“…..I’m through with accepting limits, ’cause someone says they’re so, some things I cannot change, but til I try, I’ll never know!…..” (Wicked)
Someone asked me this past week why (or maybe it was how) I run marathons, while living with chronic pain. My quick response was “I”m stubborn!” For those who know me well, there are probably no truer words. Taurus. Polish. Was there any doubt I’d be stubborn? But I thought about it all week. Why does it matter that I run marathons? I’ve run 4, why do I keep running them? Is it something that I need to prove to others, or is it something I need to prove to myself? If I stopped, would it even matter?
The pain frustrates me sometimes, not so much because it’s, well PAINFUL! Not so much because I have been to a myriad of doctors, and have searched high and low for a “fix” for the pain. What frustrates me more than anything is the limits I feel the pain puts on my life, and most specifically my running. It would be easy for me to give up running, I know people would understand that decision, but I don’t want to do something just because it’s easy. And I surely don’t want to give up running! . ****For the curious, no doctor has ever told me to give up running. And I don’t think it’s just because their words would fall on deaf ears…I wouldn’t listen anyway…….
“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop..” Confucius.
It doesn’t matter how slow I run, just as long as I don’t give up…..
When I think about things in my life, like the chronic pain, that frustrate me, I’ve been actively trying to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. We can only think of one thing at a time. To those who have experienced “racing thoughts”, this may seem contrary. However, racing thoughts are really a series of thoughts that blend together from one to another to another. However, there is still only “1” thought at a time. So my question is, why give the negative ones space? Fill ourselves with positive thoughts, and actively push the negative ones out.
Example:
Perhaps the pain (piriformis syndrome) serves to remind me that I’m stronger than pain, and with the perseverance, I am capable of more than I think I am?
26.2 miles- with piriformis syndome….I am a rock star!
Perhaps the pain helps me to take time to stretch, to do yoga, to meditate, to focus on things that I might not if I was “totally healthy”? ****for the record, I’m not sure anyone is “totally healthy”….everyone’s got something……
Perhaps the pain helps others in someway to realize they too can push past “limits”, self-imposed or otherwise?
Who knows….what I do know is I don’t like it when someone tells me I “can’t” do something. I don’t like to have others define what I can, or cannot do. I spent far too many years being afraid to try things- for fear I wouldn’t be good at it, or I’d get hurt, or I’d be embarrassed.
So what’s my next “defying gravity” goal? To do a head stand and/or handstand in yoga. Right now, my “limits” are fear and strength. Not sure which one is more pervasive, but I’m working towards it….
I remember one of my first days in yoga, one of the teachers saying “if you are thinking you will never be able to do one, you gotta push through it” (or something like that). I was thinking “Oh my gosh, how did she know that’s EXACTLY what I’m thinking?!” So I sat with those thoughts for a few weeks, ok months….but today it occurred to me, 8 years ago I had the same thought about running….I thought I couldn’t run a 5k, or 10K, or a marathon? Who does that? Not me! And here I am starting to train for my 5th. In Berlin, no less!
“It always seems impossible, until it’s done.” Nelson Mandela
So yoga guru teachers, take note. Today, I’m not ready to do a head/handstand. But I’m working on it, and one day, “handstand go” will be my mantra to get me to do something else that I think, for a moment, is beyond my reach……
Peace…..
peaceinthejourney 