blue’s life.

No one prepares you.  No one can.  We think when the moment arrives, when they are set to be leaving the nest, we will be ready but how can we be? Really?

So how do we find peace in the unknown?  How do we sit with what we don’t know and trust?

Sitting quietly with my thoughts, I remember the moment Baby Boy Blue was laid upon me and I saw his beautiful face for the first time.  I somehow knew in that moment, he was only “mine” for a few brief moments of life.  I was there to help guide him, to teach him, and to love him but his purpose in life is far beyond just being my son.  I’ve seen in him, far more than he recognizes, a grand purpose in life.  And I have been privileged to be with him on this part of his journey.

So have faith….and breathe…..and celebrate…..and cry….and laugh……and enjoy every moment as each day in the NOW is a gift, that is why it is called the “PRESENT.”

Peace……

Through my son’s eyes…..

I close my eyes.  For a moment, I’m transported to a day seemingly not so long ago.  Sitting on the rooftop of my sorority house, contemplating the future.  Avoiding the possible albeit unrealistic phone call informing one or all of my roommates that we didn’t pass an exam and would be staying for one year.  Balancing the conflicting but both very real thoughts of both wanting our lives to move forward, and secretly wanting to stay in college as long as possible.  I knew, in a very real way, life would never be as simple as it was in college.  Sure days were filled with juggling hours and hours of studying, part-time job, obligatory sorority duties, and of course going out with friends!  It seemed so stressful.  It seemed so monumentally important, every single day.  Daily, it was a balancing act of fun and work, a moment in time like no other I’ve experienced before or since.  

Flash forward to a few weeks ago….I walk onto Savannah College of Art & Design’s (SCAD) campus.  Where did all those years go? How is it possible that I was now taking my oldest son to his first college visit? How is it possible that I’m old enough to have a nearly college-age child?  (That’s another blog)

The campus is beautiful.  Historic and charming and warm and friendly.  Everything one would expect from a southern college town.  However, the point of going wasn’t so much to see the campus, although that was great, as it was to show my son what he’s capable of doing. To show him academia beyond his very small and somewhat sheltered high school existence.

We must dream something first, before it becomes our reality.

My son wants to go into animation.  A forever fan of animated films, more than live action films, his dreams are big! And intimidating to him.  I think they’re fantastic.

On the trip, we laid on the beach together, on overly priced cheap touristy towels we bought in Tybee Island, chatting in what seemed like a place separate from the rest of the world.  I said the following words…hoping my son remembers but a small portion of them…

Do something amazing in your life.  Don’t settle for the mundane and secure just because your dreams scare you.  You’ve been given a gift- an amazing gift to be able to create art.  Your path is different from others around you, because it’s YOUR path.  Do what you love, and you will never work a day in your life.           (He hated that last part…..)

I hope he remembers it.  I hope one day, he recognizes how unique his abilities are.  While he is also intelligent and articulate and learned, he can draw some pretty amazing drawings & that is pretty damn cool!  He can create from his own imagination some beautiful and intricate and stunning pieces of art.  How many people can say they can?

At the end of the experience, as we flew back on a freakishly early flight…with the truly spectacular in my eyes son by my side…..I was filled with emotion and thought on how we all really should live our life with this intent…….to dream big and work hard to follow our dreams no matter how old or how young we may be.  No matter how scary or daunting them may be!  What’s a life without dreams?  Existence?  How do we truly know our potential if we don’t push ourselves beyond our comfort zone, beyond the expected, beyond the vanilla existence so many of us often just accept as good enough?

I for one have been procrastinating on writing my book (which my lovely son reminded me of about a half a dozen times over the time we were in Savannah, “hey, how’s that book writing coming along mom?” said with a brilliant, charming smile…..), procrastinating on getting my sorta started online business off the ground (much to the chagrin of my very patient business coach), and procrastinating on getting myself into the physical state I feel confident in residing in for my time here on earth……after nearly a 3 month hiatus in writing something snapped in me today and I realized….if I am not actively pursuing my own dreams, what sort of example am I setting for my sons?  For others?

I leave today’s blog…..with one last thought….one I will be thinking about this week to keep me on track…..in honor of my son who adores animation.  The world is out there for us to experience….what dream are you going to put into action today?

Peace…….

Go back to college years or remain in 40s? I’d pick 40s…here’s why!

Sure…in our 40s we are no longer starving college students so we may try….but there are certain things money cannot buy.

I spent a weekend in Chicago with my sorority sisters, 2 of whom I haven’t seen since I was in college 20+ years ago. 20+ years, how is that possible?

There was reminiscing of the days (and nights) at University of Dayton, and post college/early 20s years, and the where did the time go?

There was shopping, overly priced cocktails and craft brews, indulgent meals, walk/jog by Navy Pier & along Lakeshore drive, and the obligatory photo-op with the “bean.”

While I loved! loved! loved! all of the “what” we did, it was more the conversations and the support that was given and received that left me thinking….wow….I am blessed to be in my 40s.

While my days in college were filled with classes and working minimal hours at the local daycare center and spending most of my time with friends, what they weren’t filled with was deep conversations or the feeling that I had support (or probably that I was giving support) on any deep level.  While we busy our time so much during those years trying to figure out who we are, we are left with very little time to acutely observe the lives of the people around us.

In our 40s, we are often facing the reality of aging parents, physical or emotion illness of ourselves or others we love, financial triumphs and far too often struggles, challenges of parenting, insecurities with our weight and the aging process, failed or floundering marriages, and a myriad of other very real and difficult life issues….we are also equally blessed with a greater sense of who we are, and who we want to be.  We are not as consumed with finding ourselves, and rather able to stop and look at our friends and family around us and take a moment (or many) to support and comfort them.

While together, we did share some of our struggles, both now and when we were back in college.  Back in the day, I had no idea anyone else was struggling but me.  I never stopped to ask, and certainly would never have shared my personal pain with anyone…..so how would I know?  The only difference between living life in my 40s and then, is I’ve taken the time to be there for my friends and step away from myself as often as I can.  I learned the art of giving and receiving friendship.  Leaning and being the rock.  Talking and listening.  Being vulnerable and being non judgmental.

So when people talk about wanting to go back to the days of college, I think to myself for a moment, yep! Sign me up!  But then I remember this weekend and think NO WAY! While I loved every single moment of college, I am happy to be right where I am now.  Complications of life and all, there is something supremely rich and beautiful about the depth of friendships I now have in my life.  It’s in the depth of the sorrows and joy I feel true friendships emerge.

While on Facebook today, I noticed a flurry of posts in support of a mom from my children’s school who is facing breast cancer.  My heart is warmed knowing no matter what, this lovely woman has a circle of friends praying for and supporting her.  When she may be feeling weak, they will be strong.  I have no doubt she has done the same for another friend before, and hopefully will have that opportunity going forward.  That is what makes true friendship so beautiful…it isn’t being there for when times are fun and easy, it’s the standing by and supporting one another through the storms of life.  

I may have used this song before, but it’s worth repeating…..may be I should start keeping a log?  This was the song we had as our last song, for our last gathering, before graduation with my sorority sisters….better known as my friends who happened to all be in a group with me.  True friends…….are friends forever……

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ped1jYLFtkA

peace…..in giving my children a sense of community

Several years into developing a professional relationship with an organization I greatly respect, a dream job finally opened up and I was asked to interview for the position! The job description read as if it was personally written for my credentials and work experience.  I made it through 2 phone interviews, and was asked to fly down to the organization for an in person interview this week.  Sadly, for me, I declined. Fly down= the job is out-of-state.

(I love my current job as a clinical therapist, but as I’ve written in earlier posts, I’m unsettled wondering if there is more I am meant to be doing…..)

I moved a lot as a child.  As an adult, I understand and love my parents for continuously striving to better our lives with the advancement of my Dad’s career.  As a child, I hated it.  I hated being the new kid in a school.  I hated feeling like an outsider.  I hated feeling out-of-place.

When I met my husband, one of the things I liked most about his life story was his living in the same city his entire childhood.  He had stories of the neighborhood kids, of the parks around town, of seeing his city grow and evolve as he did.  We consciously decided to settle in the city he grew up in once we were married, and agreed in the importance of community for our children.

In choosing to live here, our house is smaller than we might like.  I don’t mind.  Community is priceless.  We have sacrificed for our children to go to a small Catholic school…..when I was barely out of graduate school and making little money, when my hours/pay were cut at my former job, and when I changed jobs to better meet the needs of my family….somehow we found the money to send our kids to the school- to be in the community.  I don’t mind the sacrifices.  Community is priceless.

I heard this song recently….it made me think of why I want my kids to have the experience of community….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQYNM6SjD_o

I don’t have “1” house filled with my childhood memories.  I have scattered pictures of this house and that house and this city and that city.  When I’ve been lost and considering what path to take in life, I have often wished I had that place to visit to connect with that sense of comfort and support we have as a child.  Yes, even as an adult, I sometimes wish I had that.  Does that make sense?

Listening to the song made me think, as a parent, it isn’t about my wants and my needs that matter as much as knowing what my kids need.  As they get older, I’m reminded more of the relevance of that early decision to have “community” for our children and my role in remaining steadfast in that early vision.

So maybe I need to focus more on finding ways to be peaceful and content in where I am and stop worrying about my path and let it unfold as it’s meant to be?

“A man (or woman) travels the world over in search of what he (or she) needs and returns home to find it.” George A. Moore.

I want that for my kids.  I want them to know no matter what, they can always come home.  I want them to know that even if I don’t always have all the answers, and Wow! how I so often don’t! May they find peace in knowing they can come home and I’ll be here to listen and surround them in love while they’re looking for their own path in life……

I was side tracked for a few moments…….