Ode to the importance of true love

53+ years.  That is how long my parents have been married.  53+years.

Facilitating couples therapy over the years, I have often stated to clients at some point “the difference between couples who end their marriages and those who stay together is is the ability to navigate & heal through conflict.” Not verbatim, but something about the degree to which couples are able to get through conflict, or difficult times & hopefully in the end filled with more joy & happiness than bitterness & resentment.  And while I contend I still believe that is part of it, watching my parents over the past week, I admit I was missing something of critical importance.

53+ years has not been an easy path for my parents.  There have been countless moves, building houses, switching jobs, loss of a job, loss of a business, extended families to navigate, endless holidays to host & accept as being less than and more beautiful than a Norman Rockwell painting, having 2 children who at times have been challenging/heartbreaking/disappointing (Yes, I am including myself in this for sure!), and illnesses.

Have you ever had the privilege of watching 2 people who deeply love and adore one another navigate through this space- of illness?  I have had this honor 2x in my lifetime already.  I have written often about the lessons I have learned from my Dad’s state IV cancer diagnosis at age 52, and the impact it had on me professionally and personally.  What I haven’t written about as much is the grace to which my Mom navigated this diagnosis with my Dad.  While helping to care for her father in law who was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, & helping to watch my youngest son as I was going to graduate school, my Mom patiently, lovingly, and passionately cared for my Dad as he recovered from 2 stem cell transplants.  It was YEARS of ups/downs.  YEARS of uncertainty.  YEARS of my Dad not feeling/looking/acting like himself.  And she never complained and never gave up.  Ever.  I look at her and the strength she had, especially as I am approaching the age she was when all of this started for him/her/them, and I am in awe.  The love they had for one another, that special- rare-deep affectionate love got them through.

It wasn’t how much money they had (though having really GREAT insurance helped! But that is a discussion for another time) or what house (or houses) they had, or car they drove, or vacation spot they traveled to, or jewelry she/they owned/owns (but she does have fabulously purchased tokens of love from my Dad) or what influential people they knew or what level of external success they both have achieved in their lives….it was the love they had/have for one another that made their journey so beautiful to watch.

Fast forward now 23 years later, and my Dad is now in the role my Mom once had.  Last week, my brave Mom had 2 surgeries in 2 days to repair/replace faulty hardware in her back.  Day 1, the orthopedic surgeon and the vascular surgeon went through her abdomen and stabilized her spine from the front.  Day 2, the orthopedic surgeon went into her back and put in a new device to stabilize her spine from the back.  2 incisions.  2 times under anesthesia.  2 big surgeries.  And a whole lotta prayers hoping this would help relieve the nearly constant pain my Mom has been experiencing resulting from the medical device not fusing properly the last time she had surgery.

I had the honor to sit with my Dad as he waited for not just my Mom, but his wife come out of surgery.  His wife.  As he gently kissed her as she giddily drifted off to sleep pre- surgery, and as he sat anxiously in the waiting room, it was clear his sole focus was to get my Mom, his wife, healthy and feeling better again.  As she woke from her last day of surgery (a solid 2 hours to wake up and be able to see her post surgery- was agonizing for all, most of all him I am sure)…..seeing them together took my breath away.  As she laid in her hospital bed, hair all askew, visible pain on her face, tears in her eyes….. my Dad gently stroked her hair out of her face, kissed her cheek ever so gently, and it was in that moment I thought…. this is the love of a TRUE fairytale.

It isn’t the extravagant gestures.  It isn’t the explosive lust that is shown on film.  It isn’t the grand public declaration of love.  It is the quiet, gentle, unrelenting, and pure love that is the truest meaning of the word.

Do you demonstrate/embody that kind of love for you +1?  Do you feel that from your +1?  Have you known that kind of love?  The kind of love that makes you feel like YOU ARE THEIR WORLD?  If so….hold on to it!  If not, what are you waiting for to find/be that love to another? Life is full of uncertainties, life does not guarantee any of us another day, or another moment to show someone else how much you love him/her.  Or to allow yourself to be loved from another.  Tomorrow is promised to no one.  No one.  No, not even you reading this.  No one.

November has for years been a month of focusing on gratitude for me, even more reverently than I do the rest of the year.  This year, I cannot think of 2 people, and 2 reminders of the power and beauty of love than my parents.  I am grateful beyond measure for being able to be a witness of the purest sense of the word, love, in the two of them.

Wishing you all peace and love and light and a willingness to take risks and follow your heart…..

Peace.