Getting to “shouldn’t.” A runners story of finding peace…. in the journey…..

Last year at this time I was training for the Berlin Marathon.  I felt like I was managing my chronic pain issue (piriformis syndrome) & on target to run my first “world major.” I finished….but was in excruciating pain, and exceedingly slow.

Shortly after, I vowed I would never run another marathon.  I liked the ring of “5” done.  I dropped down to running half marathons, after all, that seemed much more manageable.

Last week I was told I cannot run at all.  Nothing.  Not even a 5k. Gasp.  At least for now….. The conversation at my new Chiropractors’s office (where I’m receiving Active Release, Dry Needling and some sort of ultrasound wave therapy treatment thing) went like this….

“So…..I have this half marathon next month….” to which she responded “Um, no you don’t.” And I said “Um, yes I do….” and she said “Um, no you don’t.”

She proceeded to talk rationally (can you imagine?) about the repeated damage I’m doing by running through my injury, and for the first time in nearly 7 years….

Wait….let that sink in….7 years I’ve run through 4 full marathons and probably 10-12 half marathons and various other distance races…..in pain! And not the kind of pain you get at like mile 23 (EVERYONE gets something there)…NO! the kind of pain that, for instance, in Berlin started within the first mile……THE.  FIRST.  MILE.  I’m stubborn.  And I know, like so many humans, we are capable of enduring great pains, struggles, and heartache.

It never occurred to me that in asking my body to endure the pain, I was in essence creating more pain which has now left me with not only piriformis syndrome, but basically messed up my right knee, hip flexor, and hamstring.  What?  It never occurred to me that my adopting this “I need to suck it up and endure the pain”, I was actually creating more pain and weakness within my body.

So how do we sift through our experiences in life and the emotions that surface to best determine when we “shouldn’t” do something, even if we “can?” 

I can run another marathon, I have proven repeatedly (unfortunately) I can run through pain.  But should I? Would it be better for me/my body to consider a half marathon?  A 10K? Or running just for fun? Is it all or nothing?  I do not know…..As the doctor told me, I am following her therapy plan and taking time off from running in “hopes” that I’ll be running again.  Right now, I am trying to be at peace with the today….and this part of the journey.

In clinical practice, this translates to the following examples.

• “Sarah” could continue to drink….but at the expense of her health, her job, her relationships, her overall wellbeing. So “should” she?
• “Hope” could stay in her marriage, but at the risk of continuing to endure abuse (or worse) and continuing to provide the example of a very dysfunctional/abusive coupled relationship for her child. So “should” she?

At some point, we need to listen to our bodies, or instincts, or our inner guide and decide if what we are doing is guiding us to something better, or if continuing to stay with something just because we “can” is leading us towards further harm and injury. While the above are extreme examples, sometimes the most difficult decisions are the ones we desperately don’t want to make.  The all or nothing.

Human beings are capable of enduring amazingly difficult experiences in life: childbirth, grief, medically necessary treatment….. but the stark difference surfaces when we are enduring because we don’t know another way vs. there isn’t another way.  

Now….. the “way” that has presented to me currently is doing anything I want, except running.   For now.  My challenge is to decide if I want to continue to just endure and gut it out and suffer through the pain, or find peace in believing there is perhaps a better way?

“Sarah”….. the “way” that has been presented to her is to attend AA regularly, and abstain from drinking.  Her challenge is to decide if she would want to continue to put her life at risk for the momentary escape that alcohol offers, or to find peace in believing therapy, and AA and sobriety offer a better way?

“Hope”….the way that has been presented to her is to make the very difficult decision to leave an abusive relationship.  Her challenge is to decide if she wants to stay married in hopes her husband who has shown no signs of changing and risk further abuse or possible death, or find peace in knowing choosing to leave quite often is a better way.  No question.  

Today….I walk with frustration.  I do prescribed exercises with incredible discomfort.  I bike with ambivalence.  And I practice yoga with patience and gratitude.  They are not my end point.  Nor is running, surprisingly.  Peace…..peace is my end point in my journey…..and in finding peace, and being ok with the sweet ambivalence of life, there I will find healing and grace…….(and oh how I hope that space includes running…..)

Being BRAVE means deciding when you shouldn’t, and when you should.  And never ever confusing the two.

Peace…..

My weakness is my strength………

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” Ernest Hemingway

Each day we are given a choice, not in what happens to us (sorry), rather how we will react to what happens. A choice.

Nearing the end of a my morning yoga session, we are directed to pigeon prep, preparing for pigeon pose.  What is “pigeon” pose?

For someone who is living with chronic piriformis syndrome pain, pigeon pose is a love/hate relationship.  “Love” because I believe it is helping to stretch the muscle and help to release the pressure that the muscle is sending to my sciatic nerve (eventually)…..”Hate” because it is painful.  Horribly awfully painful.  As one of my favorite and trusted teachers leaned over me to gently push me further into the pose, tears streamed down my face as I was both conscious of the pain that accompanies this pose and continuing the meditative state that allows me to hold the pose, even with the pain.  That was my choice.  I couldn’t choose whether it was painful, but I could choose my reaction to it and whether or not I was going to stay in the pose.

When I tell people I understand your pain, your frustration, your hopelessness, I really mean I understand! I live with pain, daily.  There are days sitting is difficult, there are nights sleeping is almost impossible.  There are days I think I’d rather sit on the sidelines (or couch)…..if that didn’t actually cause me to be in pain.

The pain is my weakness…..but it’s also my strength.

In the moment of our greatest weakness, it is our mind that takes over to help find the strength to move forward.  Mind and body, working together.  Mind strong when my body feels weak.  While we may not have control over the pain (literally or figuratively) in our life, we do have control how we react to it.

Although I hold out hope for one day finding a “cure” that would allow me to live pain-free, for now, I welcome yoga and running and biking and walking as ways to keep my body active and meditation and prayer as a way to keep my mind strong.  I control what I can (my strength) and what I can’t, I let go.  My weakness (pain) has made me realize I am much stronger than I ever thought I was capable of being.  The formerly weak image of myself who could barely run a city block “healthy” is the same person who ran the Berlin Marathon last fall, in pain.  If our mind can conceive it, we can achieve it.

So what’s your greatest weakness?  How can you use the power of your mind to transform your thoughts on your weakness & turn it into your greatest strength?

One final quote, from an interesting source……

Peace……..

It’s Me?

A little delayed but the post-marathon funk has arrived.

I thought for sure I’d avoid this one as I’ve told myself I’m making the decision to have my 5th marathon be my last.  After all, it was BERLIN!  Kinda hard to top that one, right?  But the funny thing is, it doesn’t “feel” like my choice and thus, the  “post marathon funk” has firmly taken hold and I’m trying to figure out what the next step is for me. Continued thought of who am I if I am not a marathon runner training for another marathon?

Little history, not only was I NOT an athlete growing up, other than my short stint as a cheerleader and wanna-be-tennis player, but I firmly held on to the belief that I wasn’t good enough to be an athlete.  I held tight to that belief in my early 20’s, and into my early 30’s.  I would randomly go to the gym, only for the reason of wanting to lose a few pounds probably avoiding a few nights at the bar would’ve more easily enabled me to do.  But….at some point, somewhere in the midst of my 30’s, I had this idea that I wanted to start running….. But this is what was in my head at first…..




All along, it was ME who was my worst enemy.  Yes. True!  While the negative messages that had been directed towards me through the years were still imbedded in my brain, it was ME who was choosing to accept those messages as truth.  I allowed them to become part of who I was, am.

All messages we are given when we are younger we carry with us into adulthood.  Positive and Negative. The negative ones, however, seem to reek havoc far beyond the original point of “hearing” and get stuck somewhere in the crevices of our brain.  It is the negative messages, often, preventing us from living the life we are truly meant to lead.

So was learning I am an athlete really all that important in the grand scheme of life.  Well, yes!

Pushing myself through training for my first half marathon, then first full marathon was a lesson of silencing the inner voice that told me I wasn’t fast enough, strong enough, or determined enough to run and finish a race.

Pushing myself through subsequent races (including my 5th full this fall), when I’m injured and in pain, showed me much more about the person I am; the strong, tenacious, determined & stubborn (oh, wait, I’ve LONG known I was this.  I’m Polish/German/Czech and a Taurus…what did anyone expect?) than any experiences that perhaps were easier for me.  I learned I have a great ability to SILENCE the inner voice that tells me I can’t do something.  Necessary for running a full marathon when you have a piriformis syndrome in your right leg and pulled a calf muscle 8 days before the marathon in your left leg.  Handy. I did it!

Overcoming struggles, hardships, and most importantly the inner demons or negative messages that float around in all of our heads is much more a testament to our individual ability to persevere and choose to be happy and peaceful and joyful than any sort of amazing gift.  Trust me, nothing is further from the truth for me…rather confirmation that we truly can SILENCE the inner voice in our head that tells us we aren’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough or …..enough………

So it is ME.  Who chooses to be happy, or not…..

I wish I had a clearer vision of where my journey is leading me.  If I am not a marathon runner training for another marathon, then who am I?  Maybe the lessons marathon running has taught me has started to prepare me for the next journey?  Is there a competitive yoga contest somewhere?

No matter where I go, no matter what I do, I am grateful I learned if I want peace, if I want happiness….. it’s truly up to ME.  Empowering!

A new fave quote…

“You couldn’t relive your life, skipping the awful parts, without losing what made it worthwhile.  You had to accept it as a whole- like the world, or the person you loved.” Stewart O’Nan

Peace…..

6 hours & 18 minutes. Pain & Determination. & Peace. What?

Have you ever trained for something, planned for something, and been through something before (4 times before, to be exact)….but still find yourself shocked when all the training, planning and previous experience does little to help you when you’re actually in the experience?

I trained for months for Berlin’s marathon.  I planned out my pace and my food/beverage intake for the race and what I was going to wear (yes, my “girlie-ness” wins over every time when I’m in races), and thought I had done whatever I could to “run” (purposely in quotes) a good race.

Nothing went as I had hoped.

I’m a slow marathon runner at best, but quickly into the race my left calf that I had hurt in a separate race a week prior had pain shooting down towards my foot.  In my head I thought, this isn’t good but I came all this way, I needed to gut it out.  I walked/ran for 13 miles until I could no longer run one more step….. and so there I was WALKING for an additional 13 miles.

I remember seeing a shirt or a sign one time that had the following on it…..

Finishing dead last is better than

DNF (did not finish) is better than

Never started…..

Unless you are an elite runner, whom I’ve learned often do pull out of a race if it isn’t “their day”…..I would think most of the rest of us who run marathons would concur with the above statement.  But when you are dealing with pain, and in my case chronic and severe, there needs to be something that goes on more in your mind than in your body to help you finish.

When the body wants to quit….the mind continues to push you towards finish…..

By focusing on the pain, it gives it all the control and takes out of consideration the great strength we as humans have to overcome pain for a greater outcome.  Take childbirth, many of us went through it, often without drugs, and were able to focus/meditate/power through or whatever we call it knowing we would have a child at the end to make all the suffering worth our while?  While admittedly not every form of pain/suffering results in something as awe-inspiring and perfect as a baby, and really how could anything measure up to that experience, but if we look closely enough at any of our painful situations in life, there is the ability for a greater outcome or growth or joy at the end.  But are we looking?  

A good friend of mine stayed with me for a good portion of the race, talking to me when I could barely muster a “uh-hun”, ran/walked helplessly aside me and I’m sure struggled on some level to watch me cry as the pain got worse.  My friend would’ve stayed by my side until the end had I not asked my friend to go ahead and run the race and I’d see my friend at the end…..had I not gone through what I did that day, perhaps I would’ve missed the lesson of the beauty of friendship and the compassion of the human spirit?  ABSOLUTELY YES, I would’ve rather not had pain, I would’ve rather run a PR (personal record) that day, and would’ve rather not ended my race with what I like to refer to as the “infirmed” group of runners….but that wasn’t how my day was to be?  So i can sit and stew about it until the end of time, or celebrate my determination, and the beauty in the lessons I learned that day.

• Pain, all pain, is temporary.
• Humans have a great capacity to tolerate and overcome pain.
• Asking for help, does not make us weak, it makes us human.
• Although we don’t always get what we want in life, most of the time we do get what we need, when we are brave enough to ask for it.
• Marathon running is not for the weak.  Whether you finish in just over 2 hours and 2 minutes like the “winner” that day (and new world record holder), or the very last person who was somewhere behind me that day (shocking, I know that someone was slower than me!)…..we all covered 26.2 miles and that is pretty darn amazing.

“A dream doesn’t become reality through magic, it takes sweat, determination and hard work.” Colin Powell.  

Love that quote.  My dream was to run a “major” ….(Boston, Berlin, London, Chicago, New York and now somehow Tokyo has been added to the list?), and I have now done that having Berlin be my 5th and final marathon.  It is really hard to write those words, “5th and final marathon”, as in a sense it’s an end of an era and if I am not “currently” a marathon runner, then what am I?  I guess that is what I am to find out now, in my next chapter…one that realizes I don’t have to suffer in pain to prove I can run a marathon anymore.  And with that realization, the greatest sense of peace has started to come over me and I find that the greatest lesson and gift of all from the pain I endured in Berlin.  So grateful for pain? In this case truly I can say, yes…I am.

Peace….

Berlin Marathon….more than just a race

I’m getting ready to run the BERLIN MARATHON!  BERLIN MARATHON, like in GERMANY!

I’m not sure why I haven’t written much about my running lately, or more specifically about running the marathon in Berlin.

I’m in Europe- having already visited Poland (what I like to refer to as the “Motherland”) and now in Berlin, awaiting the marathon that will be occurring in 2 days.

Berlin.  And here for the Marathon.  It is pretty darn amazing! There are over 40,000 runners from nations all over the world. 40,000!  I’ve seen pictures from the previous races and it’s a SEA of people.  If you have never been in a marathon, I can’t even begin to explain the excitement, the nerves, and anticipation that accompanies the beginning of a race.

Here’s my attempt…..From the day before the race meal preparation/routines, and laying out of the clothes for the race, and the early bed and even earlier awakening the day of the race, the quiet race day routines….the specific breakfast foods- even though you are not hungry or even awake- and several trips to the bathroom.  YES!  This is something every marathon runner is keenly aware of for race day.  And very happy to discuss with other runners.  Other than my days of working with cancer survivors, I have found no other place where it was completely socially acceptable to discuss bodily functions as I do with marathon runners.  It’s a fact of running, and specially a fact of marathon running!  Awesome, eh?  That and losing toe nails, which also makes my sport lovely, right?

But there is nothing like that moment when you are standing in your coral, and waiting for the anthem of the country you are in to begin, wondering what the race will be like this time.  I say this time, for those of us who are crazy enough perhaps to run more than one, because no race is EXACTLY the same.  We can do so many things to get ready, and be as safe and cautious and routine as possible and then…out of no where….something it tweaked and BAM!  You’re in trouble!

So for several years, I’ve mentioned a time or two that I have a chronic pain condition called piriformis syndrome, causing sciatic nerve like pain down my leg.  Chronic as in I have learned to manage it but it isn’t “curable” per say.  But this past season, I have been managing it quite well with yoga and acupuncture and really listening to my body so that I can run long distances.  I have been able to run long runs with very little discomfort and feeling ready for my race and then…….

One week + a day before the race, and 2 days before we are set to leave for our much anticipated trip….I am a member of a 62 mile relay race called “Dances with Dirt”, and yes, that is very descriptive.  Mud, trails, swamps…you name it and this girly girl loves every moment of it.  This year….I run one of my 3 legs, through the forrest….I”m good.  Up/down switchback terrain.  I’m good.  Through a disgusting oh my gosh where did this swamp come from and I have to do what?  Swim through it?  Yep…I did it. I”m good.  (It was really awful) and then I am running through the ONLY part of the leg that is flat, and wide and without any sticks or logs or poison ivy and BAM!!!!! I step down wrong on my leg and shooting pain goes up my calf.  My calf muscle?  Really?  What the heck?  I’ve never had that before and I literally could not even walk.  My leg swelled up 2x the size, I was limping, and by the end of the day I not only couldn’t help my teammates to finish the race, but I couldn’t even walk.  I was in tears……

So all week, I’ve had this pain in my leg reminding me of the fragility of running…and the fragility of our bodies and health.  Nothing is guaranteed in life, and for the days I can run pain free….I”m so grateful.  For the days I can run with limited pain, I”m grateful.  For the days I can run through my pain, I”m grateful.  And sometimes…that’s all we can ask….for the strength to get through what we need, and sometimes WANT in our life.

Today…and in 2 Days, It’s to finish my first World Major, and my 5th marathon.  Tomorrow, it may be something totally different…but isn’t that the beauty of life, to always have something worth striving to achieve?

“Strength does not come from winning.  Your struggles develop your strengths.  When you go through hardships and decide NOT to surrender, that is strength.” Arnold Schwarzenegger.  

I am STRONG.  And find peace in my strength.

Wish me luck!  I”ll be the girl near the back!  Someone’s gotta be!

Peace…….

Another marathon, what? Berlin bound…… (soon)

Ever commit to something and wonder, am I really doing this?  Or more specifically for me, am I really doing this, again? And why am I doing this? 

7 weeks from today is the Berlin marathon.  

Exactly 2 minutes after I finished Marine Corps last year, I said the following to my husband “I am never running another marathon again…” That probably isn’t the best time to make a decision like that, I admit…

We arrived home, and within days, the “lottery” I entered to get into Berlin came through and SURPRISE! I got in! And well, I couldn’t say no.  

So….there are 5 world majors. Boston.  London.  Chicago.  New York.  and Berlin.  Ok, now there is Tokyo but apparently it’s because in Japan marathon runners are uber cool….which is sorta funny to me because my very close circle of friends are convinced we are among a very small minority who actually follows marathon runners/races.  So….saying “no” to Berlin, well, there was just no way that was happening. 

Preparing for my 5th full marathon, the fears and anxieties that I once had before a race are much more manageable.  I am no longer concerned that I will not finish, unless of course my piriformis syndrome (that I manage with yoga, acupuncture and my sheer stubborn will) acts up…I am pretty certain my mind will get me to the finish line when my body wants to stop.  However, I am no longer concerned that I will not finish.  Rather, I now deal with the mental part of “why do I run marathons”….entering my mind more than I can even report. Youtube search “I’m a marathon runner, I am injured” for another look at the funny video I included in past…..my friends and I laugh every time we think about it. 

So here is my latest list of “why I run”….in no apparent order and by no means complete…..because on some level, everything I do in my life has to make so sort of sense or I try to eliminate it, which I have been doing on a somewhat regular basis lately….beauty of being in 40s….realize you don’t “have to” do a lot of things in life we just do….

I run for….

• Ability to travel to a new place to hang with family and friends.  
• Cool bragging medals to hang in my room. Yes…they hang in our bedroom.  Don’t judge.  A cross and other sorta art type things do too….
• All the people I’ve known from my cancer work…either who can’t because of treatment/diagnosis, or those who are no longer here.  Too long to list….but I carry them all in my heart…… 
• For those I’ve inspired to run.  I am convinced there is a reason I’m consistently slow.  I’m consistent, right?  That’s good…but perhaps I can be motivation to others in my journey, and I’m totally cool with that purpose.  Totally. 
• Hanging with my girlfriends and having a free therapy session. Shh…there was discussion today ….thinking they should all chip in and pay me my rate for therapy.  I didn’t have the heart to tell them my rates just went up, perhaps they’d reconsider that kind offer? 🙂 
• Peace…………………. few things calm my mind quite like running.  Yoga.  Prayer. Writing.  and Running.  I do them all. 
• Forward motion.  Some runs are great.  Some are awful.  Most fall between there somewhere.  Each is fantastic because it gets me closer to wherever I am going in life.  I haven’t figured it out yet, but isn’t it awesome? 
• Fun new running shirts.  Some are hideous.  Some are cool.  
• Example/role model for my kids (and others).  We don’t always win races (Ok, I’ve never won!) but sometimes the important lesson is more about showing up and finishing.  I want my kids to learn this lesson.  
• There are no short cuts or easy routes to finish a race.  Just like with life.  
• Running is fun.  Yes…..largely and categorically it is fun.  Why did I not do this sooner?

 

Love this quote…it’ll make me giggle when I’m feeling like I will..never…get…to….the…finish…line….

“Rivers know this:  There is no hurry.  We shall all get there some day.” A.A. Milne.  Winnie the Pooh.

Who knew Winnie the Pooh was so prophetic?

Peace…….and happy running…or walking…or riding…or…….find your bliss…… 

 

View from the back of the pack. A half marathon story…..

Have you ever attended a race and cheered runners/walkers on from the sidelines?

I’ve been on both sides.  A runner and a spectator.

As a runner, I’m sadly one of the mid-packers at best.  Depending on how disciplined I’ve been, and how cooperative my leg is being (more specifically, how much or how little my piriformis is acting up), I’m either a mid-pack runner, or one of the plodders near the back just trying desperately to finish and wondering often out loud why I decided to sign up for another race.

“Pain is inevitable.  Suffering is optional.” Haruki Murakami

I’ve also been to many races and cheered on other runners/walkers.  Whether cheering on my husband in a race, or riding our bikes around to see runners in a local run, I’m endlessly amazed at the courage and strength of all runners and walkers.  I am in awe at the seemingly effortless stride elite runners display, whether on mile 1 or mile 26.2 (I haven’t watched an ultra yet…)….their pace, their stride, their calm facial expression….all seems constant.  Impressive.  Yet….to me there is something equally yet differently amazing about those runners/walkers who are striving to be mid packers at best, and often times struggling to just. make. it. to. the. finish. line. 

This past weekend I ran Dexter to Ann Arbor half marathon as a training run for the Berlin marathon, scheduled this fall.  I was under trained, and not prepared to run the never-ending route of hills in 80 degree temps.  But the beauty, twisted as it might be, of running a race that drops you off at the finish…there is no other way to get to the finish line than to just. keep. swimming.  I mean running. 

So what’s it like running mid pack at best?  Good and Bad.

Spectators:  sometimes….are less than enthusiastic by the time the slower runners emerge from the depths of a course.  Advice….if you commit to go to a race, if you are able, stay the entire time.  As someone who has struggled to finish a race, believe me when I say your “You’re doing awesome” even when I don’t feel like it is oh so sweet a song.  Thank you to those who stay until the last courageous soul passes you on the course.  It may be his or her first/last race.  Make it awesome for him/her!

Stories: yes, when you are plodding along, there are often so many stories swapped.  The: How did you start running?  How long have you been in recovery?  What injury are you currently dealing with this season?  What’s your next race?  What’s the best medal?  Who is here to cheer you on today?  What time did you get up today?  Why do you keep signing up for races?   Who told you that you weren’t good enough?  I love it.  It’s a seamless transition for me from my work life (as a therapist) to my running life…I am endlessly curious about “the stories” of why people run, and more importantly, why they continue to run.  Perhaps if I was an elite, I’d never learn all of these stories on my run, for my focus may be different.  Don’t get me wrong, I’d love the opportunity to be an elite, or a front of the pack runner, or in corral A or B or somewhere above H….but I’m able to run…and above all else, I’m grateful.

View from the back: Shirts.  Quotes of motivation.  Bible passages.  Names of runners.  Reasons why he/she is running.  Costumes.  Runners dressed in full on military or this year firefighter gear.  Yes…that is where we are all hiding.  Many of us mid-packers at best are running for many reasons ‘beyond’ the race, and often times, when you’re in the back…you have many, many miles to read (on the back of runners shirts) the who/what/why people are running.

I leave with one last quote…

This is a thought to ponder that sums up why I run.  When I started running 9 years ago, I was an ocassional gym attendee at best.  I did my workouts on my own, and didn’t feel like I was particularly athletic.  Something, and I don’t know what clicked in me, and I decided to just start running.  A block.  A couple of blocks.  A couple of miles…and now marathons.  My childhood/teenage/young adult self would NEVER have believed that was possible.  Now….not only do I have a great group of friends I refer to as my “running friends” but each race I do, I meet new people who are often just like me…running to be a bit better person than we were the moment we started the race.  In the mid or back of the pack (and ok, front runners…”maybe” you have this too….I say with a smile)….

“The reason we race isn’t to beat each other, it’s to be with each other.” Christopher McDougall.

Peace…..

marathon runnner moonlighting as a yogi

“Have patience with everything that remains unresolved in your heart….Live in the question.” Rainer Maria Rilke

One of the best parts of running for me is the opportunity to be still in my thoughts and find my center.  To be grounded to the earth.  To spend time selfishly processing whatever leftover thoughts remain from the day that encompasses a mostly other-centered practice in family and work life.  I never regret the miles I do, and often regret the miles I don’t.  It isn’t regret for not getting the mileage in per say (much to the chagrin of my running partners who are engineers and want to make sure we go EXACTLY the mileage we are scheduled to go), rather I regret the time to just be still in thought even if my body is not.

So what am I doing spending so much time this month doing this thing called yoga?  I feel like I’m cheating on my beloved “running”….Shhh.  Don’t tell “running.”

I NEVER thought I’d like yoga as much as I do.  I have a hard time sitting still, hence running is good as it pushes me to be still in thought as my body is at work.  So I’m as shocked as anyone that yoga is offering me similar benefits in both mind and body even though in practice they are so different.

But are they really?

When I trained for my first half marathon, I drove the distance shortly after I had committed to do the race but hadn’t really started the training process.  13.1 miles is crazy long when you drive it in the car conscious that you will be running it.  Imagine my terror when I then committed to running a full marathon (and no, I didn’t purposely drive the distance that time….ha.  ) and thought about how long it would take me to cover the miles on foot.  I think it’s difficult for most people who are not runners and hear you are running a marathon to understand this:  completing the marathon, while an accomplishment, is only part of the story.  Preparing for a marathon takes countless hours and hundreds of miles of running getting ready to run the actual race.  It is the quiet moments alone with oneself, the stillness in thought, the perseverance that allows one to be ready to run the race.

Yoga, for me, is so different from my experience with running yet so similar.  Being able to accept the limitations of my body while pushing myself to do more than my mind really wants to be doing has been exceedingly challenging.  In a race, there is a clear mark of the “winners” and all the rest of us who come in “after the winners” of the race.  In yoga, it isn’t so clear.  For some, being able to do a headstand isn’t all that difficult so perhaps their practice isn’t as challenging as another who is just starting to get comfortable with inversions?  I’m learning…the challenge, the practice, the measure is much more an internal process but so similar to the mental journey that running has for so many runners.  Make sense?

Sometimes when I’m on the mat, listening to the prophetic words of the instructors, I find myself giggling.  Giggling.  I know, is that appropriate? I wonder sometimes if I should share with the instructors why I’m giggling.  It’s almost as if some of them have been with me on my runs, yes, training for my marathons as the words their about finding peace, finding your center, finding focus, discipline, service….all of these are not only thoughts that go through my head while I’m running….they are also words I write about in my blog and the thoughts I have as I meditate and pray.

So maybe “running” would be ok if he/she found out that I was moonlighting as a yogi?

Whatever our method or instrument to find that inner peace, maybe it’s not as important to how we get there, just as long as we continue on our path……

“Peace requires us to surrender our illusions of control.” Jack Kornfield. 

Letting go and practicing being in the moment…..for now, I’m enjoying yoga.  Of course, I do need to start getting out running soon as the Berlin Marathon is roughly 7 1/2 months away and I’m pretty certain I can’t “downward facing dog” my whole way through the 26.2 miles…..

Peace…..

peace…..and get it together man! (or woman)

My mind has been all over the place for the past few days, wondering my own path or direction in life and no sooner than I start down this convoluted path, I am reminded I am never alone….for God is right there by my side and guiding me when I feel lost. I have received several poignant reminders this week, and I’m grateful….

I try to embark this philosophy or spiritual belief on others, in my personal life (ESPECIALLY with my family) and with clients, without coming off as all-knowing or a holy roller because on both accounts I am not!  Not even close.  But when I think of hardships or struggles in life, I think Oh MY Gosh, I am so happy I have faith because I’m not sure I could do it alone!  Believing there is some greater purpose in all of our hardships, sorrows, struggles, grief, and pain helps me to focus beyond myself and see the bigger picture.

I want to be a faster runner.  I not so secretly wish I was a Boston Qualifier/Finisher runner like my husband and my best friend, but sadly I am not.  Does that make me stop running and give up my dream all together “just because I am not a Boston Qualifier/Finisher” runner, yet?  NO way!  Looking at the purpose in all that happens to us in life supports my belief that perhaps there is a greater reason and lesson for me to understand or learn in being a mid packer at best?

This past week I received a very kind email from a reader of my blog, whom I’ve never met, saying “you told my story” in essence in reference to my struggle in the last marathon.  While my heart sank to know another struggles with pain and wanting to do better in something he/she loves, I am proud that my disclosure of my own struggles helps another to know he/she is not alone.

One of my favorite quotes, perhaps I’ve written before, reads “nothing great is ever achieved without much enduring”.…. the motto from my sorority days….Go Theta Phi Alpha at University of Dayton…At the time I didn’t understand the meaning behind those words like to do today (many, many years later…sigh….) Nothing great, nothing that matters really in our life, comes without word.  Period.  How I wish that I had a magic wand to make things all better for others, or how I wish that life was just easy…but it isn’t.  And no matter how much I want it to be that way, simply wanting it to be different from it is does nothing to change that reality.  Nothing.

When I look at my kids and they’re struggling in school to get the grades they want to have…I want them to remember those words.

When I look at my kids and they’re upset because something they want in life isn’t coming easy….I want them to remember those words.

When I look at my kids and there is a problem I cannot fix because they’ve growing up too gosh darn quickly…..I want them to remember those words….

It isn’t what happens in life that matters as much as how we choose to respond to it.

Today is the only time you get to experience today…what are you going to do with it?

Peace and Go out and live the life you’ve been dreaming of and Never, ever let anything stand in the way of your dreams.