“What you seek…… is seeking you”……… on my favorite new Spiritual Gangster shirt.
This is what I wanted to see. This is what I hoped was seeking me. Calm. Graceful. Gentle. Definition of chill…
This is what found me….
A wandering spider in Costa Rica. Brazilian Wandering Spiders in Costa Rica
Now….before I left for what was going to be, I was certain, a life changing yoga/meditation retreat in the tropical rain forest of Costa Rica, I had several fears percolating in my brain.
- Fear: Eaten the a similar tiger shark that unfortunately killed a scuba diver off the coast a few months ago. Solution: Don’t go diving, or in the water. Done! I rarely do anyway. And it was POURING the entire time I was there, so that was not even a consideration.
- Fear: Bitten by an eyelash viper or any of the 20+ incredibly venomous snakes in Costa Rica. Solution: Don’t go off trails & go with others. Easy. I stayed on trails, and when I went to a National Park in the area, a guide showed me said snake, sitting on a branch only a few yards from the park entrance, I stayed as far away as I could & tried very hard to keep my heart rate down as to not panic & cause the snake to feel threatened & then strike at me. (especially learning the venom can kill a human in less than an hour, and they don’t keep on site because of malpractice worries….what?)
- Fear: Flying. Solution. I have done EFT also known as Emotional Freedom Technique & no longer have a paralyzing fear of flying. Which is great, since I LOVE to travel!
- Fear: Spiders. In my room, in my bed, coming in during the night……..and here is where the change/challenge happens…sorta….
After 2 days of more rain than I’ve ever seen in my life (& I live in Michigan, the cloudiest/most dreary and up there in rain per year states)….. I opted out of going to dinner….and stayed in my room for the night as there literally was nothing else to do. No where to go for a cocktail, or listen to music…. nothing. I was starting to have a whole lot of feelings about this “retreat”…. and went to bed exceedingly early, only to wake up in the middle of the night and ventured to my bathroom…..turned on the light and the BIGGEST SPIDER I HAD EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE WAS HANGING OUT IN THE BATHROOM……ON THE FLOOR…. AND THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE AROUND!
Already feeling pretty darn broken and discouraged from what was to be a peaceful, enlightening experience….I went into full on panic mode. Screaming. Holy S—! What the F___? OMG!!!!
Running into the other room, I reached out for support, texted and called……from afar as I knew no one where I was….
(& I didn’t have a panic number or person, and little note of advice to the retreat owners…that might be a nice added detail since there are literally very dangerous animals both small and large all around their 20+ acres! )
I ran to the room next door pounding on the door, but apparently the man & woman in the very small adjacent room with only a sliding glass door couldn’t hear me….really?
I talked to my dog friend who had adopted me when I arrived and slept outside my room every night….he just looked on sadly…oh wait that was his resting face just like Layla the Wonderdog back home….
I prayed…and got my rosary…. and yes, that comes into play later….
I contemplated sleeping outside but the mosquitos had already ravaged my entire body and the little bats, although oh so cute sleeping outside my door as well, were a little creepier in the pitch black of night…..
And then…in a message from home-land support, I read the words, you have to kill it.
I admit. I was at first pissed. I so wanted someone else to do what I was terrified to do. I wanted someone to come in and rescue me. I wanted the stupid thing to just get out of my freaking room! But….I knew the words were right. I had to kill it. There was no way I could sleep with it in my room. There was no way to seal it in the bathroom. There was no one else around to end this battle other than me.
I can say now, I have never been so scared in my entire life!
I plotted to throw a towel on top of it and throw shoes on it thinking that would crush said spider. Rookie move. It came out PISSED and at me!
I ran out of room again, gathering my backpack & put whatever I could to add weight to it….climbed up to the top of the vanity (& it was really tall, are there giants who attend this retreat center?) & threw a towel on to catch spider, and then threw my backpack directly on top of the spider. Certainly it was dead. Right? NOPE!!!!! Now…it charged out of the bathroom into the main living space…where I should be sleeping! Screaming…. I was panicked………full on fear surfaced!
And then…. calm…… I saw a sliding glass door, and a spider that was aggressive but seemed also wanting to get out of the place….so I shoved a desk at him/her (how can you tell?)…. threw a towel….threw my jacked and then he finally quickly exited my room onto the patio where my friendly protector dog was sleeping!!! What?
I pushed him off the ledge with my towel, and prayed he didn’t somehow attach him/herself to it.
OMG. Seriously….. that is the abridged version…..but I didn’t have to kills the spider (which I really didn’t want to do, I understand it’s role in the rain forrest) but didn’t want to co-habitate with it either. It was gone……
What I learned:
- Getting mad at the retreat owner for all the things that did and didn’t happen do not bring me any closer to what was seeking me
- Sloths are amazingly beautiful, majestic creatures. And I got to see them every single day. It was awesome. But being with them….I realized, I already have peace in my heart & that is what they symbolize…so that they were not the answer to what was seeking me.
- That FREAKING SPIDER. UGH. He/She was the answer. What I really need/ed is COURAGE. For so many things in my life, and he/she showed me that I do have that in me. What I really was seeking was courage, and what I found, was courage is already seeking me…..
Stupid spider.
I love Costa Rica. It is so beautiful and the people overall are so kind. In my processing, I have realized I am no longer capable of “roughing it” and need a really nice place to sleep a night. I’m cool with that. And I really do find peace in nature, more than anywhere else in my life (sorry all my Catholic family and friends, it’s true…but I do believe God created all of it, so I think He’s good with my finding peace in His creation.)
Oh, the rosary!!!!!
So….. in my hand, while I was throwing and screaming and jumping around in my room, was my rosary given to me by Mother Angelica, from my time doing missionary work with Side By Side Lay Volunteers…and my scapular that I got when I was making my confirmation (I think?)….same rosary that was with me, and I believe played a role in my safely exiting a role over accident several years back with limited injury.
Weird?
Trauma is still pretty fresh, but I am so thankful I have been able to see….truly see...what I was to learn from this experience. Courage. Courage is seeking me.
Winter in Michigan never looked so relaxing….
Until next time Costa Rica….until next time…. but in a nice house on top a hill again (first visit) or nice hotel on the beach….
Absolutely!
wishing you peace in your journey..and courage to allow whatever needs to come up, to surface.
Peace….
peaceinthejourney 