If 2020 was a tree…..

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There’s more than JUST hand washing & social distancing. Tips for taking care of your emotional health during Pandemic.

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Peace & love to all of you now & in future!

When Jealousy Joins Me at the Gym

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Wishing you peace in your journey..wherever it may be taking you today.

 

Come follow me….to new blog site!

New site and new blog post are in new format.  Hope you will consider following to this new/fresh/fancier version.  Same content, same vulnerable discussion on navigating this thing called life.

Peace in the Journey

Hoping this can be more interactive, thought-provoking & intentional space.  There is a tab “subscribe” that will allow you to stay up to date on this post dedicated to finding a peace in your life, in your family, in our communities and in the world!

Thank you in advance for your support.  I write as a tool to help me process my own emotions in an effort to help normalize for others, and hopefully to give you the strength and courage to do so as well.

So…. see you on the other side! Ok, not that dramatic!

Peace……

 

New Site! Up & Running! (literally and figuratively)

It’s finally here! My new blog site is finally out of initial construction phase and ready to start sharing.  While all my old posts aren’t transferred over to the new site, I am interested to hear feedback from readers as to the style, flow, and content of this new site as I continue to strive to find effective ways to communicate with a growing audience.

Please subscribe (lower left page on blog site) to Peace in the Journey to stay up to date on future writings.  I appreciate all of you who have inspired me, encouraged me, and helped me to find my inner strength and courage to continue on my own journey, finding peace.

Peace, Michelle

“Pain is the price for loving.” An open letter to those who are grieving

(My new-fancier version of my blog is in the works, but today was a profoundly sad day for my extended family, and the way I am able to make sense of life when it makes no sense is to…. write.  So here I am.)

I attended a funeral for my cousin’s 21-year-old son today.  I’ve been to so many funerals in my life. However, today was one of the most difficult, also one of the most beautiful.

Today was NOT the end.  I believe with every fiber of my body there is something beyond this life that we can’t even comprehend.  I feel incredibly blessed to have this faith, death is not the end.  There is a promise of eternal life, and one day a reunion of all those we’ve lost in this earthly existence. To those who do not share this belief, it may seem naive or simple, and while I haven’t been to wherever “beyond” is yet, I nonetheless believe.  And yes, days like today, it does bring me comfort in knowing my cousins will one day see their son again.  And this palpable pain, will one day be replaced with joy!

When I was the Program Director for our local cancer community, I used to think of one day being reunited with all those who I served and supported.  I’d think about getting through the pearly gates to be greeted by Professor Rick, Shannon, Rebecca, Mira, Judy, Robin and the countless others who were part of the community.  I would imagine seeing them, and understanding only then the “why” the pain in this life for loving is necessary.  Now? I have no idea, but in this daydreaming, I would imagine in that space finally understanding the “why.” For now, I do on some level understand it is part of the price we pay, for love.  That imagery was comforting, and allowed me to continue with a job that was at times, painful.  It continues to bring me some level of comfort as I have my own grief journey/s in life.

Hearing the words “Pain, is the price for loving” again today, I was brought back to that beautiful community.  Cancer had a way of leveling the playing field for everyone.  It didn’t matter if you had a $1,000,000 in the bank, or nothing.  Cancer didn’t care.  It didn’t matter if you were a size 0 or a size 20. Cancer didn’t care.  It didn’t if you were old or young, black or white, Christian or Jewish or Muslim or no religion at all.  Cancer didn’t care.  And so it brought me back today, to the message of “Pain, is the price for loving.” For in the community, we all supported each other knowing none of us really knew when it was anyone’s time to go to that next phase, Heaven, the great beyond, or whatever else is the next step…..None of us do.  But the Pain- of getting to know others, of loving others, that….was worth it!

My dear cousin’s son didn’t die from cancer, and he was really young and had a lifetime ahead of him to do really amazing things. I am certain, and I am sure his parents and sister and grandma and grandpa and aunts and uncles and cousins and friends and co-workers and fellow students knew it even more.  Why? We will never truly understand, in this life.  But as I looked at all of them today, the pure love they all shared for him, and each other was breathtaking.  They will get each other through the pain.  Their love, for him and for each other is the answer on this Earth, until we reunited one day “beyond” and truly understand the “why”……….

So, we are caught in this dilemma.  We need each other to live truly happy and joy-filled lives.  We truly need each other. Research studies found this to be true.  And yet, in doing so, in truly loving, this pain we are all feeling today, is the price that we pay.  There is no way around it, either you live your live alone as a “hermit” connecting with no one on this Earth, or you choose to engage with and LOVE and in doing so, we are always at risk for this eventual pain.

I so wish I had the answers as to why “bad things happen to good people”, don’t we all?  He was a good young man.  I mean, arguably a really good young man.  Making all the right decisions and doing all the right things.  But, if we believe, if we truly believe this life is not the end, then can we eventually find a way to have comfort in knowing the love we feel in our hearts is not in vain?

When I think of my own hurts in losing one’s I have loved, would I change it to spare myself of the pain?  NO WAY!  And I hope all of you who are reading today take this one message to heart……  LOVE MORE!  LOVE without limits.  And truly make time for family and friends and don’t wait to show each other your love.  And never ever regret loving anyone.

Ugh…I so wanted to having something truly eloquent to end with…but today I just don’t…..But hope my message will reach someone who needs to hear it most. When in doubt…..choose love.

Peace………

 

 

Generation “Z” brings hope for our world!

There is hope for our world.  There is hope for our world.  There is hope for our world.  

I witnessed this in action as I was present for our youngest son’s return from his second time at a Kairos (definition:  a propitious moment for decision or action ) Retreat.  Students at my son’s school typically attend (or are able to attend, some choose to not go) his/her junior year.  Last year he did, and then applied to be a Senior rector/leader.  This is a faith-based retreat, and yes, my son attends a Catholic school, but my post is not to convert anyone to Catholicism (sorry my fellow Catholic peeps) but rather to attest to the power of vulnerability.

At the end of the retreat, students are met in the school’s auditorium, in an emotional and triumphant coming home reception (that is mostly held as a surprise somehow to students year after year after year) by their parents and siblings.  One by one, many of the students and rectors/leaders and adult leaders step up to the podium and give a short (some not so short) reflection on what the time spent on the Kairos retreat meant to him/her.  While I WAS not surprised by many of the students reflections on it leading them closer to their relationship with God, what I was pleasantly surprised by was the recurring theme of …wait for it…..

V-U-L-N-E-R-A-B-I-L-I-T-Y!!!!!!

Being vulnerable.  Over and over and over again, no less than a dozen times (I stopped counting) students stood up, in front of their peers, their parents, faculty and staff…and professed the power of being vulnerable.  16, 17 & 18 year olds.  Boys and girls! Bravely stood up in front of everyone and discussed the power- the connection- the support that only shows up when we are BRAVE enough to be vulnerable.  Brene Brown would’ve been so proud!

For those of you old enough to have seen “Breakfast Club” or just hip enough to be a fan of the iconic 80s genre movies, think the scene when the group is sitting down in a circle (post smoking some illicit substance, hey…it happened in the movie!) and talking about why they were in detention.  Not the actual event that got each of them in detention, but the real, the raw, the “story” behind the detention…THAT is vulnerability! That is what we all witnessed last night.  It was teens at their absolute best!

I watch the news, although I try desperately to limit my exposure as it is predominately negative and awful and alarming.  However, one can’t help but be aware of the tragedy that feels like it is literally everywhere, from our current political landscape, to human trafficking, to outbreaks in once eradicated illnesses, to fires in Australia, to Global Warming to…..to…to…. It is all horrifying and scary and to some degree paralyses us in fear.

But last night…. in the eyes of these youthful- beautiful souls…I saw IT!  HOPE!  I saw hope and light in each of these young people.  

For many of us, as we age, we become complacent and stuck in our own ways.  We get stuck in our bubbles, and forget that we are ALL here to serve each other. We are ALL connected.  For those of us who have studied positive psychology, we know that human connection is necessary for peace and joy and happiness in one’s life.  Authentic human connection, and with that connection the ability to be vulnerable with others is a necessary component.

But not EVERYONE deserves to hear our story.  Not everyone has earned that right to hear our story.  So we practice, and we choose carefully.  Here are some thoughts for you as you practice this in your own life.  These kids got the power and importance of practicing this, you can too!

• Sometimes those we choose, betray us.  Don’t let their actions define your future actions.  We need others who love us JUST AS WE ARE.  And trust me, there are others who will, and who do.  You are ENOUGH exactly how you are, go find others who agree with me!
• Vulnerability is a two-way street.  The space needed for this practice takes effort on both the person sharing,  and the person/s holding that space.  Simply put, that is what you are doing…Holding the space.  The person does not need to hear how you have had it worse, or shame (God knows, none of us on this planet need more of that!), advice, or anything more than I hear you.  I got you.  And you…are loved.

I read this quote years ago…simply put “You are perfectly imperfect” and as I watched each of these Generation Z kids walk up to the podium, or embrace others who did, or cheer on those who were clearly stumbling on their words or crying…like the ugly tears we all try to hide in the dark…. I saw this in action and I was in tears.  We all were, I think (or those of us who weren’t glued to our phones, which sadly, yes…this happened even here, but that’s a story for another time…) and in those moments….. I felt….

H-O-P-E!!!!! 

 

Wishing you all peace in your day as your read this post, and the COURAGE to be VULNERABLE and the blessing to find someone who deserves to hear your story.  And hope you are comforted in knowing, even if you are feeling hopeless or uninspired, there is an amazing generation coming up that are ready, and CAPABLE of changing our world for good!

(IMPORTANT UPDATE!  I am in the process of converting my blog to a fancier/more spruced up version.  If you haven’t subscribed via email, please do so to follow and be added to the new site.  I will also be posting some reminders in the next few weeks as I make the transition. ) 

 

Don’t make New Year’s Resolutions this Way in 2020

 

New Year’s resolutions don’t work.  They don’t. Sure, there are some random people who magically “lose that weight” or “getting more financially savvy” in the New Year….but I’ve compiled a list of my “don’t do’s” for 2020.

• Set a weight goal.  You are more than your weight.  You are more than your weight. You are more than your weight.
• Set financial goals without talking with someone who perhaps is more financially savvy than you are.  Set goals with intention and purpose, from a space of forward movement vs guilt/shame that often get entangled with problematic financial spending and/or limited saving/planning.
• Gathering of more “things”.…..if you are reading this blog, you already have enough.  No more purses, or shoes, or gadgets, or cars, or…or…or…will bring you any more happiness than you already have.  You have enough.  You are enough.  Things…things will never bring you happiness.
• Set goals without intention/thought/purpose behind them.  For instance, if you are hell bent on losing weight, do it because your intent is to be healthy rather than fit into a bikini. (by the way, you can wear a bikini, right now, exactly how you are, exactly the weight that you are….with all your bumps and lumps and whatever.  You can rock that bikini no matter what your weight or size or whatever is……..)

Can you look at New Year’s in a new way?  Has the standard “This year I’m gonna (insert whatever shameful/guilt-ridden goal here)” worked?  Like EVER?! Are you among the very small percentage of people who actually stay with the gym membership beyond January?  Then awesome!  Keep that shit up!  But if you aren’t, may be it is time for a reset in how you look at this time of year.  Instead of “new year’s resolution” time, could you consider more productive/intentional language of a season that is a returning to light, beginning again, and a fresh start? With both grace and compassion for yourself, truly the only person you have control/responsibility for in this life.

Late last week, our family had to make the really difficult decision to re-home our family bird, Cammy, and the birdie friend we got to try to help our family bird stay in our home.  I was NEVER a bird person, in fact they absolutely scare me on some level.  However, my oldest son wanted one and after months and months he wore me down and we brought this lovely blue pacific parrotlet into our home.  She was never friendly, she never wanted to just hang out with the family, she bit everyone (mostly me, which seems weird since I’m a-vegetarian and b-biggest animal lover I Know! I was on her team!) and the last 6 months started over-preening.  Have you seen a bird who over-preens?  She had plucked out all her feathers on her torso and most of her wings, leaving her to look like a new born chicken.  And she seemed M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E.  And worse…..this same son who desperately wanted a bird, also seemed miserable as he was so worried about her and guilt ridden over not knowing how to “fix” her……..

We tried:

Consultations with Various vets.  Various experts in the field.  Spritzing her with water in case she was just itchy.  New food.  New supplements.  New toys.  No mirror (apparently it can make them even more obsessed with grooming).  Medicines.  Etc….and then…a new friend, named “Ken.”

Nothing.  Nothing. Nothing worked.

A few days prior, my son (who was the “adult” in this situation) saw what I was doing (and let me tell you, that is not a comfortable scenario to be called out on your behavior, or lack there of, by your young adult son.  Humbling….to say the least. ) and in an abrupt dose of reality pushed us to make this really tough decision, to let her go……….

We made the decision to take her to a beautiful birdie rescue, and return her birdie friend to the home we got him from only a few weeks ago. I cried hysterically at the dropping off of our little Cammy, knowing we would never see her little self again, and we would at best be a memory in her precious little birdie brain.  My son was the responsible, reasonable, intentional one, and I was acting purely on emotion.  He was right.  We needed to love her enough, to let her go…..

This process…… taught me this.  And thought I’d share for a different way to approach this new year, this new decade……Not with “resolutions” but with purpose and intention. Not out of emotion, but rather with clear desire to be the best version of self we can be.  And with that, do you need to look at what no longer serves you in your life, and let that shit go?

How often do we hold on to things, to jobs, to habits, to people….we know in our hearts we have outgrown, or are no longer good for us? Why are you/we holding on?  What are you afraid of happening if you simply let go? Let go of the struggle. Let go of the need to know the outcome.  Let go of needing to know what happens next.  What happens?  If you believe, as I wholeheartedly do, emotions are transient, can you just sit with emotions, breathe through them, draw on your own strength or will or stubbornness (ok, I own that one!) and know…. there will be sunshine again one day….There will be a better day.  There will be a better job.  There will be healthier and more productive habits if you allow them to take root.  And people….. if you open up your heart, there will be better people to have in your life who love you exactly as you are.  Flaws and all, if you allow the universe or God to support you, you will not be alone.

I have tried the resolution path.  I have tried the holding on and just hoping it changes path.  And please listen……carefully……..

IT DOESN’T FREAKING WORK!

We end up miserable and ugh.  Isn’t there enough misery in the world already?

My hope for you, in 2020, let go of believing you have to be something “other than” you are for someone else.  If you want to make changes- do it for YOU.  Not for others, not to win the love or admiration or ….of another.  But for you.  Trust it’s ok to let go of things, of habits, of people who no longer serve you & in the process…. you will see the Universe or God and/or YOU will see that in your heart, you already know the right path for your journey.  Holding on to what no longer serves only keeps us stuck, and that is a very lonely, futile space to exist.

Cammy and Ken will forever be in our hearts.  Our home is a much quieter/cleaner (birdies are MESSY) and in some ways “still” home.  We miss them. But loving someone enough to let them go….can be the greatest gift you give to another whose spiritual wings you may be unintentionally binding to you, a space that was never meant to be.

Here’s to the return to light. To new beginnings.  To intentional/mindful living.  And to the innate wisdom that exists if we sit still long enough to allow it to surface and fill our spiritual beings with light, with love and with hope.

Peace and Happy 2020.  #newyearsresolutionssuck

 

Keep “The Grinch” in check this holiday Season. Celebration tips for all!

If you are among those who believe Christmas is the most magical time of year you probably aren’t going to read this post anyway, but I so wish you would.  Perhaps more people would have increased compassion for those who don’t celebrate Christmas and find those of us who do slightly obnoxious and insensitive in our merriment.  May be more would understand how difficult the “holiday” season, regardless of which actual holiday you celebrate this “season”, can be if you have recently lost a loved one, are living with a physical illness, living with depression or another mental health diagnosis, or struggling to buy your family presents to put under the tree.  While sure, most of us, myself included, have extremely fond memories of Christmas, this is not the reality for all.

Every year, I start the holiday season hoping this year we, as humans, we will have less complicated relationships, less family drama, less heartaches and be be able to enjoy the “season” as the creators of said holidays intended.  Then I think, did they intend for them to be joyous or is that a social construct we have created along the way?  An unrealistic desire that is destined to fail from the onset?  Without fail, each November/December brings an onslaught of clients, old and new, discussing and looking for ways to be able to not only get through the holidays, but perhaps enjoy them.  Every.  Single.  Year.

I have written in the past about my somewhat idyllic recollection of holidays as a child.  Performing ridiculous holiday plays/pageants for our relatives.  Dressing up in my aunts childhood ballerina dresses.  Painfully slowly opening up presents in my grandparents basement, one by one by one, so that each family member could see what each person received from others…even though we All knew each adult female would get very similar items, each adult male would get the obligatory shirt/tie and each female and male grandchild would also have a similar gift in mind.  It was like clockwork, every single year.  But in its predictability, for all of us children, it was perfect and magical.   and it is not lost on me that my memories are that of a child.  

As an adult, with the protective veil of childhood innocence lifted, we start to recognize the family conflict, internal struggles & heartaches perhaps our parents protected us from seeing.  It is my hope that ALL children get to feel that joy of the holidays surrounded by loved ones, performing ridiculous plays or pageants for their adult relatives & friends, passing out in front of the fireplace exhausted from all the surgery treats.  If we are doing good job as adults, in my humble opinion, we DO keep the drama, the heartache, the sadness from our children, even if for a few days so

On paper, that seems counterintuitive, right?  We are all programmed to believe the holidays are AMAZING and GLORIOUS for everyone, and yet, if you have been on the planet long enough to look around, it is MORE typical that the holiday season bring stress and perhaps some disappointment than any other emotions.  Hopefully not entirely, but certainly it is a mixed bag of emotions and not at all what the Hallmark holiday movies would depict them to be.  Not all families are functional.  Not all people feel love.  Not all humans have a safe and loving home to go to for the holidays.  Not everyone is filled with whatever holiday spirit he/she may be brought up to celebrate.

Wow.  That’s a depressing start to a post, right?  But there ARE things we can do to help ourselves, and those around us if we look at the holidays thorough the lens of an adult, with the spirit of a child.

• Release what does not serve you anymore.  The “Christmas card” sending.  The holiday party you really want to skip.  The random obligatory gift exchange.  Ask yourself “why am I doing this?”  If your livelihood does not depend on you sending that card, attending the party, or doing the gift exchange and it brings more stress than joy…then why are you doing it?
• Schedule time for YOU.  Yes.  For YOU.  Are you exercising?  Are you meditating?  Are you getting a massage or your nails done or …the things that might seem indulgent or “unnecessary” this time of year but help you to FEEL your absolute best.  Then why…. this time of year ESPECIALLY …why are you NOT doing them?
• Invite those to your gatherings who might not have a place to go.  Do you have family/friends who are widowed? Divorced?  Without family/friends around? Estranged from family/friends? Another religion or faith background?  Look around you and SEEK those who need support.  Of all the things, opening my home to those who don’t have a table to plop themselves down in front of and be SERVED this time to year, it is the most rewarding and fulfilling.  I feel so blessed to have a home others feel comfortable to be themselves in and feel loved.
• If you can, shop ahead, wrap ahead, bake ahead, prepare…prepare…prepare.  Not with massive frenzied energy, but do things intentionally and set oneself up for success.  Early in my marriage, it drove my husband a little crazy that I needed lists, I needed plans, I needed to think about what I was serving for dinner weeks in advance so that my anxiety was kept in check.  Yes, it is not a mystery for those around me to SEE my anxiety if I don’t.  I have learned, and not those around me have as well, preparing and doing things intentionally, incrementally, is THE best way for me to keep my anxiety in check.
• Limit your drinking.  I know.  I know. This one won’t be popular for those who like to celebrate with a few holiday spirits. “How else do you expect me to engage with Uncle so & so who says that THING every year and makes me so angry?” I know.  We have all been there.  But alcohol is a depressant.  Despite how ‘lively’ one might feel after having a cocktail or two….afterwards…how do you feel? If you are over 40, for like 2 days after, how ya feeling?  That is what I want us ALL to avoid.  Avoid giving our power over to a substance that only slightly and temporarily makes things feel better.  Try a “mock-cocktail.” Something still bubbly and festive, but without the effects that will skew your ability to enjoy the marathon of a season that is “the holidays.” Or at a minimum, be conscious of how much you are drinking and alternate with water.
• Schedule down-time.  Watch the cheesie-holiday movies.  Walk in your neighborhood and really look at the decorations your neighbors have labored to install.  Read to your children, more.  Have the cocoa with mini marshmallows on a random Tuesday.  Look at old photos.  Practice gratitude.  Call that friend you’ve been meaning to re-connect with but are too busy in your day to day.  (which you are not, that is an excuse, we all have TIME…it’s about priorities but that’s another topic for another time….) Sleep.  Take a bath.  Read a good book for just YOU.  Show yourself compassion, so you can show compassion to the world.
• Volunteer.  Yes.  In small or big ways, make sure you GIVE of yourself this time of year.  Donate money, sure….especially this time of year it is needed by many.  But can you give more, meaning time?  Schedule time to go to your local soup kitchen or food bank.  Gather donations for your child’s school and give a family in need.  Our local hospital has an amazing and simple tradition of gathering each evening and shining our flashlights outside the hospital up to the children’s wing to symbolically “tuck them in at night.” Thousands of people EACH night in December gather to sing songs (not that the children can hear, since we are outside) and shine flashlights up towards them as they shine theirs back towards us.  It seems simple, silly even, but each year I leave with tears….both in thanksgiving my children are healthy and with me as I am doing this, but also that we as a community are supporting in a very very simple way those who aren’t as fortunate this time of year.
• Focus on the why.  Why are your buying this “thing.” Why are running yourself ragged?  Why are you overextending in money and time?  Why? Why? Why?  We are enough, just as we are.  You do not have to buy another person’s love. You do not have to show up at every single event if your body and spirit are telling you rest is really what you need.  You do not have to do anything that feel inauthentic or obligatory just ‘because.’  You.  Are enough.
• Reach out to those who might be hurting.  Be the friend or family member who goes the extra mile to reach out to your friend who might be struggling. Yes, holiday can be magical and glorious, but not for all.   For some, it’s a reminder of the loneliness he/she feels all year long, only amplified with the ‘holiday season’ expectations.  You can make a difference in the life of another by just ‘showing up’ and demonstrating to the other, he/she is not alone.  Whatever your faith, isn’t that a foundational element for all humans, to support one another, otherwise what’s the point?  You can make a difference in the life of another…just by holding space and showing up.

In re-reading my list, I recognize the mixed bag of recommendations for those who are and those who are not in the holiday spirit. Truly, that is the point.  We are all in this thing called “life” together, and if you are among the “holly jolly- this is the best season even” camp- awesome!  But know, you may one day be in the “omg, make this holiday season go away!” camp and knowing that others have you when you feel like you are falling apart, is the absolute best gift and in my humble opinion, truly the reason for the season……

Peace and Happy Holidays…. however you may celebrate. However you show up.  You….are enough.

 

Embracing the Change in Holiday Traditions

My childhood Thanksgivings were filled with tradition, most of which revolved around the patriarch and matriarch of our family, my grandparents.  While the food spread looked similar to the above, the setting was far less fancy.

My grandparents lived in a modest bi-level house, surrounded by old apple trees. The house was, as any Polish family can relate, eclectic & functional, and filled with family treasures.  None worth significant money, but priceless nonetheless.  The wedge wood blue dishes.  The chicken (?) cookie jar.  The mix of glasses and dinnerware. The red corduroy hide-away sofa of death (another story for another time).  It felt like HOME.

15 of us would gather together every Thanksgiving….and I kid you not this is my best attempt at offering you a glimpse of the grandeur that was our “Polish family Thanksgiving.”

A large covered table that one might otherwise call a pool table, as 364 days a year, it was indeed a pool table, is where our family would gather.  (Despite the fact that I have no memory of anyone ever playing pool.) Mixed-matched chairs, especially the rolling “pleather” office chair, was THE coveted chair for the grandkids.  The token “kids” table- current memory is an additional table for the 4 grand-girls.  I will try to not read into that anymore than I already am…..An old rotary phone that sat on a desk for no apparent reason than to amuse us as it no longer worked….And….did I mention this was the “unfinished” part of the basement?  Certainly having it on the other side would make more sense, but having the food elegantly displayed on the washer/dryer that had a sheet on it as a “table cloth” & old clothes hanging on one side of the room and a bed on the other…you know, in case someone needed a nap mid dinner? Just added to the warmth and chaos that was our family Thanksgiving.

Nothing was fancy.  Nothing was proper.  Nothing was high-class.  Yet….it was perfect!

The grandkids created elaborate plays for the grownups to suffer through, I mean enjoy.  Old ballerina outfits and old clothes were our formal costume department.  We were tight.  We were inner-connected and it felt like LOVE.

As we have grown, most of us have our own children and extended families and that tradition has long gone.  But the memories, remain.  If I close my eyes, I can feel myself there.

All week in my clinical practice, the Thanksgiving and the holidays has shown up for clients.  Who isn’t talking to whom.  Who said or did this or that.  Who never offers to bring a dish to pass.  Politics.  Drunk Uncle or Aunt so & so.  And the loss…of family members or friends along the way.  From death or from estrangement, adjusting to a new normal and being able to see it as a growth opportunity can be the key to embracing/celebrating the holidays versus dreading them.

Had our original family tradition continued exactly as it was, unchanged, would we miss out of the flexibility of being able to celebrate another day– more fully- more present?   Yes.  Now, that same Polish family with the addition of spouses and children, gathers the Saturday before Christmas.  In honor of our grandparents, without any other engagements, we are all together.  Life is always changing, but the memories and the love shared is so powerful that time and space cannot destroy them.  While our ballerina outfits have now been replaced with lovely dresses or sharp outfits, the connection to showing up and celebrating together has never ended, it has just evolved.

Had our family tradition continued exactly as it was, unchanged, would we miss out on the opportunity to spend Thanksgiving with others who have come into our life & have deep roots and meaning?  Yes.  This year a dear friend is joining us again, and while my extended family is warm and welcoming (sometimes overly so) being able to have a smaller gathering allows for more intimate conversations and a slowed-down pace for the day.  Who doesn’t need that from time to time? While there are certainly moments I long for a return to that simple time in our grandparents unfinished basement, expanding our lives with others only expands the circle of love and support around us.

So to wrap up my trip down memory lane, some tips for not only getting through this holiday season, but learning how to embrace and celebrate, even if it isn’t how you might have hoped it to be…..

• Create your own traditions.  Find meaning.  Literally share/break bread with one another and express a simple gratitude for this past year.
• Show up.  Fully present.  Intentionally be with your family.  Turn the TV off.  Put your phones away.  Gasp.  Be Present with your family or friends.  At least for dinner.  Be in the moment……
• Be thankful if you are among the majority of Americans who gain weight from Thanksgiving to Black Friday- it means you aren’t worrying about how to pay for your dinner and you have friends/or family to feed you! A few pounds you can lose, friends/family- true ones- are irreplaceable.
• Practice gratitude throughout the year.  Not just for the day.  Do you want to live a happier more joy-filled life? Then practice gratitude DAILY.

I hope you all can relate on some level as I am certain we weren’t the only family with such a picturesque backdrop for family gatherings…hoping all who read this today or over the holiday season have a peace-filled/joyous Thanksgiving and holiday season.

Prepping for interview on dating in tech era…where the wandering mind of the researcher goes….

I have a scheduled interview on an article I pitched: “Dating in the tech era…Some things are different while Some remain the same.” Still working on the title…..

My clinical practice includes a speciality working with young adults.  I like to fancy myself a “kid or young adult at heart.”  However, my oldest son literally is a young adult now, so I can only live in denial for so long.  Now “dating” by no means is just a young adult phenomenon, but perspective on what that looks like is different as a young adult vs…well the rest of us.

Daily, I hold space with women (and some young men) who are in the midst of the dating app vs “a more organic/natural way of meeting potential partner.”  While some things haven’t changed over time (I will address later), some things are way different than when I was in the dating scene 25+ years ago. First, the modern computer and phones as we now know them to be, simply did not exist.  I know, I know, for the millennial and younger generations that seems unfathomable, but it is the truth.

If you wanted to ask someone out of a date, you had to call on his/her landline and risk rejection in front of a room full of his/her peers or family on the other end of the phone,  in real time.  Not through an app on your phone or computer.  This archaic method of “courting” (yes, this dates me as well) felt even more scary as if he/she picked up that phone- there was no turning back.  Good or Bad, you were all in! Especially if he/she had caller ID.  (yes, young peeps!  There was a time you had to pay extra to see who was calling before you picked up the phone.)

The ease and myriad of ways you can “meet” someone have shifted and evolved (or regressed perhaps) in so many ways.  Apps. Table for 8.  Meet up Groups.  The list is seemingly endless. But at heart, everyone is trying to meet “their someone.” Now….. each individual’s definition of “someone” may vary.  To one, “someone is forever” & yet to another, “someone is right now or if it’s convenient.” Sadly, that mystery of your new potential partner’s definition of “someone” has not been solved and each time one enters a relationship, you are risking getting your heart broken.   And that… reality… brings me to the heart (no pun intended, no may be I did intent it to be?) of this blog.

Humans and their pursuit to find love has not changed.  And the feeling when love ends or love is not reciprocated is an universally agreed upon experience, across cultures, continents, languages, religions, genders, sexual orientations, etc.  In research, I found that the term broken heart comes from a metaphor for intense emotional and sometimes physical pain, or deep longing often associated with a desired or lost lover.  Anyone who has had his/her heart broken knows this to be true, the emotional and physical connection can be most powerfully felt through loss.

In further research, I learned that the intense pain one may feel is believed to be part of a human survival instinct, encouraging us as humans to maintain relationships for fear of causing or experiencing intense emotional AND physical pain.  This concept is believed to be a universally accepted truth of the human condition in relation to love.  I further read of the neurological process involved in the perception of heartache and unfortunately, that is when my skill set or intellectual processing needed to tap out for a few moments….

But…the research was astounding!

Reading the science behind this universal knowledge of what one goes through when a relationship ends…made me think about what advice I can give others when entering into relationships based on what the research, and what my clinical experience can offer.  To avoid a broken heart, being the breaker or the break-e, or at a minimum to lessen the pain of the experience.

• Be clear on intentions.  If you are looking for a hook up. State that clearly in your profile or when you meet someone.  There are plenty of people, of all genders and races and religions and sexual orientations who are just looking for sex.  No judgement.  Just be honest.  If you are looking for a relationship, do not settle for less.  You deserve more.
• Be certain you have time and energy to date.  If you are starting a relationship, people often make time so they can see the other person.  As you get comfortable, let’s face it, we all can get lazy.  Does this other person matter?  If yes, then you need to show him/her for a lifetime, not just when it’s easy or convenient.
• Don’t ghost.  If you are in the dating world, I am sure I don’t have to explain this new phenomenon. If you are older like me, it is when someone is talking (which by the way means texting or messaging in some way, rarely does that mean talking on the cell phone or God forbid in person!) and you suddenly, without warning or without any sign whatsoever….Stop.  All.  Communication.  You are not 5 years old.  If you are no longer interested, please have the courtesy to let the other person know so they stop wondering and ruminating over it in my office!  I am kidding!  I am there to support my clients but seriously, if you are old enough to enter into a romantic or dating relationship, be mature enough to have an ending relationship conversation with the other person.  (yes…even if it was one or two dates.  “I’m sorry, I am just not interested in you that way” albeit trite is WAY better than the endless wonder….)
• Understand a broken heart is a real thing. Relationships are complicated, why some survive and some end, still a mystery.  There are a plethora of books on the market, trust me when I say there are a plethora….but not one can definitively say this one relationship or with this one person- yes for sure you are all set. This one will last!!!  Not even close.  While you may the one moving on to the next shiny thing….or a sabbatical….or whatever the circumstance you may find yourself being in- please listen.  As a decent human being, you can be kind in letting someone know he/she is no longer in your “forever plan” and the degree to which you are able to show that other person compassion in the process illustrates what type of person you really are.  Don’t be a jerk.  We have all been there.   To the one who is hurting, know that time (more than anything), love for yourself, a few really awesome and patient friends who “got this” with you, faith if you have some always a bonus, meditation, exercise, chocolate- well because it is the answer for everything and lastly this… belief that love, pure love, is never wasted and never a mistake.  Cherish your ability to feel love- to give love and to receive it.  Never ever regret the times you took a risk, you loved fiercely and even the times you got hurt or never allow another to block your sunshine.

wishing you peace and patience and faith in your journey towards finding and showing up for love.

Mind Body Syndrome & the Highly Sensitive Person- exploring the connection

Cooler weather brings more mats in the yoga space, more mats brings more students, more students brings more distraction.  My natural set point of having an overly active/wandering mind has been in overdrive.  Even for me.  Thus, even the holding of Warrior 2, a pose I see at nearly every yoga practice, feels unbearable.  I twitch, move around, try counter poses sorta hoping no one else notices my fidgeting, desperately wanting to get out of the pain that resides in my body.  Not the typical aches/discomfort that begets a nearly 50 year old body, but the pain that I now know originates when my brain gets in this cycle (cue, MBS or also known as TMS….I’ve discussed this cycle in the past writings) but the reminders of  “be with your breath. Be present” that makes so much sense to me, right in this moment feels like the teacher is speaking greek & I…. quite certainly do not.

Mind Body Syndrome or formerly known as TMS: Tension Myositis Syndrome (TMS) is a psychological condition that causes physical symptoms, such as chronic back pain, fibromyalgia, and gastrointestinal problems. The symptoms are not caused by any other medical conditions and are often unexplainable.

While it’s great to have a name to this “unexplainable” syndrome, the “cure” of it is no more under control for me than it was when I first learned about it a few years ago.  I have the tools, I have the information, I have techniques, and at times I am really able to accept it. There is hope in the experience of time, albeit brief, of being nearly pain free.  But mostly, I am still learning to accept and reprogram the faulting “danger” messages looping around in my brain, causing me to have shooting pain in my hip flexor (used to be piriformis, MBS/TMS is characterized by pain moving around from place to place) causing me to lose sleep again, and challenges my ability to sit without discomfort or do poses in yoga that I have been able to do in the past, or run… any distances….without pain.

Yoga has felt like a blur lately.  I show up.  I sit at the top of my mat when class begins, and I quickly close my eyes as to try to turn my thoughts inwards instead of focusing on the myriad of distractions in class.  Difficult part is this technique helps when I am less in this MBS loop, and what can calm my inner thoughts other times, only exacerbates the MBS symptoms when I am in the cycle.  My inward landscape is a labyrinth of thoughts & emotions, most of which I keep to myself.  And so the question comes to me, how do we teach ourselves and others to sit with discomfort and accept that balance of sitting with it without overly identifying with it so that it overstays its welcome?

I’ve been “sitting with” this for at least 10 years, though to varying degrees I am certain I have been “sitting with” this for most of my life.  Writing that, and acknowledging this cycle, feels overwhelming. Being born or molded into a HSP (or highly sensitive person as a former friend once illuminated my understanding of my being) has a concerning flaw in its design.  Not only do we pick up/take on emotions of those around us, but also avoid speaking one’s own truth or push down feelings/emotions to protect or not worry those around us.  Then, to add insult to injury, the fault of “being too sensitive” is often placed squarely on the HSP rather than those around who aren’t caring or attune enough to see that pattern taking form.  While it is something I have been working on in my life, it isn’t perfect by any means and at times, when I am overwhelmed, it isn’t something I can control or see happening…until it’s too late and I’m in this cycle all over again.

In a clinical setting, I often discuss with clients the tragic flaw with this seemingly sensitive and pleasant personality trait.  When you defer consistently to the other’s happiness, by pushing down your thoughts or feelings, you are then the one person in the room who is left feeling unhappy or at a minimum unheard.

I so wanted to have this all figured out and be on the other side saying “yeah, that was me, and I figured out a way to peace and contentment by doing A-B-C”….. I wanted that to be my story or my timeline.  But in trusting my journey…. I am choosing to speak along the way, and hope there is value in my vulnerability of acknowledging I do not have it all figured out.  I am trying.

I have been this person described above my entire life.  Quiet and introverted and sensitive- all traits I am both proud of and embrace, yet frustrate me. Growing up, they certainly made me different and awkward.  As an adult, the traits make me really great as a therapist, and hopefully pretty advantageous as a mom, but the spiral of dysfunction can go off the rails beyond those settings. While this is in no way meant to be a pity party for me or anyone who both is HSP or has MBS, if that is where you, the reader, think I am going with this I am story, sorry to disappoint.  My writing is more to help others understand, how we who fall into these areas function.  For those of you who may love someone, or know someone who is HSP or who has MBS, I hope you can take to heart your own responsibility for how you interact with those people. Yes, you can help.  And can hurt.

1. 1.  Ask questions. how has your pain been?  What can I do to help?  Tell me about the ways that you are able to relax and accept your pain & when it has been less for you.
   2. Never, ever, ever, say someone who is HSP is “overly sensitive.”  Would you prefer those of us who are HSP to refer to you as being “void of sensitivity” or a “heartless a-hole?” Of course not, that’d be unkind.  So please have some compassion for those of us who are trying to have that same sense of compassion for ourselves & this often-problematic trait.  
   3. Understand the physical pain we feel is real, and even though we “look” ok on the outside, doesn’t mean the pain isn’t real and possibly excruciating at times.  The physical sensation of pain MUST always come from the brain.  ALWAYS. But with MBS, there is no physiological explanation for the pain existing.  It doesn’t make the pain any less real.  It actually makes it even more frustrating because there is no easy/quick fix. 
   4. Know there is help out there for anyone diagnosed with MBS, specifically.  For more information on this diagnosis and treatment available…. www.unlearnyourpain.com

 

Wishing all who read this today- or in the future- peace in your journey.

Ode to the importance of true love

53+ years.  That is how long my parents have been married.  53+years.

Facilitating couples therapy over the years, I have often stated to clients at some point “the difference between couples who end their marriages and those who stay together is is the ability to navigate & heal through conflict.” Not verbatim, but something about the degree to which couples are able to get through conflict, or difficult times & hopefully in the end filled with more joy & happiness than bitterness & resentment.  And while I contend I still believe that is part of it, watching my parents over the past week, I admit I was missing something of critical importance.

53+ years has not been an easy path for my parents.  There have been countless moves, building houses, switching jobs, loss of a job, loss of a business, extended families to navigate, endless holidays to host & accept as being less than and more beautiful than a Norman Rockwell painting, having 2 children who at times have been challenging/heartbreaking/disappointing (Yes, I am including myself in this for sure!), and illnesses.

Have you ever had the privilege of watching 2 people who deeply love and adore one another navigate through this space- of illness?  I have had this honor 2x in my lifetime already.  I have written often about the lessons I have learned from my Dad’s state IV cancer diagnosis at age 52, and the impact it had on me professionally and personally.  What I haven’t written about as much is the grace to which my Mom navigated this diagnosis with my Dad.  While helping to care for her father in law who was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, & helping to watch my youngest son as I was going to graduate school, my Mom patiently, lovingly, and passionately cared for my Dad as he recovered from 2 stem cell transplants.  It was YEARS of ups/downs.  YEARS of uncertainty.  YEARS of my Dad not feeling/looking/acting like himself.  And she never complained and never gave up.  Ever.  I look at her and the strength she had, especially as I am approaching the age she was when all of this started for him/her/them, and I am in awe.  The love they had for one another, that special- rare-deep affectionate love got them through.

It wasn’t how much money they had (though having really GREAT insurance helped! But that is a discussion for another time) or what house (or houses) they had, or car they drove, or vacation spot they traveled to, or jewelry she/they owned/owns (but she does have fabulously purchased tokens of love from my Dad) or what influential people they knew or what level of external success they both have achieved in their lives….it was the love they had/have for one another that made their journey so beautiful to watch.

Fast forward now 23 years later, and my Dad is now in the role my Mom once had.  Last week, my brave Mom had 2 surgeries in 2 days to repair/replace faulty hardware in her back.  Day 1, the orthopedic surgeon and the vascular surgeon went through her abdomen and stabilized her spine from the front.  Day 2, the orthopedic surgeon went into her back and put in a new device to stabilize her spine from the back.  2 incisions.  2 times under anesthesia.  2 big surgeries.  And a whole lotta prayers hoping this would help relieve the nearly constant pain my Mom has been experiencing resulting from the medical device not fusing properly the last time she had surgery.

I had the honor to sit with my Dad as he waited for not just my Mom, but his wife come out of surgery.  His wife.  As he gently kissed her as she giddily drifted off to sleep pre- surgery, and as he sat anxiously in the waiting room, it was clear his sole focus was to get my Mom, his wife, healthy and feeling better again.  As she woke from her last day of surgery (a solid 2 hours to wake up and be able to see her post surgery- was agonizing for all, most of all him I am sure)…..seeing them together took my breath away.  As she laid in her hospital bed, hair all askew, visible pain on her face, tears in her eyes….. my Dad gently stroked her hair out of her face, kissed her cheek ever so gently, and it was in that moment I thought…. this is the love of a TRUE fairytale.

It isn’t the extravagant gestures.  It isn’t the explosive lust that is shown on film.  It isn’t the grand public declaration of love.  It is the quiet, gentle, unrelenting, and pure love that is the truest meaning of the word.

Do you demonstrate/embody that kind of love for you +1?  Do you feel that from your +1?  Have you known that kind of love?  The kind of love that makes you feel like YOU ARE THEIR WORLD?  If so….hold on to it!  If not, what are you waiting for to find/be that love to another? Life is full of uncertainties, life does not guarantee any of us another day, or another moment to show someone else how much you love him/her.  Or to allow yourself to be loved from another.  Tomorrow is promised to no one.  No one.  No, not even you reading this.  No one.

November has for years been a month of focusing on gratitude for me, even more reverently than I do the rest of the year.  This year, I cannot think of 2 people, and 2 reminders of the power and beauty of love than my parents.  I am grateful beyond measure for being able to be a witness of the purest sense of the word, love, in the two of them.

Wishing you all peace and love and light and a willingness to take risks and follow your heart…..

Peace.

 

 

 

Mission: Hand/headstands or bust. Reflections from my first yoga retreat.

Conversation when I’m leaving for my retreat with my family….

Me:  My intention for this retreat is to finally face my fear of inversions (including hand/headstands but not limited to them) and be able to do them w/o assistance.  Husband/kids:  You better or don’t even bother coming home!

All giggling a little, but at the time, for some ridiculous reason now as I can clearly see, that seemed like a valuable and worthy intention, as if my life would be monumentally improved for myself and all around me if I can stick and handstand unassisted.  How wrong I was…..

Still present in this state of bliss that was present for my week long yoga retreat, I’m continuing to process what it was about being in the retreat that feels so transformative.

While being in a beautiful tropical location is AMAZING, that was not what made it transformative.  While having healthy (and vegetarian!) food prepared for me every meal was delicious and refreshing, that was not what made it transformative.  While practicing yoga twice a day for 4-5 hours a day was relaxing, challenging, restorative, exhausting, and beautiful, that wasn’t what made this retreat restorative either.

In my processing….for now, this is what I want people to know, and how my conscious mind shifted to allow the transformation to begin.

The entire experience as out of my comfort zone, and I encourage EVERYONE to seek to do things that are.  That is where change happens, but doing things that make us uncomfortable and challenge our limiting beliefs about ourselves and our lives.  Does it need to be a yoga retreat?  Certainly not!  But being both the observer (which is a role I am often in as both a therapist and an introvert) and the participant, I could see the shifts happen with others and feel myself shifting as well.  It wasn’t in “who could stick this pose” that made it trasformative, it was more in the putting ourselves in uncomfortable positions & conversations, challenging both our physical practice as well as our emotional and intellectual belief systems that allowed the work to truly begin to promote the change that every single person was there to experience.

We all could’ve gone to a resort in the tropics and sipped on cocktails all day long while turning the pages of the latest romance novel on the beach and it would be lovely, but transformative?  Likely not….

For me, the quiet moments, the gentle and genuine experiences had the greatest impact and I hope and pray and intend to carry them with me as I continue on this journey of life…..the walk on the beach with one of the teachers and a few others (whom I didn’t know) for 2 hours when my introverted self wanted to shrink into the sand and stay small and invisible….but I did it anyway.  The honor of braiding a new-friend’s hair, an activity I cannot even remember doing for another since childhood, if ever!  I was in tears at this simple, intimate opportunity for a friend with beautiful long & shiny and brilliantly black hair.  Listening to a new-friend play the ukulele for me and sunrise as we sipped tea and coffee and talked about the hard stuff of life.  Sharing in a circle the stuff I don’t like about myself, and feeling genuine love and support and space from this group of then, relative strangers who are now people I consider friends.  Helping a new-friend do upward facing bow (google if you’ve never seen) and watching her evolve from “my body can’t do this” to allowing 2 strangers (at the time) cheer her on and HELP her to work WITH her body rather than against it to achieve what she deemed impossible.  To holding space while others cried.  Or were quiet.  Or scared to share.  To laughing so hard my sides hurt.  Waking in the morning and drinking tea again…why did I ever stop this practice?  Waking in the morning, before sunrise, not because I had to be anywhere (because….um….I didn’t!) but rather to watch the sunrise, or journal, or mediate or all the above.  Sharing a meal with relative strangers, and talking about how much we, as humans, have in common yet we all feel so separate and in our own freaking heads we rarely take time to look at it from this angle.  Being vulnerable, saying this is hard and I don’t want to do it because I am afraid of failing and what others will think of me/us.  Being able to give oneself permission to go to bed early because the intention is to wake up early and work with our bodies to allow change to happen.  Limited phone/computer/netflix/facebook/social media/chores/responsibilities….. allows one to look at life differently, and until we step away and really look at our life and patterns, we cannot (or I couldn’t) see any other way.  Challenging our limiting beliefs, our patterns, our childhoods, our relationships and realizing that NOTHING and I do mean NOTHING is permanent…it all changes.  We can fight it, like we are swimming up stream and frustrated and angry and filled with distress, or we can simply learn to let go and allow ourselves to go where the river of life is intending us to be…..that is the work.   That is the transformation.  That….was the process where my new, pure intention was able to present itself more clearly, and a peace filled my being in a way that I haven’t felt in so long I don’t even know what to call it yet.

I left the retreat, for the first time in memory, filled with great happy memories but also literally giddy to go home to see my family and friends.  Giddy!  Those who know me, know my natural set point is serious and calm, but giddy?  Rarely if ever.  I said hello to people at the airport.  I said thank you to every airport staff member I came across.  I commented on book a young man was reading, The Power of Now, as I am too.  I sat at the airport without music, or my phone, or my computer or ….and just let myself be.  While all of that might seem silly or insignificant, I cannot express enough that it IS not my natural set point, and was not a conscious thing I was doing.  I felt freer to do because I released on some level things that needed to be so that a new- transformative version of myself could emerge.

Upon coming home, I ran up to my kids and gave them the biggest hugs and stopped and fed our new adopted pet squirrel “Chonkers” and cheerfully told them stories that could be shared (while honoring the sacred space of the retreat and all its beautiful attendees) and BOTH of my children, 21 and almost 17 year old boys, separately commented how much happier I seemed.  Without prompting, they both saw it in me.

Our teachers were both right, sticking a handstand (unassisted) WILL not dramatically change ones life.  TRUTH!  But putting oneself into uncomfortable situations and allowing ourself to feel whatever emotions emerge, and allow the change to come and direct us where we truly need/want to be….will.

I am filled with gratitude.  And have such a clear sense of the journey and the lessons along the way……forever will be grateful the universe looked at my original intention of wanting to stick and handstand unassisted and laughed at me….and said…..there is a bigger intention for you to strive for…..

May be at a later date…..

Peace….in your journey of life……

 

 

Why sitting with our discomfort IS the way to move through it (and the various ways we try to bi-pass the feelings)

We do not grow in the space of comfort.  

I have this conversation with clients and family and friends on a nearly daily basis.  No matter how many times I have the conversation, no matter how many times I hear it or read it from others far more “evolved or enlightened” than I am, the inner dialogue in my head remains:

• I want the easy button!
• Haven’t I endured enough?
• Isn’t there another way?

If there was, I’d take it.  If there was, I’d recommend it.  There isn’t an easy path to process uncomfortable feelings.  If we want to move through them….we have to go through it.  That is the way.

Reading the works of Brene Brown, I was quickly hooked in/drawn into the truth that we, as a culture, are constantly seeking ways to comfort/numb/escape ourselves when we are hurting or struggling, emotionally or physically.  While many methods (drinking, shopping, eating, etc) are super effective, albeit temporarily, to numb our feelings, choosing to use these methods as a way to escape does nothing but just that….NUMB.  And just like getting an epidural to treat a pain condition, once the numbing effects wear off, unless you deal with the root cause of pain, it will resurface. Again.  and again.  And again.

Pain (emotional or physical) continues in our life until we have learned what it has to teach us.  

After graduation, I was not initially accepted to grad school.  Instead of going home and getting any job a BA in psychology would allow me to do (and that isn’t much, future undergrad psych majors!), I decided to apply and accepted a year-long volunteer position in New Mexico.  While I wasn’t certain what I would be doing day-to-day, I had expressed interest to work with the New Mexico AIDS Taskforce (this was in the height of the AIDS epidemic) and Casa Esperanza, or House of Hope, a short-term housing for people who were being treated for cancer at the local hospital.  I lasted in this position for a few months.

In looking back, what I told others about why I left was based in truth, but not entirely.  While the experience was not as I had hoped, feeling the work was too basic and far beneath my clearly expert clinical skills with my exceedingly impressive bachelors degree in psychology (hoping you can sense my great sarcasm now, but probably this was closer to the truth of what I thought I had to offer the world at that time!), the work itself was not the main issue.  The TRUTH is I was uncomfortable.  In every single aspect of this experience.  I missed the comforts of home. I missed my family.  I missed my friends.  I missed my Diet Dr Pepper.  And …..I quit.  Gulp.

It is hard to write- and hard to read.  And hard to acknowledge.

I regret it to this day.  I regret what this set in motion, and the years I spent looking for the easy path to avoid my own discomfort.  My reaction to discomfort was to find a way out.  In jobs, in relationships, in goals in life both personal or professional.  When I was scared, felt hurt, I’ve wanted to find something to make those feelings go away.  Many of the super effective but albeit temporary “fixes” I have tried!  Super unhealthy, super contrary to what I preach to clients, super destructive.  And the worst part of it all…..the same shit I was trying to escape, was still there for me to deal with anyway!

• What we resist, persists.
• “Pain” will continue until we learn the lesson that it is there to teach us.
• If we want things to be different, we have to do things different-ly.
• Pain, all pain, is temporary.
• We grow in environment where we are being challenged.

Pain, physical or emotional, is temporary and inevitable in our human form.  What we choose to do with it, is optional.  What we choose to do with it is optional.  

Recognizing that truth, has changed things for me.  When I am in yoga and I want to leave because of something we are doing or a message that has been woven intentionally in the practice is stirring something up for me, I remind myself it is temporary.  I remind myself if I want to move forward, I need to sit with the feelings & listen to what they are trying to teach me. When I am hurt from a family member or friend, instead of internalizing the feelings & somehow defaulting to it is my fault (another journey I am on), I give myself permission to be hurt but not to try to fix what I did not break.  For peacekeepers, healers, of recovering co-dependents, this feels ground breaking!  No longer am I willing to hustle for my worthiness with anyone in my life, and in doing so….I found my own self worth.  That was a lesson, no amount destructive coping/numbing agents could have ever taught me.  The lesson showed up over and over and over and over and over in my life until I finally just SAT WITH THE FREAKING feelings of being hurt, without trying to numb them, without trying to apologize for a wrong I hadn’t done.

Discomfort is part of the human condition.  How we choose to respond to it is our choice.  The next time discomfort shows up for you…. can you:

• Sit with the feelings and ask what they are trying to teach you
• Meditate & allow yourself to soften into the feelings rather than running from or trying to numb yourself from them
• Remind yourself ALL feelings are temporary
• Look for patterns and see them as opportunities for growth
• Put energy into friends/family who support you rather than adding to your internal dialogue of negativity
• Be Brave!

I wish my 22-year-old self would’ve been brave enough to do some of the work I’m doing now, but she wasn’t ready.  Are you?

Peace………

 

 

When did extroversion become the goal? (Introverts unite! Separately in our own homes…..)

I love this image! The more I delve deep into the world of introversion vs extroversion, the more sense this makes to me.  I have been taught to believe through messages in school, in media, and professional conferences (I will explain later) and seemingly everywhere I turn this:  extroversion is the standard to which we all should aspire.

Often confused with being shy or socially awkward, which indeed I may be at times, introversion is much more about the process to which one processes thoughts and ideas and the world around us.  While there have been times in history when we revered the great “thinkers” of the world, a shift has certainly occurred where we defer to the one in the room or group who responds first, loudest, and with the greatest sense of enthusiasm, none of which have been proven to be effective selective criteria to determine outcomes or results.  Yet, this process continues in our education system, organizations, businesses, government, and even in families.

Two interesting definitions I found in preparation for this topic:  “the quality of being shy or reticent” and “the tendency to be concerned more with one’s own thoughts and feelings than with the external things.” 

Yes!

This is absolutely the reality in which I live, having significantly more thoughts swooning around my mind than I readily share with the world around me. Until recently, even though my education tells me there is no more of a way for an introvert to change to be an extrovert than the other way around (though I believe you’d be hard pressed to find any extroverts who have been told they should be more introverted, a reality introverts are faced with on a regular basis) ….part of me still wished I was born an extrovert.  I wanted to be the gregarious kid in school who freely shared ideas, I wanted to be the outgoing and bubbly cheerleader who didn’t stop because others were looking at her, I wanted to be in theater or…. but as much as I desired to be any/all of these things….putting myself out there in these formats felt as foreign to me as it may be for others to sit in meditation, or spend the day just writing without outside stimuli, or walking in the park with no one else around me but the birds & squirrels and my dog.  That is bliss for me, that is how I am wired, and to aspire to be anything different than who I am is an insult to how and why I was created.  In my humble opinion.

I mentioned a Professional conference earlier.  It is worth noting to show the great leaning towards extroversion as the ideal standard we shall all aspire to attain.  The message continues today, even when we know introversion and extraversion are innate character traits and thus not possible, nor should we aspire, to change.  A year ago, I attended a conference where Tony Robbins was presenting/speaking/doing his schtick.  If you aren’t familiar with his work, I encourage you to look it up!  The room was FREEZING, by his design.  The music leading up to the event was LOUD, by his design.  The energy was overwhelming, again, by his design.  As he went through his standard schtick, engaging the audience, many of whom were into the jumping/singing/dancing/yelling thing….I was struck by not only my reaction but many others in the room.  I wasn’t moved to dance, I wasn’t moved to sing, I wasn’t moved to shout out responses or jump up and down, and left thinking certainly there was something wrong with me because I didn’t.  The larger than life personality,  who has a cult-like following clearly was giving the message that this IS the standard to which we all should aspire.  To be successful, I caught myself thinking,  I need to figure out how to be like him.   Every fiber in my body was saying, this is not me, so may be there is something wrong with me.

I went for a walk after the session ended.  Feeling crappy…was this his intention, I wondered.  I listened to music, lost in my own thoughts…and suddenly thought….Wait!  While this may work for some, I know in my heart I could take every advanced class he offers and spend thousands of dollars to try to “improve” myself, but I will not change the reality that I am wired for introversion.  This is who I am.  And the bigger “a-ha moment” is this:  I don’t want to be like him, or anyone else.  Here’s why….

I am a good listener.  I have great empathy and a calm with my clients, my family and my friends.  I enjoy writing and reading and contemplating the great mysteries of life:  like what happens after we die or why doesn’t broccoli takes like chocolate?  I am imaginative and creative and introspective.  I like quiet, and comfortable reading or listening to music or baking or walking my dog ….all of which I am totally content doing alone.  I have known heart ache and the feeling of wishing I was something more than I am, allowing me to really truly empathize with clients in a way that I may not if I was something other than who I am.  I am slow to respond at times, but rest assured when I do , it is with great intention and thought and not just the first thing that comes to mind.  Being introverted is a gift for me, professionally and personally and I am grateful for this new perspective that has allowed me to see it this way.

I am grateful to the people in my life who encouraged me to start writing in a public format, nearly 6 1/2 years ago.  At the time, blogging was relatively new and it was more of an experiment in vulnerability than a great literary achievement, for me.  When I look back to 179 PUBLIC blog posts I have published (many more have remain in draft form) I am even amazed at the vulnerability (Brene Brown would be so proud) I have shown in this format.  Body image issues, depression, anxiety, grief, thoughts on suicide, most of which I haven’t felt open enough to talk with friends and family about, I have been able to do in my writing. It isn’t so much of “fear” of sharing, or feeling awkward or shy…more so of needing a way to express myself on my terms, and in my time.  That is the key:  allowing space for everyone to participate in the conversation.  While I am not suggesting every person needs to blog or write or create in a quiet intentional way, (ok, I think that’d be amazing if we all did!) I am suggesting that we as a people work more effectively when we celebrate each other’s differences and strengths & aspire to find effective ways for ideas to surface for all members at the table, vs deferring readily to the loudest, most animated or first to respond.

While I’ve been told in my life, often, that I am guarded, I never really understood why.  The thought process that used to leave me feeling “less than” changed when I started reading the work of Susan Cain.  To be able to think about and process thoughts, vs having to react or comment or have an opinion on something on the spot isn’t something that works for me, or other introverts.

The “I’m not enough” mentality in me that can quite easily get triggered has long been intermingled with this observation and understanding that society greatly values and relegates those who are born extroverted as having accomplished some form of greatness when in fact they are just doing what comes naturally to them.  And that is awesome!  We all love a lively extrovert.  However, as introverts, we are often told to try harder to be more “outgoing” when every fiber in our bodies is telling us otherwise.  I still vividly remember attending school conferences for my sons when they were younger, and being told there was a desire by the teachers for them to participate more in classes by raising their hands or being more animated in class discussions.  As recent as last year, in the 10th grade, my younger son had a teacher who would not only give points to students who participated with “enthusiasm in class” but would take them away if a student didn’t participate DAILY in class.  I want to say now, are you freaking kidding me?  What does that have to do with his getting an education?  They’re both smart, creative, compassionate, charming, funny young men…who are both introverted.  One should NEVER be punished for being who you were created to be.

I wonder….. have any teachers ever thought to take points away if a student didn’t spend time each day in quiet contemplation, or thinking about the meaning of life, or writing the next great novel or ……

I wonder….have any teachers ever thought to reward students who are creative, and quiet and doing their work alone, but with purpose and meaning?

We have such a long way to go……

 

When 12:07 is the loneliest number that you’ll ever know……

Never has 12:07 minutes felt longer to me.  That is exactly how long it took me to run a mile today in a “mile challenge” at Orange Theory.

This might not seem significant to anyone else, except in my mind.  However, as I stepped up on the treadmill this morning, nervousness and overwhelming feelings of not being good enough ran through my head.  Before I even started.  Instantly, I was catapulted back to the “running the mile” challenge in high school.  How did this happen?  After all the “work” I feel like I have done on myself over the past few years, and in a moment I am reminded that perhaps there is still so much more work for me to be doing on myself.

I was last.  Absolute last in my group to finish.

(Now somehow I missed the memo that I could’ve walked it and done a lesser distance than the “runners”, but I worked so hard to call myself a “runner” after a lifetime of being a self proclaimed couch potato, even if I paid attention enough to see the option, I am pretty sure I would’ve run it anyway.)

As I continued to plot along, the group was cheering me on, literally cheering for me.  I know if it was someone else I would be doing the same, however, I felt embarrassed and ashamed.  Fighting back tears.  Instantly….. I was brought back to that insecure person filled with feelings of not being good enough.  As a person who likes to blend in, having an entire studio cheer you on was anything but comforting.  I wanted desperately to crawl out of my skin, and yet….I finished the workout and quickly existed as soon as possible.  Walking sheepishly past the front desk, embarrassment on my face…the ladies at the desk were also congratulating me for finishing the mile.  I so wanted to glide past them and exit the studio as quickly as possible, but…. not before I told them this:

• I have run and completed 5 full marathons
• I have run and completed 12+ half marathons
• I have run and completed several other mid distance races
• I have done most of the while struggling with a chronic pain condition.  One that has sidelined me for far too long, and one I have an ongoing hate/hate relationship with it as I learn to cohabitate with it and attempt to live as normal a life as possible.

 

Why?  Why did I need to tell them anything? Why?  

If I take a deep breath, and if I am honest with myself, rooted in this is the belief that I’m not enough.  That I need to be something better- or doing more- or proving myself in someway in order to justify my taking up space in the studio, at work, at home, in life.  That is a very difficult thing to write and to acknowledge.  But in that moment, I felt so small (I KNOW that was not any of their intent) and I felt like if I told them all of this, they wouldn’t look at me as being …….. weak. or slow. or fat.  or old.  ugh…….

This is what occurred to me today….. while I am actively reading and meditating and exploring personal growth topics, this morning was a keen reminder of the fragility of self that I wasn’t acknowledging.  Unlike the races I so boldly and unnecessarily blurted out finishing today, there is no end point in this journey.  And that’s the really tricky part, for me.  It was a minor set back, really inconsequential, but in the moment it felt HUGE!  The flashbacks of negative self talk, or being teased in school, of feeling utterly useless flooded into me just as if I had done no “work on self” at all!

I share this today, hoping whoever it reaches who may be struggling with not feeling good enough, or small, or worthless to know….I get it.  While I was REALLY there for a large portion of my life, it is nothing like it used to feel for me.  Recognition that the “work” I’ve been doing does help to shift that perspective.

When I returned home, I listened to some music, said a few “f— this”, cried actual ugly tears, got ready for work, hung out with my dog for a few moments, and set aside time for meditation, I was able to re-set….and remember the TRUTH.

• I am enough
• I matter
• I don’t need to justify my existence or worth to anyone else
• Happiness/contentment/joy is an inside job
• I am a work in progress.  And I thank God I am!  Else my work on earth would be done, right?

In yoga the other day, I left with the message to ponder….. that our souls choose certain human challenges for us to learn from in this life.  If I have not felt worthy at certain points in my life, for example….then it is my responsibility or task to learn that I am enough …… and I can try to numb it with a variety of effective but unhealthy methods (drinking, shopping, drugs, etc.) or I can sit with the feelings (YUK!) and apply the actual tools I not only research but TEACH clients, and grow in this experience.

This month, I am getting back on the “race train” and signed up for a 5k.  A start.  And while I might be one of the last ones to cross the finish line, in my rational self, I can honestly say….. that’s enough.

Would love to hear feedback……. what’s your story?

Sending you thoughts of peace and joy and the knowledge that right now- in this very moment- you are already enough!

Peace…..

 

 

 

 

How running a marathon changed my life & why you should find your own “marathon” too!

Fear has two meanings:

• Forget everything and run
• Face everything and rise

You choose.

If you’ve made it past the title of this post you’re either:

• Curious about running a marathon
• A marathon runner
• A family member/friend reading just to be supportive, which is lovely too….
• Caught my purposeful use of quotation marks around “marathon” and are curious what I meant

What is your “marathon?”

I grew up with the clear belief that I was not an athlete.  I’m not sure where that belief emerged from and how it took hold.  In reflection, however, a deeper truth bubbled to the surface.  It wasn’t so much that I was un-athletic, rather my insecurity and anxiety and introversion that influenced my relationship with sports or activities in general. The fear of putting myself out there for others to see me, to really see me, was so frightening that I chose to hide behind the contrived belief that I was un-athletic as a safer way to navigate through my formative years.

When I started running/walking in my mid-30s, it was more as a way to relieve stress & have a few moments where no one needed me.  More specifically, I longed for a few moments where someone wasn’t saying “Mom! Mom! Mom!” or “What are we having for dinner?” It was a few moments of an escape for me.

I never even considered training for let alone finishing a marathon.  What would I have to draw from over the course of my life to make be think that was possible?  Nothing!  If someone had suggested that I write a book (and understand what I was writing about) on quantum physics, that would be more believable!  As a clinical social worker with a background in psychology and religious studies, that would be a magnificent stretch to even ponder.  However, somewhere early in the process, something shifted in me and I started to believe the unbelievable.

With each step on my training runs, each day I’d log my miles, each new pair of shoes I’d purchase, each small run I’d participate in and complete, each blister or sore muscle I’d take notice of along the way, my mindset started to shift from there is no way, to what if? What once seemed impossible became possible by my DAILY ritual of participating in the process.  The daily ritual of training runs, cross training, and even rest days IS what made the difference in my belief system.  The trite bucket list item of “I want to run/complete a marathon” became a reality for me.

In the fall of 2006, I ran and completed my first marathon in Detroit.  I joined the group of less than 1% of the world’s population who has completed this distance.  I DID THAT!  ME!  The:

• Un-athletic Me
• Picked last in gym class Me
• Didn’t make “insert sport here” Me
• Didn’t try out for “insert sport/activity here” Me

I that fall….I completed the first of my 5 full marathons.  And while I did not set any momental records or place with any significance that day, I cannot explain the emotions that came pouring out of me as I crossed the finish line that glorious October day.

What once seemed ridiculous became a reality and regular activity for me for the next decade.  Marathon running has taken me and my husband to many cities in the US (and Berlin in 2014), enabled me to inspire others to train for and complete many marathons on their own, and allowed me the privilege to fundraise & encourage others to do so for a favorite local charity.  Had I not started somewhere, and trusting in the process even though I wasn’t always certain of the destination, none of that would have happened.

And here is the biggest secret I want to share….the marathon itself is NOT the most important part of this story.  It isn’t the most important message of my story.  It is the challenge of the limiting belief: “I am not an athlete” that allowed me to more fully acutalize my human potential.  We are more than our beliefs.  We are more than our history.  We are more than the negative memories/concept of self we bring into our adulthood.  We are all so…. much….. more….

So what is your marathon? What are you dreaming of doing but allowing fear or self-doubt or limiting beliefs prevent you from taking the next step?  What are you waiting for to start?

 

It has been said having a goal without a plan is just a dream.  As humans, we have ready-made countless ways to procrastinate:  facebook, twitter, insert social media here, sleeping, etc….  Imagine what you could achieve if you started a daily ritual today and committed to a plan for your dream?

How do you do this?

• Daily ritual (small steps towards your “marathon”, daily)
• Accountability partner/s- someone/s whom you check in with regularly to support you in your process
• Positive messages in your periphery as much as possible (I can do this! messages on your mirror, on your phone, in your wallet, etc.)
• Dream of something that seems unattainable and try it anyway!  Who cares if you fail!  On one’s death-bed, I’m certain we may regret the things we did not do rather than the things we tried, even if we failed in our attempts.

Life is a journey worth LIVING.  Are you LIVING or merely EXISTING in yours?

Would love to hear about your own “marathons” & how you took the “impossible dream” into your reality.

Peace……..

 

 

 

What would you do if you only had a few more hours to live?

It’s 9/11.  17 years after that tragic day.  A day that is etched in history of being a pivotal point in so many ways for Americans and people beyond our borders.  I thought this year, I would take a few moments to reflect on what was lost that day, all the innocent people who were caught in the crossfire of HATE, and all we gained.  Perhaps a renewed sense of patriotism, or appreciation for loved ones, or intent to truly live each day with meaning.  I thought I’d reflect on it…and go about my day.  This year….however, 17 years later….I still find myself tearing up and shaking my head in disbelief that pure evil was this close to all of us collectively….and helplessly there was nothing any of us could do to stop it from coming.

I watched this video of a true hero who sacrificed his own life that day, and is credited for saving 12 others from his office in one of the towers.  As I watched the story on him, I was struck I hadn’t heard his story before, and wondered how many others stories are out there just like his?  How many people, in the face of evil and pain and looming death, put the value of their own life behind that of their fellow co-worker/friend/human?  In the last hours of their life, did they consciously choose to step up and leave a profound legacy, or was it something that came to them from some sort of divine intervention?

On that day, a college roommate/friend of mine was one of the thousands who died in tower 2.  Though I have no idea, nor do I want my mind to even envision what her last moments were like, I wonder how many of us are living our life as if we will have time…..time to prepare for our own deaths?  Time to say goodbye to loved ones?  Time to tie up loose ends?  Time to really experience LIFE while we are on this planet?  Because by all accounts, my friend and college roommate had every reason in the world to stay in this world.  She was beautiful, young, newly married, and beloved by all who met her.  And truly, she was.  Yes, I know…. that is a trite pattern we all are inclined to fall into….remember the deceased in some sort of angelic-saintlike manner when in fact very few among us are actually meeting this criteria.  But Kristi, truly was giving and compassionate and always a smile on her face that lit up the room wherever she went.  And as she started out for work that day, I am certain she never thought it would be her last.

“Be ready as the Son of Man will return at an hour when we do not expect Him.” Matthew 22:44

No one of knows when we will breathe our last breath.  Think about it, on some level we all accept that we do not know when our time on earth will be over, yet how many of us live our lives as if tomorrow is a guarantee?  For a few moments after 9/11, it felt like to me, we all got that.  People treated others differently. There was more kindness, compassion, forgiveness, peace….. as a Nation, we pulled together and our very best is what shined for most of us.  It was as if it was this collective wake-up call.  Show up for others!  Be kind!  Love!  Act now!  What happened?  Where did that all go?

As I sit and write in the stillness of my house, I wonder….. what would my last wishes be if today was my last day?  Would I live differently?  Would I regret choices I didn’t make, or the ones I did more?  Would I feel at peace with my life for the legacy I will leave  behind, or is there still unfinished business for me to attend to in this life?  How do we know when we’ve done, enough? How do we capture that feeling of unity in the time of tragedy to help us in our own journey around the sun?

On 9/11…..thousands of people’s lives were lost, and countless more were forever, undeniably changed.  My prayer….intention….desire…wish…hope….is in their HONOR….we invite their spirit or memory or essence to touch us in a real way, and help us to live our life with purpose and meaning.  Each moment…..as we do not know….when it is our last……

Reach out to a loved one who has wronged you, and forgive.  Strive to live your life with meaning & purpose, and let go of the unfulfilling goal of fame & fortune.  Show compassion and love for the most vulnerable in our world, and stand up for those who cannot do so for themselves.  Commit to Sunday dinners.  Or Friday.  or random Thursday.  Send the email or write the letter.  LOVE YOURSELF and let go of self-hatred.  (whoever you call “god” made you PERFECT the way you are!) Be brave.  Invest in relationships more and material goods less.  Seek beauty in everything- look for it!

If today was your last day…..how would you the world remember you?  If you are reading this….you still have time to live a life worth remembering…….

“Be kind whenever it is possible.  It is ALWAYS possible.” Dalai Lama.

Peace………

Living our own path: reclaiming our own unique voice

Hot.  Crowded.  Mats lined up in rows.  Touching.  Beginning of yoga class, could be any class….this particular morning I sat in the stillness before class.  As the teacher began class, and there were some exchanges back and forth about “any special requests” and for some reason, the experience struck a chord in me.

I would never even say if I had a “special request” if I did actually have one.  My voice is small.  And lives mostly inside my head.  My hips might be throbbing in pain, or my shoulders tight, but would I actually relay this to the yoga teacher in front of the class?  Highly doubtful.  I was actually thinking, where do these people get the confidence to state their needs/wants out loud, without filter, without fear of judgment, without worry? How has my experience been different that I would still, in my 47-year-old self, striving to be assured self, not want to burden others with what I might need, for fear of inconveniencing others. As much work as I’ve done and continue to do on myself, why is taking up space on my mat (or otherwise) met with having to justify my existence in some way?

The class was a blur.  Literally.  I was not mindful.  I was not present.  I was not focused.  I am sure my postures were sloppy and jittery…. I was somewhere else.  Scouring through my brain trying to understand why something as simple as this, was somehow symbolic for my life.  Always putting others needs first.  Not advocating for self.  Not valuing my needs/wants, at least at the same rate as others.  And before I go into the “oh, it’s just my way” as some sort of self-sacrificing angelic way of being, the hard truth is it is more about my not wanting to feel exposed, or vulnerable.  If I don’t ask for what I need/want, then I won’t be disappointed.  That’s awful to even write, but in my purest of heart, I know it is true.  I’d rather just nod, and say it’s all ok, then to really dig deep and say, “um, no it isn’t….” in really any aspect of life.

It is a life-long challenge for me.  And may be it’s a “first world problem” that I don’t really say where I want to go to eat, or voice my disapproval for poor service when we’re out to dinner, or gently pushing back when I feel like I am being mistreated by family members or friends, or…. may be it’s not that big of a deal.  But my concern is this…. it limits my voice. It limits all of our voices, when we self regulate, filter, downplay, withhold, stuff down…what we are really feeling/thinking/experiencing.

I don’t have the answers, I don’t have a solution.  I don’t even have a commitment to self to say, “Self….I am going to commit to doing this to expand my voice and be BRAVE enough to just do it, regardless of the outcome”…it’s true, I don’t have that.  And it is also true I don’t like to write about stuff until I have it somehow figured out in my mind & actually practicing it in my life.  It’s a real, painful, raw realization of the complexities of living in the body of a deeply introverted person, who also knows her path at least in some way, includes writing about/talking about my own life struggles to connect with others whom I am sharing space on this place we call Mother Earth.  I recognize both the desire to honor my life’s purpose (which this is part of it) and the absolute fear of being vulnerable in the process.  I’ve thought about “is it possible to have a voice and share my personal struggles and still be invisible?”  And sadly the answer I have come up with is….No.  Sigh….

In clinical practice, this theme comes up routinely.  Listening to others who continue to struggle with the very same issues I do- we all do!  Living our own purpose…..and may be my own internal struggle allows me to emphatically listen and guide and help facilitate change in ways that I would be unable to do if I was closed to his topic of personal growth.  I can relate in a very clear/emotional/deep moment of the real struggle of wanting to have a voice, while at the same time wanting to be invisible- as in some ways that status is so much easier….. no one sees you, no one knows your inner most thoughts/feelings/desires….and you are accountable to no one.  And yet…we all are to the greater collective with whom we share this space & time.

I was listening to this podcast recently- on the topic of finding our purpose in life.  How often do we feel like we lose our way, or we are living our life because of other’s expectations for us (or perceived expectations), or living a life based on others around us and thinking that is also our path.  And in reality, none of those will ever bring us happiness.  None!  When we are living a life that is not authentically “who we are” ….we will never be happy.  We will struggle with the feeling not good enough or less than- and true happiness and fulfillment will never come from that space. While I understand this on an intellectual level, the struggle comes in with putting it into practice….and what has begun to gently shift it for me was this comment…..

When the author was asked “how do you find your path”….the simple, and so true response was this…. “you don’t need to ‘find’ it, as your path, your purpose, your unique reason for being different from any one else who has ever or will ever be on earth, is in you from the very beginning.  You cannot lose what is in you from the start.”

Wow.

So may be for all of us- it’s about being more fully present- and allowing space for the path- if it has gotten pushed down or ignored for a long time- to find us again.  I believe we get one chance here on earth…and my days may be few or plentiful.  And I cannot change which one it may be.  But what I do have the power to change, is allowing my own voice, in my own way, to be heard again.  And in some ways, if I let go of feeling like I need to know what direction or format that will be, I am allowing for the universe or God or karma or whatever force is necessary to allow my story, my voice, to do what is has always been meant to do.

I challenge all of you who read this today- to allow space for your path to reveal itself.  And to ask yourself…are you living the life you are truly meant to live, or are you living one for others around you?  True happiness is in living your own journey…. unapologetically.

Love to hear your thoughts…. and wishing your continued peace in your journey……

 

 

Spring. An annual reminder of our opportunity to begin…again.

Spring.  In many parts of the world, this is an anual reminder of the evolving & sometimes subtle nod to the living/breathing example of re-birth, or to begin again for our planet.  In Michigan, that can be a nearly daily reminder.  As long-time residents can attest, “spring” on the calendar in no way correlates with the actual weather conditions, but rather as a symbol of hope.  Hope for tomorrow, and our choice/ability to begin again.

And so this Spring, I am also reminded of our own innate abilities to begin again.  Each day.  Can you embrace each day with a sense of curiosity, purpose, and gratitude?  For what has come before this moment, and what is yet to come? When we begin to let go of what we think is supposed to happen in our life, and embrace the beauty of infinite possibilities, we are beginning to release ourselves from the illusion and often frustrated belief that we actually have control over much in our life.  In that awareness, we can open ourselves up to the space of wonder, of inspiration, and intrigue.

A memory emerged over the weekend for me.  In it, I was talking with a friend about my “control issues” and was surprised my friend did not see me in the same light.

What doesn’t outwardly present as a gigantic, blinking neon sign saying “control issues” has presented as an ever-flowing and mostly destructive stream of thoughts going through my head of:

• Are you sure you want to try this?
• You might be really horrible at this, so why try?
• Who do you think you are?
• Who wants to hear your story?

You see it wasn’t in the obvious ways my control would present.  I have seldom had a strong opinion on where we would go to eat or what movie to see or what color throw pillows needed to be out for whatever holiday or season or how to fold the towels “correctly”…..rather my control issues were more focused on my desire to control my image, both personally and professionally.  While I have long had a desire & toyed with the idea of writing a book, I have long envisioned myself doing so after I had it all “figured out”…… A sort of how-to book of:

• See what a peaceful, grounded, happy person I have become!
• Look at my obstacle in life!  Look what I’ve overcome!

In the stillness of the night, I would think…. yes!  Perfect!  I got through all of that and really didn’t have to do the inner work for peace & healing…. as long as I control the outside package, no one will ever know what’s going on in the inside.  Even I so desperately wanted a short cut for life.  Get me to the really good stuff and please allow me to skip the uncomfortable and painful stuff.

Truth is, I’m in the game right along with every single one of your reading this blog.  I am practicing, I am learning, and growing each and every day I am here.  Just like Spring in Michigan, as we blink our eyes open, we are often met with the opportunity of scraping the ice & snow from around our hearts & minds & unearthing that primal desire/need to begin…again…..

I’ve learned in my own journey….we don’t have to do “it” perfectly.  Rather, we have to do “it”….whatever “it” is…. And if we fail greatly in our efforts, at least we are out there attempting to make our own mark, plant our own garden, leave this world perhaps a little better off than when we arrived.

With great apology I tell my 20something year old self, I do not have it figured out yet!  And Yay!  To my 20something year old, I don’t have it all figured out yet!  As long as we are here, we continue to have the opportunity to expand and grow.  We continue to have the opportunity to look at our life as continuous reminders of opportunities to shift and change and learn.  If snow or ice fall on your garden party of life, instead of cursing the unpredictability that Mother Nature can often display, we can choose to soften- to seek out others to help you come up with another plan or to reflect on the lessons failing (Yes!  even failing!) can teach us.

May you find peace in your day, and courage to plant your own garden & seize each day as an opportunity to begin…again……

 

 

Ban on assault weapons isn’t enough to heal the human race.

I support the banning of assault weapons, and the accessories that allow semi-automatic weapons to be turned into fully automatic weapons.  In mid-term elections, I will support candidates who align with my values/morals & beliefs, and do my part to vote out those who do not.  

Phew…. couldn’t type that fast enough in case some were wondering if I, a peace practitioner, my newly-minted title I am playing around with today, had switched sides.

I’ve never understood guns as a means to protect and keep peace.  Guns- hurt & kill.  And as we who study peace, happiness, love, and ways to promote healing in our people/society/culture/world know to be true…the only path to healing hate/anger/hurt is love.  Love is the way.  

Spur of the moment, I decided to go to “1” day of the 41st annual Psychotherapy Networker Conference in DC- mostly because it coincided with the March for Our Lives rally.  There was a moment when it all became clear- personally & professionally why I was there.  Why the stars aligned.  Why I advocated for myself to attend.  How connected these two days were for me.  It was as if every single one of the moments leading up to my leaving- including a retreat with my son’s 10th grade class- was necessary for that “wow” moment to be full realized in my heart/soul.

In a very large auditorium, I listened & participated in some emotionally uncomfortable exercises with the wise & beautiful spirit of Jack Kornfield & the energetic, confrontational, & motivational Tony Robbins.

Have you ever had that moment in your life when you exhaled and thought, yeah….I’m ready for this change, whatever it is, to begin within me?  

Both uncomfortable and resistant forces can rise up to meet this opportunity, pushing it away for another day, another time, another..another that may never happen.

Attending the March, with these courageous & outspoken children/teens…..the harsh reality of “another…..” possibly never happening was hammered home again and again and again.  You might not have another time.

And so…. with slight apprehension, I sat in that auditorium and took a series of deep breaths, allowing whatever was to happen, whatever messages needed to be presented, whatever path needed to unfold in front of me to present themselves.  With brilliant clarity, the recurring theme ~ I saw it.

Ok, not in its entirety- but I know my reason on this earth, is to not only practice & live peace & love in my own life, but to teach others to do so too.  It’s both bigger and smaller all at the same time to what I am already doing.  Smaller in its simplicity but BIGGER in the mission- in my willingness to allow a bigger plan to unfold even if that makes me less invisible, less nameless, less reclusive, less ….less…less.  It’s EASY for me to write.  Both genetics and really great teachers along the way have helped me to learn to express my thoughts through words, but it’s not enough.  It became clear, through the workshops at the conference and the speeches at the March, there is a bigger purpose.

Peace & Love is ALWAYS the answer.  What are the gang members & mass shooters and most violent criminals of the world missing?  If they are not pervasively mentally ill, and many are not, what is missing?  Do they know how to love & find peace in themselves? Do you?  Do they know how to forgive others and the gift it is the PERSON FORGIVING (Not the forgiven)?  Do you?  Do they know there are other ways to resolve conflict rather than resort to violence and firearms?  Do you?  Do they know the power of meditation, of breath work, of exercise, of volunteering and serving others?  Do you?  Do they know that love and peace and tolerance are not a sign of weakness, but rather healing forces available to ANY person who takes time to choose to listen, to learn, to use them?  Do you?

I don’t have all the answers….YET….and actually am certain I won’t have all of them until I take my very last breath and in my belief, am united with all who have come before me- only then will I truly understand the complexities of this earthly life.

However, acknowledging I don’t have all the answers DOES NOT mean I give up and accept the status quo of increasing gun violence, increasing suicidal ideation/attempts/and completions, domestic violence, terrorism, mass shootings, and crimes against our most vulnerable in our world.  It DOES NOT mean I accept trite rhetoric that perpetuates a cultural acceptance of no reasonable solutions or no hope for peace.  Don’t our kids and teens and people of our country and world deserve a minimum to go to places of worship or clubs or schools or concerts and at a minimum not have to worry they will be mowed down by a mass shooter?

If you CHOOSE to study peace & happiness….listen to podcasts, watch documentaries, read, seek….you WILL find there are places in our world that DO NOT have violence like our country.  While many, when asked, will quite readily state money and fame or status correlate to happiness (and peace) and in fact, they would be absolutely categorically wrong.  There is absolutely no correlation.  However, two themes that do closely correlate to happiness & peace are:  a strong connection with others in their community, and purpose/passion for something larger than themselves in life.  We CAN make a difference in our society and culture and country and world…..the question is…. are our actions/laws/intentions supporting an environment of peace & happiness, or one of hatred/conflict?

A later date…I will follow-up on my research for what truly makes people happy…. but in the meantime, if you like me want to continue to learn ways to feel empowered in what is a scary and troublesome time in our history….here are some suggestions for what you CAN do:

• Continue this conversation.  Especially with those who disagree with you.  It is not enough to surround yourself with like-minded people, we need to be courageous and have uncomfortable conversations.  Our future depends on it!
• Vote!  And encourage young adults to register and to VOTE!  It is estimated 22,000,000 “18 year olds” will be eligible to vote in the midterm elections.  Still think teens can’t be a force for change in our world?
• Seek- never stop seeking ways to find inner peace and spread what you learn with others.  Read intentionally, watch with curiosity people, events, stories around you.
• Meditate/pray often and much.  And teach others how to do so.
• Share this blog with others who might need to feel some hope and love and peace in their day.

Wishing you peace in your journey…now and always.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When your “wander”-lust brought a “wander”-ing spider to change your life…..

“What you seek…… is seeking you”……… on my favorite new Spiritual Gangster shirt.

This is what I wanted to see.  This is what I hoped was seeking me.  Calm.  Graceful.  Gentle.  Definition of chill…

This is what found me….

 

A wandering spider in Costa Rica.  Brazilian Wandering Spiders in Costa Rica

Now….before I left for what was going to be, I was certain, a life changing yoga/meditation retreat in the tropical rain forest of Costa Rica, I had several fears percolating in my brain.

• Fear:  Eaten the a similar tiger shark that unfortunately killed a scuba diver off the coast a few months ago.  Solution:  Don’t go diving, or in the water.  Done!  I rarely do anyway.  And it was POURING the entire time I was there, so that was not even a consideration.
• Fear:  Bitten by an eyelash viper or any of the 20+ incredibly venomous snakes in Costa Rica.  Solution:  Don’t go off trails & go with others.  Easy.  I stayed on trails, and when I went to a National Park in the area, a guide showed me said snake, sitting on a branch only a few yards from the park entrance, I stayed as far away as I could & tried very hard to keep my heart rate down as to not panic & cause the snake to feel threatened & then strike at me.  (especially learning the venom can kill a human in less than an hour, and they don’t keep on site because of malpractice worries….what?)
• Fear:  Flying.  Solution.  I have done EFT also known as Emotional Freedom Technique & no longer have a paralyzing fear of flying.  Which is great, since I LOVE to travel!
• Fear:  Spiders.  In my room, in my bed, coming in during the night……..and here is where the change/challenge happens…sorta….

After 2 days of more rain than I’ve ever seen in my life (& I live in Michigan, the cloudiest/most dreary and up there in rain per year states)….. I opted out of going to dinner….and stayed in my room for the night as there literally was nothing else to do.  No where to go for a cocktail, or listen to music…. nothing.  I was starting to have a whole lot of feelings about this “retreat”…. and went to bed exceedingly early, only to wake up in the middle of the night and ventured to my bathroom…..turned on the light and the BIGGEST SPIDER  I HAD EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE WAS HANGING OUT IN THE BATHROOM……ON THE FLOOR…. AND THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE AROUND!

Already feeling pretty darn broken and discouraged from what was to be a peaceful, enlightening experience….I went into full on panic mode.  Screaming.  Holy S—!  What the F___?  OMG!!!!

Running into the other room, I reached out for support, texted and called……from afar as I knew no one where I was….

(& I didn’t have a panic number or person, and little note of advice to the retreat owners…that might be a nice added detail since there are literally very dangerous animals both small and large all around their 20+ acres! )

I ran to the room next door pounding on the door, but apparently the man & woman in the very small adjacent room with only a sliding glass door couldn’t hear me….really?

I talked to my dog friend who had adopted me when I arrived and slept outside my room every night….he just looked on sadly…oh wait that was his resting face just like Layla the Wonderdog back home….

I prayed…and got my rosary…. and yes, that comes into play later….

I contemplated sleeping outside but the mosquitos had already ravaged my entire body and the little bats, although oh so cute sleeping outside my door as well, were a little creepier in the pitch black of night…..

And then…in a message from home-land support, I read the words, you have to kill it.  

I admit.  I was at first pissed.  I so wanted someone else to do what I was terrified to do.  I wanted someone to come in and rescue me.  I wanted the stupid thing to just get out of my freaking room!  But….I knew the words were right.  I had to kill it.  There was no way I could sleep with it in my room.  There was no way to seal it in the bathroom.  There was no one else around to end this battle other than me.

I can say now, I have never been so scared in my entire life!  

I plotted to throw a towel on top of it and throw shoes on it thinking that would crush said spider.  Rookie move.  It came out PISSED and at me!  

I ran out of room again, gathering my backpack & put whatever I could to add weight to it….climbed up to the top of the vanity (& it was really tall, are there giants who attend this retreat center?) & threw a towel on to catch spider, and then threw my backpack directly on top of the spider.  Certainly it was dead.  Right?  NOPE!!!!!  Now…it charged out of the bathroom into the main living space…where I should be sleeping!  Screaming…. I was panicked………full on fear surfaced!

And then…. calm…… I saw a sliding glass door, and a spider that was aggressive but seemed also wanting to get out of the place….so I shoved a desk at him/her (how can you tell?)…. threw a towel….threw my jacked and then he finally quickly exited my room onto the patio where my friendly protector dog was sleeping!!! What?

I pushed him off the ledge with my towel, and prayed he didn’t somehow attach him/herself to it.

OMG.  Seriously….. that is the abridged version…..but I didn’t have to kills the spider (which I really didn’t want to do, I understand it’s role in the rain forrest) but didn’t want to co-habitate with it either.  It was gone……

What I learned:  

• Getting mad at the retreat owner for all the things that did and didn’t happen do not bring me any closer to what was seeking me 
• Sloths are amazingly beautiful, majestic creatures.  And I got to see them every single day.  It was awesome.  But being with them….I realized, I already have peace in my  heart & that is what they symbolize…so that they were not the answer to what was seeking me.  
• That FREAKING SPIDER.   UGH.  He/She was the answer.  What I really need/ed is COURAGE.  For so many things in my life, and he/she showed me that I do have that in me.  What I really was seeking was courage, and what I found, was courage is already seeking me….. 

Stupid spider.

I love Costa Rica.  It is so beautiful and the people overall are so kind. In my processing, I have realized I am no longer capable of “roughing it” and need a really nice place to sleep a night.  I’m cool with that.  And I really do find peace in nature, more than anywhere else in my life (sorry all my Catholic family and friends, it’s true…but I do believe God created all of it, so I think He’s good with my finding peace in His creation.)

Oh, the rosary!!!!!

So….. in my hand, while I was throwing and screaming and jumping around in my room, was my rosary given to me by Mother Angelica, from my time doing missionary work with Side By Side Lay Volunteers…and my scapular that I got when I was making my confirmation (I think?)….same rosary that was with me, and I believe played a role in my safely exiting a role over accident several years back with limited injury.

Weird?

Trauma is still pretty fresh, but I am so thankful I have been able to see….truly see...what I was to learn from this experience. Courage.  Courage is seeking me.

Winter in Michigan never looked so relaxing….

Until next time Costa Rica….until next time…. but in a nice house on top a hill again (first visit) or nice hotel on the beach….

Absolutely!

wishing you peace in your journey..and courage to allow whatever needs to come up, to surface.

Peace….

2018. Be like the lobster.

When was the last time you outgrew your “shell“? When was the last time you allowed yourself to be vulnerable enough to break out of the old shell, to allow your new one to grow & take shape?

In yoga the other day, one of my favorite teachers shared this poignant analogy of lobsters outgrowing their shells, throughout their lifespan, exposing themselves to predators without their natural protective exterior, until a new shell grows.  It’s a natural part of the simple lobster life.  They don’t stay crammed in their ill-fitting shell, allowing their fears to keep them in a space that literally no longer fits them.  Rather, they break free from their old shell & allow space for a new one to grow that fits the new lobster they are becoming.  There is no over-thinking going on in this tiny lobster brain.  Rather, they just do it!  This simple creature seems to be doing it right…. & prompted this blog post.  Hopefully this resonates with others as we say goodbye to one year, and welcome another.

24 years ago I was entering my last semester at the University of Dayton.  While others were anxiously awaiting to learn the status of medical/law/grad school applications, or preparing resumes for their first “real” job, I was studying a booklet containing various mission/volunteer organizations from around the world & the US.  Yes, this was pre-internet era.

But where?  I was first drawn to Madagascar.  Why?  Admittedly, they had lemurs and they were & it was as exotic of a place & animal I had ever dared to imagine.  I also explored Sierra Leone, a small west coast African county where many UD students volunteered post college.  I felt myself outgrowing my shell, even if I didn’t how what the next one was going to look like or feel like. I was outgrowing the safe/predictable/ordinary path I had followed thus far in my life.  I wanted to go far far away….others wanted me to stay closer to home.  I recognized this internal conflict~the internal/true self & external image/ideals are not always in congruence.

My faith/gender/birth order/family dynamic/personality/zodiac sign/ethnicity/education or degree/occupation have all enabled me to be a “people pleaser.”  On the surface, this is an amazing quality, right?  Who doesn’t love to be around someone whose sole purpose in life is seemingly to make others around him/her feel better?  However, we “people pleasers” often operate with such intentions in direct conflict with our own desires/wants/goals being met.  The quality often set us up to ignore and/or turn away from the truths our internal self is feeling or knowing.  If we choose to continue to ignore or suppress the need for a new shell, eventually our body will let us know we need to pay attention….. I’m still learning.

How many times in your life have you felt your internal truth in conflict with what you felt the world wanted or expected you to do? 

For reasons I couldn’t have known & far too complicated & off-topic to explain in detail, my ultimate decision to choose a “safer” volunteer location in the US ended up being the right decision, at the time.  Within a year of my college graduation, my Dad was diagnosed with stage IV cancer, began several years of intensive treatment including 2 stem cell transplants.  Had I gone to Africa, the internal conflict would’ve been too much for me to endure, & somehow God or the Universe seemed to already know this to be true.  Home is where I needed to be.  My whole self.  At the time, both my internal/external self knew this to be true.

And yet…..deep down, that spark, to be something different, to chart my own path, the wanderlust inside me who wanted to see the world and show the world to others, lay dormant/silent for years.

Have you remained in your safe shell, quieting that inner-voice, at your own personal expense?  When are you going to allow internal truth to speak? 

While part of me understands growth and change is not a linear process, & circumstances necessitate we have some flexibility & often have to put pursuits on hold, I’ve become increasingly aware that confident/spirited 22-year-old girl somehow got lost along the way.  While I do not regret decisions I’ve made in life, for they have made me who I am, I do wonder what would’ve happened if I had the courage to make some differently along the way……

The young woman who walked across that stage at UD to accept her diploma from whomever it was giving them out at the time did not worry about:

• what others would think
• snakes/spiders/creepy crawlies
• how to get from point A to point B
• communication with the “outside world” – pre “cellphone” age too!
• much of anything…..

2018.  A new year.  Gives us the opportunity to re-set.  To clear out.  To re-group.  To plan.  To organize. And perhaps, gives us the opportunity to break out of our shell, allowing the space for our new one to emerge.

Who would you become, what would you do, what message is your internal self trying to tell you?  Are you listening?  Is it time to break out of your old shell?  Do you have the courage to do so?  Gather your tribe!  Or better yet, allow yourself to sit in solitude & trust God or the Universe or your internal guide will show you the way……..

I came across this quote years ago.  It has remained a guiding light in my life.

Becoming who we are truly meant to be, having the courage to be vulnerable and break out of our old shells is part of our journey towards finding inner peace.  When our internal and external self are more in congruence, it is in that space we are granted freedom to live fully without restrictions or regret or conflict.

Wishing all of you the courage/confidence/insight to break free from your 2017 (or 1993!) shells and find who you are truly meant to be…..I will be in the jungle in Costa Rica, practicing yoga/meditating/hiking and seeking….. embracing 2018 like an old friend who got lost along the way but was always inside me waiting to emerge.  Can’t wait to show the world this person- who in some ways is way “cooler” than the one the world has been seeing for far too long.

Interested in where the lobster story came from for my brilliant and insightful yoga teacher?  Watch this short video…..

Be the lobster!

Peace & All the Best for 2018!  Phew….we made it through another year…..

 

 

Why an “attitude of gratitude” is garbage. Simple steps to making it your “practice.”

Several years ago, I started posting every day in November messages of gratitude.  While I am cognizant other people mostly see me as a positive person, and I’ve been referred to by clients as “little miss sunshine” and “hippie/peace-loving therapist”…. lovingly, I’m sure….. my outside persona has not and does not always fit what is stirring inside of me.  That scary, dark place as it has been referred to by a dear friend.  As life ebbs and flows, my mindset does as well.  And while I believe this is part of the human condition, I also know from decades of clinical practice, we cling much more readily to negativity than we do to positivity, or in this specific example of humanity, gratitude.

When I started this practice, I was at a crossroads, a tipping point, a shift where I was almost buying into the belief system that I needed to be happy in order to feel grateful.  Sure, on Thanksgiving, like the rest of the US population, and in my prayers, I  would be able to conger up a few ancillary items for which I was thankful, but was I really a grateful person?  Really?  Was I a fake?

More concerning with this logic is the flawed sense of permission I was giving myself to not be grateful because I wasn’t happy and my life as it wasn’t filled with the commercialized ideal of happiness I was inundated with no matter how much I tried to resist it.  You know the list….. I’ll be happy when:

• I have a bigger house
• I have more money
• I lose weight
• I can fit into that “insert item”
• I can run a “x” minute mile
• I have …….
• I am …….
• I ……..

Truth is….none of that is necessary for gratitude, which authentically sets the framework for a happy life.  None of it is necessary.  When we are aiming for happiness in the superficial, we are in essence building our home on quicksand.  Happiness is fleeting.  It is here for a moment, and then gone.  But gratitude, being thankful for the gifts of life- the true gifts of being in a beautiful moment in time, and expressing our gratitude and kindness towards others, that is sustainable and real and genuine.

While November is my outward example and reminder to show others the practice, it is truly something that I practice the entire year.  Yes!  Gratitude is important beyond the month also known as “Thanksgiving” or that other holiday that seems to be forgotten before Christmas or Hanukkah.  Who knew?

So how does one cultivate this practice?  Truly it is a practice.

My conversation in my head looks like this:  I’ll be happy when…

• I have a bigger house.  Auto Correct:  I am GRATEFUL for having a roof over my head, and for the knowledge that it is by grace that I don’t know homelessness or despair.
• I have more money.  Auto Correct:  I am GRATEFUL for having enough, and for the knowledge that money does not buy me happiness.  Some of the greatest joy I haven known, have cost me exactly $0.  Hearing beautiful music, walking in the forest, feeling the sunshine on my skin, and looking into the eyes of my children…. bliss.  More money, begets more things and more things create clutter in my already very active brain and life.  I have enough, and I am grateful.
• I lose weight.  Auto Correct:  I am GRATEFUL I have enough food to eat, and have never known hunger.  And although I am not at the point where it doesn’t affect me at all, I am practicing saying I am enough, exactly at the weight I am.  I am strong.  I eat healthy.  And one day I will wholeheartedly believe those words.  And continue to work on refusing to define my worthiness by what the scale reads.  Ugh.  This one is hard.  It’s a work in progress.  But I refuse to define my worth by what numbers I read on the scale.  I am enough.  I am grateful.
• I fit into that “insert item.”  Auto Correct:  Yoga pants, bikini, fitted dress.  I have a laundry list.  I am GRATEFUL I have acquired a variety of sizes in my life, and have the ability to donate clothes that no longer fit my style (or yes, size) to others who can use them.  Yes.  I donated 3 bags filled!  I am grateful.
• I run “x” minute mile.  I am GRATEFUL for the 5 marathons and over a dozen half and other distances I have run.  I am grateful my body enabled me to get to the finish line, and my brain stayed with my body when I wanted to quit.  I no longer assess my self-worth by whether I run a 10 minute or longer mile vs a 8 minute mile.  I spent years really thinking if I ran faster, somehow it would change my life. Truth, NO ONE CARES.   So why did I spend so much time focusing on it?
• I have….. For me material goods have never been a huge motivator in my life.  And I am GRATEFUL!  It isn’t so much of a mind shift as an acknowledgment that it’s ok that I don’t subscribe to the consumerism that our culture promotes.  I don’t know the trendiest purses, or make up lines, or shoes, or….. and for some time I thought there was something wrong we me, what female in our culture doesn’t know all of that stuff?  Me. I am GRATEFUL, for ignorance in this….
• I am…. enough.  I am GRATEFUL, while there is still so much I want to learn and experience and become, today I am grateful I am enough.  Exactly the way I am, I am enough.
• I …..am GRATEFUL.  For the blessings in my life.  Both answered and unanswered prayers.  Often really for the unanswered ones, I’ve learned the most.  For quiet moments when my mind is still.  For seeing the beauty in the simple – and content in pure moments of peace.  For not always getting my way, and for learning to voice my opinion when it really matters, and learn to compromise when it’s necessary or needed or I must.  For sharing in the struggle and the progress of so many trusting clients…. for being in their sacred space.  For the love my family shows me, and for my learning to allow my faults to be seen (often in a public forum!) and the confidence to no longer be consumed with presenting an image that is acceptable to others….for learning to just be myself.  I am GRATEFUL for the work I’ve done and the work that remains….as there is still life to be LIVED!

Phew…see….. easy.  We can all stay “stuck” in the search for happiness….. but I challenge you, look inside….spend some moments, daily….looking around for all that you have to be grateful for in your life.

If you are reading this blog, if you have a laptop or desktop, if you have a roof over your head, ate too much, too warm…. you have much to be GRATEFUL for tonight.

Peace…. and all the best on your journey of practicing gratitude….

An open letter on Gun Control

Are you a gun owner?  This blog might make you angry and for the first time in a long time, I really don’t care who I offend.  The truth is I have been silent for far too long, so many of us have been, and sitting in complacency allows bad things-tragedies-horrors-mass murders to continue to happen in our world.

Sunday night, my family watched a Netflix documentary on the Boston Marathon Bombing.  It was emotional, seemingly more so than I had anticipated.  My husband & I have both run multiple marathons, and he has run Boston 2x.  That year, he didn’t.  My best friend did, however & I was terrified.  Watchign the video from that day brought it all back, and I thank God every day that my family was ok, and my best frined was not injured or killed.  Others…. were not so lucky/blessed.  I remember going to bed Sunday night thinking, Thank God nothing like this has happened in a while (as I write that, I am totally aware having a standard of “in awhile” is absolutely pathetic and intolerable and unacceptable but that is what went through my mind, that is where we are as a world) …. and then Monday morning I woke up with a text saying “did you hear about Vegas?”

What is going on? 

Are you a gun owner?  Why do you own them?  Do you hunt?  Do you need multiple guns to do that?  Do you need 1000s of rounds of ammo to do hunt?  Do you need semi automatic weapons to hunt?  What is it with the guns that you are willing to allow this to continue for your “right” to “own guns”?  I don’t understand and really, am trying to do so….

It isn’t enough to get involved when you are actually personally affected by violence anymore.  We are ALL affected.  If you go to concerts, church, cafe, clubs, marathons, peaceful protests, school….as I have done ALL of them too…we are all affected.  Vegas.  I could’ve been one in that crowd.  My kids could’ve.  It could’ve been YOU.  Or your kids.  Or your wife or husband or daughter or son or parent or….. is that when you STEP UP?

I cannot imagine this was our Founding Father’s vision when they developed the 2nd Amendment Right to Bare Arms.

How does one manage to purchase 1000s of rounds of ammo?  Was it to absolutely eliminate the “herd” somehow, because that is actually what it appeared he was doing.  Those poor people were all sitting ducks- no possible way to defend themselves.  No idea that going to a concert was going to end their life….. And Why is it necessary to have multiple guns?  Do you just look at them in wonder of their “beauty”?  Please help me, and even more so those who were actually affected personally by gun violence to understand why this is necessary.  Why are we not all – every single one of us in America- shouting from our roof tops DEMANDING reform so this doesn’t happen tomorrow or the next day or the next day?  When are we going to stand up and look at this and say It’s Enough?

I’m one mom of two teenagers, who is terrified for their future.  Why do we live here?  It’s scary to think doing day to day things is now a serious question of “is it really worth it to go to a concert, because I may not come back home tonight…..”

My greatest fear is this will once again just be another “mass murder” and nothing, nothing will change because the NRA and gun lobbyist are too influential and in the pockets of our governmental officials, and we as the PEOPLE of this beautiful nation are allowing this to continue.  We are standing up!  We are absolutely demanding that something MORE be done!

It is NOT ok to wait until you are personally affected to say enough is enough…..Vegas….could’ve been me and it could’ve been you or someone you love, so when are you going to say, enough is enough?

I welcome comments.  Please by both sides, help me to understand why owning semi-automatic weapons is necessary and is it important enough for you knowing that others can also obtain them who “might” act this way in the future….. and for those of you who are feeling similar to me, how to we rally up and do something?  Our future generations need us to find a way to make the change…..

If not now…then when?

Peace……

When did “I’m sad” & “I’m depressed” become interchangeable? They are NOT the same.

Sad & depression are not the same.  They are not interchangeable.  Yet, I am hearing it more and more in clinical practice as “I was depressed, yesterday.” No. No. No.

Sad:  State of unhappiness or dejection or misery.  (Yesterday)

Depression: An illness that involves the body, mood, and thoughts and that affects the way a person eats, sleeps, feels about himself or herself, and thinks about things. Depression is not the same as a passing blue mood (sad). It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be wished away. People with depression cannot merely ‘pull themselves together’ and get better. Without treatment, symptoms can last for weeks, months, or years.  (A clinical diagnosis that persists, not a “feeling” that happens for a day.)

Feelings are a funny thing.  People have very strong opinions about ones they “like” or feel like they’re “good at expressing” (happy/joy) and very clear on ones they aren’t “good” at expressing.  Anger/sadness often fall into this category.  While we CELEBRATE or greet with great EXCITEMENT feelings that are typically deemed as pleasant or positive, as a society/culture we are often not taught that ALL feelings are part of the human experience, and feelings are not good or bad, right or wrong.  They just are.

Take anger for instance.  Oh my old friend anger.  How often does anger show up in clinical sessions with people, often presenting as horribly uncomfortable talking about anger and often feeling guilt about being angry at all.  Parents abusive.  Spouse/significant other abusive. Estranged relationships.  Feeling unloved or not having someone to rely on in the world.  Told ugly, fat, stupid, “insert insulting descriptive term” and yet…still….feeling as if their “feeling” of anger is unwarranted simple because he/she hasn’t been taught how to effectively manage or communicate his/her feelings.  What I often hear is:

• I was told to go to my room, and come out when I wasn’t angry anymore.
• I was told to stop being angry.

And yet, we are surprised people struggle with how to show anger appropriately!

And so feelings are complicated…., I see people shift around in their chair or on the couch, not liking just sitting with their emotions and letting them be.  And like anger, I educate clients that feelings are just as I stated, neither right nor wrong nor good nor bad.  They just are.  Furthermore, they fluctuate.  Much to our chagrin, even the most pleasant feelings are fleeting.  Watching your child walk for the first time, or seeing him/her graduate, or your feeling your first kiss, or watching the sunrise…. fleeting.

“Sad” is this too.  While most of us don’t rush into sadness because we just can’t wait to feel sad, it serves a great purpose for us.  The loss of a loved one, a pet, a broken heart….all of these experiences can produce great sadness.  Palpable emotional experiences, as if our world is crumbling around us.  However, there is a distinct difference between a “feeling” and a “clinical diagnosis” such as depression.

Brene Brown’s book “Gift of Imperfection” describes the importance of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and feel, really feel the emotions that we often try to avoid:  anger/sadness/fear/shame/guilt…..to allow ourself to sit with them for a moment (as I tell clients rather than stuffing them down because they’re too messy or too uncomfortable) because if we are unwilling to do this, we are also inadvertently not allowing ourselves to fully experience joy, happiness, excitement, pride, peace and love.

(YES!  This is not a direct quote, it’s my interpretation in addition to my clinical experience, translated for you in my “peace in the journey” way.) 

Feelings are transient.  They come and go, shift and fade, ebb and flow, move and morph,….they are not constant.

So please…please…. for all of those who truly struggle with depression, please own your sadness & understand it is different from depression.  While you will probably feel better in the next moment, or hour, or day…. people with depression often have that “feeling” for weeks or months or years.

It looks like this….

 

And while we would never liken our random stress or tension or even migraine headache to a brain tumor, hearing one casually state “I was depressed yesterday” in so many ways minimizes the great pain someone who is diagnosed with depression faces daily.

So may be we don’t rush to embrace sadness today, but if we truly understand the connection of allowing ourselves to be in darkness is the only way to come through and see the light…then perhaps the next time sadness visits you, you might welcome him/her like an old friend versus an arch-enemy.

Peace…..

4 Bags. Taking up Too Much Space in My Mind (and Closet)

4 bags.  I went through my closet yesterday and released myself of 4 bags of clothes, belts, purses, and shoes cluttering up my closet, and my mind.  4!

If you were to look into your closet, drawers, plastic bins or under the bed storage containers, how many jeans, dresses, skirts, shirts, belts…. how many things are you holding on to for the “one day this might fit” or the “one day I might have a use for this” occurrence?

As women, how many of us struggle with disconnecting our self-worth with the size of our clothing or the number on the scale?  So how is seeing clothes that do not fit any longer on a daily basis helpful in making this disconnection?

I have played this game for years.  I have moved clothes back & forth as seasons have changed, and brought the same clothes up/down stairs or moved from closet to closet, thinking one day I will fit back into those amazing pair of Ann Taylor dress pants or the Elie Tahari dress I bought for a charity event at my work over a decade ago.  I held on to them because they’re “classics” and I am charmed by the “what if I eventually lose the weight I want to lose”…then I will be able to wear these items again.  That mind-set isn’t helpful & doesn’t serve me anymore.

The truth is this.  As much as I thought having the reminder of how lovely each of these items were, and seeing them in my closets, would help me to eventually “fit” back into them, it actually had the reverse impact and served as a constant reminder of how badly I was failing at losing the weight so I could wear these items of clothing again.  This game I played in my head almost served as a measuring stick for my happiness….if only, if only I could do more than squeeze back into these clothing items, then all would be peaceful & joyful in the world.  It has nothing to do with happiness…but it was a concept I was buying into for years.

So 4 bags.…Gone.  This is how I did it.

First….

(1) Does it currently fit?

If answer is no, then into a trash bag to be donated to charity it went.  No.  Further. Discussion.  None.

If yes, it went into a separate pile for next evaluation….

(2) If yes, does it?

Serve a purpose (like yoga or running clothes) or make me feel good when I’m wearing it?

If yes, then back into drawers or closet.

If the answer was “no”, then into a trash bag it went to be donated to charity it went.  No. further. Discussion.  None.

4 bags.  

My closet is sparse.  My drawers in my dresser are much more organized and spacious.   But most importantly and significant, the negative chatter that would often happen in my brain when I would stare into my closet was silent this morning.

I was texting a friend of mine about my plan the other day, and she said she did the same thing!  And to her surprise, she began to lose weight soon after.  Now, if that happens, AWESOME!  But if it doesn’t…. I still feel so much more at peace knowing I was able to donate 4 bags of clothing etc that no longer served me to charity so someone else may benefit, and I was not constantly being reminded of an arbitrary ideal that I was striving for that truly has NOTHING to do with how happy I am or how successful I am in life.

Today… I sat out in the sun and ordered a few more items to fill the void in my closet that actually will fit me and will fuel my confidence rather than undermine it.  Until there is a day when we walk into the doctor’s office & their first request (after insurance and ID) is “Can you step on the scale please” and clothing stores replace their “sizes” with things like:

 

It’s up to all of us to seek our self-worth beyond the number on the scale and the size printed on the back of our clothing items….

Peace…….

Hustling for Worthiness

On a flight recently across country, I decided in my infinite wisdom to start Brene Brown’s book “The Gift of Imperfection.” If you are not familiar with her work at all…it isn’t exactly “light” reading, and thus I should have known it would awaken some sort of emotions in me.  Trapped in this metal capsule hurdling through the air, and yes that is the best possible way I can describe flying in my opinion, and sharing an uncomfortable finite amount of space….I thought, hey why don’t I explore more of Brene’s research.  Surely this can help me be a better therapist, because after all…I am certain (at this point) I have dealt with all of my own shit……

Gulp.

Quickly it became glaringly apparent I indeed still have my own shit to manage.  At some point, I had tears flooding down my face as I began to delve more in-depth on the subjects of shame & vulnerability, two subjects sure to clear a crowd at any cocktail party!  Although I was familiar with her work from her highly regarded & viewed Ted Talk and appearance on Oprah’s Super Soul Series….nothing prepared me for how reading her written words would affect me.  As someone who feels like she has a fairly secure image of self and likes to believe that she has done her own “work on self”….although I have been gently (and sometimes not so gently challenged on this subject)…her words are a reminder of the importance for each of us to continue to do work on ourselves.  At times, the depth of the pool seems infinite.

As therapists, this can be a horrible experience.  I know I am not alone.  I am being honest.  I would much rather sit in someone else’s story and support him/her, than sit in my own.  I am able to do with no judgment, and I’ve been told and feel a great sense of compassion.  With my own, however…. I desperately want to run from, and have done so literally and figuratively for years.  But as the book so eloquently states, we either stand in our own story and own it, or we stand around it hustle for our worthiness.  

Yuk.

I am reminded of the probably countless times in my life when I have done this.  With friends.  With family.  With boyfriends.  With myself…. Sometimes subtly in what I was/am willing to accept, and sometimes not so subtly in self-destructive behaviors.  To some degree…. so many of us do that what I am describing… instead of sitting in the uncomfortable state of being, we do whatever we can to numb the feelings and wish and hope and pray and think it somehow either isn’t affecting us or will get better…. if only we are “enough”……

There is a huge part of me who truly does walk the walk in what I discuss and research and teach clients.  I fully embrace the connection of mind/body/spirit and a commitment to service.  There is an equal part of me who wants that in its entirety to be the answer to peace & happiness.  I have been talking about this for several years, and for the most part it helps.  A lot!  But what I have found is this….Unless we are really willing to do the “deep dig” as Brene states, and unearth or shine light on the darkness that is within each of us, we can’t truly expect to experience the joy, and happiness and peace so many of us are longing to live.

I am aware that I project a positive and calming energy.  And for the most part, that is true.  But when I tell friends, or write about it, or talk with clients, I am very clear that I work really hard to be where I am.  I don’t wake up every day thinking “wow my life is perfect, I am so grateful.” Rather, there are certain truths I have grown to accept, and certain things I have learned to ignore.  Some are necessary for day to day functioning, some are trivial and not really worth drawing attention to for the most part, but some are in that category of “deep digs” that I really have preferred for years to ignore.  And the truths I have chosen to ignore….that is where the work continues to need to be done.

What truths are you ignoring?

A lifetime of ignoring behavior, part of me thinks I could have chosen to do so forever…..  Endlessly seeking the quick fix…the medical intervention in the hopes (though given little) that my daily struggle could be resolved without my having to really do work……However, I was prompted to finally do, again, another dive, after my publicly discussed 8+ year struggle with chronic pain….

Wait, what?   I am sure most who are still reading this blog are thinking…what on earth does my chronic pain have to do with hustling for worthiness?  For nearly a decade, I have been to countless doctors/medical professionals/practitioners seeking help to alleviate chronic pain I have.  From the traditional to the obscure, from the inexpensive and quick fixes to the extraordinary investment in both time and money, from the strictly medical model to the eastern medicine perspective…I have explored what I thought was it ALL!

Chronic pain is a difficult subject for those who haven’t experienced it to understand.  And while I am cognizant in the fact that I’ve become really really good at hiding what is really going on inside, our bodies keep the score.  We can push shit down for a while, but at some point, as if it’s our bodies internal gauge of saying “hello…. don’t ya think you should deal with this stuff?”, at some point it becomes necessary to address.   From a professional perspective, I know the human condition= shit.  Some glorious days, some tragic.  But we do not exist in the human condition without having collected some clutter or debris or trauma along the route in life.

My clinical self knows this.   I know this!  I am a master of getting clients to look at issues from this lens, and although intellectually I understand I am not immune or separate from others experiences, a part of me truly bought into the belief that my pain was purely physical.  And why wouldn’t I?  Not one, NOT ONE!  Doctor (until now) ever even explored this possibility.  Not one.  I really wanted it to be physical for the most part, because if it was…I could do a procedure or treatment or take a pill or do an exercise or get a specific massage or stretch the pain away.  If it was physical, then I didn’t have to address the “deep dive” issues we all have brewing beneath the surface….However, in nearly a decade…. (I am repeating so you understand the inherent absurdity  I can see now)…. I have had very little relief.  Little.  And somehow, at 46 years old, this was to be an acceptable truth I must live with though there was not clear physiological reason for my pain.

So…. about 2 months ago…. with great humility, I hit my rock bottom.  I looked in the mirror and questioned if I could live the rest of my life-like this.  Sobbing….I couldn’t envision looking at myself at 56…or 66….or….knowing the pain would still be present.  I just didn’t know if I could endure it for much longer……That’s scary!  And in the moment I felt I was at my weakest…..a path I couldn’t have anticipated unfolded in front of me.

I was running from the pain.  Sometimes literally (or attempting to do so) and more often figuratively, and what I so passionately did not want to face was the source of the pain. Yet…..Every day.  When I woke.  When I went to bed.  When I sat in sessions with clients.  When I went on vacation….. drove in the car.  Did yoga.  Sat with my kids watching movies.  Ran.  Pain was there.  If not physiological in origin, than it was emotional….and if I didn’t want to acknowledge it, my body would continue to send me messages….texts…emails…sirens….. billboards….until I listened….

What are you running from?  What are you trying to turn away from and hope/wish/pray it will one day just go away? 

Ugh…..Right?

How could I not see this?  And equally important, why did NO one in the medical community ever even ask me about this or pursue this connection?  No one!  There is actual data and science to support this…it isn’t quackery, yet as a society, we are so conditioned to only look for physical (when pain or chronic conditions present) as if that is the only part that matters or influences our beings….8+ years no one addressed with me, and thought my existing in chronic pain was acceptable.

With great joy, I am here to report that I am finally seeing the connection.  Finally having some relief….and having some peace in my inner self to match that exterior I so readily project to the world.

While I cannot fully explain the path that I am embarking….though one day I truly hope not only to be able to explain it but to offer to my clients (and the world! hey, gotta think big!) I am so grateful to have someone finally giving me hope.

But the key is this…. truly…. we all have somethings that we hide from the world.  Thoughts.  Memories.  Truths.  And if we keep them from the world and don’t examine/process/deal with them…we inadvertently provide the perfect environment for shame to grown and flourish.  And in contrast, when we talk about it…when we step into our own truths and own our stories….when we are vulnerable….we take control back and no longer are governed by shame and guilt and hustle to feel worthy……

LIBERATING!!!!

Final thoughts…can you get to this space to accept as your new truth?  

“You are imperfect, permanently & inevitably flawed….and you are beautiful”   author?  who knows on the internet, really…but what an amazing place to be…..

Peace…..

 

Omg. What if I fail? Lessons in vulnerability & learning to be let go of the outcome

Last week I had the great opportunity to meet with a junior in High School for “career day,” discussing what I call my “day job” as a clinical social worker/therapist.

I found myself bubbling over with enthusiasm because I really LOVE my job!  I was able to discuss with confidence the industry, and pros/cons and realize it is the security and stability of doing a job for 20+ years that affords one this ability to discuss with such ease.  I don’t worry about whether or not I’m a good therapist or filling my caseload because I have had years to work on being the best therapist I can be and am in an environment that supports my growth in the field.  The known feels all warm and comfortable and fabulous!  For many, it may seem like “enough”…but my curiosity and slightly anxious energy has long known while I LOVE what I do every single day, this isn’t my only or end path…there is more out there….almost on cue she says….

“oh I heard you are also doing something else ‘online’ and wondering what that is all about”….

(Ok…it wasn’t exactly like that but something close to it)

With the pride of a new momma showing off her new-born child (ok, ok, slightly dramatic?), I opened up my laptop and showed her my to-be-launched online program, designed to help women live more peaceful & happy lives, by combining mind/body/spirit and a commitment to service.  I scrolled through the website, talking about the concept and the origin and the how I developed the program ….and it was then that she complemented me on the said she hoped it worked out and good luck!  For a moment I thought….

OMG!  Wait, what?  What if Strong Peaceful Women fails?  I don’t have another back up plan for my non-day job!  And really, so many people know I’m doing this!  What if I fail? 

I sat for a moment….and then this came to me….

It doesn’t matter.  

It doesn’t matter if it fails.  It doesn’t!  Yes, I hope that it is succeeds because I and my business coach have put SO much time into it….& really putting your “stuff” out into the world can be really freaking scary!

When I started writing this blog a few years back, I was terrified!  I was somewhat obsessed with what it meant if only a few people read/like it, and for a while was more connected to the external approval than my internal need/desire to write.  Then…at some point, I remembered why I started writing (because I love it!) and my consistent practice of writing was enough.  Getting my messages out, and practicing being vulnerable and having the courage to write about very personal struggles and the way I work through them and help clients to do in clinical practice, was enough.

I was scared when I left my position as a director in a non-profit to be a full-time clinical social worker.  I was scared to leave the security of a regular pay check and paid vacation & the comfort of knowing what I was doing after doing a job for over a decade.  I questioned my decision in the beginning….until I stopped focusing on what others thought I should be doing, and focused on what I wanted to do with my career.  I love the freedom to practice how I intuitively believe is effective for my clients and to create my own schedule and explore writing and story telling and researching the concept of peace…and the practice of what I do became enough.  Having a title of “Director” didn’t matter as much as doing the work that I felt I was called to do.

So if the universe isn’t ready for Strong Peaceful Women, if the message somehow doesn’t resonate via the internet, if what I do in clinical practice in the privacy of my office doesn’t translate over a web-based program, then it doesn’t……

It doesn’t matter.

When we remove ourselves from the need to control the outcome, and focus more on being the absolute best we possibly can at what we do, that is enough.  If you know/like Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters…he explains it in this link absolutely perfect (with a whole lotta expletives!!!)

Dave Grohl 10 Lessons

The fear of the unknown can be paralyzing if we let it.  I’m finally at a point in my life where I refuse to let fear prevent me from living.  Not just like “oh yeah, I’m taking another breath so I guess I’m living” type of living… I mean

PUSHING MYSELF OUT INTO THE WORLD AND EMBRACING/DOING/EXPLORING/THINKING/SEEING/LOVING/EXPERIMENTING IN EVERY SINGLE WAY POSSIBLE!

What if tomorrow never comes for me, I mean it can happen, right? We all know stories like that, and what if I had this “idea” to develop what I think is the BEST comprehensive wellness based program for women but I played it “safe” and just let it stay in the safety of my thoughts?  What good is that? I’ve never heard anyone say on their death-bed “Wow, I wish I would’ve played it safe more in my life!”

Years and years ago…..I dreamt of backpacking around Europe before I got a “real” job……

A master’s degree, 3 jobs, 2 kids, numerous cats, dog, 2 houses….and many many other events ago.  And I never did it.  The fear & life got in the way……

Here is to no more “back packing around Europe” regrets!

So I’ve put everything I possibly can into this program and believe with all that I am that it is amazing and can be life changing for women….

and if it fails to go “viral”……I will be no less proud for having the courage to do it!

So what are you thinking about doing?  Do you have the next “paper clip” or “white out” or “ornamental things you put on crock sandals” things inside of you just waiting to be discovered?

Get out there & do it!

Peace……

Exploring your true self for the answers….

This is not a pity party…..

For 8+ years I have lived each day with chronic pain, specifically piriformis syndrome.  I have written several times about it, not only explaining how the syndrome presents (literally a pain in the a–), but more specifically how to cope with chronic pain.  Today, my perspective changed….

I understand most cannot imagine what it is like to live with chronic pain.  I understand if you look at me, it is easy to assume because I don’t look “sick” or look like I’m “hurting”, it would be easy to assume that may be it has ceased? However, as I embarked today on yet another chapter in my journey towards finding “peace in my journey” with my pain…I realized somehow, like many of you reading, I have accepted this “pain” (for some of you, the “pain” may represent something entirely differently….. issues with family members, illness, financial issues, etc.) and have found the coping skills to accept the pain as just part of who I am.  I have adapted many aspects of my life, especially the depth to which I am able to continue my distance running, in relation to how much pain I am in or how much effort I am able to put into addressing the said pain.

But today…. something clicked for me.  Perhaps it isn’t about doing more, it’s about doing less?

I have, in no particular order, done the following in attempt to alleviate my pain.

 

• High dose anti-inflammatory injections- temporary partial relief
• Physical therapy- very little relief
• Active release technique – see above
• Epidurals – nothing!  Stopped at 2/3 doses because no effect
• Chiropractic- nothing
• Acupuncture- some relief
• Deep Tissue Massage – some relief
• Essential Oils- some relief to calm and soothe pain
• Many, many, many doses of motrin – awful for liver, and temporary relief
• Muscle relaxers- momentary relief and cannot function on this
• Pain killers (brief stint…scary road to go down for me) – don’t get me started
• Gave up running (for nearly a year)- awful.  awful.  awful.  no impact and miss terribly.
• Yoga (on going) – helps in mind, body, and spirit
• Surgeon to explore surgery options- thank goodness he said no way!
• Sports medicine doctor- did epidural – no relief
• Foam Rolling – on going…. no results yet
• Nutrition counseling to address inflammation issues (new, ongoing) – tba
• Elimination Gluten/dairy (inflammation issues- new, ongoing) -tba
• Stretches (on going)- see foam rolling
• Guided Meditation- helps to take mind to another place for a few moments
• Brainspotting – yes….some relief.  www.brainspotting.pro
• EFT – continuing to explore, nothing yet….
• Gong Meditation – interesting…. some sensation, still pursuing
• Sat on tennis ball (yes, sometimes I do this) – awkward.
• Cranial Sacral Therapy (new….. )   – verdict still out

So Cranial Sacral therapy is the newest, and one I am sure most haven’t heard of www.craniosacraltherapy.org and a considerable amount who read this may not subscribe to the concept.  However, look at my list…. can anyone who reads this honestly tell me that I haven’t given Western medicine a chance at helping me live a life pain free?

Perhaps it isn’t about physically releasing the pain, but acknowledging the pain, thanking the pain for giving me the information (to be determined what that is) so that I can address issues in my life that may be I’ve been ignoring?  Not prioritizing?  Procrastinating?  Missing?

The practitioner asked me “who takes care of you?” Gulp.  As a mom, who is also a therapist, I am ever present in this role.  With my immediate family, extended family, friends, and clients…and while I LOVE that I am, and feel blessed that others trust me with sometimes very personal and difficult situations, I am becoming cognizant of my own neglect in making sure I put myself first, so that I can do what I love, nurture and minister to others…..

I preach it. DAILY!  I do mean daily.  But hearing this message several times over the past few weeks, in conjunction with the connection of my chronic pain that is seemingly stumping western medicine docs (I read recently it typically lasts up to 3-4 months.  I nearly fell over, as mine has been over 8 years!), I am committed to fully embracing all that is quirky, all that is spiritual in nature, all that is “non-western” and addressing the connection of the mind/body/ and spirit in relation to my physical health.  I feel empowered!  Truly it is a strange, unknown, deep pool of OH MY GOD what am I doing but somewhere I feel like it is EXACTLY where I need to be.

(Not me…but how I feel)

 

So my parting message today…. be open in your path towards peace, as your journey may take you not where you plan, but exactly where you are meant to be.

Peace…..

Time to go beyond the “Reef.”

(image courtesy of Disney studios……My oldest son informed me one can get in trouble for not stating where they got images from on the internet.  Yikes!  Will do going forward…..)

Have you seen Moana?  I highly suggest!

(When I started writing this blog post, it was still in theaters and admittedly this has sat in draft form for almost 2 months….significant in many ways & related to this post.)

Moana.  A strong female lead, beautiful animation, a great story of going beyond our perceived limits to see who we are truly meant to be, and music by Lin-Manuel Miranda! (aka “Hamilton!”)  The night before my oldest returned for college after a very long winter break, we created a new “New Year’s Eve” tradition, and went to a movie & Chinese food.  I’m hooked.  Might be a must-do going forward.

Moana.  The tale of a young girl who is soon to be Chief of her tribe, learning to, literally and figuratively, go beyond the reef to discover who she really is meant to be.  Should she leave the comfort and ease of her Polynesian island life to see what else is out there for her, or stay where she is safe and she is surrounded by all people & things she knows and trusts?

When I first saw the movie, I was focused on the character of Moana & her struggle, but as I reflected on it (and listened to the soundtrack, as it’s amazing) I recognized the power of the duality of the message in the film:  Moana, pushing herself “beyond the reef” to find who she is really meant to be, & The Chief (her Dad) struggling to let her go……

How many of can relate to “Moana?” Searching for her path. Searching for more meaning.  Searching for purpose. Searching for things and people to challenge you and help you to grow?  All awhile acknowledging a desire for roots?  How many struggle with realization of visceral fear of settling in life versus really living life?

How many of can relate to “the Chief?” Fully aware of the duality of a parental role of raising children strong enough to let them go & confident in their ability to thrive, yet on a primal level terrified of launching them into the life unknown?  Sending both messages of Go! Explore! Challenge yourself! Yet….. Don’t go too far!  Don’t be reckless in your exploration!  And Be careful and take loving care of yourself as you meet challenges known and yet to reveal themselves to you?

Many times in my own life, when I see patterns of messages reveal themselves from a myriad of directions, as if the Universe is telling me “Wake up!  This message is for you!”  While my journey may be different from those whom I am hearing the “message” from, the core meaning behind the message is a Universal Truth.

No matter our age, no matter our status in life…..until the very last breath we take on this earth….our JOURNEY is still unfolding.  And we may resist, we may ignore, we may try to deny…or we may embrace and just BE in the moment and allow yourself to follow what we already inherently know in the depths of our soul.  It is in the realization, that we are free. It is in sometimes going “beyond our reef” where we find our true selves.  Whether we are Moana or Chief, we cannot know what we are capable of if we stay in safety, in self or those we love around us.

Easy, right?  Oh I remember, when I was young, I thought at my age, (45, gulp!) I’d have it all figured out.  I thought yep, this is the end of the journey and life just is.  How incredibly wrong and naive I was.  I don’t even know where that concept came from, truthfully, I just remember thinking the wonder and curiosity in life was something that you had as a young person, and clearly some old 45+ year old person was void of that curiosity and wonder and had a life and that was all it was.  NOW, that I am in that decrepit age group, I realize, life is a constant journey of wonder and curiosity, unless we forget that it is.  And perhaps we “forget” when we become so set on staying “Inside the REEF” that we forget there is an entire world beyond?

For those of you reading who have college age or beyond (or soon to be college age) kids, I assure you this is such an interesting space to be in.  Terrifying yet fascinating.  Beautiful yet wrought with such an unpredictable pattern of highs and lows no amount of preparation or parenting books will ever be able to prepare you for what it feels like….. Yet all awhile you are in this space, you TOO are actually that person you are watching go through his/her own exploration beyond the reef.  Why did no one tell us this?  That while we are watching our own children go through their journey, we TOO are STILL figuring out ours?

Ok, have I terrified all of you reading yet?  Especially those who may not have children or have young ones?  Let me leave with a few amazing thoughts I have learned through this part of life’s journey…..

• It’s truly ok and wonderful….even in the midst of uncertainty…. just being in the moment and realizing most of what we experience in life is truly temporary and life has a way of working itself out if we let it.  Just be patient.  And may be say a few prayers or offer up some positive energy along the way….
• Sharing your own journey is one of the most liberating thing in life to do.  Both with your kids (college ones especially) and others.  Vulnerability has the amazing power to bond us to others.
• Not having all the answers and seeing a clear path is ok.  Share that with your young ones.  It is in the unknowing that we truly learn to live and see our path!
• No one has it ALL figured out.  No one has a PERFECT life.  No one is totally CONFIDENT all the time.  And it is in our struggle that we see our own STRENGTH.
• Staying in your comfort zone, will never bring you the growth you are meant to experience.  In life, growth and progress is beyond that REEF, not within in.

 

Would love to hear where your journey beyond the reef, perhaps for you or your journey in parenthood, continues to take you…..

Peace…..

 

 

Cats are Big Ole Jerks…& other necessary truths we must accept for a more joyous holiday season

Oh yes. Yes….I said it.  Cats are Big Ole Jerks.

How many times do you find yourself distraught, frustrated because the truth that is staring us in the face is just too unpleasant for us to accept?  The holiday season is the perfect breeding ground for this as we strive to achieve some ideal that is thrust upon us from the media, our family historical memory, or some conjured up fantasy of how things “should be.”

So this year, I thought I’d try to make it simple for you and post my top list of “truths” to help you have a more peaceful and happy holiday season. Hope you enjoy!

• Egg Nog is not a yummy drink.  Truth!  How many times have you bought the carton of gelatinous substantive beverage, only to pour one glass and try to choke it down….perhaps even pouring some adult beverage in it in attempts for it to be more palatable…only to leave it on the counter….getting warm….finding it the next day…pouring out the rest of the glass…and then letting the rest of the carton sit in your refrigerator for the remainder of the season until you pour out the rest after it has expired?  Why do we buy it?  Why do we not accept the truth that it simply is gross & perhaps there is a reason it is only available one time a year?
• No one is really going to remember if you don’t send out holiday cards this year.  Truth!  I know. I know.  You all have bought into the Hallmark philosophy (ok, now the snapfish or tiny prints) that YOU MUST SEND CARDS out to every single person you have any sort of interaction with from the beginning of time, but really…do you? Yes, it is FANTASTIC to see photos of your little peeps as they are growing, or you adorable pets….but if it is indeed causing you stress to get the perfect photo to upload to your now “every card must be a photo card” site, they ask yourself….why am I doing this?  Is it because I believe it is a necessary part of how I celebrate my holiday season, or am I selling out to the commercialization of the holidays?  Why do we not accept the truth that “holiday cards” is something modern-day humans have self-imposed & truly it has nothing to do with the degree to which you faithfully, or joyfully celebrate the holiday season?
• You do not get a medal by wearing yourself ragged during the holiday season.  Truth!  Believe me, I have looked at the end of many-a-holiday season and I have not found one waiting for me.  The baking, cooking, card assembling/addressing/stamping/sending (see above), cleaning, purchasing, wrapping, driving, etc….does not yield a reward if at the end we have overdone it and end up sick or screaming at our kids to enjoy the freaking holiday rather than enjoy the beauty of the season…… So what you can let go?  And why can’t we accept the truth that the holiday season is not intended to be some competitive sport stealing any sort of joy from you or your family at the finish line?
• You WILL forget something.  Truth!  A stocking stuffer, a necktie for Great Uncle So & So, The Christmas Tree Butter (or may be you have looked EVERYWHERE & can’t find it at any stores!), the phone call, the card (see above), the perfect ribbon.  Your holiday will not, no matter how hard you try, be perfect.  So let it go!  Enjoy the chaotic mess that will ensue in your home & all the homes you travel to this season, and realize you are human, and will no matter how hard you try, forget something. And why are we so reluctant to accept the truth that holiday gatherings are about the people we are with, not the tokens we bring or the hoops we went through to obtain them?
• Cats are BIG OLE JERKS.  Truth! Oh yes, I did….I said what we are all thinking.  Now before I get hate mail, let me state I have had cats my entire life!  And I love them.   I have had Ritches (aka the Senator- aka the BEST cat ever!), Winnie, Zoe, Nala, Raine & Charlotte.  And I love, love, love animals.  But the sooner we accept that cats do what they want when they want, the better off we will all be.  During the holidays, especially, they are mischievous little beings who get into our baking supplies, attempt to unwrap presents under the tree, hit and break family heirloom bulbs, bat at things on the floor that they’ve found in the middle of the night waking up the whole house with their shannigans, and my all time favorite….climb up your Christmas trees just to piss you off!  Yes, they are cuddly when they want affection (and only then), yes they are cute…but failing to acknowledge they other aspect of them creates more distress for us, and fails to give them credit for things they are really, really fantastic at doing!  Why don’t we accept the truth that they are indeed, not dogs, and that is ok….they were never meant to be!  So….. place ornaments wisely on that tree, less they teach you a lesson!
• Lastly……People are who they are.  Truth.  Absolutely the hardest one to accept.  I sit in my office in clinical sessions with clients tearfully struggling with wanting family members to be more than quite frankly they are possibly able to be.  Especially during the holiday season.  Yes, we have all bought into “It’s a Wonderful Life” version of what Christmas or the holiday season is supposed to be like, for many (or most)  it isn’t.  While I fully believe people are capable of great change in life, else I’d be out of business as a therapist, we need to be careful not to expect people to change to how we think they should be.  Most people, even those who frustrate, and sometimes hurt us, are doing the best they can.  It is freeing to us, allowing us to truly have a more peaceful & happy holiday season when we remove the expectation that our family is going to be any different this holiday season than they’ve been any other time in the past.  So if they’ve been distant, late, come without a dish to pass, drink a bit too much, don’t say thank-you…. anticipate they probably will do that again this year…and MOVE ON.  Listen…I’m not saying put up with crap from people who are abusive or toxic, but if people are a disappointment because they aren’t meeting your expectations of who they should be…perhaps you need to check yourself & ask yourself why they need to live as you see fit?  Why do we fail to accept the truth that people are imperfect, and we are all (for better or worse) just trying to get through the day and doing the best we can?

Holidays can be stressful…They can be disappointing…They can be exhausting!   If we let them be!   This year, I hope all of you find time to truly relax…and enjoy the beauty of the holiday season and remember that while each & every day we get to choose our attitude we bring to the day, the holiday season is no exception.  Choose peace.  Choose joy.  Choose happiness.

Peace & Happy Holidays……

 

 

What if you aren’t feeling in the holiday spirit?

“Tis the Season to be jolly”…..but what if you aren’t feeling JOLLY?

Illness.  Death of loved ones.  Break-ups.  Job stress.  No job.  Conflict in family of origin.  Living far away from loved ones.  Being alone.

There are a myriad of reasons why we might not be “feeling it” this holiday season, but what do you do about it?

There is endless pressure to just be happy….I contend that all feelings just are, and none better or worse than any others & all should be able to exist, even if it interferes with everyone else’s holiday plans.

These are “4” of my top ways to help yourself navigate through the holiday season even if you aren’t feeling so celebratory.

• Mindfully, gracefully, gently acknowledge where you are & be ok with just getting through your day if that is all you have in you today.  Ask a friend to talk.  If you don’t feel like you have a confidant, know you have the strength to get you through whatever hardship or heartache you might be facing.  You are strong! You will find your inner peace.
• Practice yoga.  Run.  Walk.  Do something to move your body.  If you feel like sleeping for 12 hours straight, great!  But get up the next day and know if you are to get through, you need to move your body to allow the vessel to get you through even the most difficult of times.  Your are strong!  You will find your inner peace.
• Connect to your spirit side.  If you have a particular faith practice, now is a great time to embrace!  If you don’t, try sitting quietly, with or without music, and simply following your breath in/out, allow your inner self to guide you to your next chapter.  You are strong! You will find your inner peace.
• Do something for someone else.  It’s so easy to do ESPECIALLY this time of the year, but anytime we are feeling too much of our own stuff, find a way to reach out to others and lose yourself in service.  It is simply the absolute best way I know to help us re-group and re-ground.  Carry “blessing bags” with you and hand them out to homeless in your area (include:  snacks, hand warmers, hats, gloves, socks, toothbrushes/paste, etc.).  You are strong.  You will find your inner peace.

Holidays can be really difficult for everyone.  In clinical practice I brace for it every single year because it brings up “stuff” for everyone.  But when you are going through our own personal stuff on top of everyone else’s around you, I implore you to (a) just allow yourself to feel it for as long as you need to ….and then remember, even the darkest of days will pass if you use the above to navigate your own path…….. even if it seems terrifying to imagine.

You are strong.  And you WILL find your inner peace again.

Peace, and Happy Holidays Everyone.

 

 

 

What does a month devoted to gratitude do to a person?

Each November, for the past several years, I have devoted the month to posting daily all at least one entry on gratitude.  I am happy I have inspired others to do the same.  What started as a small little reminder for myself has turned into this November Gratitude Practice that has been the perfect backdrop to start my holiday season.

It’s hard, sometimes, however….To practice anything daily, truly.  While I aspire to meditate, practice yoga, juice, and write, “life” and all the expectations that each of us has upon us becomes a distraction and a struggle to balance sometimes what we would like to do, and what we must.  The lines can be blurry.

How do we decipher what is something we would like to do, or something we must do?  How do we determine if this is something we truly want to do, or something others are placing upon us?

What feeds our soul?  What helps us to feel more whole, furthering our life journey in a positive space?  Are all of our “should do’s” something that we really “should do” or simply someone else’s expectations of what he/she thinks we ought to be doing with our life? Wanting with our life?

I can say with absolute certainty, the practice of gratitude is a gift.  When I am the most at peace in my life, I am focused on all that I have vs all that I think I should have. With the inundation from advertising on TV, or in magazines or on social media, it can be a struggle to focused on gratitude for what we do have in our life.

I spent the last 3-4 years of my 93-year-old grandmother in law’s life, driving her around on Thursdays from place to place as she could no longer drive.  We would chat about current events, politics, my children, faith, and life.  In the last year, I felt almost compelled to ask her to tell me stories about her childhood, her life during the Depression, and her marriage and raising of children.  She had a very simple life.  She never wore glamorous ball gowns, or traveled to exotic locations, or ate at fancy restaurants.  Yet, she was so thankful for the simple pleasures in life….homemade cookies, standard coffee with cream, and handwritten cards or drawings from kids.  Every holiday, one would think I had made the most spectacular meal or had the fanciest of decorations as she was always, always, always so thankful and complimentary for my efforts.  Almost overly so.   I cherished every moment I had with her, and felt like it was in some way God’s reminder to me to be grateful for all that I have, instead of yearning for what I think I should want based on other’s lives.  She never once said to me “I wish I had more in my life”….rather she expressed such gratitude, always with me.  A woman who grew up in the Depression.  With so little.  Was yet so grateful.  

“I am grateful for what I am and have. My thanksgiving is perpetual.”

Henry David Thoreau

 One of the greatest compliments I have ever been given is the observation of my grateful spirit.  I remember when this first came up in a discussion, I felt both humbled and embarrassed.  Very opposing emotions….. humbled because I really do feel grateful for all that I have in my life….like Grandma. Yet  embarrassed as it seemed almost to be (although I am quite sure not intended to be) a reminder of how my sense of gratitude and at times aversion to the over-emphasis of consumerism and worldly goods that others covet somehow separates me from my peers.  It is not said in judgment, rather observation that my peace does not come in things, and the secret is…… nor does anyone else’s…..

I remember hearing a story years ago of a man who was obsessed with all things shiny and new and gadgets and trinkets and baubles and…..always yearning for more.  Never satisfied with what he had, and always, always wanting more.  Depressed….he went to talk to his closest confidant, he was instructed to gather all that he had, place all his most valued possessions on his bed and surround himself with his “things.”  As you could imagine, his bed was covered from side to side, and up to the ceiling with his “things”, hardly leaving a space for him.  He stood looking at all that he had, crawled into the bed with his “things” and was asked to think about how he felt being surrounded by all that he deemed as valuable.  A mountain of “things” surrounded him.  Embarrassed, he realized he felt nothing…..for he finally realized although he had amassed a mountain of “things” in his life, not one or all of them could truly do anything to bring him happiness….. for without a grateful spirit, we can never be truly happy………

Naturally having at grateful spirit, and knowing these real life and “stories”…. I admit it is still challenging to truly live a life of gratitude.  Over the past few months I feel like I have been tested.  I have been reminded of some of the worldly things that others have, that I currently don’t and may never have.  I have learned of people who choose to not be in my life, for reasons I understand and some I don’t.  And for a moment….. Ok, sometimes more than a moment…. I am just like anyone else set back into a place of wanting more.  Yet the moment I move into that space, I can feel myself, my true authentic self, slipping away and being replaced by someone I not only don’t know, but someone I truly don’t want to know.

So what to do?  What to do?  what to do?

This holiday season….start simply with….

• Continuing (or stating) the practice of acknowledging at least one thing/person/etc for which you are grateful for each day.
• Seek out ways to give of yourself in small or large ways in your community.
• Make a “blessings bag” (filled with snacks, hats, gloves, toiletries) to give to those in need on your day-to-day travels.
• When making a “wish” list, be humble.  Consumerism will never bring you joy!
• Volunteer.  At local soup kitchen.  In your faith community.  At your children’s school.  At your local animal shelter.  Give.
• Invite neighbors/friends over for the holidays if they have no where else to go.  Open your heart, and your home.
• Ask yourself how having “said item” will truly make you happy.  Are you sure it will?  Or are you buying into the marketing genius of another?

 

While I am so happy that I started this practice years ago, this year I was really challenged and reminded it is not an exercise just for November…. in order to truly have it be life changing, and to find a place of peace and joy….we must remember to practice gratitude daily.  No matter what is going on around us, let our hearts be filled with love and gratitude.

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”

John F. Kennedy

Peace………

 

 

Excuse me, have you seen my peace? I seem to have misplaced it.

In 2 months, I have written in my blog twice.  While I am still writing in other necessary forums, my focus on this has been minimal.  A fact that is disconcerting to me on many levels.  From the onset of this blog, this was a place for me to not only share with others my personal journey towards peace, but a way for me to process my barriers or challenges in my journey.  It is both altruistic and personally cathartic.  Perhaps someday it will just be for altruistic reasons, perhaps when I reach nirvana?

 

No.  Not “that” Nirvana….

I sat down in meditation today, made myself sit down in meditation to start my week off as I had been promising I’d do for weeks.  Accompanied by my trusty companion, Layla the Wonderdog, I sat in quiet as I re-set for my commitment to incorporate meditation into my daily practice.  At first my thoughts were wild, a dancing tapestry of to-do’s, worries, regrets, must accomplish and wishes…..until my breathing and my mantra for but a few brief moments quieted the nonsense that erodes at my ambition & peace.  For a few moments, I could see in my mind the unnecessary debris floating away from me, off into the distance.  Like the last autumn leaves breaking free from their grounded earthly form, they were peeling away and traveling onward with the wind.  For a brief moment, I felt that peace I had been searching for within for months.

Now.  To be fair….I say “searching” yet I really wasn’t doing anything to “find” it.  Sure.  I have been entrenched in my oldest son leaving for college and all that has accompanied his journey thus far.  Yes.  I have been forced to recognize my younger son is no longer the adoring and devoted toddler who once did adorn my hip, but rather the now freshmen in high school who is much more likely to “tolerate me” rather than “adore me.” And Yep…I did decide it was time to remodel our home a bit, after over a decade of adolescent and teenage traffic scuffing up our floors, walls, carpets, furniture….all awhile making it absolutely stunning in its madness……And yes…I could go on….because quite frankly…..

WE all have STUFF.  ALL THE TIME.  If we are waiting for the perfect time to start practicing self-care and/or yoga and/or running and/or healthy eating and/or spiritual practice and/or meditation and/or…… we are missing the point.

I discuss with clients at great length, regularly the importance of doing things differently if we want a different outcome.

Sometimes…..just sometimes….I forget that I am no different. Ok, I don’t “forget” but like everyone else, I want a short cut.  I want it to be easy.  I admit it.  But as I reflect on my mood, on my focus, on my being truly present over the past month….I am humbled to admit I recognize I have not been my best because I have not committed to find my own peace, so I can spread it to others…..

Today started with 20 minutes of meditation.  And a walk with Layla the Wonderdog.  Tomorrow….what can you do?

Peace…..

peace……in remembering 9/11

15 years later…..

peaceinthejourney

I was debating if I should tackle this subject today, but then thought I’d be remiss if I did not.

It isn’t a milestone anniversary this year, yet it hit me harder than years past.

9/11.

I watched coverage in National Geographic over the weekend with my son, who is now 15.  He was 3 years old when it happened, and has no recollection of the events of the day or days after.

Questions he asked: “Mom, where were you and where was I when this happened? Did you pick me up?  Did you know it was a terrorist attack?”

• We had dropped him off for his first day of preschool.  On that day a milestone for him and our family, the tragic and senseless end for so many others.
• I didn’t pick him up right away.  I sat with a few former co-workers watching the TV, staring in disbelief…

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#1 Life in Transition: A guide to letting go

I first heard this song a couple of years ago, and thought it was a romantic love song. Then it wasn’t.

My oldest son is leaving for college in a few short days. We are packing up 2 cars, and taking him to Chicago. I have been preparing for this his entire life, right?

Driving in the car the other day, I heard this familiar song. When I heard the lyrics this time, in the context of preparing for the transition for my son & for our entire home, the feel of the song completely changed for me. Tears flooded down my face & the song I happily (and loudly) sing along with whenever I hear it, I was no longer able to get through without sounding somewhat like a choking frog.

 

All the way…..

How can we honor the uncertainty that inherently exists in transition (like sending our child off to college) while resisting the urge to rush in & rescue a loved one from the lessons that are available during this time?  For all of us who are getting ready to launch our children to college, this is such a tough transition, I have no doubt….but when I think of it, we’ve been really doing this for years. There have been countless firsts.

• Watching as they went from crawling to walking to running through our houses.
• Taking them to preschool or kindergarten and leaving them there, without us!
• Leaving them at their sport practices, while we rushed to Target to get our shopping in before pick up.
• Trusting their friend’s parents to care for them, for their first overnight.
• Making dinner on their own.
• Driving away in the car.
• Writing essays, applying for colleges, and eventually picking a University to attend.

Many, many, many more I am sure.  And for the most part, they’ve been ok each and every time (God willing).  Sure, there have been bumps and bruises along the way, but that is life.  What would’ve happened if we were so afraid our child would fall down that we didn’t allow him/her to walk or run?  My son is now taller and weighs more than me, I’m pretty sure I can’t carry him anymore!  And truth is….by not allowing our child to face transition head on, we are not enabling him/her to reach his/her potential.  Truth.

I think back to the times over my son’s life, desperately wanting to protect him from harm and heartache and realizing what every mother (and father) soon comes to understand…..we can’t.  And we really shouldn’t.  Sadness and fear and sorrow and tears and insecurities and…are all part of the human experience just as much as happiness and joy and laughter pride and……

Transitions happen.  And while we can’t protect our children from all that the word means, we can do just as this song suggests and be there in the moment when he or she needs us, and continue to let them know we are there….All the way.

What can we do?

• FaceTime regularly
• Make sure he/she knows they can come home.  Not that he/she needs to, but security is important in transition.
• Send care packages and get family/friends to do the same.
• Text/call/Facebook or whatever you can to let him/her know you’re right there with him/her in the journey of transition.
• Talk to your village.  Gather your friends with some good food and good wine and lots of kleenex.
• Send notes.
• Every chance you get, let him/her know how proud you are.
• When you get the urge to fix or rescue or solve…don’t.  Just listen.  Just listen…..

In talking with my son today, I reminded him that sometimes it’s ok to feel sad or awkward or lonely or ….. and no matter what he’s feeling, it’ll pass and if he needs help in the transition, just like every single time in his 18 years, I will be right behind him….all the way…..Some of our greatest lessons and growth come from times of transition.  We are meant, as humans, in my humble (and clinical) opinion to continue to grow and change and I for one ….as hard as this next few days and weeks and years are going to be….am going to do my best to truly embrace the uncertainty of transition and sit back as my son follows his dreams.

Truly…..to sit with a loved one & support him/her as he/she follows a dream is such a gift.

Amen…..

Peace…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

5 Simple steps to “unlearn” Body Shaming

In college I didn’t weigh myself and I didn’t own a scale.  My diet consisted of a bagel in the morning and a diet Dr Pepper, an Otis Spunkmeyer chocolate chip cookie for lunch and probably a diet Dr Pepper, and dinner was chicken and rice or pasta and possibly water (on a rare occasion I would eat a salad from the cafeteria but only if they had red peppers because I am slightly obsessed with them) and shock tarts candy late night at UDF run, and Milano’s turkey submarine sandwiches anytime I could afford them, and a minimum of 3 days a week I drank without any concern of calories or how many was too many.   I didn’t exercise regularly.  The only memory I have of doing so was this….

• Crammed in my sorority house living room, with my best friend, archaic tv set with a ….wait for it…VHS version of Cher’s aerobic tape.  Now…if you have never had the privilege of working out to Cher, let me say, it was by far the BEST time I have ever had working out.  Perhaps because it was utterly ridiculous to be watching her in I am not kidding….lingerie that was supposed to somehow be workout attire and her never ever even sweating as my best friend and I were about to pass out either from laughter or exhaustion……. but faithfully for what I am sure was only a few short weeks of cramming for bikini season in the annual Dayton to Daytona trip post graduation….we plopped in that VHS tape and did our best to work out so we could bare being in a bikini among our peers for a week straight.

Perhaps that started my own 2 decade + struggle with body shaming.

When I look back at the photos from that time period, I was fairly small.  I have no idea how much I weighed but I do know we all shared clothes and I always thought my friends were small, but I didn’t see myself that way.  Somehow I had convinced myself that my genetically inspired boobs were too big, or my I’m sure these are great “birthing” hips, were somehow “wrong”…..

Fast forward……20+ years later.  I own a scale and force myself to only weigh myself once a week.  I have been a vegetarian for 5+ years.  May be more…. I exercise daily.  Daily…and I do mean daily.  Over the past 10 years, I started running and have completed many races of distances from 5K- full marathons.  I walk my dog, aka Layla the Wonderdog at least 2x daily.  And 2 1/2 years ago I started practicing yoga and now do a minimum of 3 days a week.  And drinking?  Maybe 1 day a week and the caloric count and how am I feeling after drinking it is ever-present.

So the frustrating part of me, and something I want to share with others, is all awhile I am doing all of this, I still struggle not only with the probably 20+ lbs I have on me from college but the shame I feel about it.

• Shame for not being more disciplined in my eating/exercising.
• Shame for not weighing less.
• Shame for caring that I don’t weigh less.
• Shame for measuring myself against others.
• Shame for making excuses on days I really really really need sleep vs getting up early to exercise.
• Shame for somehow thinking my self-worth is connected to the number on the scale or the arbitrary size some dress manufacture put in my dress.
• Shame for ……… fill in the blank.

As I am putting the final pieces together to launch my (thankfully already piloted) online consulting/therapeutic business (strong peaceful women), I am forced to not only look at what road blocks have presented themselves in the path to its launch, but also how am I living what I preach to others.

Ugh……

It isn’t just that my weight is up, and my exercise has been sporadic over the past few weeks, it’s that I don’t feel well.  My piriformis syndrome that I manage through yoga and exercise is aggravated.  My eating, because of my increasingly busy schedule, is not planned out and regular in times and content.  And the “oh it’s summer and the 27th graduation party of the season, sure why don’t I have another beer” has happened.  Period.

And I sooooo want to be the embodiment of what I teach (and sometimes preach) to others….alas I am just like the rest of the world doing my best with what I have each day.  In yoga, yet again, I was reminded of the journey…not the destination….of peace. Even though I know it isn’t a “place”, and I teach others this concept, I forget sometimes.

So this is certainly not an exhaustive list but here is my version of steps to start “unlearning” body shaming behavior…..

• Focus on what your body can do, versus what it cannot.  Can you walk? AWESOME!  Practice gratitude and start (and may be stay!) there.
• Treat yourself for positive behavior changes with positive rewards.  Work out consistently for 2 weeks in a row.  Buy a new workout tank to show off your ever- toning arms of steel.  Or a pedicure to soothe your strong amazing feet!
• Be realistic with your workout, eating, drinking, life goals and make small consistent changes over time.  It is the best way to make life-long changes.
• Stop trying to be someone else.  You have ONE body- focus on learning to love (or at least appreciate) the body you live in each day/night.
• Look at yourself in the mirror each day and repeat these words……I am perfectly imperfect and beautiful in my imperfections.  

It is a journey.  I live it each day.  Somedays I am rocking it- I am eating well and working out and practicing deep breathing when my stress increases and sleeping well and helping others and going to church or walking in nature or …..practicing what I preach.  And truly, my lesson to teach others is just like you, I have to work at it.  If I had a magic wand or pixie dust to sprinkle over the world for help people find inner peace and happiness I would but….

What I have is my conceptual program of combining body, mind, spirit and service to find inner peace and happiness…and even I need to be reminded of it from time to time.

Hope for at least one person living with “body shaming”…this helped you to know you are not alone….

Peace….

 

Outrage Orlando: Where is the Love?

Inbox:  Email from my sorority sister, discussing our mutual concern regarding the climate of hatred and intolerance in our country.  After all, I write about peace….who better to discuss it with, right?  Quickly….email shifts from a shared concern of negative/hate-filled political ideology that appears to be emerging/growing in our culture to an “OMG- did you hear what happened in Orlando?”

Silence.  Disbelief.

Nearly a year ago, I wrote about my family’s trip to Key West.  Traveling with my family & my parents for our annual summer trip, we were there when the Supreme Court ruled in favor of marriage equality.  I took photos of the city as the ruling emerged, a peaceful “hooray” could  be heard throughout the city.  While I was so happy for my friends and family members who are gay or lesbian, I am keenly aware the struggle for acceptance goes beyond what the Supreme Court ruled.  People are still idiots. People are still intolerant.  And people are still judgmental and unnecessarily obsessed with what people do in the privacy of their own bedrooms.  I don’t get it.  Love is love.  It is that simple to me.

Let Love Rule

But what happened in Orlando is bigger than this issue.  While I mourn collectively with our county, most of whom I believe to be largely rational people, attempting to understand how something like this could happen….I sorta scratch my head thinking “how could it not?”

We have a mental health system that is broken at best.  Our judicial system does very little to dissuade convicted criminals from re-offending.  We have easy access to guns, including but not limited to assault rifles, in our country.  We have a growing trend of radicalized religious practices (not just Muslim, less someone thinks that is where I am going with this.  Radical religion, all of sorts, is dangerous in nature.) We have a growing intolerance of others in our country…..we even have political candidates, running for president, inciting audiences towards an increased intolerance of people based on religion or ethnicity….it’s like a perfect storm.

Don’t believe me?  Have you checked the statistics for mass shootings in 2016?  To date, there have been 178 in the US already this year, and it’s June 13!  That may have changed by the time I post this.  It’s staggering.

Shooting Tracker

I worry about our country.  We can pray.  We can hope.  We can gather together in candle light services, but until we do something to radically assess gun laws in our country, all our  “community bonding efforts” appear to be in vain.

Really, if children in an elementary school, or people going to the movie theater, or college kids studying in a classroom, or some gay latino men gathering at a dance club aren’t safe….all seemingly harmless activities, then how can any of us sit and be silent thinking we are safe? And why are we not in an uproar for all of these people who are no longer here to do so?

How does Australia survive without guns?

I have been writing on the subject of peace, both on my personal journey and those around me, for several years.   I have this small audience I can attempt to plant seeds in an effort to spread peace around the world.  It’s my vision….truly.  Grandiose? Yes…but it’s my vision. However, I am cognizant that it is so limited and until we create a world that makes it really very hard for some person who is having some sort of mental break, or some sort of delusional episode, or some sort of rage-filled fantasy gone horribly tragic…..if history tells us anything, these episodes are going to do nothing but increase.

I am sending my oldest son to college in the fall.  I wish my greatest concern for him, like it probably was for my parents, was whether or not he’d study for his exams or whether or not he’d call me while he was away or whether or not he’d ever eat a vegetable during the week or whether or not he’d drink to much at a party…..those should be my biggest worries.

Anyone have ideas?  Let’s ban together…..with a plan.…..send me your thoughts for how to make this world truly a more peaceful place.  Or may be Australia wants a few million new residents?

Peace…….

 

 

 

 

 

Advice Parents of Young Children Won’t Believe

Summer Break.  Windows open.  Sounds of little voices fill our neighborhood.  Sometimes giggling, sometimes crying….all nostalgic reminders of how quickly time moves.

It seems like only a few moments ago, our family was new to the neighborhood.  We were the family with a baby and a preschooler.  We were the over-decorated Halloween house, the side-walk chalked front side walk, the yard filled with various toys and ride along cars of various shapes and sizes.  We were the red-eyed, spit-up stained clothed, stroller pushing, car seat adjusting, early to bed and far too early to rise parents who often blankly looked at each other muttering something like “will this ever get easier?”

Now…..our house is filled with children who resemble adults in almost every single way.  They’re taller than us.  Smarter than us (of course, they’re late teens/young adults…aren’t they all?).  They eat more than us.  Halloween and Christmas and…..all decorations have been dramatically reduced to an almost obligatory effort to try to still “look” like we are into the holidays.  Side walk chalk has been replaced with a sea of textbooks and papers and online tests.  The yard no longer has a spattering of toys, replaced rather with a room filled of sweaty, loud boys playing xbox or yelling at the TV while WWE is on to entertain them.  Ride along cars are now replaced with ACTUAL CARS.  No more strollers…no more car seats……and often we are in bed way before they are…..

In a moment, it all changes.  And in the midst of it, I remember thinking it felt like eternity getting from day to day.  The monotony has a way of altering perception of time.  And looking back now, I simply cannot imagine where all the time went.

For those reading….if you have children….do you remember that feeling when you first held your child/ren, and thought these probably universal words “how could I ever love this child anymore than I do in this moment?”

You CAN!  And you DO!  I’ve always been amazed at how this works.  Something so unquantifiable….yet tangible in some abstract sense.  My only regret, I didn’t learn to really enjoy the monotony of the moments as I was in them when my kids were small.  Somehow I so was looking for the next step, the next milestone, and now that my oldest is leaving for college in a few short months (OMG!) and my youngest is entering high school….my sentiments are best described in this wonderfully sappy song….

slow down

You will make mistakes.  They might “hate” you for a moment or two.  You will second and third and …guess yourself.  You will one day, be in my space wondering how on earth 18 years has slipped through your fingers with you barely noticing it.  If the grey hairs or impending wrinkles don’t prove to you that you are indeed older, and no longer the parent of a newborn or toddler….the towering “adult-ish” person living beside you will certainly utter something to let you know….he/she is ready to spread his/her wings….and no matter how much you want to respond back……

Know that you only have them for but a moment…..and may be if you read this and PAY ATTENTION…..you will slow down for a moment and enjoy the absolute best wandering journey around……

Peace…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grateful for “Gratitude.” A must read when everything is getting on your nerves.

I’ve been on both sides.  I know both sides of the coin. And if given the choice, and there’s always a choice….I choose to live with gratitude.

One of the reasons my boss ( Relationship Institute ) said he hired me was in recognition of my sense of gratitude for life.   I remember him telling me a year or so ago, reflecting on how my calm and grateful nature can be beneficial in a clinical setting.  I felt humbled, and yet at the time, I was cognizant of that part of my being.  I have taken pride in practicing gratitude, and truly have felt happiest when I’ve consistently practiced.

I spent over a decade working in a non-profit, Gilda’s Club , some might say I ate, drank, slept, breathed my work, so much so my name became in some circles synonyms with it.  I was “Michelle from Gilda’s Club.” I really loved it.  Although my “work” was at times difficult in knowing the realities of cancer, I loved knowing each and every day what I did, mattered.

In the world of service, it is easy to feel grateful for your life.  It is easy to recognize how fortunate or lucky or blessed one is.  It is easy to find others to give you positive feedback.  It is easy to see the value in what you do.  It is easy to wake up and understand what really matters in life….and to be filled with peace in gratitude.  I believe in a life dedicated to service so much, it is a key component of my program, Strong Peaceful Women.  I lived my life effortlessly in some ways for over a decade in this world, hardly acknowledging the space I was holding was truly sacred and special.

For over a decade, daily I lived with a sense of gratitude and is has shaped, forever, how I see the world.

But……

I think I got lazy and took for granted what was always so easy for me.  I never really had to think about practicing gratitude. I was surrounded, swimming in sea of constant reminders of the fragility and beauty in life.  I had the honor of working for people diagnosed with or affected by cancer, and in that time met some truly fascinating, compassionate, brave, feisty, spiritually grounded and beautiful people.  Through their grace and courage, I found an incredible sense of peace just being in their presence and sharing in their journey…. it was easy to feel grateful for being a part of their lives, no matter the outcome.

When my peer group focused on what pair of shoes to buy, or being frustrated because they couldn’t get reservations to the coolest new restaurant, or annoyed because their custom ordered such and such wasn’t exactly the correct whatever it was supposed to be….I almost felt sorry they didn’t see the world like I did.  I felt grateful I was easily able to be content with what really mattered in life, because I saw it each and every day of my life in my clinical practice…..

And then it happened….to me….I lost my sense of gratitude…..even me.  And it messed with my peaceful mind a bit.  I didn’t even recognize it until it was pointed out ever so abruptly in a “hey…..where’s your gratitude?” comment……

Ouch!!!!!

My days are no longer filled in charity work, and the subtle (and not so subtle) stressors of my day are no longer filtered through my ever-present grateful lens.  For years, I was able to mindfully recognize disappointments from expectations with family and friends and self in a gentle breath, and then softly yet swiftly let them pass me by…..I don’t think I recognized that it was in an active process in my mind allowing me to focus on gratitude vs frustrations with the earthly world.  I forgot the importance of practicing it daily because it came so naturally to me in the past, and now I need to find a way to have that same spirit and passion in my current clinical practice and personal life, recognizing it is different but still rich with purpose.  Just because it doesn’t come as easy to me as it once did, doesn’t mean it’s not as important, and possibly more important if peace and gratitude is my end goal.

Gratitude has not only has been linked to a decrease in depression & anxiety, it is also correlated with an overall reporting of one’s life as being “happy.” Focusing on what you are grateful for daily minimizes the time one could spend focusing on negativity.

The beauty of this practice is the benefit it has on calming and creating a more peaceful mind.  It does not change in a dramatic way what is going on around you, but it allows you to see it differently.

For example…..one of the times I felt the most grateful, the most fulfilled, I was getting my Master’s degree, doing an internship with at Gilda’s Club, working part-time, had a young son at home, and….my Dad underwent 2 stem cell transplants.  Not exactly a dream scenario.  Not exactly without stress, without fear, without heartache.  Yet…each day I was grateful.

It didn’t mean that I felt totally calm.  It didn’t mean the chaos that surrounded me in my daily life vanished.  Rather, it meant that I knew I had a choice to allow the chaos to run its course and destroy my life, or it meant I could focus on gratitude for all that I had in my life…..wanna guess what I chose?

So……tonight….I’m thankful for the not so subtle reminder to recommit to practice gratitude.  DAILY.  And with a very humble spirit, I confess I am grateful for the awareness that we all exist in life with struggles.  We all have inner battles we are facing….but do you want to stay in that space?  I can assure you, with absolute certainty, it isn’t so much what happens in our life that matters, but how we choose…how we choose, to react to them.

What do you choose?

Start today.  Start and end your day in quiet reflection, acknowledging all for which you have to be grateful.

One of my “Facebook friends” recently posted a question to Facebook world wondering, “Does anyone really love his/her job out?” Instantly I responded YES!  Reading subsequent responses allowed me to acknowledge, while I don’t work in the charity/non-profit world anymore, I am still and in some ways more grateful for where I am today in my career.  I am grateful for meaningful work that allows me to have an impact in the lives of people in my community, beyond my original scope of practice.  I am grateful for a flexible schedule that affords me the time to write.  I am grateful for direction from my business coach to be able to “one day soon” launch my online program.  I am grateful who to work challenge me every day. I am grateful for their trust.   I am grateful for patience and grace and compassion, feels awkward to write but I really know these are my strengths and if I wasn’t blessed with the gift of tremendous athletic or vocal talent….I might as well be thankful for what I was blessed with having.  Right?  I am grateful for tremendously talented clinical community whom I learn from every week, hopefully to be a better therapist.  I am grateful for my mistakes in my life, and for having people in my life whom I trust to show me so I can right my wrongs.  And I am grateful for my high school psychology teacher and undergraduate social work professor who planted a seed in me, guiding me on my path and unknowingly becoming my mentors throughout my career.  Thank you.  

For more information on gratitude….

Gratitude article in psychology today

Ways to practice gratitude

Peace….in your journey…..

 

Best Graduation Advice Ever!

I had the honor to celebrate my son’s graduation from high school with 65 other kids & their families/friends.   After an emotionally and physically grueling day, filled with an Honor’s ceremony, dinner with family, a beautiful baccalaureate mass, a touching graduation ceremony, and ending with an all “Knight” party we chaperoned, I was able to reflect on what an honor it has been to witness my son’s past 18 years of life.  I feel blessed to say I not only “love” my son, I really “like” the young man he has grown into being.

There are so many things, as parents, we want to teach and tell and instill and drill into our kids.  How many times when they are really young do we find ourselves saying the following?

• Wash your hands.
• Say your prayers.
• Brush your teeth.
• Look both ways before you cross the road.
• Wear a helmet.
• Say please and thank you.
• Eat your veggies & Yes, I know they don’t taste like chocolate .
• Don’t text and drive.

We all want them to study hard.  Play hard.  Push themselves without overdoing it.  We all want them to, on some level I think, be more than we are.  To achieve more.  As much as we try, our own doubts and insecurities and regrets someone seep into our parenting, and without checking….we can place our own “wants” onto our kids without really allowing them one huge lesson we all NEED them to learn…..

To make the best life decisions for their life.  For their own happiness.  For their own path. It’s a struggle, to trust they were listening all those times we thought they were tuning us out.

So I was reflecting on the “advice” I still want to give my son before he leaves for college in less than 2 months.  Then, a dear friend of mine shared this song.  And it clicked…..

 

Humble and Kind.  That is the BEST graduation advice (and life advice) EVER!   Isn’t this what we really want for our kids? We all really know they are GREAT!  And they’re probably capable of WAY more than we or they can even see at this point.  But more than anything, what really matters is our character- and I so want my sons to remember these words….always…always be humble and kind.

Sure….son/s, I want you to

• Study really really hard because this is your “job” for the next 4+ years.
• Eat healthy because I’m paying for you to have access to really healthy and somewhat decent food.
• Make friends who invest in you as much as you do in them.
• Exercise, because college and transitions of any type can be stressful and exercise is PROVEN to help release that energy.  And no, I didn’t make that up…it really really does just what I’m saying and YES, I can show you the research if needed.
• Go to CHURCH.  13 years of Catholic schools, and now a Catholic university, Yes, faith is important to me and I want you to go while you are away.  And if you stray from your faith, know I will pray God helps guide you back……. gently or not so gently. Hey, it’s important!
• Be careful and thoughtful in your decisions.  “what would mom do?” might help guide you.  Just saying…. 
• Visit.
• Grow.
• Travel.
• Pay your bills.
• Volunteer.
• Love until it hurts.
• Study poetry & literature.  Just because it’s awesome!
• Facetime your mom, just so I can see you are ok.

And probably countless others tidbits, but really….if you practice being humble and kind, I am sure all of the others will fall into place naturally.

Watching these 66 kids together after graduation, this is EXACTLY what I saw.  Humble and kind.  Sure, some are uber athletic, while others are almost freakishly smart & academically off the charts…..some are talented musicians and singers and dancers and actors, while others are gifted artists.  Some are shy, some are gregarious.  Some are funny, while some are serious.  But for the past 13 years, and in witnessing the 6 hours of the All “Knight” Party…with all of their differences, they were truly one big group of humble and kind young adults.  And I hope they never forget that is part of who you are.

Many are sooooooo ready to leave for college.  Many are going far far away and some have said they won’t come back.  Maybe?  But this bond that they have all created is something that can transcend time and space.

I graduated from college (I went to 3 different highschools so this is the closest frame of reference I have) over 2 decades ago.  Some of my friends I saw every day for nearly 4 years.  Then….we graduated and moved on and went to grad school or med school or got married or had kids or got divorces or….. life happened.  And many of us lost touch.

But when needed, these same friends have pulled together to have some somewhat last minute weekends of gabbing and wine, supported each other in the tragic loss of 2 friends,  celebrated in the acceptance of our children to college, listened as some were debating on  switching career paths, cheered on my husband in his first (and only) Ironman competition, sat through cheer competitions even if we didn’t have our own kids in the competition….and though time and space for a few moments seemed to separate us….when needed, we pulled together like family.  That friendship that was rooted over 2 decades ago in the countless sorority meetings or volunteer projects or socials or cramming for exams together or late night runs to get shock tarts and diet dr pepper….. bonded us.

So my advice…..keep it simple to these two things (to start)…..

Always…..always be humble and kind.  

And if you need a friend…..know you have many, many out there so please…in honor of those who were too afraid or too ashamed or didn’t know how or too tired or in pain to ask for help, please do.  Often and much.  The world needs ALL of you to shine in whatever way you are meant to shine.  And if you feel the glitter fading……and you feel you maybe you have lost your way for a moment or two…… remember you have family and friends here for you whether you are the future President of the United States, the doctor who finally finds a cure for cancer, the advocate who finally brings peace to the world or perhaps may be someone may be with less accolades to his/her name….know no matter who you are or who you become….you are loved.  

Peace….and congrats to Graduates of 2016!  Go and take on the World!  Or sit and contemplate awhile…it’s all good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advice on my son’s 18th.

My oldest turns 18 today.  How can that be, right?  Thoughts of EVERY parent I am certain.  I will try to not linger for too long in that trite trap of nostalgia, rather offer some words of advice for all those launching the nest soon…..

I remember holding my sweet child, who arrived into my world 3 days but what seemed like 3 years late.  He was perfect.  In that first moment he was laid on my chest and I looked into his beautiful eyes, I was in love.  Pure love.  I hoped he felt my love, I hoped he felt the love of God, I hoped he would have friends, and I hoped he knew how special he already was.  Simple.

18 years passes in such an instant, and in the stillness of the night, I worry sometimes that no matter how hard I tried to protect him from harm and hurt that i felt as I child, it still happened.  This by far has been the most difficult reality for me to come to peace with in my life.  As a parent, we would gladly take it all to spare our kids, but cannot.   Sometimes…..when I go in to tuck him into bed late at night….I can still see glimpses of that beautiful angelic baby face I fell in love with nearly 18 years ago.

I am not sure if he, or anyone reading this blog, will take any of my “advice” to heart, but in some small way I continue to hope my candor in my writing will bring peace in someone’s life who needs it.  When I say “I’ve been there”….I truly mean it.  As a teenager I made many decisions I regret, I struggled with depression and anxiety, and there were times I was not sure my being alive really mattered at all.

So when I say…I’ve been there, I truly mean it.  Thankfully I am here to write about it.

So in no apparent order, here is what I wish my 18 year old self knew…..

• Life is amazing.  Choose wisely what you do, where you go, and with whom you surround yourself.  And yes, college & beyond is so much better.
• If you want to backpack around Europe for awhile, do it!  I regret I never did, and once a mortgage and grad school and a child and ….. just do it!
• Take care of your body.  Only you have the ability to change what you don’t like, and learn to love what you cannot change.  I will never be taller than 5’3″.  And I learned to embrace it.
• Don’t overvalue people who undervalue you.  I spent years learning this.  300,000,000 some people in this country alone, if “friends” around you don’t treat you well….move on!  Don’t settle with people who don’t appreciate what you have to offer in their life.
• Don’t change to please others.  I admire my son for learning this early on….I wish I had his wisdom and sense of courage at the age he does…..and hope he never loses sight of his individuality, even if it means he has to lose some people in the process.  “Be who you are and say how you feel, those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.”  Dr. Seuss.  Brilliant!
• Dream Big.
• Work hard.
• Make decisions as if it all matters.
• Find peace.  pray. meditate. find peace.  be still with your thoughts.
• Don’t burn bridges.
• Exercise.  Work through your problems or worries rather than burying them.
• Find people in life who like you for you, rather than convincing them to do so.
• Laugh.  Often and much.
• Cry…it’s why God created tear ducts for us.
• Don’t waste time eating bad food, drinking cheap drinks, or hanging out with toxic people.
• Today is called the present for a reason, it’s a gift….don’t waste a moment for tomorrow is never guaranteed for anyone.  Cherish every moment.
• Never, ever forget, most of all….you are loved.

My peace comes in knowing our human experience is something that is more universal rather than unique,  and while struggles are something we all wish we didn’t have to experience, they are what makes us who we are and perhaps allows us to show compassion for others on their journey.

So….happy birthday to my beautiful baby boy blue- and to all those who are out there in the world trying to find themselves….know that is part of the fun in the journey!

Peace……

 

Why is “how do I move to Canada?”becoming a popular search by Americans. And more thoughts about anger.

 

I’ve been around for a few elections.  Eligible to vote for the Bush era, Clinton era, Bush era, Obama, and now the Clinton/Bush (until recently) era all over again.  Heck I still remember my first election, I voted absentee ballad and my candidate, Ross Perot did not win.  Hey, I was in college!  We are all experimenting.  I do remember it be incredibly exciting and a privilege to be able to vote in our country.  At a young age, the realization that women fought for my right to vote was never lost on me.  This year, I am saddened by the tone the election has taken.  Now, before anyone says “this is politics, this is the way it has always been….”, I did state this isn’t my FIRST rodeo, and much to the chagrin of many, I have a great memory and I’ve never seen something like this year’s election process.

Over the years my views, my concerns and political leanings have changed, and while it would be a safe guess purely by my education and profession as a female clinical social worker to think I’m most certainly a democrat, hope you didn’t bet money as it isn’t that simple, and with all the flip flopping candidates do, I’m not even sure I have a categorical box I can check this year, or any year.

My push to write on this subject has far less to do with politics per say and much more to do with the tone to which candidates are campaigning this year.  I grew up in an era of “Do on to others as you would have them do on to you” or “Love one another as I have loved you” or “It is better to be kind, than right” or “Be kinder than necessary for everyone is facing some sort of battle.” I am perplexed.  Am I the only one who remembers these “golden rules” of sorts (well, one actually is the “golden rule”….but that’s not my point) ….how have we gotten so off track with one another?

I love our country, and for many reasons I have long believed we are the greatest country on Earth.  Not that we could be, or we used to be, but we are the greatest country on Earth.  I am sure there are many people from England, or Finland, or Thailand or Costa Rica or…..wherever who also believe their country to be the best.  However, I am concerned how the impact of a culture that tolerates and promotes hostility, anger, insults, name calling….all the things I was taught and have taught my own children to be inherently wrong to now be encouraged, as long as the end result is “your candidate, your opinion, your views” are heard or accepted or acknowledged.  As if winning is all that matters.  Even as I write those words, I am sure there is someone, somewhere saying “um, yes it is!”….but he/she probably isn’t reading my blog on peace in the journey…..

Clients, friends and some family will ask me if I ever get angry.  My immediate family I am sure sees me slightly differently than others, but largely I don’t react to anger in a hostile manner.  I don’t write nasty Facebook posts on companies I’m unhappy with for whatever valid reason I may have, I don’t try to belittle others so that I look better, I don’t choose to argue for the sake of arguing, or really at all…..and I really try to get others to see why choosing to engage in any of the above does far more damage to you than the person/persons/institutions/organizations….to whom you are angry.

I have heard this quote in variation by many people, may be Mark Twain didn’t even write it….. but the message remains solid.  When we hold on to anger, we are hurting ourselves. When venom comes from our mouth and our beings, venom is what comes back to us in our lives.  When we let go of the poison: friends, family, relationships, expectations, disappointments, hurts….we are free. Free to let in love, free to work with others, free to see not only our own potential but the potential of others around us.

• May be it means letting go of toxic relationships…..so what?  If they are toxic, why are you still holding on to them?
• May be it means letting go of disappointments from others….so what?  People are inherently flawed, and I presume most do their best in life, but cannot help falling short now and again, so why are we demonizing forever when this is in truth part of the human condition?
• May be it means letting go of expectations….so what?  I find my own life challenging enough, TRULY, I am astonished people have so much time to be concerned with other people’s lives when I can hardly manage my own.  What are you not wanting to face in your own life that you find it more appealing to focus on other people’s decisions?

I have been writing and rewriting and rewriting the end to this blog, and can’t seem to sum up what I want to say….other than this.

Peace and happiness can never be achieved through hate or venom or negativity or anger.  Never.  If you want to be happy…..it is time we all take individual responsibility rather than expecting someone else to fulfill this for us. If negativity is following you around, may be you need to check to see who the common denominator is in the scenarios surrounding you.  And I mean that with all the love in my heart for humankind.  I teach people to find peace and happiness in life….through mind, body, spirit and service to others.  But no where in my program is there room for hate, or anger, or negativity.  If you or someone you know is searching….I can show you the way……

sign up to read my blog every week at http://www.peaceinthejourney.wordpress.com or if you want a more focused approach, sign up for the upcoming program http://www.strongpeacefulwomen.com

Or at least write wordy blog posts to point you in the direction……

We could start a revolution…..one of peace and happiness…or….What type of revolution do you want to stand behind for ALL of humankind?

Sending all of you peace…..and happiness….

 

 

 

 

 

Enlightenment? More than coming out of the darkness.

 

Do you ever have themes recur in your life?  Words.  Phrases. Thoughts.  Images.

Enlightenment has been my theme lately.  In discussion with a friend, on the recurrence of this theme and it’s meaning, I suggested enlightenment comes both with age and experience, much like wisdom.  May be it’s a pay off for the aging process that can be less than kind at times?

I recalled being in my early 20s, working as a social worker with families in their homes.  My clients all had multiple presenting issues including but not limited to neglect, allegations of abuse, socioeconomic disparities, and …the list goes on.  I was a 20something, white, tiny female who grew up in the suburbs and went to a private college.  I had no children, wasn’t married, and certainly had very little “life” experience to offer families I was paid to serve.  When I recall those days, I feel humbled thinking how generous they were in accepting what pitiful advice I had to offer them.  I think of some of my most challenging families, wondering if I had the opportunity to work with them now, what advice or tools or techniques or skills could I offer?

I’m going to be 45, soon.  Not soon in some abstract sense but soon as in a few months!  I feel like I look pretty decent for what “45” is in my mind, and have in my lifetime made efforts to take care of this one earthly body I have been given.  I am also proud of the years of experience I have on this planet.

• I know through my nearly 45 years I’ve loved deeply and hurt deeply from loss of loved ones, thus I feel I am empathic in working with others who are hurting, regardless of reason.  True love for another living being is eternal and universal.  It’s spiritual, for me, more than emotional.  It’s something I do, not something I feel.
• I’ve worked really hard to get my Master’s Degree and to become a clinical social worker, and value what it takes to achieve a goal.  I continue to work to eliminate “I can’t” from my vocabulary and encourage others to do so.  We never know what we are capable of in life, until we push beyond our limits.  Now…that does not mean I will ever swim with sharks, there is a difference between “I can’t” and “I won’t”….. C’mon!
• I’ve learned to let go of my attachments to things.  Car.  House.  Clothing.  Shoes (ok, may be shoes are an exception.) Things can always be replaced.  And shouldn’t define who we are.  EVER.  It makes you no less or more valuable because you can purchase what you want in life, rather than what you need.  While we may want many things in life, I’ve found focusing on what I need serves me better at keeping me humble, and making me feel appreciative of all that I don’t “need” in life.  There’s always, always, always someone worse off……so in times of despair, I try to remember…..
• 

• I believe in the power of prayer, the benefits of a positive attitude, the peace found in meditation and the energy found through listening to a child giggle or a conversation with a dog.  While there are many things in life we cannot control, every single one of these costs me NOTHING yet is PRICELESS.
• I assert all people are flawed.  We accept them, or we don’t.  That simple.

I so wish I would’ve known what I do at almost 45, at 22.  But like wisdom, for me, enlightenment has come through letting go of what I thought to be true and allowing what might be to shine through.  It’s spending time contemplating life and death, and realizing how small we all really are in life.  It’s reaching out, and centering within.  It’s realizing some may choose to not want to be my friend, my “Facebook” friend, my …….and at nearly 45 I’m more than ok with it, I surround myself with people I love and love enough to let go of those I need to in life so we both can grow.

It’s finding peace in one’s journey……for me, that’s all it has ever been.  Tomorrow is not guaranteed, for any of us.  Why do we think it is? It makes today matter, but not in an OMG I better start checking off my bucket list sort of attitude.  Really, who could sustain that energy?  It’s a “don’t waste time on stuff or people or things or ….that doesn’t bring you happiness” every. single. time. you have control over choosing. Key- every time you have the choice.  Clearly there are work meetings or family/friend obligations we’d rather not attend, but our life does necessitate we go anyway.  However, when given a choice….do you want to spend time in the rat race of life…..or on living a life filled with peace and happiness?

Wishing you peace..and happiness in your journey today, and always…..wherever that road may take you today or tomorrow or ……and if you spent time reading and thinking about my words until the very end today, I am grateful.

Peace…….

 

 

 

 

“Mom is college better than High School?”

I have a son who’s a college senior.  How~Did~This~ Happen?

It seems like just yesterday we walked him into his kindergarten class, prodding him to take the obligatory photos with parents and grandparents all holding back tears as he started his academic journey.

In a blink of an eye……those years are gone….and we’re now helping the same son decide between colleges, a seemingly daunting and elusive decision.

In his restless desire to exit high school and more importantly start “real life”…..

Wait……. wasn’t this just me?  My parents dropping me off at the University of Dayton, driving off as I stood outside of Marywood Hall……filled with emotions, both a sense of excitement and a sense of FEAR!  I remember that moment….captured in time.  It was the start of 4 of the best years of my life.

And yes, son, COLLEGE WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN HIGH SCHOOL . I should state, however, I went to 3 High Schools.  3.  So, my opinion might be slightly biased.

Looking back, the days and months and years I spent in college were absolutely fantastic!   Not because the act of going to college in and of itself, rather because of what the experience allowed and encouraged me to do.  I took classes on philosophy and religion and literature and art and astronomy….none of which were in my major, but in a profound way shaped the person I am today.  I volunteered on campus, I worked at a day care center with kids, I volunteered at Dayton Hospice facilitating support groups, I rushed a sorority, I went to social with fraternities, and went to parties in the “ghetto”……I soaked up as much of the experience as I could, and looking back, I wish I would’ve done even more!

Both the author of the above article and I agree, it isn’t so much where you to to college that matters, but what you do with that time that makes the difference.  How committed to the process of learning, exploring, living life are you?  What causes or organizations or events are you willing/wanting/committed to being a part of in college?  How much do you want to realize the person you are really meant to be? 

Because is isn’t so much what happens in our life that matters…but what we choose to do with it that makes all the difference! 

My wishes for my son, and for all the HS seniors contemplating their college choice is as follows….in no certain order….

• Explore the area you will be living in for the next 4 (or so) years.  Go to the local diners, find the hidden gems only the locals know.  Really immerse yourself in the city or town where you are living.
• Take that random class that is out of your comfort zone!  Study Shakespeare or World Religions or ………. Now is the time to expand your horizons.
• Go out of your way to make “new” friends.  Even if you are going to school close to home, we continue to benefit from meeting new people.
• Get involved!  Join a club, play an intramural sport, rush a fraternity or sorority, volunteer!  College is more than just what is learned in the classroom.
• Choose your major, carefully!  Choose something that you LOVE so as the saying goes “Love what you do, and you’ll never work a day in your life!”
• Stay up late!
• Sleep in!
• Ask the “stupid” question in class.  Others, I GUARANTEE, have the same question.
• Exercise.  Debunk the theory of the “freshmen 15”, and instead exercise to manage stress & anxiety that naturally comes with starting college.
• Keep in contact with your HS friends.  They are your foundation, less you forget.
• Skype/Facetime/Text/Email/Call your parents and your family.  OFTEN.  This transition is as hard (if not harder) on them than on you.
• Take risks, but not with your behavior.  Be smart.  Be safe.
• Try new things.  Food.  Activities.  Music.  Cultural events.  This is the time for you to spread your wings and really see who you can be (who you already are!)
• Be in the moment.  Practice mindfulness & meditation and if you don’t know what that is, learn!  It will work wonders on quieting your mind, reducing your stress, and allowing you to truly enjoy the moment.
• Remember….more than anything….Nothing in life is too big to cope with when you have friends and family who love you.  And no matter how far you go, we are always, always with you in your heart.
• Last, for today, know that you are more than your school, more than your major, more than your degree.  You are uniquely Y-O-U and that is all you ever have to be!

Sigh….there.  My list.  Not exhaustive, but a start.  I am sure there will be a million more “little tidbits” of advice I will have for him, and ones I will forget and kick myself for not sharing…..and I’m sure he will NOT LISTEN TO MOST OF THEM.  But then again…..Did I?

 

Peace….and happiness….to all beginnings…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

Giving up Dieting.

My strength is my weakness.  My weakness is my strength.  

I cannot remember a day when I didn’t think about my weight, about what I was eating, or shouldn’t be eating, or drinking….about what others thought of me.  It has become so much a part of who I am, I sometimes forget that others may not share this self destructive practice.  Though it is significantly less an issue than it was when I was younger, it persists.

I remember years ago suggesting to others whom I worked with who’re diagnosed with cancer, and more recently to clients dealing with anxiety and depression, to try yoga and explained the benefits.  I. Had. No. Idea.  None!  

I spent the past 10 years running, only.  Running was a way for me to work through my body image issues, focusing on what I could do rather than my limitations.  It has been transformative.  As my chronic pain condition got worse, and forced me to re-evaluate my long distance running….I searched for another outlet.  One door closes….one opens.  I found yoga 2 years ago….and a fight for my time and attention between the two has ensued ever since.

This weekend.  Packed in like sardines in this warm, energetic space with 40+ others… different genders, different races, different ….well different in many ways…. listening to our teacher instruct not only the poses but giving us thoughts to ponder as we hold Warrior 1 or Warrior 2 or Downdog or Eagle….

I become inspired.  A new level of letting go, I can feel it beginning…..

Midway through class, the words I remember were more about the unity of our human experience than our differences.  Though we may all “look” different, the human condition is alarmingly similar.  While we may think we are “the only person in the world struggling with ‘X’ issue” (I know,for I hear clients utter these exact words on a daily basis in clinical practice), we have far more in common with one another than we do differ as people.

For a few brief moments, I was no longer the creeping up on middle age woman who has struggled with her own self image her entire life, rather I am this collective body of strong, focused, struggling, vulnerable, giddy, grimacing, flawed and perfect people….Wow.  Powerful.  Another layer of my life long struggle with body acceptance is slothing off as gently as the beads of sweat pour off my face.

Class ended with this amazing song.  Tears welled up in my eyes…..

Epiphany! 

What if I am exactly who I am to be right in this very moment?  

In that moment, clearly I could feel this desire to stop dieting, stop obsessing, stop over analyzing my mistakes and just being uniquely and commonly me.

My strength is my weakness.  My weakness is my strength.  It/they are who I am and who we all are.  Strengths and weaknesses are the common bond that makes us uniquely human, and maybe not even unique at all.  And may be it was necessary all along for me to have the weakness, so that I could be humble & compassionate and help others.  And truly, I know there is NO DOUBT that is my strength.  To help others.  Being vulnerable, sharing my own struggles in life no longer scares me for I know I am, you are, we all are flawed yet perfect.

This weekend in yoga, I got it….and the struggle I’ve carried with me from house to house, city to city, relationship to relationship, job to job…..no longer had a place in my life.  No longer had control over me.  Freeing, right?

Because I know years of allowing myself to succcumd to these negative thoughts will not fade away forever without effort on my part to reframe and reshape them, my plan is not NOT DIET, ….exercise daily, eat healthfully daily, meditate/pray daily, practice acts of service/regularly, develop a healthier sense of self…….continuing on my journey to a stronger, more peaceful sense of self…..won’t you join me?

http://www.strongpeacefulwomen.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

2016- Make Resolutions that MATTER

Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.

Saint Francis de Sales

I’m sick.  Throughout all of the Christmas celebrating this year and now into the New Year, I’ve been sick.  Not with anything earth shattering or noteworthy, but enough to elicit the question from family members and friends as to what’s going on that I’m “sick again”…..and enough to force to to reflect as to what is going on internally that I’m not able to bounce back and recover as quickly as I have in the past.

I know what happened.  In addition to all the working, baking, cooking, cleaning, wrapping, coordinating, card swapping, decorating, etc that comes with the holiday season…..my world around me has been off kilter with worry of my cousin’s health, worry of conflicts with my extended family, new revelations in my extended family and the wonderful and unknown changes forthcoming, renovating/expanding our home, and milestones presented to our family in 2016 with our first son graduating and going off to college.

Ok….most of the list is normal, right?  Right of passages, normal family drama/stress.  Difference for me this year, I think I forgot how to honor all of it and allow myself to feel all of it quietly and process it.  Rather, I began to feel myself overwhelmed and pushed it all down and subconsciously made the decision I’d deal with it all at a more convenient time.

Our minds/bodies do not work that way.  Whether we want to deal with something/s or not, internally we are still processing the information.  If we don’t allow outlets or methods for our minds/bodies to process the information, the result can be just what I’m experiencing over the past few weeks, or worse…..which is where I fortunately woke up and realized I need to walk the walk and talk the talk and process in meaningful ways in 2016 so I don’t continue on the merry-go-round to nowhere that I typically prefer to avoid.

• New Year’s Day, instead of stating you are going on a diet to regain your “pre baby” or “fighting” weight…..try making healthy food choices DAILY that actually  resemble whole foods in their natural state.  By eating foods in the form that nature intended, over time YOU WILL lose weight, and not only will you feel better, you will maintain it by making small, consistent changes over time.
• New Year’s Day, instead of making the decision to start going to the gym every single day, working out for at least an hour only skipping for a death in the family or a national crisis…..try making the decision to be active every single day in some form and find an exercise you LOVE.  Studies show people are more likely to exercise when people find something they enjoy doing.  So walk, run, practice yoga….but whatever you do, find something you ENJOY!
• New Year’s Day, instead of complaining that your life isn’t how you want it to be, make a conscious decision to plan for 2016 to be different,and in what ways.

Client walks into my office last week.  Plops down on the couch and begins discussion, much the way it has been over past year…..lamenting over not having a girlfriend, not feeling good enough…when I asked him how long he thought he had been seeing me….this is how the conversation went….more of less….

“So ‘Mark’, we’ve been meeting for awhile now and the concerns you’ve been talking about have been the same each time we meet.  Any idea how long we’ve been meeting?”

“um, I don’t know…maybe 6 months or so?”

“Actually….it was one year ago last week.”

Silence………….for awhile……….

“what do you think about the fact that we’ve been meeting a year, about the same stuff?”

Quiet…..”I don’t want to be talking about this same stuff in another year.”

“Ok…..well then you need to make a plan to do things differently in 2016 if you want your life to be different.”

SIMPLE. RIGHT?

Truth is, most of us WANT our life to be different, but do very little to make a plan for it to be otherwise.

1. Want to spend time every day meditating?  You actually HAVE TO SIT DOWN AND MEDITATE.  You don’t get points in life for just having the desire.
2. Want to start a new business or change jobs?  You actually HAVE TO SIT DOWN AND MAKE A PLAN AND WORK THE PLAN. You don’t get points in life for having fleeting thoughts or unfinished work on your plan.
3. Want to focus on exercise and food and a lifestyle that you feel good in living?  You actually HAVE TO SIT DOWN AND DECIDE WHAT CHANGES YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE AND MAKE THEM. You don’t get points in life for mere intentions.
4. Want to make a real difference in the world?  You actually HAVE TO CHOOSE A CHARITY (OR A FEW) TO COMMIT TIME/ENERGY/MONEY/TALENTS TO AND START TODAY! You don’t get points in life for just re-posting someone else’s “go fund me” page.
5. Want to connect to your “higher power?” You actually HAVE TO COMMIT TO FINDING A COMMUNITY & ATTEND SERVICES/STUDIES/MASS/TEMPLE/ETC.  You don’t get points for just thinking about wanting to commit to a more spiritual life.

People who are happy in life aren’t happy by chance.  Happiness is a choice.  Decide, TODAY, you want to live a happy life and make resolutions that MATTER, supporting YOUR envisioned life.

 

 

So perhaps instead of spending the entire day or weekend watching football games of teams from schools you didn’t attend or have zero vested interest in whether they win/lose (unless you truly enjoy doing all weekend long), you might decide to spend sometime planning your 2016 with doable, achievable, measurable steps towards a life truly worth living, filled with small, attainable or perhaps even large, stretch resolutions that truly MATTER! Not only to you, but to those who surround the world around you.

Peace and happy New Year to all who this post may find.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Must do this holiday season

Holiday Season.  Christmas.  Hanukkah.  Kwanza.  However you celebrate. I write “holiday season”, though I personally celebrate Christmas, because  in truth the longer I am on this side of consciousness, the more similarities I see in faiths celebrated in our world.

Peace.  A constant, endless, ceasing, passionate, longing for peace in my heart has taken a twist this Christmas season.  Peace and forgiveness.  Forgiveness and peace.  Isn’t that what we all truly want in life?

Meditating on the concept of peace and forgiveness a few days ago, I had this very clear concept present to me.

In my life….I have been hurt by many.  Some minor infractions, and some profound.  Lasting scars.  And in reflecting on some I have chosen to let go of long ago, I thought to myself…why did I let it go?  Did I really let it go? Why didn’t I lash out and in some ways, why have I chosen to protect those who have hurt me?  Why didn’t I push back?  

Simple.

Simply put, hurting another will never take away the pain we have endured.  Never.  It’s a choice to not allow the hurt from others to penetrate into your heart and prevent you from becoming your true authentic self.  And is that something I really want to give to someone else?   

In past few weeks, cancer has sneakily crept back into my life again.  When I left my full time professional position working with people diagnosed or affected by cancer, and my Dad celebrated year after year (thankfully) of cancer survivorship, somehow I believe I had convinced myself my “time” in “cancer world” was somehow done.

With the diagnosis of my cousin and attending a funeral of a friend’s mom today, I am once again reminded of the fragility of life.  Permanence is but an illusion we create ourselves.  Absolutely nothing in life is permanent.  Nothing.  Friendships, relationships, life, love….nothing…..we delude ourselves, I think in a way to protect ourselves, and in a way to delay needing to forgive and seek forgiveness…thinking we can do that “one day.”

But what if “one day” never comes.  What if it was yesterday?  What if today is our last day on earth?

I remember years ago, my oldest son being saddened when my Grandma died at the ripe old age of 89.  Shortly before, my step-grandmother in law died, at 102 (I think), and in his very innocent, tender, sweet words he said…”aww….she didn’t get to live to see 100,” as if we all have that fate.

Truth.  Each day is a gift.  Each day.  Whether we are Catholic, or Jewish, or Protestant, or Hindi, or Muslim or…..regardless of our belief on afterlife and whether there is one or what it looks like if there is, not one of us will be able to make the transition without leaving this life behind.  Without leaving our loved ones, without leaving our hopes, our triumphs, our regrets…..we can take none of that with us.  Yet so many of us live as if we can delay forgiveness and seeking peace another time.

So what if “another time” never comes?

This “holiday season”…..while we may think we really need all that Amazon has for sale, I assert what we really need is peace and forgiveness in our hearts to truly embrace all this holiday season and beyond has to offer.  Whether this is our first, our last, or somewhere in between….

• Forgive others.  Why are you holding on to anger?  Aren’t you ready to let it go?  “Holding on to anger is like holding on to a hot coal with the intent to throw it at someone else, you are the one who gets burned.” Buddha.
• Meditate.  For 10 minutes or 30, on peace.  It’s my challenge this “season” for everyone.  Imagine our world with more peace, both our world inside ourselves, and our world beyond our understanding.
• Show Kindness.  I remember reading “Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle.” (J.M. Barry) years ago.  Poignant.  This holiday season, in the parking lots-register lines- holiday parties- etc. may you show others the kindness you’d like to receive on your most difficult days.  Always, always, show kindness.

There is a great line in the OAR song Peace that states “……..babe we’re only here but a little while….” Hmmmm….may be all should adopt this thought….if we are only here but a little while, be it 1 day or 100+ years, do we want to live in anger and resentment or peace and forgiveness?

Wishing you peace and happiness…this holiday season, and beyond….. whatever and wherever that is…..